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post #76 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 10:34 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

livelihood, shmivelihood.
what is more important -marriage or career? Because really, we all could (mostly) earn a living working anywhere.

I had an affair with a co-worker. He quit 6 weeks later - or my husband ran him out of town or something. Thank god because I couldn't stand seeing him and it aggravated husband to no end. I could have GLADLY quit - I OFFERED to quit. But it worked out that he did.

Husband had affairs with two women in the business world in this town. One, I think, works elsewhere. The other works 100 yards away from hubby. He's supposed to tell me if he sees her. I guess he hasn't OR, he's afraid to tell me. If he's lying I feel sorry for him that he must lie to stay married but that's his deal. If I find out he's been lying I'm done. I don't like (in fact I HATE) that one of them lives here.

Speaking of Harley - I emailed him and my question about living here was read on his radio show (they sent me a book too!). Harley said to move, that the triggers are not something I should have to deal with. When hubby said that talking about the affairs emptied his love bank I said really? Do you really want to do everything Harley says in His Needs Her Needs? Because if that's the case then we should move, according to Harley. That shut him up.

It's only by the Grace of God, my benevolent Mercy, his big **** and the money he makes that keep me here. Oh, and the family and love thing too. But if he actually worked with her? Done. Or multiple choice A)me. B)your stupid career. Your choice honey..

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post #77 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 12:12 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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Originally Posted by Ursula View Post
And I couldn't agree more! No, we haven't cheated on each other that I know of, but we've talked about open marriages, and I've told H that he was welcome to go find it elsewhere if he wanted to, so no, I wouldn't make him quit his job; that's his livelihood, and my job is my livelihood.
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Yes, I know this, and yes, even though I'm pretty unhappy in my marriage, I haven't cheated on H. I don't think there's anything wrong with finding other people attractive, and I'm sure H has done this as well. But no, if H worked with a woman he had a fling with, I think I would be OK with that, as long as he was using protection. I've suggested that we could both go outside of our marriage to find satisfaction in this area, but he wouldn't hear of it.
So why are you even on this thread??? Your contributions to the topic at hand are totally irrelevant if this is all true.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #78 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 01:01 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

** Exiting stage left **

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So why are you even on this thread??? Your contributions to the topic at hand are totally irrelevant if this is all true.
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post #79 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 02:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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Point of that is... the Wayward knew they were doing something they know is WRONG... so they are going to have to suffer some consequences. They know that getting busted at work will be a problem.
Yes, but if those consequences are the need to quit their job and possibly be out of work for some period of time looking for a new job, won't you both be suffering the consequences? Between the temporary lose of income, the stress from that, and just the stress from looking for a job to begin with, you end up putting a lot more stress on an already stressful and tense situation.

The wayward never thinks of this so they don't care about it until they get caught and are forced to do it. And now you're stuck supporting a wayward spouse, wondering what that spouse is really doing all day while you're off at work, it just completely compounds the problem but doesn't necessarily end the affair or punish them for what they've done. I think if the wayward truly is remorseful and really does want to fix things, the true test of that is to leave them at their same job, make them see the other person everyday as a reminder of what they did. If they can do that and not go back to the affair then you know things may be able to work out, and if they can't do it and go back to the affair, then at least you find out rather quickly that they could never be trusted again and things just weren't meant to be.
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post #80 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 04:31 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

@Hope1964, you know, I was thinking about this the other night, and my thoughts on this thread are in fact relevant. Just because you don't agree with them doesn't mean they should be discounted. So, I'm taking back my former "exiting stage left" post because you're just not playing fair.

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So why are you even on this thread??? Your contributions to the topic at hand are totally irrelevant if this is all true.
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post #81 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 04:51 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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@Hope1964, you know, I was thinking about this the other night, and my thoughts on this thread are in fact relevant. Just because you don't agree with them doesn't mean they should be discounted. So, I'm taking back my former "exiting stage left" post because you're just not playing fair.
I am flattered that you were thinking about me the other night and felt the need to post back here today

What I don't agree with is people who've never been cheated on trying to tell people who have how they should feel and act. Have you been cheated on? My question still stands - how is your input relevant, since you posted that you and your husband basically have the OK from each other to sleep with coworkers? That's like saying that my input is relevant to a couple struggling with the death of a child, because some day I might have a child of my own.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #82 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 03:07 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

