So I married my best friend love of my life 2 years ago, we've had a baby, he's 5 months now. But things have just gone down hill from there. My best friend turned in to the most amazing mum but that's it. I feel our spark has gone. Our conversations are now about meaningless trivial things. The affection is next to none and when we do have sex she makes it feel like she giving me a gift and not like she really wants it. Nothing like before no adventure or passion.
I've started getting more and more down. I do understand that our son is now the biggest thing in our life's but surly we need to find time for us ?
Please feel free to ask any questions but a little help would be much appreciated
Ash
Similar situation happened to me it was just a phase but you will need to be as supportive as possible and try and set aside some time each week where it is just you 2 doing what you used to do. I made quite a few mistakes in my marriage but losing identify after children and not spending quality time together was up there.
There are a great many things occupying her mind and none of them are sexy. Its pretty difficult to feel sexy after changing 10 poopie diapers, having been thrown up on a half a dozen times, listened to 2 hours of crying for no reason, all while trying to feel like your accomplished something with your day.
I understand the mommy mode. And I do try my best with working and juggling family life. I spend all my time at home, since our son was born I havnt been out, I just try and take the pressure off her. Nothing I do is good enough. This may sound silly but I feel like I'm being supervised and critsized when I'm looking after him, is that normal ?
I mean some, maybe even a lot of marriages keep right on going after the birth of a child.
But many more flounder. Why that is, is anyone's guess. The commitment of marriage, the child rearing responsibilities. Too many farts under the covers or too infrequent showers or other forms of poor hygiene or just bad habits that were excused but now are a real annoyance. Plus the fact that for many people, feelings just change at the drop of a hat. That's why there are so many divorces.
As the others have stated, she has gone into mummy mode but I will expand on it a little more.
There are massive hormonal changes that go on during this stage but aside form this, the child is without doubt her source of 'certain' love. By that, I mean that she knows its guaranteed. Relationships can be challenging which is why lots of parents end up reverting back to their kids as their source of love which is a dangerous approach.
Now whilst this is not happening because your relationship was on the rocks (which is what normally happens), it's still happening nonetheless and something that does need to be addressed.
I do agree with you completely. My mind always goes back to the American Reunion movie where Jim's dad says to him "Even though you are now mum and dad, it's important to never forget that you are still husband and wife as well" - or something like that!
It is obviously still very new to her. 5 months isn't a long time and so it is important for you to be patient here. Do your best to love her in spite of some of the 'bullets' that she fires at you and show her that she is unable to affect you on any level because you love her so much.
There is a chance that she may not be feeling very 'sexy' as well so you might want to reinforce the attraction you have for her as well. There are ways - you just need to become a detective and demonstrate that you are committed to not just being a great dad, but also an amazing husband. If there are chances, go on date nights. Do things that you used to do. Learn about her and her needs and meet them at levels that you have never done before.
One other point - remember a father is not a second rate mum. It's important for you to spend the time you need with your child and recognise that you bring a whole different energy to the relationship with your child that she can never do. Set your boundaries and make it known that you need time with your daughter/son.
Basically you have initial romantic love which makes you want to be with each other all the time and blinds you to their faults. Your brain even releases pleasure chemicals when you just think about your lover. This is nature's way of making sure that we have sex and pass along our genes.
One the romantic love is gone and did its job to produce a kid, you are now faced with deciding if you really want to spend the rest of your life with your spouse. You now see them as they truly are, warts and all. If you decide that your spouse is the one for you, you then start building a mature love.
Have you told her these things? You need to talk about them. Do you guys date, do you still court her?
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