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post #61 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 02:52 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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Originally Posted by Ursula View Post
AME, I seriously couldn't agree more, and have wondered the same thing on occasion, when I see posts like that. I'm the only woman on my very small 3-person team at my office, and I speak highly of my boss and officemate, both of who are utterly fantastic to work with. I've told my husband how great they both are, and while there's nothing going on (OK, I find my officemate fairly attractive), if H ever got suspicious, and told me to quit my job, I wouldn't. I couldn't, unless he wanted to support the entire household for however long! I've been laid off twice since 2014, and he still expected me to contribute my share, so i highly doubt that he would support the household. Combine that with the fact that it isn't easy to find a job in my field, and no, I wouldn't readily quit my job. I can't think of anyone who can just up and quit, actually. And no, I would never ask hubby to quit his job either!
There is a big difference here. IF is stated in the bolded above. Why should an innocent spouse [you] have to leave their job?

Ursula, IF your lips, boobs and nether regions remain pure; no man [after marriage] has enjoyed these treasures other than your dear husband, and you did not banter lust or romance a man at work, you would have no need or reason to leave your job. You know this. This is common sense.

If your husband was jealous for no real reason, then that is a horse of a different color.

Your color would not Sorrel be, nor Gruilo, but Albino, sic., snow.

The cheaters are the ones who need to quit their jobs. Or better, the POSOM or POSOW.

And IF, dear Ursula, your husband cheated with a co-worker and she still worked with him after D-Day and during the "R" attempt, I am sure you would want him to exit his job...stage left.


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post #62 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 03:00 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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But we're talking about cheaters here, who by definition are not honorable and do not cherish their partner and do not forsake others so why would they listen?
I'm talking about spouses who want to recover their marriage. If a cheating spouse is not willing to work on recovery, then the marriage doesn't have a chance (unless the BS is willing to have an open marriage).
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post #63 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 10:39 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

This post comes up at an interesting time in my life. My closest friend on the planet has just found out her husband had an affair with a co worker, their lives are now in turmoil. He is in the medical field and on around $500k per year, his affair partner is in the same field and in a very senior position. If there is to be any reconciliation ( which doesn't seem likely at this point) then one of them must leave the hospital, no if's or but's on this and I fully support my friends stance on this.

Be an arse then you have to suffer the fallout in your career and finances.
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post #64 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 11:39 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Some of the top careers in infidelity are: Medical (long hours / stress), Airlines (Away from home for 1+ days at a time), Politicians and Ministers (power structure). Company work that involves travel is very high in cheating.


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Originally Posted by Married but Happy View Post
Well, if you put it that way ... you might still be wrong.

If the cheater is the only spouse working, and cannot find a comparable job in the area, then IMO better to establish whatever safeguards you can and have them keep working. Quitting and being unable to support the family isn't going to help the marriage. At best, in such situations they may be able to move to find a job in another town or state, even if that disrupts family ties, schooling, housing, etc. There may be more harm to leaving the job than staying - it really comes down to how much the cheater wants to reconcile, and how well they can avoid the AP.
Well then... that works out for the cheater - and many DO cheat with the BS pretending its not happening because of the bucketloads of money (like certain super-rich couples in which it's obvious she can't stand the creep). The wife who stays at home and takes care of the 3 kids is dependent on the income to cover bills and feed the kids. That's okay... keep the job ~ she can still file for divorce, have him pay her legal fees and then some.

It is acceptable to leave a job (if the AP can't / won't leave - remember there could be two sets of families with kids) within a reasonable timeframe... like a couple of weeks. Again, usually cheaters aren't thinking that far, they don't care - they just want to screw their brains out. No matter who gets hurt.

So what is your personal experience of infidelity?

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #65 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 08:14 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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That's okay... keep the job ~ she can still file for divorce, have him pay her legal fees and then some.
...
So what is your personal experience of infidelity?
Yes, she (or he) can still file for divorce. As they can if the spouse does quit the job (only, they may not get much if they can't find another that pays well). Exposure, and the cheater showing remorse and true attempts to reconcile may be enough, IMO. Again, it's up to the couple to decide what they can tolerate. While it may be ideal for the cheater to leave that job, idealism doesn't provide food and shelter. And proximity does not always mean the affair continues, once exposed and reconciliation is chosen.

I have some experience with infidelity. I believe my ex had an EA with a guy at work - maybe it got physical. At the time, I didn't care that much, because I was already planning to divorce her for other reasons - and did. Besides, unless we both wanted to save the marriage at any cost (neither of us did by then), it would be better for her to continue working (comparable jobs were very rare) so I'd pay less alimony and child support. It was enough to expose to the other guy's wife, who watched him like a hawk - he kept his job, too, since they clearly couldn't afford him taking a lower paying job elsewhere.