I never knew how painful infidelity could be... until it happened. So much of what you consider "your world" is torn down and set on fire by the cheater.
Having our son in an ICU unit was a painful scary moment for the two of us. Sure we had friends and family concerned that we may lose our child - but they didn't understand us - but things worked out fine in the end. In comparison, the affair has left a much larger emotional foot print on us as a couple... far more painful - in a different way. Of course I'd rather have a breakup/affair situation over the loss of a child. I don't know what its like to loose a kid and I never want to know.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #83 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 03:16 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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Yes, but if those consequences are the need to quit their job and possibly be out of work for some period of time looking for a new job, won't you both be suffering the consequences? Between the temporary lose of income, the stress from that, and just the stress from looking for a job to begin with, you end up putting a lot more stress on an already stressful and tense situation.

The wayward never thinks of this so they don't care about it until they get caught and are forced to do it. And now you're stuck supporting a wayward spouse, wondering what that spouse is really doing all day while you're off at work, it just completely compounds the problem but doesn't necessarily end the affair or punish them for what they've done. I think if the wayward truly is remorseful and really does want to fix things, the true test of that is to leave them at their same job, make them see the other person everyday as a reminder of what they did. If they can do that and not go back to the affair then you know things may be able to work out, and if they can't do it and go back to the affair, then at least you find out rather quickly that they could never be trusted again and things just weren't meant to be.
Its fine that the WS continues to work with their AP... if the result is going to D anyway. If going for R, then it changes things. R doesn't start as long as the BS and AP are able to easily interact with each other. Unless you can get the BS to wear a go-pro camera all the time. Even with the failed attempt at R, my WW quite her job - like the very next day.

Letting the WS continue to work with their AP to "prove themselves" is silly and a setup for failure. The whole thing about the affair is that they have a chemical addiction to each other. It doesn't take much for the affair to rekindle.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #84 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 08:49 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

I've never been cheated on that I know of, but I also wasn't trying to tell people how they should act and feel. If that's how it was interpreted, I apologize, as that wasn't the way I meant it. H and I don't have permission to sleep with just coworkers, I've mentioned having an open marriage, which encompasses the general public, not just a certain group of people. And, even though I've never been through infidelity, that doesn't mean that I don't have thoughts on it, and that I'm not allowed to voice those thoughts. Anyone is able to form thoughts on any given subject, and they have the right to voice those thoughts.

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I am flattered that you were thinking about me the other night and felt the need to post back here today

What I don't agree with is people who've never been cheated on trying to tell people who have how they should feel and act. Have you been cheated on? My question still stands - how is your input relevant, since you posted that you and your husband basically have the OK from each other to sleep with coworkers? That's like saying that my input is relevant to a couple struggling with the death of a child, because some day I might have a child of my own.
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post #85 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 08:54 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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I've never been cheated on that I know of, but I also wasn't trying to tell people how they should act and feel. If that's how it was interpreted, I apologize, as that wasn't the way I meant it. H and I don't have permission to sleep with just coworkers, I've mentioned having an open marriage, which encompasses the general public, not just a certain group of people. And, even though I've never been through infidelity, that doesn't mean that I don't have thoughts on it, and that I'm not allowed to voice those thoughts. Anyone is able to form thoughts on any given subject, and they have the right to voice those thoughts.
Of course they are. You still haven't answered my question about relevancy, though.

People simply 'voicing their opinions' about what should happen after infidelity, when they haven't experienced it themselves, can confuse BS's who are looking for a way to get through the most painful thing they've ever experienced. At best. At worst, it can result in them taking really really bad advice. Like not making the WS quit their job a dealbreaker when they cheated with a coworker.

You're not the only one who does that here, unfortunately.


People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #86 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 09:07 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

When people give advice or share thoughts on a public forum, the OP can take whatever they find helpful out of that advice/those thoughts. The rest is moot. If OP garnered something useful out of what I typed, that's great; if not, they can choose to move on from anything I said and onto something that helps them more. That's where relevancy comes into play. And just because you find something silly or not helpful, doesn't mean that everyone else will. Not all of my advice is stellar, no, but neither is yours.

By the way, is there a post that I can visit that will tell me what all these acronyms mean? To me BS means bull****ter, and WS means working spouse.

