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post #46 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 09:23 AM
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Originally Posted by manfromlamancha View Post
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Originally Posted by Ursula View Post
AME, I seriously couldn't agree more, and have wondered the same thing on occasion, when I see posts like that. I'm the only woman on my very small 3-person team at my office, and I speak highly of my boss and officemate, both of who are utterly fantastic to work with. I've told my husband how great they both are, and while there's nothing going on (OK, I find my officemate fairly attractive), if H ever got suspicious, and told me to quit my job, I wouldn't. I couldn't, unless he wanted to support the entire household for however long! I've been laid off twice since 2014, and he still expected me to contribute my share, so i highly doubt that he would support the household. Combine that with the fact that it isn't easy to find a job in my field, and no, I wouldn't readily quit my job. I can't think of anyone who can just up and quit, actually. And no, I would never ask hubby to quit his job either!
So OP, the above poster gives a good example here. Her job is clearly more important than the marriage without her even knowing that it is. She believes that she COULDN'T give up the job because jobs are hard to find. Maybe so. But it does present a possible recipe for disaster.

She loves the small team she works with - her office partner is attractive to her. She praises them to her hubby. I guess this happens. They both are nice people. She sees them at work and they are nice because they all have to work together. None of them leave their mess lying around the house to clean up, or fail to put out the garbage, or have to deal with sick children - they are nice! And attractive!

Now possibly already suspicious hubby and her go through one bad patch. (Probably have had more than one - normal in marriages). If the "attractive" one of these nice people is a predator and finds that the poster is attractive to him, this marriage is toast. He will say nice things to her and bad things about her husband, she will agree, she is already attracted to him, and all this becomes very exciting. She even thinks of leaving hubby for attractive office partner. Again all of these things do happen.

Its what happens next that is important. She gets discovered and is asked to leave the job by hubby because in order to repair the marriage, she needs to be away from the predator. But no! She cannot "afford" to leave the job because after all, jobs are hard to find, this pays well, she didn't actually sleep with the guy (maybe just a kiss although she was thinking of leaving hubby anyway) - so no! She will not leave her job. How do you think the marriage is going to end up. Hubby either divorces her immediately or lives in pain and with a lot of resentment for her. She thinks less of her hubby and eventually also wants to divorce him. In any case the financial situation is not going to be good - its going to be worse than it was before. Two homes, split household, divorce expenses etc.

Now if she had left her job, she would only do so if she valued her marriage and family above everything else and really was in love with and wanted to be with her husband. This would give them both a chance to fix an EA. And find a way to manage financially. So all about choices.
Your are missing a HUGE point Ursula talked about. Her husband WON'T support them financially. Won't support her. So without a job, she is screwed. If someone refuses to help support you, how can that person expect you to quit your job?

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post #47 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 09:27 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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Your are missing a HUGE point Ursula talked about. Her husband WON'T support them financially. Won't support her. So without a job, she is screwed. If someone refuses to help support you, how can that person expect you to quit your job?
If this is true, that is a whole different problem - nothing to do with having an EA with an office partner and not quitting the job on discovery. If she is with a husband that won't support them financially, that husband probably needs to be an ex-husband. Different problem completely.

In any case, what I read was that he wanted her to work TOO. He is working but cannot support the family just by himself. This is different to "won't support the family" - he wants her to contribute her bit too.

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post #48 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 09:35 AM
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She says she was laid off twice since 2014 and even while laid off still expected her to contribute her "share".
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post #49 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 09:41 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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Originally Posted by Livvie View Post
She says she was laid off twice since 2014 and even while laid off still expected her to contribute her "share".
Yeah. Charming...

Her situation would be interesting.

Not wishing infidelity on anyone but her husband's reaction to an EA or PA with a coworker would be interesting to observe.
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post #50 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 11:22 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Just responding to the OP, yeah, it's very easy to say the cheater must quit their job. In the economy I live in, that ain't so easy.

However, a good amount of cheaters continue their affairs when they work with their affair partner. It's just so easy to continue contact and let's be honest - on D-Day, the cheater is TOLD they have to stop all contact with their affair partner. That obviously wasn't something they were choosing to do themselves or they wouldn't be IN the affair in order to get caught. So you're already dealing with someone who didn't want to stop their affair in the FIRST place, and here they are being thrown right back into the same playpen with their affair partner. I think it's a bit ludicrous to believe a WS when they claim 'we're ignoring each other at work, I swear!' like so many cheaters claim to their betrayed spouses. Such hogwash.

So, I understand the desire to have a cheater no longer work where they see their affair partner every day. But a lot of the time, it's just unrealistic - especially if the couple has foolishly lived up to their means and the cheater can't even come close to getting the same salary elsewhere, or if the BS isn't working and the cheater's income is the ONLY one they depend on and things are already as tight as they can get. But some cheating ass-clown is NOT worth the BS possibly going into bankruptcy or foreclosure on their home or ruining their good credit or having to move into their parent's basement JUST so their cheater isn't working with their affair partner. There's a limit.
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post #51 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 11:30 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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Now I don't know where most of you are from or what industries you're in, but how easy do you really think it is to just quit your job in an instant and move on to a new job in your field making the same money you were?
I'd reckon that the action of quitting is about as easy as jumping into bed with an affair partner.

I'd also reckon that finding a new job and suffering the consequences of quitting your old one is much easier than spending the next 2-5 years trying to repair the marriage.

But that's just my opinion, others may feel differently.

