General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I am engaged and the wedding date is rapidly approaching. My fiancee's family are manipulating and hateful. They have said some pretty horrible things about me to my fiancee, all which were not true.
They are rude and classless. I have shown nothing more than respect and patience towards them. I've always addressed them with respect and went out of my way to be hospitable and polite.
Prior to the recent events, it was only the mother who was insanely rude and mean. Now the rest of the family has fallen into place with this same line of thinking. I am seriously having second thoughts about the wedding and whether or not I want to have any further involvement with her.
We have been dating for over two years and we are less than a month away before the big day. My fiancee has defended me many times to her family, but they just keep finding new ways to come at her with negative and untrue things about me. The times when I have expressed my concern and how upset I have been over their negative involvement, she agrees that they are out of line, but then finds a way to defend them. This angers me even more.
I do not associate with any of them, and I have removed them from my phone and Facebook account. They are a cancer to me and I do not want to be around them on any level.
Any advice? Should I go through with the wedding? Happy New Years everyone.
It really depends on your fiance, and how she handles the situation. It is good that she, for the most part, sticks up for you.
I think it is fine to limit your contact with them, however, it will be hard. Your fiance will need to demand respect from them, or limit her contact with them as well. She needs to show them that you are her # 1 in life, and they can either follow suit or get lost.
I bet they would start respecting you if they knew they would lose contact with their daughter and possible grandchildren over it. She needs to let it be known that you come before them, and if they can't respect you and be polite - then she is going to limit/cut off contact with them.
Some people are not willing to cut out their family for their spouse... So you have to keep that in mind, too. I would broach the subject with her and tell her that you need some kind of resolution before the wedding because it obviously bothers you so much that you cannot see yourself happily tied to these people.
I seriously believe that for the most part, it will get worse. I am trying to remain positive, but it is what it is. They are just out spoken and manipulative.
I am not sure if she will agree to move away... far away. Her parents are getting up there and age and she enjoys being near by in case anything happens. Sadly, I have to make a choice and time is running out. If I go through with the wedding, then I have to deal with her family being as fake as a three dollar bill. Which by the way, sickens me as I am even writing this.
I really don't have an answer for their behavior besides the fact that they are just rude and all out mean. I can't explain it and I surely wouldn't excuse it.
There must be a reason why the whole family is against you. Are you 'different' to them in any way.
Have you ever done anything wrong even not to them that they dont like and cant forgive you.
I think that you need to heed your own advice and cancel. Blood is thick and you being the new person in all that bad blood? You don't stand a chance. You will be committing yourself to misery.
Try finding out if they wanted their daughter to get married to someone else. May be they had some plans in mind. Parents have a lot of expectations from their daughter's marriage. There has to be a cause why they treat you this way. Try finding it out. Take help of your wife. May be issues could get solved if you knew what the problem was. Posted via Mobile Device
Sounds like Mommy Dearest is the undisputed "boss" of this family, and all members must show her respect (i.e., blind obedience) or else.
You need to have a serious talk with your fiancee, and see if she will devote her life to you, or to Mommy Dearest. Face it, buddy, you aren't marrying your fiancee-you are marrying her family.
There must be a reason why the whole family is against you. Are you 'different' to them in any way.
Have you ever done anything wrong even not to them that they dont like and cant forgive you.
There isn't anything that I have done. Like I have stated previously... they just have a mean streak. When I was sick with cancer, the mother told everyone in their family that my sickness was because I am HIV positive. Well, I am not HIV positive. It was just a very hateful thing to say. After that, it has only been getting worse. I as even accused of bringing a firearm to the house and leaving ammunition all over the place. I don't even own a gun.
So it is just made up things in where I think that they are just trying to run me off. The mother has these hateful things to say about me because she is just mean. She calls her children and they all follow in line with mom. So that is the reason.
When I was sick with cancer, the mother told everyone in their family that my sickness was because I am HIV positive. Well, I am not HIV positive. It was just a very hateful thing to say. After that, it has only been getting worse. I as even accused of bringing a firearm to the house and leaving ammunition all over the place. I don't even own a gun.
