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post #46 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 04:43 PM
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So you're not really looking to break up with her. You're doing the passive aggressive "I will ignore you until you straighten up" thing, rather than dealing with the issues head on, is that about right?

Because if so there's better ways of handling this. Such as telling her straight away what your dealbreakers are and sticking to your guns going forward rather than sulking when she doesn't do things the way you want her to. Even though apparently she does do things your way.
No, it was a full fledged breakup. I basically asked her to stop and she said no. I made it clear that was a deal breaker for me and she chose to be chummy with her ex. I'm fully prepared to move on. If she wants to have a sit down and talk then yes I will probably do that to hear what she has to say. Whether she gets another chance would probably be dependent on counseling and a vow to cut the crap with him.
Give her time to think. If she comes to you asking to work it out, I'd have her read Marriage Builders books/online articles on appropriate boundaries in blended families. She truly may not understand how important this is. I'd also suggest you both read His Needs, Her Needs on the importance of "interdependence" in marriage (if you are willing to work it out and see the relationship heading that direction in the future). It is very difficult to have a committed relationship w a partner who insists on their independence at the expense of the other's feelings, which is what she's doing. Many issues will continue to come up with parenting herkids together if she doesn't get this right.

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post #47 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 04:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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Give her time to think. If she comes to you asking to work it out, I'd have her read Marriage Builders books/online articles on appropriate boundaries in blended families. She truly may not understand how important this is. I'd also suggest you both read His Needs, Her Needs on the importance of "interdependence" in marriage (if you are willing to work it out and see the relationship heading that direction in the future). It is very difficult to have a committed relationship w a partner who insists on their independence at the expense of the other's feelings, which is what she's doing. Many issues will continue to come up with parenting herkids together if she doesn't get this right.
You give great level-headed advice that really hits home for me. Almost like you do this for a living. Much appreciated
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post #48 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 04:52 PM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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No, it was a full fledged breakup. I basically asked her to stop and she said no. I made it clear that was a deal breaker for me and she chose to be chummy with her ex. I'm fully prepared to move on. If she wants to have a sit down and talk then yes I will probably do that to hear what she has to say. Whether she gets another chance would probably be dependent on counseling and a vow to cut the crap with him.
That works.
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post #49 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 05:10 PM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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You know what...I've never really even thought about it that way. I've always just taken her words at face value that she's just the type of person who can't be mean/strict with people. She probably does like the attention smh. I agree, she doesn't take my NEEDS into account. She claims she tries to see it from my pov but not much progress has been made in these 2 years. It was really bad that first year and after much complaining she finally limited it. The fact that it rears it's ugly head every month or so has been too much as of late.
If I claim to love, respect and care for my SO, I should not do anything that makes him feel uncomfortable. I'd expect the same attitude from him regarding my needs.
You're not asking for anything extraordinary and your concerns are PRETTY NORMAL. You've tried to be more tolerant and understanding way too much. Cut it and give her an ultimatum. Clearly, she's not respecting your concern and not caring about it that much. She only sees her need for attention and that's very selfish and not promising for a stable, marriage-material woman.

Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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post #50 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 05:17 PM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

I am on extremely good terms with my XH. We do joke over text sometimes and just tell each other dumb stories no one else would care about. We did not have a hatred filled breakup. We both sincerely care about each other, and our shared children. I love that we can coparent so easily.

My XH does want me back, and he tried constantly before I married my current husband. My then fiancé finally put his foot down, asked my XH to stop what he was doing, and to please respect our relationship. XH immediately stopped, and has never said anything again about being in love with me, though I know he tells our kids and others that he is.


Here is the key...if the interaction bothers YOU, out of respect for you she should dial it back to a level you are comfortable with. She needs to respect you, and you need to respect her. Your situation sounds to me like you both could adjust things a little, and meet in the middle on it.

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post #51 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 05:23 PM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

There's no reason that communication between ex's can't be cordial and friendly, that's fine. My husband and his ex wife are amicable and we all get along well for the sake of SD. But ALL of their communication is related to SD. They don't carpool, they don't discuss their relationships, they don't joke about sex etc. nothing.

It's so beyond inappropriate what your ex gf is doing.
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post #52 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 05:26 PM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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I broke up with gf after 2 years. I basically got tired of tolerating her relationship with her ex husband. We both have kids with our previous spouses so we still have to have contact with our exes. I'm just curious if I'm as crazy as she makes me out to be or if there are real red flags here.
If she's making your concerns out to be crazy, she is invalidating the concerns. If she thinks you are out of line, she should tell you in a way that doesn't shame you or manipulate you.

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I have made it known many times that she needs boundaries with him even though I trust her. She got better and their contact lessened but still pops up every month or 2.
That's still pretty frequent.

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She makes me feel like I'm a jealousy insecure pos when I get upset about it. Her take is if I trust her then I should get over it.
Your significant other is supposed to have your back. You should feel better around her. Your communication with her should bring you comfort and peace. When you are with her, you should feel joy. Why on earth would it be a good idea to stay with someone when you feel like a jealous, insecure pos around her? She is obviously not bringing the best out in you. You are feeling bad about yourself when you are with her. She is not taking into account your valid concerns, but it turning it back on you and saying that if you trust her you should let her do whatever she wants without telling her your concerns. That is illogical.

Logically, if you trust her it is because she has earned your trust and she takes into account your concerns and feelings. If she disagrees with you she does it without malice and with love and care for you and the relationship. That is how a healthy relationship is support to work when both parties have the other's best interests at heart even when they disagree.

