Telling People To Quit Their Jobs - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

User Tag List

 205Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #61 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 01:06 PM
Member
 
TaDor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,245
Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ursula View Post
AME, I seriously couldn't agree more, and have wondered the same thing on occasion, when I see posts like that. I'm the only woman on my very small 3-person team at my office, and I speak highly of my boss and officemate, both of who are utterly fantastic to work with. I've told my husband how great they both are, and while there's nothing going on (OK, I find my officemate fairly attractive), if H ever got suspicious, and told me to quit my job, I wouldn't. I couldn't unless he wanted to support the entire household for however long!
What if your husband cheated with a co-worker (male or female) - and so you can both support your household - he continues to work with his AP 8+ hours a day, going out of town on biz trips, spending lunches together - in the park, in the car by the park, in the back seat of the car by the park?

But he says "I won't talk to the AP anymore, trust me" - you'll take him at his word?


Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
TaDor is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #62 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 01:29 PM
Member
 
TaDor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,245
Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Quote:
Originally Posted by stixx View Post
Never understand the point of these "after the fact" posts.

There's a LOT of things we shouldn't have done.

But we DID and now we have to deal with it unless there's a way to turn back the clock and some how undo it.
Point of that is... the Wayward knew they were doing something they know is WRONG... so they are going to have to suffer some consequences. They know that getting busted at work will be a problem.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
TaDor is online now  
post #63 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 01:31 PM
Member
 
Married but Happy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 4,451
Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Quote:
Originally Posted by TaDor View Post
And its not ironic that because the the WS is *STILL* at the job, that it causes the divorce... and he will still need to pay child support.

If the cheater *IS* going to keep the affair, than he or she doesn't care about the marriage and will continue to work there.

If the cheater *WANTS* to save his marriage - then he will need to change jobs or his AP needs to change jobs. The cost of divorce, destruction of the family, harm to the children vs a job? Hmmmmm.
Well, if you put it that way ... you might still be wrong.

If the cheater is the only spouse working, and cannot find a comparable job in the area, then IMO better to establish whatever safeguards you can and have them keep working. Quitting and being unable to support the family isn't going to help the marriage. That alone could also lead to divorce, only there is little or no money for alimony or child support, so the whole family is hurting. If the marriage survives, it may mean downsizing considerably if there are no good jobs. At best, in such situations they may be able to move to find a job in another town or state, even if that disrupts family ties, schooling, housing, etc. There may be more harm to leaving the job than staying - it really comes down to how much the cheater wants to reconcile, and how well they can avoid the AP. The couple needs to decide what works for them - there really is no single solution that can work for everyone, only ones that are better or worse.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
Married but Happy is online now  
 
post #64 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 02:52 PM
Forum Supporter
 
SunCMars's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: North Coast Nationalist-burg, U.S.A.
Posts: 2,157
Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ursula View Post
AME, I seriously couldn't agree more, and have wondered the same thing on occasion, when I see posts like that. I'm the only woman on my very small 3-person team at my office, and I speak highly of my boss and officemate, both of who are utterly fantastic to work with. I've told my husband how great they both are, and while there's nothing going on (OK, I find my officemate fairly attractive), if H ever got suspicious, and told me to quit my job, I wouldn't. I couldn't, unless he wanted to support the entire household for however long! I've been laid off twice since 2014, and he still expected me to contribute my share, so i highly doubt that he would support the household. Combine that with the fact that it isn't easy to find a job in my field, and no, I wouldn't readily quit my job. I can't think of anyone who can just up and quit, actually. And no, I would never ask hubby to quit his job either!
There is a big difference here. IF is stated in the bolded above. Why should an innocent spouse [you] have to leave their job?

Ursula, IF your lips, boobs and nether regions remain pure; no man [after marriage] has enjoyed these treasures other than your dear husband, and you did not banter lust or romance a man at work, you would have no need or reason to leave your job. You know this. This is common sense.

If your husband was jealous for no real reason, then that is a horse of a different color.

Your color would not Sorrel be, nor Gruilo, but Albino, sic., snow.

The cheaters are the ones who need to quit their jobs. Or better, the POSOM or POSOW.

And IF, dear Ursula, your husband cheated with a co-worker and she still worked with him after D-Day and during the "R" attempt, I am sure you would want him to exit his job...stage left.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
SunCMars is offline  
post #65 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 03:00 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 517
Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Quote:
Originally Posted by stixx View Post
But we're talking about cheaters here, who by definition are not honorable and do not cherish their partner and do not forsake others so why would they listen?
I'm talking about spouses who want to recover their marriage. If a cheating spouse is not willing to work on recovery, then the marriage doesn't have a chance (unless the BS is willing to have an open marriage).
Jessica38 is offline  
post #66 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 10:39 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 752
Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

This post comes up at an interesting time in my life. My closest friend on the planet has just found out her husband had an affair with a co worker, their lives are now in turmoil. He is in the medical field and on around $500k per year, his affair partner is in the same field and in a very senior position. If there is to be any reconciliation ( which doesn't seem likely at this point) then one of them must leave the hospital, no if's or but's on this and I fully support my friends stance on this.