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post #66 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 09:24 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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Originally Posted by Married but Happy View Post
Yes, she (or he) can still file for divorce. As they can if the spouse does quit the job (only, they may not get much if they can't find another that pays well). Exposure, and the cheater showing remorse and true attempts to reconcile may be enough, IMO. Again, it's up to the couple to decide what they can tolerate. While it may be ideal for the cheater to leave that job, idealism doesn't provide food and shelter. And proximity does not always mean the affair continues, once exposed and reconciliation is chosen.

I have some experience with infidelity. I believe my ex had an EA with a guy at work - maybe it got physical. At the time, I didn't care that much, because I was already planning to divorce her for other reasons - and did. Besides, unless we both wanted to save the marriage at any cost (neither of us did by then), it would be better for her to continue working (comparable jobs were very rare) so I'd pay less alimony and child support. It was enough to expose to the other guy's wife, who watched him like a hawk - he kept his job, too, since they clearly couldn't afford him taking a lower paying job elsewhere.
You have an alternate point of view that is valid.

People can have different priorities. I suppose determining the priorities of a BS concerning finances is a good item to determine when offering reconciliation advice.

NC really is a must for the majority of marriages to recover however some folks apparently don't require it.
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post #67 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 09:53 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Guess it seems pretty simple to me, like the saying goes play stupid games and win stupid prizes.

Everyone saying quitting a job isn't easy and causes stress, so does divorce and breaking apart a family. If the WS had an affair with a co-worker I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask they find another position somewhere else. The BS really gets to determine where they fall on the scale of need to make reconciliation work. Many, if not most, won't reconcile at all so my thinking is if your spouse is going to forgive or try and forgive you the worse betrayal then they get to call the shots on what they need.
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post #68 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 11:36 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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Originally Posted by ConanHub View Post
You have an alternate point of view that is valid.

People can have different priorities. I suppose determining the priorities of a BS concerning finances is a good item to determine when offering reconciliation advice.

NC really is a must for the majority of marriages to recover however some folks apparently don't require it.
The problem with this is a BS may very well WANT to believe that the WS can handle contact because they're remorseful and actively working on R (MC, etc.)....and likely wants to keep the family's financial security as much as the WS. Especially if they have children. And if those kids are settled in school, a BS may want to "skip" the challenges of relocating.

But ONE text or brush next to an Affair partner can rekindle the entire thing. It has in many instances, which is why a BS needs to insist on NC, even if it means changing jobs and relocating to a different area.

This step can be just as painful and breed resentment in the BS as it does a WS who wants to keep their job. But it must be done if the marriage is going to recover.
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post #69 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 02:22 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
The problem with this is a BS may very well WANT to believe that the WS can handle contact because they're remorseful and actively working on R (MC, etc.)....and likely wants to keep the family's financial security as much as the WS. Especially if they have children. And if those kids are settled in school, a BS may want to "skip" the challenges of relocating.

But ONE text or brush next to an Affair partner can rekindle the entire thing. It has in many instances, which is why a BS needs to insist on NC, even if it means changing jobs and relocating to a different area.

This step can be just as painful and breed resentment in the BS as it does a WS who wants to keep their job. But it must be done if the marriage is going to recover.
I'm extremely territorial and I would have to have NC regardless of the cost but I try to empathize with different points of view.

I believe in NC to reestablish trust and commitment.

A WS might never again stray and be revolted by their previous infidelity so much as to not ever be tempted again but putting the BS through any uncertainty isn't healthy for a damaged marriage at all.

I agree most stringently with you but am willing to consider other points of view.
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post #70 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 02:29 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

I also don't think "saving" the marriage or reconciliation is a good idea - except in very rare cases. So whatever I'd decide would be based purely on pragmatic considerations that presume a divorce is in the works.


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post #71 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 03:31 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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I'm extremely territorial and I would have to have NC regardless of the cost but I try to empathize with different points of view.

I believe in NC to reestablish trust and commitment.

A WS might never again stray and be revolted by their previous infidelity so much as to not ever be tempted again but putting the BS through any uncertainty isn't healthy for a damaged marriage at all.

I agree most stringently with you but am willing to consider other points of view.
I understand. I just wanted to point out that sometimes the BS may have a hard time and feel resentment too at the possibility of having to uproot and/or suffer financial stress due to the WS affair. A BS may be just as opposed to the WS quitting their job.
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post #72 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 09:01 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

And I couldn't agree more! No, we haven't cheated on each other that I know of, but we've talked about open marriages, and I've told H that he was welcome to go find it elsewhere if he wanted to, so no, I wouldn't make him quit his job; that's his livelihood, and my job is my livelihood.

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Have either you or your husband ever cheated on the other? If not, you really have no idea what either of you would do. And if it happened that you cheated with this guy you find attractive and your husband told you it was your job or him, and you still wouldn't quit, then you'd deserve to be D'd.
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post #73 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 09:21 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Hey @manfromlamancha, I guess I did give a good case study, didn't I?!