The idea is that quitting is easy, finding a new job is hard. Cheating does much more damage than the cheaters are aware of, that includes knock-on future damage that hasn't even occurred yet.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #52 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 11:40 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

If it's unrealistic to expect the cheater to quit working because their affair partner is there too, and they only stopped the affair because they got caught then the only realistic solution is to end the relationship. It's probably not going to work out anyway after cheating.
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post #53 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 11:56 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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Two ways of dealing with adultery?

I'll stick with the direct approach. Mrs. Conan and I have over 25 years together and she would not hesitate to tell me what to do on occasion as well.

We are probably what most would refer to as successful in most areas of our marriage including romance/intimacy /sex.

When someone is harming/abusing you, you need to tell them to stop.

Infidelity is harmful and abusive both mentally and emotionally.

Stopping the harm/abuse consists of a little thing we call NC here at TAM.

NC might require a new job, home or even a new city and friends.

If you are unable to tell someone to stop harming/abusing you, then you are a doormat.

There is nothing belligerent or childish about it.
This X100. If your spouse is hurting you, it's ok to tell them it needs to stop. Personal boundaries are for YOU- you get to tell your partner what you're willing (and not willing) to live with. And if they are honoring their vows to protect and cherish you and forsake all others, they will listen.
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post #54 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 12:13 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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This X100. If your spouse is hurting you, it's ok to tell them it needs to stop. Personal boundaries are for YOU- you get to tell your partner what you're willing (and not willing) to live with. And if they are honoring their vows to protect and cherish you and forsake all others, they will listen.
But we're talking about cheaters here, who by definition are not honorable and do not cherish their partner and do not forsake others so why would they listen?
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post #55 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 12:38 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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Leaving a job isn't always practical - sometimes, there needs to be another solution, perhaps less safe or desirable, but workable. And wouldn't it be ironic if you force your cheating spouse to leave their great job, and then end up divorced and paying spousal support?
And its not ironic that because the the WS is *STILL* at the job, that it causes the divorce... and he will still need to pay child support.

If the cheater *IS* going to keep the affair, than he or she doesn't care about the marriage and will continue to work there.

If the cheater *WANTS* to save his marriage - then he will need to change jobs or his AP needs to change jobs. The cost of divorce, destruction of the family, harm to the children vs a job? Hmmmmm.


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post #56 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 12:55 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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By setting any rule for a WS or giving them any type of ultimatum after an affair is forcing them to do something.

No, I totally do get your point, but when the WS is first caught and confronted, and even for a decent amount of time after that, they are in that fog. They're not thinking of reconciliation yet and they're not thinking of ways to comfort anyone yet but themselves. But if NC is going to be part of the deal, it needs to happen ASAP, so yes the BS would be forcing them to do something that they may not be ready to do yet.
Then perhaps the wayward shouldn't have made the decision to become a wayward? EA easily become PA as well and PA can also add EA. If you don't want to lose your job, DON'T cheat. And from a company perspective... since you are cheating / lying to your spouse - you are likely to also do other things, like steal money or items from the company.

You're not getting the point. You are saying that the WS shouldn't leave the job because the WS is still in the fog. BUT if you continue to see your AP, you are keeping yourself in the fog. You are NOT putting your marriage first. transferring or quitting the job to remove yourself away from the AP is part of the process of building trust.

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post #57 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 01:02 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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Then perhaps the wayward shouldn't have made the decision to become a wayward?
Never understand the point of these "after the fact" posts.

There's a LOT of things we shouldn't have done.

But we DID and now we have to deal with it unless there's a way to turn back the clock and some how undo it.
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post #58 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 01:06 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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AME, I seriously couldn't agree more, and have wondered the same thing on occasion, when I see posts like that. I'm the only woman on my very small 3-person team at my office, and I speak highly of my boss and officemate, both of who are utterly fantastic to work with. I've told my husband how great they both are, and while there's nothing going on (OK, I find my officemate fairly attractive), if H ever got suspicious, and told me to quit my job, I wouldn't. I couldn't unless he wanted to support the entire household for however long!
What if your husband cheated with a co-worker (male or female) - and so you can both support your household - he continues to work with his AP 8+ hours a day, going out of town on biz trips, spending lunches together - in the park, in the car by the park, in the back seat of the car by the park?

But he says "I won't talk to the AP anymore, trust me" - you'll take him at his word?

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post #59 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 01:29 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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Never understand the point of these "after the fact" posts.

There's a LOT of things we shouldn't have done.

But we DID and now we have to deal with it unless there's a way to turn back the clock and some how undo it.
Point of that is... the Wayward knew they were doing something they know is WRONG... so they are going to have to suffer some consequences. They know that getting busted at work will be a problem.

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post #60 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 01:31 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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And its not ironic that because the the WS is *STILL* at the job, that it causes the divorce... and he will still need to pay child support.

If the cheater *IS* going to keep the affair, than he or she doesn't care about the marriage and will continue to work there.

If the cheater *WANTS* to save his marriage - then he will need to change jobs or his AP needs to change jobs. The cost of divorce, destruction of the family, harm to the children vs a job? Hmmmmm.
Well, if you put it that way ... you might still be wrong.

If the cheater is the only spouse working, and cannot find a comparable job in the area, then IMO better to establish whatever safeguards you can and have them keep working. Quitting and being unable to support the family isn't going to help the marriage. That alone could also lead to divorce, only there is little or no money for alimony or child support, so the whole family is hurting. If the marriage survives, it may mean downsizing considerably if there are no good jobs. At best, in such situations they may be able to move to find a job in another town or state, even if that disrupts family ties, schooling, housing, etc. There may be more harm to leaving the job than staying - it really comes down to how much the cheater wants to reconcile, and how well they can avoid the AP. The couple needs to decide what works for them - there really is no single solution that can work for everyone, only ones that are better or worse.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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