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post #16 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 03:28 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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You guys TOTALLY missed my point.

You shouldn't HAVE to give an ultimatum (ie FORCE) a WS to do things that are to help the BS. If you do then the WS is obviously NOT invested in R. Any WS worth staying with will WANT to do things that comfort the BS. If they don't WANT to and LOOK FOR WAYS to comfort the BS, then what the **** do you want to be with them for ?????
I'm thinking that even if the cheater is remorseful and is looking for ways to comfort the betrayed spouse, they won't, off the top of their head, come home and say "Honey, I quit my job for you, you're welcome".

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post #17 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 03:36 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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I'm thinking that even if the cheater is remorseful and is looking for ways to comfort the betrayed spouse, they won't, off the top of their head, come home and say "Honey, I quit my job for you, you're welcome".
They would agree to end ALL contact with their affair partner, which means requesting a transfer in their company or quitting if necessary to ensure they never talk or see their affair partner again. They also change their contact info, including text and email. And, if they live in the same town, they put a plan in place to relocate. This is the plan. But couples certainly don't have to follow THAT plan and are free to create their own.

To me though, a truly remorseful spouse interested in saving their marriage will follow a plan that will give them the best shot at recovery, however inconvenient. The marriage must come first.
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post #18 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 03:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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You guys TOTALLY missed my point.

You shouldn't HAVE to give an ultimatum (ie FORCE) a WS to do things that are to help the BS. If you do then the WS is obviously NOT invested in R. Any WS worth staying with will WANT to do things that comfort the BS. If they don't WANT to and LOOK FOR WAYS to comfort the BS, then what the **** do you want to be with them for ?????
No, I totally do get your point, but when the WS is first caught and confronted, and even for a decent amount of time after that, they are in that fog. They're not thinking of reconciliation yet and they're not thinking of ways to comfort anyone yet but themselves. But if NC is going to be part of the deal, it needs to happen ASAP, so yes the BS would be forcing them to do something that they may not be ready to do yet.

I'm not arguing or trying to justify anything one way or the other. This was a topic that came up while talking with a friend last night and I thought it was a good one.
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post #19 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 03:44 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

A marriage surviving ongoing adultery isn't feasible.

A marriage surviving rugsweeping of an affair isn't feasible.

Look, what happens to your marriage and your family if you are fired tomorrow? Marriages survive lower income and unemployment/underemployment all the time...not that it's all peaches and cream or "easy" but two committed people can get through that.

By having an affair--PA or EA--one of the two people is indicating that they are no longer honoring their commitment. Furthermore, if it was a work affair, they have also demonstrated they do not have adequate boundaries in place TO PROTECT THEIR MARRIAGE.

The issue is not the logistics of financial feasibility. OBVIOUSLY losing a job is going to put a financial pinch on the family. But committed adultery is what ultimately destroys the family--NOT pulling in the belt buckle.

The affair HAS TO END. Seeing the affair partner every day at work does not end the affair--it only puts it on a very slow simmer on a back burner.

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post #20 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 03:47 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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No, I totally do get your point, but when the WS is first caught and confronted, and even for a decent amount of time after that, they are in that fog. They're not thinking of reconciliation yet and they're not thinking of ways to comfort anyone yet but themselves. But if NC is going to be part of the deal, it needs to happen ASAP, so yes the BS would be forcing them to do something that they may not be ready to do yet.

I'm not arguing or trying to justify anything one way or the other. This was a topic that came up while talking with a friend last night and I thought it was a good one.
Hence the reason you kick their ass out.

Cheaters don't get to just think of themselves and use 'fog' as an excuse. If they want to be foggy they should be doing it somewhere other than where the BS is.

I'm not saying you DON'T force them, I just saying if you DO have to force them it's a black mark against them.

If them quitting their job is a dealbreaker for the BS and they do it unwillingly, then later realize it was for the best, that's better than the alternatives if R is the desired outcome.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #21 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 03:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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Forcing implies coercion after a refusal. If they willingly do something you suggest even if it is an ultimatum, it is not forcing.
Technically an ultimatum is forcing, "you either do this or else". And even if they agree willingly to do it, are they really doing it willingly? And how will they feel about what they did "willingly" a month from now? That's where the resentment can set in and just make things worse.
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post #22 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 03:51 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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Technically an ultimatum is forcing, "you either do this or else". And even if they agree willingly to do it, are they really doing it willingly? And how will they feel about what they did "willingly" a month from now? That's where the resentment can set in and just make things worse.
No it won't make things worse. It will clarify things, because if the WS never gets over having to leave their job then they need a kick in the ass and D papers.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #23 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 03:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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A marriage surviving ongoing adultery isn't feasible.

A marriage surviving rugsweeping of an affair isn't feasible.

Look, what happens to your marriage and your family if you are fired tomorrow? Marriages survive lower income and unemployment/underemployment all the time...not that it's all peaches and cream or "easy" but two committed people can get through that.
Yes they do, because there's love, understanding and a bond holding those people together. But what happens in the same situation when there isn't love, understanding and that bond is completely broken because of an affair?
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post #24 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 03:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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No it won't make things worse. It will clarify things, because if the WS never gets over having to leave their job then they need a kick in the ass and D papers.
Ok so let's change things up a little. What if the WS who is forced to quit their job is the breadwinner and the BS is a stay at home parent?
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post #25 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 04:04 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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Originally Posted by AtMyEnd View Post
Ok so let's change things up a little. What if the WS who is forced to quit their job is the breadwinner and the BS is a stay at home parent?
If the BS 'forces' the WS to quit then they obviously KNOW they're the breadwinner, and they are willing to make sacrifices to keep the marriage together. The WS actively finds another job and quits the SECOND they find one. If the BS has decided it's quit or D, they're gonna be income-less anyway.