Be an arse then you have to suffer the fallout in your career and finances.
MrsHolland is offline  
post #67 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 11:39 PM
Member
 
TaDor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,245
Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Some of the top careers in infidelity are: Medical (long hours / stress), Airlines (Away from home for 1+ days at a time), Politicians and Ministers (power structure). Company work that involves travel is very high in cheating.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Married but Happy View Post
Well, if you put it that way ... you might still be wrong.

If the cheater is the only spouse working, and cannot find a comparable job in the area, then IMO better to establish whatever safeguards you can and have them keep working. Quitting and being unable to support the family isn't going to help the marriage. At best, in such situations they may be able to move to find a job in another town or state, even if that disrupts family ties, schooling, housing, etc. There may be more harm to leaving the job than staying - it really comes down to how much the cheater wants to reconcile, and how well they can avoid the AP.
Well then... that works out for the cheater - and many DO cheat with the BS pretending its not happening because of the bucketloads of money (like certain super-rich couples in which it's obvious she can't stand the creep). The wife who stays at home and takes care of the 3 kids is dependent on the income to cover bills and feed the kids. That's okay... keep the job ~ she can still file for divorce, have him pay her legal fees and then some.

It is acceptable to leave a job (if the AP can't / won't leave - remember there could be two sets of families with kids) within a reasonable timeframe... like a couple of weeks. Again, usually cheaters aren't thinking that far, they don't care - they just want to screw their brains out. No matter who gets hurt.

So what is your personal experience of infidelity?

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
TaDor is online now  
post #68 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 08:14 AM
Member
 
Married but Happy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 4,451
Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Quote:
Originally Posted by TaDor View Post
That's okay... keep the job ~ she can still file for divorce, have him pay her legal fees and then some.
...
So what is your personal experience of infidelity?
Yes, she (or he) can still file for divorce. As they can if the spouse does quit the job (only, they may not get much if they can't find another that pays well). Exposure, and the cheater showing remorse and true attempts to reconcile may be enough, IMO. Again, it's up to the couple to decide what they can tolerate. While it may be ideal for the cheater to leave that job, idealism doesn't provide food and shelter. And proximity does not always mean the affair continues, once exposed and reconciliation is chosen.

I have some experience with infidelity. I believe my ex had an EA with a guy at work - maybe it got physical. At the time, I didn't care that much, because I was already planning to divorce her for other reasons - and did. Besides, unless we both wanted to save the marriage at any cost (neither of us did by then), it would be better for her to continue working (comparable jobs were very rare) so I'd pay less alimony and child support. It was enough to expose to the other guy's wife, who watched him like a hawk - he kept his job, too, since they clearly couldn't afford him taking a lower paying job elsewhere.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
Married but Happy is online now  
post #69 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 09:24 AM
Member
 
ConanHub's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Abroad. Currently Arizona.
Posts: 7,575
Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Quote:
Originally Posted by Married but Happy View Post
Yes, she (or he) can still file for divorce. As they can if the spouse does quit the job (only, they may not get much if they can't find another that pays well). Exposure, and the cheater showing remorse and true attempts to reconcile may be enough, IMO. Again, it's up to the couple to decide what they can tolerate. While it may be ideal for the cheater to leave that job, idealism doesn't provide food and shelter. And proximity does not always mean the affair continues, once exposed and reconciliation is chosen.

I have some experience with infidelity. I believe my ex had an EA with a guy at work - maybe it got physical. At the time, I didn't care that much, because I was already planning to divorce her for other reasons - and did. Besides, unless we both wanted to save the marriage at any cost (neither of us did by then), it would be better for her to continue working (comparable jobs were very rare) so I'd pay less alimony and child support. It was enough to expose to the other guy's wife, who watched him like a hawk - he kept his job, too, since they clearly couldn't afford him taking a lower paying job elsewhere.
You have an alternate point of view that is valid.

People can have different priorities. I suppose determining the priorities of a BS concerning finances is a good item to determine when offering reconciliation advice.

NC really is a must for the majority of marriages to recover however some folks apparently don't require it.
ConanHub is online now  
post #70 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 09:53 AM
Member
 
Wolf1974's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 4,902
Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Guess it seems pretty simple to me, like the saying goes play stupid games and win stupid prizes.