Well then I think, perhaps they don't want you to be a part of the family because of your Medical problem, Cancer. would you like to elaborate on when they discovered about this problem? Because may be the problem started there itself. I know it might sound ridiculous to you. I'm not highlighting your medical problem, but I'm saying may be they dont want their daughter to be married to you because of this very problem only and that is why they find faults with everything and make up stories.
Well then I think, perhaps they don't want you to be a part of the family because of your Medical problem, Cancer. would you like to elaborate on when they discovered about this problem? Because may be the problem started there itself. I know it might sound ridiculous to you. I'm not highlighting your medical problem, but I'm saying may be they dont want their daughter to be married to you because of this very problem only and that is why they find faults with everything and make up stories.
I have been in remission for a year now. All is well with me in that regard. Either way, it is none of their concern. My fiancee and I are both in our 40's. There is such a thing of just being mean and hateful. Sometimes, people are just mean because that is what they are, mean.
I have read a lot of posts on this site, and the common factor is that there is such a huge lack of respect for the other person and a showing of respect. Many times, things are carried way too far because someone loves to introduce drama. When there is an overbearing family in where they are trying to spew venom because of their own selfish reasons, then the issue is with them. My position is for me to decide just how much more if any that I want to deal with. I have not caused them any harm, malice or disrespect. They want to be rude and disrespectful because it makes them feel better in causing someone else some pain.
People have a lot of myths about illnesses. May be they are into one of those too!
Also, yes you are right in saying that sometimes there is no reason why people behave mean. It is in their nature. Well if thats the case, see how your Love reacts to it. If you feel that she is supportive enough to take a stand for you everytime, then it is well and good. She cannot totally go against her parents either, that would make her an irresponsible daughter. try to talk things out with her. Dont forget that if she is defending them in front of you, she is also defending you in front of them. She is just stuck and she cannot just be one sided. The best solution can only come when she explains to her parents how important you are to her, and what this relationship means to her. Also she should let them know how their interference upsets her and the beautiful life she dreams to live. She wont leave you at any cost and that they need to respect their son-in-law>
All the very best to you. I hope things turn out positive!
I have to DISAGREE with breathelove, who has never been married and is only 20 years old (sorry, girl, but age and life experience do help when giving relationship advice!). No disrespect, though.
Umoja - your fiances mother sounds like she has narcissistic personality disorder. Unless your wife agrees to completely cut ties with her family, this situation is NOT going to get better. Your fiance's mother has no problem lying about you and turning people against you. She probably resents what you represent - someone who is getting in the way of her being able to control her daughter.
When parents are toxic, it is not only okay, but HEALTHY, to keep away from them. There are a couple of other people on this site who have mother's who have NPD and they limit contact with them because of the havoc they cause.
I think you are wise to resonsider the marriage. These people will ruin your life if you have to deal with them. The vicious lies are a dead give away that your potential future mother-in-law has a personality disorder. And your girlfriend sounds like she is having trouble breaking free of that dysfuctional family unit.
I would read up on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and talk to your fiance and let her know that unless she can limit contact, you don't think you can go through with the marriage.
I am sure that is not the reason the family is against you. It seems you either dont know or more likely dont want to tell us.
It is that type of spirit or attitude that creates these issues that I have mentioned. I am not on here looking for people to take sides... mainly mine. I am in a situation and I came before complete strangers who do not know me from Adam who could give me some ideas for me to help make my final decision. I needed for people to be completely impartial. So, for everyone who took the time to read what I have posted, I sincerely thank you. Good or bad, I think that I have made my choice.
The other day, my fiancee and I went to see a counselor and we were able to really work out the miscommunication. We were talking, but things were getting lost in translation. So we were given some excellent advice on how to work out these issues. There was also some wonderful advice given about family interference. Both of us agreed on what was said and we are working on improving these things... as a couple and without her family's involvement. I think that we are going to be okay and all I can do... all that we can do is take one day at a time and strengthen our foundation.
More Than Second Thoughts 