If you are looking for a wife, you ought to be looking for someone who values your opinions and if she disagrees with you she does so in a way that doesn't shame you. She honors you and is uplifting to be around. Someone who when you see her your face turns into a smile. If that is not how this relationship is working for you - it's not working for you.

I'm wondering why you are still communicating with her if you broke up. Just block her number and move forward with your life. It's over. The end. It doesn't matter what she thinks anymore as she is not a part of your life.


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post #53 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 08:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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I am on extremely good terms with my XH. We do joke over text sometimes and just tell each other dumb stories no one else would care about. We did not have a hatred filled breakup. We both sincerely care about each other, and our shared children. I love that we can coparent so easily.

My XH does want me back, and he tried constantly before I married my current husband. My then fiancé finally put his foot down, asked my XH to stop what he was doing, and to please respect our relationship. XH immediately stopped, and has never said anything again about being in love with me, though I know he tells our kids and others that he is.


Here is the key...if the interaction bothers YOU, out of respect for you she should dial it back to a level you are comfortable with. She needs to respect you, and you need to respect her. Your situation sounds to me like you both could adjust things a little, and meet in the middle on it.
And that's the thing, I could possibly handle some of her interactions with him much better IF he had moved on and was over her. Instead he pines for her and uses any opportunity he can to be around her. So since she knows he still has a thing for her why give him false hope and be overly friendly which could easily be misinterpreted? Out of curiosity, does your current husband know you and your ex still joke and whatnot over text? Also, does he suspect that the ex still hasn't gotten over you?
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post #54 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 08:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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If she's making your concerns out to be crazy, she is invalidating the concerns. If she thinks you are out of line, she should tell you in a way that doesn't shame you or manipulate you.


That's still pretty frequent.


Your significant other is supposed to have your back. You should feel better around her. Your communication with her should bring you comfort and peace. When you are with her, you should feel joy. Why on earth would it be a good idea to stay with someone when you feel like a jealous, insecure pos around her? She is obviously not bringing the best out in you. You are feeling bad about yourself when you are with her. She is not taking into account your valid concerns, but it turning it back on you and saying that if you trust her you should let her do whatever she wants without telling her your concerns. That is illogical.

Logically, if you trust her it is because she has earned your trust and she takes into account your concerns and feelings. If she disagrees with you she does it without malice and with love and care for you and the relationship. That is how a healthy relationship is support to work when both parties have the other's best interests at heart even when they disagree.

If you are looking for a wife, you ought to be looking for someone who values your opinions and if she disagrees with you she does so in a way that doesn't shame you. She honors you and is uplifting to be around. Someone who when you see her your face turns into a smile. If that is not how this relationship is working for you - it's not working for you.

I'm wondering why you are still communicating with her if you broke up. Just block her number and move forward with your life. It's over. The end. It doesn't matter what she thinks anymore as she is not a part of your life.
Good points and noted. I replied because she gave me a heartfelt apology saying she knows she has issues and will be going to counseling. I didn't want to be a jerk and just ignore her. I basically lost my gf and a good friend in one swoop.
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post #55 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 08:15 PM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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Nope, you did the right thing.

She likes the attention.....maybe after a few more guys dump her over this she'll start to realize this isn't ok.

I wonder how she'd feel about your ex wife staying over on your couch?
This x 1000

I think you did the right thing, OP. And I think she encourages his behavior, because she likes the attention.


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post #56 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 08:18 PM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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Good points and noted. I replied because she gave me a heartfelt apology saying she knows she has issues and will be going to counseling. I didn't want to be a jerk and just ignore her. I basically lost my gf and a good friend in one swoop.
Going no contact is really the best advice, though. Going no contact isn't about punishing her, it's about allowing yourself to heal away from the drama and white noise that break ups usually bring.

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post #57 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 11:49 AM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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Good points and noted. I replied because she gave me a heartfelt apology saying she knows she has issues and will be going to counseling. I didn't want to be a jerk and just ignore her. I basically lost my gf and a good friend in one swoop.
You are not being a jerk if you stop talking to her. Trying to maintain a relationship with someone you broke up isn't really healthy unless your children are involved. Cut the ties and move on. Let her move on as well. You aren't together anymore.


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post #58 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 12:03 PM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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And that's the thing, I could possibly handle some of her interactions with him much better IF he had moved on and was over her. Instead he pines for her and uses any opportunity he can to be around her. So since she knows he still has a thing for her why give him false hope and be overly friendly which could easily be misinterpreted? Out of curiosity, does your current husband know you and your ex still joke and whatnot over text? Also, does he suspect that the ex still hasn't gotten over you?
My hubby knows everything. Generally when XH and I are joking around my husband is right next to me. I share the things he would find funny. He also knows my XH is in love with me still. He feels sorry for him, and hopes he can someday move on. My XH has never even touched another woman besides me. My current hubby knows I am madly in love with him, and feels zero threat from my XH as in NONE. He understands how many years I stayed in that marriage miserably (for my kids) and that I would never, ever go back to him. Your situation is very different because you are NOT comfortable with it, and she needs to respect that. Plus, like you said, you are willing to tolerate a normal amount of contact, which is really all that is needed to successfully co-parent.

Ciao,

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post #59 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 12:04 PM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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Her whole defense is that she's a good person and can't cut people off like I can.
She's implying that you're a "bad person" for having boundaries. I suspect she's a "good person" to every swinging d*** that pays attention to her.

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post #60 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 12:29 PM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

You ABSOLUTELY did the right thing. HOWEVER, you should not trust her either, I know whereof I speak... my XH was like exactly like this with his first wife, and he ended up divorcing me to remarry her. This kind of relationship between ex's should NOT be tolerated in a relationship. It shows no respect for your relationship and you were right to end it.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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