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post #31 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 04:52 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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Have either you or your husband ever cheated on the other? If not, you really have no idea what either of you would do. And if it happened that you cheated with this guy you find attractive and your husband told you it was your job or him, and you still wouldn't quit, then you'd deserve to be D'd.


Like I said, reconciliation isn't for everyone. If you cheat with the office mate and then continue working with him then you've made your choice.


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post #32 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 05:12 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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Technically an ultimatum is forcing, "you either do this or else". And even if they agree willingly to do it, are they really doing it willingly? And how will they feel about what they did "willingly" a month from now? That's where the resentment can set in and just make things worse.
Forcing a BS to watch their WS leave for work each day knowing they are going to see and/or communicate with their affair partner is the epitome of creating resentment, and there are two types of resentment: 1. The kind that someone feels when they have to stop doing something they want because it hurts their spouse, and 2. The kind that someone feels when they are forced to put up with something that deeply hurts them.

Guess which type is harder to recover from?

Last edited by Jessica38; 03-31-2017 at 06:35 PM.
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post #33 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 05:40 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Answering OP.

Depends on if your marriage is worth more than a job.

If my wife had a PA it would be over except for my retribution.

If she had an EA with a coworker I would probably give her a second chance if she busted her ass to repair the marriage and that would include absolutely no contact with her AP.

I value my marriage far more than any monetary compensation and derive major satisfaction from it. If no contact meant her quitting her job, she would do it in a heartbeat or lose me.

I'm a serious hard ass though and could probably "convince" her AP to quit.
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post #34 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 05:55 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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See this is where everything gets skewed. Yes, counselors can work wonders for a relationship but their advice isnít always practical. Take the 15 hours of one on one time a week. I know that in my life, between my work, my wifeís work, taking care of the house, the pets, our son and all his school and sports activities, all the other day to day responsibilities, and personal time for each of us, itís almost impossible to spend over 2 hours a day of just us one on one.

On top of that thereís all the additional problems making a spouse quit their job will add to an already tense marriage. The added resentment that they had to give up a job they loved or had to take a decrease in pay for. The possible financial struggles of only one income while the other looks for a new job. The possible depression that taking a job they really donít like could cause, and list goes on.

By forcing a WS to quit a job, in my opinion, can add more problems to a failing marriage that will only speed up the process to divorce. And at the same time turn that divorce into more of a messy financial burden then it needs to be.
So where is your line?

You are clear that money is somewhat, possibly, more important than fidelity to an extent.

So as long as your wife is bringing home the bacon it is palatable to you that she might be porking her coworker?

Where is your line?
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post #35 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 06:07 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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See this is where everything gets skewed. Yes, counselors can work wonders for a relationship but their advice isnít always practical. Take the 15 hours of one on one time a week. I know that in my life, between my work, my wifeís work, taking care of the house, the pets, our son and all his school and sports activities, all the other day to day responsibilities, and personal time for each of us, itís almost impossible to spend over 2 hours a day of just us one on one.
If your marriage is in crisis, and you are serious about wanting to save it, you do whatever you must to make that happen. Even if it means the kids miss out on some sport. Their family is far more important.


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I value my marriage far more than any monetary compensation and derive major satisfaction from it. If no contact meant her quitting her job, she would do it in a heartbeat or lose me.
Ditto. My marriage and family is the most important thing to me, my entire world. It's streets ahead from number 2 and 3 on the list. If it were ever at risk, I would do whatever was needed to save and repair it.
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post #36 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 06:39 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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Really?! But, what if you can only spend part of that time together per week, but still want to make the effort to improve things? He seriously wouldn't help a couple like that?
Dr. Harley states that he simply can't help a couple who refuses to agree to spend 15 hours a week meeting the 4 most important intimate needs. He's tried and learned over the years after counseling thousands of marriages that it won't work without it.
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post #37 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 07:21 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

[threadjack]
Just to comment on the "15 hours a week" topic, that really isn't all that much time. Think of it like this:
Mon-Fri. 2 hours/day = 10 hours
Sat. = 3 hours
Sun. = 3 hours

Or how about:
Mon-Fri. 1-5 hours/day = 7.5 hours
Sat. = 5 hours (2 in the morning, 3 as "date night")
Sun. = 3 hours (second "date night")

