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post #1 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 09:12 AM Thread Starter
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Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

I broke up with gf after 2 years. I basically got tired of tolerating her relationship with her ex husband. We both have kids with our previous spouses so we still have to have contact with our exes. I'm just curious if I'm as crazy as she makes me out to be or if there are real red flags here.
During the two years I have learned she is very co dependent on her ex husband. Christmas 2015 she asked me about him staying the night so he would be there Christmas morning...of course on the couch. I said no I'm not okay with that. About 8 months into the relationship her ex broke down and told her that if she would dump me he would break up with his current gf and they could try again. She said no and told me about this. I've always had a hunch about him not being over her but she always claims he doesn't want me back or only does when he's lonely etc. Sure enough I was correct. She swears she is over him and isn't attracted to him. I believe her. She just has this thing where she won't cut him off to where it's just about kids.

They joke via text and some are about his sex life. She asks him for favors around the house that she could ask me to do but doesn't. He has parked his car in her garage and hung out over there to hide from his wife when they were having issues. They carpooled to an event about their kids (not with)when I feel like they could have easily drove separate.

I have made it known many times that she needs boundaries with him even though I trust her. She got better and their contact lessened but still pops up every month or 2. She makes me feel like I'm a jealousy insecure pos when I get upset about it. Her take is if I trust her then I should get over it.
I ultimately said cut the extracurricular bs with him or I'm done. Don't get me wrong. I want them to be good co parents for their kids and communicating about them. But all the chummy stuff when he still wants her back is annoying af. I feel like you have to have boundaries with an ex...especially one that wants you back. So let me know. Am I wrong or do I have a point?

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post #2 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 09:22 AM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

Why did they divorce?

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post #3 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 09:29 AM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

Honestly, if you do trust her you do need to get over it. I don't know how long they were together for, and besides the fact they have kids together, they do have history together. It actually is a good thing that they can remain friends after whatever happened to break them up. You have to remember, at one point they were best friends who shared everything, they understand each other. Unless there are some real red flags like finding out she was with him and didn't tell you about it or something like that, I'd just leave it alone. All you're going to do by pushing the issue is push her away from you and straight to him. Keep your guard up, your radar scanning, but leave it alone for now.
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post #4 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 09:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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Why did they divorce?
He cheated on her
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post #5 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 09:43 AM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

Nope, you did the right thing.

She likes the attention.....maybe after a few more guys dump her over this she'll start to realize this isn't ok.

I wonder how she'd feel about your ex wife staying over on your couch?
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post #6 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 10:10 AM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

There's all sorts of contact and conversation that are acceptable, and even healthy and preferable between exes when kids are involved. Having your ex over to hide out at her place because he had a fight with his gf isn't one of them. Nor is having him spend the night. Sexual commentary and telling her that if she dumps you they can get back together are certainly out.

She definitely has some boundary issues here.

Do you hear the people sing / Lost in the valley of the night?
It is the music of a people / Who are climbing to the light.
For the wretched of the earth / There is a flame that never dies.
Even the darkest night will end / And the sun will rise...
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post #7 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 10:18 AM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

There are women who have ex's who are douches and they know it. Keep looking.

"Always man needs woman for his friend. He needs her clearer vision, her subtler insight, her softer thought, her winged soul, her pure and tender heart. Always woman needs man to be her friend. She needs the vigor of his purpose, the ardor of his will, his calmer judgment, his braver force of action, his reverence and his devotion." ~Mary C. Adams
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post #8 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 10:22 AM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

Why do you trust her? You shouldn't.
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post #9 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 10:23 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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Nope, you did the right thing.

She likes the attention.....maybe after a few more guys dump her over this she'll start to realize this isn't ok.

I wonder how she'd feel about your ex wife staying over on your couch?
Thank you for your feedback. She definitely acts like I'm overly sensitive/jealous/insecure what have you. For a minute I was questioning if I am too rigid because internet opinions on this site and another have been split about 60-40 in my favor and I didn't even think it would be that close. I was cheated on by my first wife so boundaries are a must in any future relationship I have. It just doesn't register for her.
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post #10 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 10:26 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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Why do you trust her? You shouldn't.
I fully trust her because she has been open and honest about everything with me when she didn't have to. For instance, she tells me if guys hit on her. Always tells me if her ex shows up unannounced etc. She has given me no reason not to trust. Her whole defense is that she's a good person and can't cut people off like I can. I told her I'm not asking you to cut him off just the unnecessary non kid things. She takes that as me trying to tell her how to live her life.

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post #11 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 10:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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There's all sorts of contact and conversation that are acceptable, and even healthy and preferable between exes when kids are involved. Having your ex over to hide out at her place because he had a fight with his gf isn't one of them. Nor is having him spend the night. Sexual commentary and telling her that if she dumps you they can get back together are certainly out.

She definitely has some boundary issues here.
Thank you. She doesn't and won't see it no matter how many times I raise the question. Basically that I should trust her and she can do whatever she wants as long as she isn't flirting with him etc. I'm sorry, but as a guy, if my ex whom I wanted to get back with was asking me for favors I would take that as a sign that I may have a chance to weasel my way back in.
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post #12 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 10:39 AM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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Thank you. She doesn't and won't see it no matter how many times I raise the question. Basically that I should trust her and she can do whatever she wants as long as she isn't flirting with him etc. I'm sorry, but as a guy, if my ex whom I wanted to get back with was asking me for favors I would take that as a sign that I may have a chance to weasel my way back in.
She's right. She can do whatever she wants. You just don't have to put up with it.

The right approach, IMO, is to tell her that you don't think this relationship is going to move on and then go find a new GF.

You could try to get her to stop. But she'll just resent you for it, and it will cause issues later. More likely that she'll temporarily obey, and as the resentment builds, look for ways to get away with it later.

That's just my 2 cents though.

Do you hear the people sing / Lost in the valley of the night?
It is the music of a people / Who are climbing to the light.
For the wretched of the earth / There is a flame that never dies.
Even the darkest night will end / And the sun will rise...
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post #13 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 10:41 AM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

OP, how old are you, and what are you looking for in a relationship?

Do you hear the people sing / Lost in the valley of the night?
It is the music of a people / Who are climbing to the light.
For the wretched of the earth / There is a flame that never dies.
Even the darkest night will end / And the sun will rise...
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post #14 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 10:52 AM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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Originally Posted by theexpendable View Post
He cheated on her
She hasn't let go, she will not be able to fully reach for the next relationship until she does...

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post #15 of 66 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 11:01 AM
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Re: Gf's lack of boundaries with ex husband

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Originally Posted by theexpendable View Post
Thank you for your feedback. She definitely acts like I'm overly sensitive/jealous/insecure what have you. For a minute I was questioning if I am too rigid because internet opinions on this site and another have been split about 60-40 in my favor and I didn't even think it would be that close. I was cheated on by my first wife so boundaries are a must in any future relationship I have. It just doesn't register for her.
You're welcome!

FWIW my hb had terrible boundaries with his ex wife and I put up with it for much longer then I should have.

I got the same thing.....that he didn't want her back, and I believe him. I don't think she wanted him back either, but I did think she got off on the ego boost of poor boundaries. She would frequently make comments aimed at letting me know she had already been there and was more important.

My hb would give me crap about how he was just a nice guy and didn't want to argue.

Eventually a blew a gasket and it pretty much stopped.....and I think he'd already lost relationships over his crappy boundaries.

If I had it to do over again I never would have put up with it. You saved yourself a lot of headache...she isn't ready to fully seperate herself from him.
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