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Of course they are. You still haven't answered my question about relevancy, though.

People simply 'voicing their opinions' about what should happen after infidelity, when they haven't experienced it themselves, can confuse BS's who are looking for a way to get through the most painful thing they've ever experienced. At best. At worst, it can result in them taking really really bad advice. Like not making the WS quit their job a dealbreaker when they cheated with a coworker.

You're not the only one who does that here, unfortunately.
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post #87 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 09:45 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

This thread is great! It's "inconvenient" to leave a job after bumping uglies with a coworker. I'd never ask a cheating spouse to quit their job. They can "inconvenience" themselves right out of the house and watch for their divorce papers when they arrive at the office.

They can keep their bloody job.

I've been through quite a few relationships before I met the love of my life. I'm a "leave no stone unturned" kind of girl. I got to know my boyfriends really well, before I committed to a relationship, sex, etc. If I even caught a whiff that someone I was dating cheated on anyone in the past, it was "Nice knowing you. You know where the door is". I don't need that character issue in my life, even if they've "changed", or "learned their lesson". Someone else can test out that theory. There were plenty of hot, educated, honest men out there who turned me on.

So the idea of someone having to leave their job because they're horny, attention-seeking, leg-humpers who can't establish boundaries won't ever be an issue.
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post #88 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 09:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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Its fine that the WS continues to work with their AP... if the result is going to D anyway. If going for R, then it changes things. R doesn't start as long as the BS and AP are able to easily interact with each other. Unless you can get the BS to wear a go-pro camera all the time. Even with the failed attempt at R, my WW quite her job - like the very next day.

Letting the WS continue to work with their AP to "prove themselves" is silly and a setup for failure. The whole thing about the affair is that they have a chemical addiction to each other. It doesn't take much for the affair to rekindle.
It's not a "setup for failure", it is the true test of if the WS can and wants to reconcile. If the WS truly is remorseful and truly wants to reconcile, it shouldn't matter if they're still around the other person. Would you rather the person quit their job to get away from the other person in order to not see them, work on getting over the affair while still thinking about if they truly want to fix their marriage, and then randomly run into the other person months later? What happens then when after months of not seeing them, most likely still thinking about them and missing them, and then seeing them again? Every thought about them will come rushing back all at once, instead of having to see the other person everyday, not speaking to them and letting the feelings die off over time.

Yes I do agree with no contact, except in a work or social environment. All complete no contact will do is repress the feelings, and if there is a random run in, those feelings can just explode again.
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post #89 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 09:48 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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When people give advice or share thoughts on a public forum, the OP can take whatever they find helpful out of that advice/those thoughts. The rest is moot. If OP garnered something useful out of what I typed, that's great; if not, they can choose to move on from anything I said and onto something that helps them more. That's where relevancy comes into play. And just because you find something silly or not helpful, doesn't mean that everyone else will. Not all of my advice is stellar, no, but neither is yours.

By the way, is there a post that I can visit that will tell me what all these acronyms mean? To me BS means bull****ter, and WS means working spouse.
What you don't realize, because you've never been cheated on, is that BS's are EXTREMELY vulnerable when they've just found out they've been cheated on. You also don't realize that pretty much everything that people instinctively want to do when they find out they've been cheated on will not get them the result they really want.

So not only is telling people what you would do irrelevant because you have no idea what you'd do, but it can also lead BS's down the wrong road with disastrous results for them. Sure the OP can take away what they want - that's exactly why I make it a point to call people out who really have no business posting on BS's threads.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #90 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 09:50 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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It's not a "setup for failure", it is the true test of if the WS can and wants to reconcile. If the WS truly is remorseful and truly wants to reconcile, it shouldn't matter if they're still around the other person. Would you rather the person quit their job to get away from the other person in order to not see them, work on getting over the affair while still thinking about if they truly want to fix their marriage, and then randomly run into the other person months later? What happens then when after months of not seeing them, most likely still thinking about them and missing them, and then seeing them again? Every thought about them will come rushing back all at once, instead of having to see the other person everyday, not speaking to them and letting the feelings die off over time.

Yes I do agree with no contact, except in a work or social environment. All complete no contact will do is repress the feelings, and if there is a random run in, those feelings can just explode again.
I think you need to look at the affair as an addiction and the "fix" needs to be squashed right away.
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