Everyone saying quitting a job isn't easy and causes stress, so does divorce and breaking apart a family. If the WS had an affair with a co-worker I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask they find another position somewhere else. The BS really gets to determine where they fall on the scale of need to make reconciliation work. Many, if not most, won't reconcile at all so my thinking is if your spouse is going to forgive or try and forgive you the worse betrayal then they get to call the shots on what they need.

Wolf1974 is offline  
post #71 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 11:36 AM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 517
Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConanHub View Post
You have an alternate point of view that is valid.

People can have different priorities. I suppose determining the priorities of a BS concerning finances is a good item to determine when offering reconciliation advice.

NC really is a must for the majority of marriages to recover however some folks apparently don't require it.
The problem with this is a BS may very well WANT to believe that the WS can handle contact because they're remorseful and actively working on R (MC, etc.)....and likely wants to keep the family's financial security as much as the WS. Especially if they have children. And if those kids are settled in school, a BS may want to "skip" the challenges of relocating.

But ONE text or brush next to an Affair partner can rekindle the entire thing. It has in many instances, which is why a BS needs to insist on NC, even if it means changing jobs and relocating to a different area.

This step can be just as painful and breed resentment in the BS as it does a WS who wants to keep their job. But it must be done if the marriage is going to recover.
Jessica38 is offline  
post #72 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 02:22 PM
Member
 
ConanHub's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Abroad. Currently Arizona.
Posts: 7,575
Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
The problem with this is a BS may very well WANT to believe that the WS can handle contact because they're remorseful and actively working on R (MC, etc.)....and likely wants to keep the family's financial security as much as the WS. Especially if they have children. And if those kids are settled in school, a BS may want to "skip" the challenges of relocating.

But ONE text or brush next to an Affair partner can rekindle the entire thing. It has in many instances, which is why a BS needs to insist on NC, even if it means changing jobs and relocating to a different area.

This step can be just as painful and breed resentment in the BS as it does a WS who wants to keep their job. But it must be done if the marriage is going to recover.
I'm extremely territorial and I would have to have NC regardless of the cost but I try to empathize with different points of view.

I believe in NC to reestablish trust and commitment.

A WS might never again stray and be revolted by their previous infidelity so much as to not ever be tempted again but putting the BS through any uncertainty isn't healthy for a damaged marriage at all.

I agree most stringently with you but am willing to consider other points of view.
ConanHub is online now  
post #73 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 02:29 PM
Member
 
Married but Happy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 4,451
Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

I also don't think "saving" the marriage or reconciliation is a good idea - except in very rare cases. So whatever I'd decide would be based purely on pragmatic considerations that presume a divorce is in the works.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
Married but Happy is online now  
post #74 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 03:31 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 517
Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConanHub View Post
I'm extremely territorial and I would have to have NC regardless of the cost but I try to empathize with different points of view.

I believe in NC to reestablish trust and commitment.

A WS might never again stray and be revolted by their previous infidelity so much as to not ever be tempted again but putting the BS through any uncertainty isn't healthy for a damaged marriage at all.

I agree most stringently with you but am willing to consider other points of view.
I understand. I just wanted to point out that sometimes the BS may have a hard time and feel resentment too at the possibility of having to uproot and/or suffer financial stress due to the WS affair. A BS may be just as opposed to the WS quitting their job.
Jessica38 is offline  
post #75 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 09:01 AM
Member
 
Ursula's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 231
Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

And I couldn't agree more! No, we haven't cheated on each other that I know of, but we've talked about open marriages, and I've told H that he was welcome to go find it elsewhere if he wanted to, so no, I wouldn't make him quit his job; that's his livelihood, and my job is my livelihood.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hope1964 View Post
Have either you or your husband ever cheated on the other? If not, you really have no idea what either of you would do. And if it happened that you cheated with this guy you find attractive and your husband told you it was your job or him, and you still wouldn't quit, then you'd deserve to be D'd.
Ursula is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Problems with fantasizing about other people? badsanta Sex in Marriage 38 12-22-2016 02:39 PM
Dear Chump Lady, I lost the moral high ground when I told people my wife was cheating Truthseeker1 Coping with Infidelity 55 09-25-2016 10:37 AM
Befriending people with a dark side reesespieces The Ladies' Lounge 17 07-13-2016 12:32 AM
I'm a deadbeat dad who wants to suicide before he's old enough to see who I am Minnion Life After Divorce 74 12-13-2015 11:57 PM
How many people here believe in "Unconditional Love"... what does that mean to you? SimplyAmorous General Relationship Discussion 106 10-26-2011 08:21 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome