Yes I've had my own problems in my marriage. I've had an EA with a woman 1000 miles away from me who I had never met in person. I caught my wife texting another man all day everyday, most likely an EA. And I've also found a suggestive text from a different man on my wife's phone. I've done my investigations and I have found that neither of those incidents ever were physical affairs. I say this just so people understand that I'm just coming out of no where with this.
My question is this, now I totally understand the idea of no contact with the other man or woman after an affair, whether it be emotional or physical. That rule was set by both my wife and I in our situations and was followed by both of us. But as I read thread after thread about affairs there is the constant comment and usually multiple times throughout the thread of how if the affair was with a coworker then that spouse must quit their job immediately, and how that's a must do or the idea of reconciliation can never happen.
Now I don't know where most of you are from or what industries you're in, but how easy do you really think it is to just quit your job in an instant and move on to a new job in your field making the same money you were? Like I said, I completely understand why there should be no contact, but realistically wouldn't quitting a job, most likely being out of work for a little while looking for a new job, and possibly finding a new making less money than you were before, add more stress and tension to an already tense situation and marriage? Not to mention the stress of trying to build your reputation and get established at a new company. I know at least where I live, finding a job in most career type fields are not exactly easy to come by.
Just curious to see the responses here.
I've been "quitted" from jobs many times. Given that, statistically in the US, the average worker gets laid off twice in their careers, and the average unemployment during those layoffs is 40 months or so, the expectation is that you live beneath your means. So I always have.
So, I've lost jobs, gotten jobs that paid 30% less, etc...and always come out ahead. The new job always taught me something new.
I began having income in 1966 and with a few exceptions, the availability of jobs has seeemed better every years since. So, with confidence, and assuming you've done what everybody says to do (add skills every year), a job isn't hard to get. I mean - you were unemployed when you found THIS job, right?
However...that's just a response to your side topic.
As far as "telling someone to quit"...in my many years of delving into various parts of psychology, I have not encountered, even once, a situation where "telling" another adult to do something ends up doing anything other than driving a wedge between people. IMO, you just don't "tell" any other adult what to do, unless you're in a position of power - boss, parole officer, judge of the courtroom, etc.
I would say, the agreements are as you described mutual - you agree to never see the person again. If it was a co-worker, then you have a conversation. "Are you in the same department?" "Is there a way you can get moved to a different department or project?" Make sure to say "I want to honor my agreement with you and it is a two-sided agreement and I admit some fear here, so please help me out." If the company is too small or rigid to allow any flexibility internally, then I'd be offering to help. "What kind of jobs do you think you can do that you'd like? Do you need to take some classes? I'll put in extra effort to watch the kids." I'd do this not because I'm "telling" them to quit, but since we DO have an agreement, and I know that my spouse loves me and wants to honor those commitments, I'm sure it's on her mind as well, so I'm trying to make it easier.
But - "tell" another adult what to do? Really bad idea.