Yes, I have finally found a job that I'm actually excited to go to in the mornings, and that makes all the difference. It's really hard to have a job you hate, and I've ended up taking more sick days than I should simply because I don't want to be there. This job isn't like that. It keeps me mentally stimulated, and the office dogs also help a lot (belly rub breaks are the best kind of breaks). My officemate is a quiet man, and a wealth of information; I've learned a lot from him in regards to our field. The work is interesting; it's within my field, but different tasks than I've done before. My boss is one of the best I've ever had, and I never said that he was attractive; he's old enough to be my Father.

That being said, my marriage is almost 4 years in, and it honestly is a marriage that shouldn't have happened in the first place. I'm not sure if you know my history, but let me give you a quick rundown: we dated for 3 months, engaged for 10 months, and married for about 3.5 years. We can't communicate with each other, and it's been slowly breaking down since it started. We didn't know each other when we got married, and we still don't know each other because we spend very little time together. We eat supper while watching TV together every evening, and this past Friday was our first date night since early December, and he spent a chunk of it on the phone with his sibling. Also, we don't have children, and that's a major part of the problem; I want a family, but refuse to have one with someone who is seldom available.

So, my marriage is on a downhill slope, and I'm not sure if things are going to work out. We were going through a book together, but fell off the rails with that, and since we've been trying and not succeeding to change things since year #1, I've got 1 foot out the door. So yes, at this point, my job is the 1 bright spot in life right now, and it is more important to me than a marriage that I'm merely ho-hum about. Hell, I've given my H permission to cheat. I figured that since I'm not able to teach him anything in the bedroom, maybe someone else can. He's been in an open (non-sexual) relationship before with his best friend and that guy's girlfriend (now wife). I thought he might be up for it again. He's not, so we're both stuck between a rock and a hard place. And no, if H ended up hooking up with someone at his office, I would probably slap him on the back and say, "good for you!". So yes, I know myself, and I know what I would do in a situation like that.


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Originally Posted by manfromlamancha View Post
So OP, the above poster gives a good example here. Her job is clearly more important than the marriage without her even knowing that it is. She believes that she COULDN'T give up the job because jobs are hard to find. Maybe so. But it does present a possible recipe for disaster.

She loves the small team she works with - her office partner is attractive to her. She praises them to her hubby. I guess this happens. They both are nice people. She sees them at work and they are nice because they all have to work together. None of them leave their mess lying around the house to clean up, or fail to put out the garbage, or have to deal with sick children - they are nice! And attractive!

Now possibly already suspicious hubby and her go through one bad patch. (Probably have had more than one - normal in marriages). If the "attractive" one of these nice people is a predator and finds that the poster is attractive to him, this marriage is toast. He will say nice things to her and bad things about her husband, she will agree, she is already attracted to him, and all this becomes very exciting. She even thinks of leaving hubby for attractive office partner. Again all of these things do happen.

Its what happens next that is important. She gets discovered and is asked to leave the job by hubby because in order to repair the marriage, she needs to be away from the predator. But no! She cannot "afford" to leave the job because after all, jobs are hard to find, this pays well, she didn't actually sleep with the guy (maybe just a kiss although she was thinking of leaving hubby anyway) - so no! She will not leave her job. How do you think the marriage is going to end up. Hubby either divorces her immediately or lives in pain and with a lot of resentment for her. She thinks less of her hubby and eventually also wants to divorce him. In any case the financial situation is not going to be good - its going to be worse than it was before. Two homes, split household, divorce expenses etc.

Now if she had left her job, she would only do so if she valued her marriage and family above everything else and really was in love with and wanted to be with her husband. This would give them both a chance to fix an EA. And find a way to manage financially. So all about choices.
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post #74 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 09:24 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

@TaDor, see my reply to manfromlamancha; it pretty much outlines the answers to your questions!


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What if your husband cheated with a co-worker (male or female) - and so you can both support your household - he continues to work with his AP 8+ hours a day, going out of town on biz trips, spending lunches together - in the park, in the car by the park, in the back seat of the car by the park?

But he says "I won't talk to the AP anymore, trust me" - you'll take him at his word?
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post #75 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 09:43 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Yes, I know this, and yes, even though I'm pretty unhappy in my marriage, I haven't cheated on H. I don't think there's anything wrong with finding other people attractive, and I'm sure H has done this as well. But no, if H worked with a woman he had a fling with, I think I would be OK with that, as long as he was using protection. I've suggested that we could both go outside of our marriage to find satisfaction in this area, but he wouldn't hear of it.


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There is a big difference here. IF is stated in the bolded above. Why should an innocent spouse [you] have to leave their job?

Ursula, IF your lips, boobs and nether regions remain pure; no man [after marriage] has enjoyed these treasures other than your dear husband, and you did not banter lust or romance a man at work, you would have no need or reason to leave your job. You know this. This is common sense.

If your husband was jealous for no real reason, then that is a horse of a different color.

Your color would not Sorrel be, nor Gruilo, but Albino, sic., snow.

The cheaters are the ones who need to quit their jobs. Or better, the POSOM or POSOW.

And IF, dear Ursula, your husband cheated with a co-worker and she still worked with him after D-Day and during the "R" attempt, I am sure you would want him to exit his job...stage left.
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