There are ALWAYS 'reasons' why things 'can't' be done. But if something is important enough it will work out. I left my first husband with a 4 month old and a 2 and a 4 year old and LITERALLY just suitcases. I kicked my husband out in 2010 when he cheated, knowing full well I'd have to move if D happened and lose the house and my garden and everything. But some things just ARE that important. You should NEVER NEED someone so badly that you have to stay with them no matter what. NO one's job is so irreplaceable that they simply can NEVER leave it.


People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #26 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 04:06 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

This is not complicated. The needing to get away physically from an affair partner is about how much you (and your spouse) value your marriage. I know this to be true without ever reading Dr. Harley's or anyone else's advice.

Your wife cheats with someone. Has feelings for him. Wants to fvck him if she could. Imagines all kind of things with him. He encourages it. He assures her that you are a POS and that he would never treat her like that. Tells her what he would do to her in bed. And all this before he actually does it. She is on heat and in a fog. Then she gets discovered. She has to break this off. Now one of two scenarios take place


She breaks it off cold turkey. Quits her job and goes through all the hardship you describe. She does this because .. she loves you once again and wants to make things right OR she is scared of losing the marriage. Whatever the reason her judgement is not clouded. So she has to be pretty damn sure before she does this. Ain't that a better place for the two of you to proceed from ?


The other scenario. She stays at her job but assures you she has no contact but sees him every day. Her judgement is clouded by him reminding her again and again that she made the wrong decision to break it off and that it is possible to get her dopamine fix without you ever knowing. And you are constantly wondering if she is staying true to her word. It begins to weigh you down and is tough for you. You go through all this because .. you love her once again OR you are scared of losing the marriage. Your judgement is very clouded. Terrible place to proceed from.


So if the hassle of leaving a job and going through hardship outweighs the importance of your marriage and more importantly, peace of mind, then I agree - forget Harley's advice. Don't have her leave her job. Else leaving her job and going through whatever you said, is the least of your problems going forward.

And yes if she is truly remorseful, she will instinctively know that she needs to be away from him without you "forcing" (give me a break) her.

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post #27 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 04:13 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

My thought is, reconciliation isn't for everyone or even most. True reconciliation is pretty rare. If you're choosing to work with your affair partner because quitting is hard, well, you're probably thinking wishfully and not really a good candidate for it. If it's a priority, then you'll figure it out. I also think continuing to work with an AP is highly disrespectful and shows a lack of remorse from the cheater and a lack of boundaries for the betrayed. Cheaters and their excuses SMH.


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post #28 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 04:17 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

AME, I seriously couldn't agree more, and have wondered the same thing on occasion, when I see posts like that. I'm the only woman on my very small 3-person team at my office, and I speak highly of my boss and officemate, both of who are utterly fantastic to work with. I've told my husband how great they both are, and while there's nothing going on (OK, I find my officemate fairly attractive), if H ever got suspicious, and told me to quit my job, I wouldn't. I couldn't, unless he wanted to support the entire household for however long! I've been laid off twice since 2014, and he still expected me to contribute my share, so i highly doubt that he would support the household. Combine that with the fact that it isn't easy to find a job in my field, and no, I wouldn't readily quit my job. I can't think of anyone who can just up and quit, actually. And no, I would never ask hubby to quit his job either!


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My question is this, now I totally understand the idea of no contact with the other man or woman after an affair, whether it be emotional or physical. That rule was set by both my wife and I in our situations and was followed by both of us. But as I read thread after thread about affairs there is the constant comment and usually multiple times throughout the thread of how if the affair was with a coworker then that spouse must quit their job immediately, and how that's a must do or the idea of reconciliation can never happen.

Now I don't know where most of you are from or what industries you're in, but how easy do you really think it is to just quit your job in an instant and move on to a new job in your field making the same money you were? Like I said, I completely understand why there should be no contact, but realistically wouldn't quitting a job, most likely being out of work for a little while looking for a new job, and possibly finding a new making less money than you were before, add more stress and tension to an already tense situation and marriage? Not to mention the stress of trying to build your reputation and get established at a new company. I know at least where I live, finding a job in most career type fields are not exactly easy to come by.

Just curious to see the responses here.
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post #29 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 04:22 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Really?! But, what if you can only spend part of that time together per week, but still want to make the effort to improve things? He seriously wouldn't help a couple like that?

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There are many obstacles and roadblocks to recovery. He states his program won't work without that step. Same with his approach to improve marriages by committing to at least 15 hours of 1 on 1 time together. He won't even counsel couples who can't make this happen, and many couples give very good reasons why they can't.
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post #30 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 04:30 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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AME, I seriously couldn't agree more, and have wondered the same thing on occasion, when I see posts like that. I'm the only woman on my very small 3-person team at my office, and I speak highly of my boss and officemate, both of who are utterly fantastic to work with. I've told my husband how great they both are, and while there's nothing going on (OK, I find my officemate fairly attractive), if H ever got suspicious, and told me to quit my job, I wouldn't. I couldn't, unless he wanted to support the entire household for however long! I've been laid off twice since 2014, and he still expected me to contribute my share, so i highly doubt that he would support the household. Combine that with the fact that it isn't easy to find a job in my field, and no, I wouldn't readily quit my job. I can't think of anyone who can just up and quit, actually. And no, I would never ask hubby to quit his job either!
Have either you or your husband ever cheated on the other? If not, you really have no idea what either of you would do. And if it happened that you cheated with this guy you find attractive and your husband told you it was your job or him, and you still wouldn't quit, then you'd deserve to be D'd.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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