The trick is that each hour has to be just the two of you, focusing on each other, no kids. But think of it this way: 1 hour having coffee/breakfast together, 1 hour before bedtime just talking, some extra "recreational activity" on Saturday and a date night, and on Sundays the kids go to their room early (not necessarily "to sleep" but their own private "me time") and you two rotate a favorite game or book and do it together. See? It's really not all that hard.
[/threadjack]

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post #38 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 07:25 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

If it comes right down to it, survival may be more important than a marriage. Of course, survival isn't usually the issue, unless divorce is likely.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #39 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 08:17 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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Yes I've had my own problems in my marriage. I've had an EA with a woman 1000 miles away from me who I had never met in person. I caught my wife texting another man all day everyday, most likely an EA. And I've also found a suggestive text from a different man on my wife's phone. I've done my investigations and I have found that neither of those incidents ever were physical affairs. I say this just so people understand that I'm just coming out of no where with this.

My question is this, now I totally understand the idea of no contact with the other man or woman after an affair, whether it be emotional or physical. That rule was set by both my wife and I in our situations and was followed by both of us. But as I read thread after thread about affairs there is the constant comment and usually multiple times throughout the thread of how if the affair was with a coworker then that spouse must quit their job immediately, and how that's a must do or the idea of reconciliation can never happen.

Now I don't know where most of you are from or what industries you're in, but how easy do you really think it is to just quit your job in an instant and move on to a new job in your field making the same money you were? Like I said, I completely understand why there should be no contact, but realistically wouldn't quitting a job, most likely being out of work for a little while looking for a new job, and possibly finding a new making less money than you were before, add more stress and tension to an already tense situation and marriage? Not to mention the stress of trying to build your reputation and get established at a new company. I know at least where I live, finding a job in most career type fields are not exactly easy to come by.

Just curious to see the responses here.
I've been "quitted" from jobs many times. Given that, statistically in the US, the average worker gets laid off twice in their careers, and the average unemployment during those layoffs is 40 months or so, the expectation is that you live beneath your means. So I always have.

So, I've lost jobs, gotten jobs that paid 30% less, etc...and always come out ahead. The new job always taught me something new.

I began having income in 1966 and with a few exceptions, the availability of jobs has seeemed better every years since. So, with confidence, and assuming you've done what everybody says to do (add skills every year), a job isn't hard to get. I mean - you were unemployed when you found THIS job, right?

However...that's just a response to your side topic.

As far as "telling someone to quit"...in my many years of delving into various parts of psychology, I have not encountered, even once, a situation where "telling" another adult to do something ends up doing anything other than driving a wedge between people. IMO, you just don't "tell" any other adult what to do, unless you're in a position of power - boss, parole officer, judge of the courtroom, etc.

I would say, the agreements are as you described mutual - you agree to never see the person again. If it was a co-worker, then you have a conversation. "Are you in the same department?" "Is there a way you can get moved to a different department or project?" Make sure to say "I want to honor my agreement with you and it is a two-sided agreement and I admit some fear here, so please help me out." If the company is too small or rigid to allow any flexibility internally, then I'd be offering to help. "What kind of jobs do you think you can do that you'd like? Do you need to take some classes? I'll put in extra effort to watch the kids." I'd do this not because I'm "telling" them to quit, but since we DO have an agreement, and I know that my spouse loves me and wants to honor those commitments, I'm sure it's on her mind as well, so I'm trying to make it easier.

But - "tell" another adult what to do? Really bad idea.

There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
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post #40 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 08:18 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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Exactly. And think of the situations where it's only an EA, and the courts don't recognize that as a valid reason for divorce. You end up adding more problems to your already problem situation.
In 50 states, reasons are not required. Perhaps you're outside the USA?


There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
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post #41 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 09:11 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

If I found my spouse was in a physical or serious emotional affair I would not demand she quit her job. Why should I? She would need that income to finance her divorce lawyer and pay for a new place to live.

Nor would I want pass words to her electronic devices, or marriage counseling, or her checking in with me and telling me where she's at, ad nauseum. Why? I would force myself to embrace the truth that the marriage is already over and there is nothing to salvage.

I hope I would immediately get to work salvaging my dignity and I would start by telling wife thank you for revealing her true identity now rather than later and wish her luck in her new life without me.

Then I would go dark on her. Ghost. And move on.

If I were put in a time machine and transported back 24 years, this is exactly what I would do if I had to do it all over again.

After many years of experience and carefully observing human nature I've predetermined this would be my pathway in this hypothetical scenario, but it might not be best for everyone. I sure won't fault anyone trying to reconcile, indeed I admire many who pull it off. More power to them. But it's not for me.
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post #42 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 09:44 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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But - "tell" another adult what to do? Really bad idea.
Only for the incredibly insecure and weak.

If you can't tell your cheating spouse to do or not do certain things to repair the marriage and restore trust then you are the definition of doormat.
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post #43 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 10:24 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Some psychologist recommend moving far away because sometimes spouses get addicted to the person they are cheating with and despite being caught, they cannot live without their lover when they are so close to them milage wise. I moved once because and ex girlfriend whose husband caught us did not care and called me to have sex the next day. She was addicted to me. She showed up wherever I was and even though I did not like her much, when I was near her, I was extremely attracted to her. Must be pheromones. Even after her husband caught us, she did not wear a wedding band, and never mentioned that she was married with kids, she called me up to have sex with her dismissing my concerns about dating a married woman.

I tried staying away from her but she always showed up where I was and even though Io did not like her as a person, when I got near her I was highly aroused. Must be pheromones. She then started to stalk me. She was addicted to me and was determined to break me and my wife up. She left roses on my door step and called at night to wish me a good night. She would spy on me and it was getting ridiculous. I felt weak and this was before caller ID or strict stalking laws, so I moved far away and problem solved. Aside from her stalking, I was addicted to her too so I wanted to get away from her before it became a problem. My wife was OK with my girlfriends but not ones that tried to break us up.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality when the choice is monogamy or your marriage.

Last edited by Vinnydee; 03-31-2017 at 10:32 PM.
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post #44 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 10:49 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

That is big problem. Making the WS to quit their job. THIS IS THE WRONG SOLUTION.

The right solution is stated in the last sentence of my response.
.................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................

This post triggered something in my past were I was badly "wronged" by someone that begged for my understanding and for my trust.

.................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................

When I was young someone ran into the back of my pickup truck and wiped out my rear bumper. The guy that hit me had no insurance and begged me not to call the police. I could tell he had been drinking. Being young I felt compassion for him. But I wrote down all his ID information off his drivers license and license plate. I got his phone number. I told him that I would get an estimate for a new bumper only. I would change it out myself. He gladly agreed.

I got the price of the new bumper. I called the phone number he gave me, it was disconnected. I went to the address on the drivers license and they said he moved out about six months ago. I was pissed. I had a friend who was a Policeman. He ran the plate for me. I got his current address. I drove by his place and saw his car.

I called two of my friends, one was in the Hell's Angels [he worked for me]. I was a new engineer in a large mfg plant. The other guy was about 6 ft 5 inches tall and had a big belly. He was as gentle as a lamb but looked really mean.

I wore a leather jacket and put on a welders cloth hat.

We went up on the porch and rang the doorbell. The same guy answered the door. i told him who I was was and told him I was really pissed that he lied to me. My Hell.s Angel buddy told the guy to give me the money NOW! He forked over the money and gave me an extra fifty.

.................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .....................

The correct answer is this: The cheating SOB POSOM should quit HIS job. How you convince him to do this is your issue.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #45 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 11:07 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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Only for the incredibly insecure and weak.

If you can't tell your cheating spouse to do or not do certain things to repair the marriage and restore trust then you are the definition of doormat.
If your relationship is based on ordering people to do things and having them obey, then it is not a romantic relationship. It is one of ownership. If "weak" and "doormat" are equal to "I prefer collaboration", then I'll be happy to be a weak doormat.

On the other hand, that kind of conversation always strikes me as someone who only knows how to approach people in terms of being in a competition...which is also not a particularly romantic notion, IMO.

Before 'telling' anybody anything you'd better damned well make sure they AGREE this is the right thing...until you're there, any "telling" you do will make them think of you as what you are - a belligerant child.

There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
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