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post #76 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 09:21 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Hey @manfromlamancha, I guess I did give a good case study, didn't I?!

Yes, I have finally found a job that I'm actually excited to go to in the mornings, and that makes all the difference. It's really hard to have a job you hate, and I've ended up taking more sick days than I should simply because I don't want to be there. This job isn't like that. It keeps me mentally stimulated, and the office dogs also help a lot (belly rub breaks are the best kind of breaks). My officemate is a quiet man, and a wealth of information; I've learned a lot from him in regards to our field. The work is interesting; it's within my field, but different tasks than I've done before. My boss is one of the best I've ever had, and I never said that he was attractive; he's old enough to be my Father.

That being said, my marriage is almost 4 years in, and it honestly is a marriage that shouldn't have happened in the first place. I'm not sure if you know my history, but let me give you a quick rundown: we dated for 3 months, engaged for 10 months, and married for about 3.5 years. We can't communicate with each other, and it's been slowly breaking down since it started. We didn't know each other when we got married, and we still don't know each other because we spend very little time together. We eat supper while watching TV together every evening, and this past Friday was our first date night since early December, and he spent a chunk of it on the phone with his sibling. Also, we don't have children, and that's a major part of the problem; I want a family, but refuse to have one with someone who is seldom available.

So, my marriage is on a downhill slope, and I'm not sure if things are going to work out. We were going through a book together, but fell off the rails with that, and since we've been trying and not succeeding to change things since year #1, I've got 1 foot out the door. So yes, at this point, my job is the 1 bright spot in life right now, and it is more important to me than a marriage that I'm merely ho-hum about. Hell, I've given my H permission to cheat. I figured that since I'm not able to teach him anything in the bedroom, maybe someone else can. He's been in an open (non-sexual) relationship before with his best friend and that guy's girlfriend (now wife). I thought he might be up for it again. He's not, so we're both stuck between a rock and a hard place. And no, if H ended up hooking up with someone at his office, I would probably slap him on the back and say, "good for you!". So yes, I know myself, and I know what I would do in a situation like that.


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Originally Posted by manfromlamancha View Post
So OP, the above poster gives a good example here. Her job is clearly more important than the marriage without her even knowing that it is. She believes that she COULDN'T give up the job because jobs are hard to find. Maybe so. But it does present a possible recipe for disaster.

She loves the small team she works with - her office partner is attractive to her. She praises them to her hubby. I guess this happens. They both are nice people. She sees them at work and they are nice because they all have to work together. None of them leave their mess lying around the house to clean up, or fail to put out the garbage, or have to deal with sick children - they are nice! And attractive!

Now possibly already suspicious hubby and her go through one bad patch. (Probably have had more than one - normal in marriages). If the "attractive" one of these nice people is a predator and finds that the poster is attractive to him, this marriage is toast. He will say nice things to her and bad things about her husband, she will agree, she is already attracted to him, and all this becomes very exciting. She even thinks of leaving hubby for attractive office partner. Again all of these things do happen.

Its what happens next that is important. She gets discovered and is asked to leave the job by hubby because in order to repair the marriage, she needs to be away from the predator. But no! She cannot "afford" to leave the job because after all, jobs are hard to find, this pays well, she didn't actually sleep with the guy (maybe just a kiss although she was thinking of leaving hubby anyway) - so no! She will not leave her job. How do you think the marriage is going to end up. Hubby either divorces her immediately or lives in pain and with a lot of resentment for her. She thinks less of her hubby and eventually also wants to divorce him. In any case the financial situation is not going to be good - its going to be worse than it was before. Two homes, split household, divorce expenses etc.

Now if she had left her job, she would only do so if she valued her marriage and family above everything else and really was in love with and wanted to be with her husband. This would give them both a chance to fix an EA. And find a way to manage financially. So all about choices.


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post #77 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 09:24 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

@TaDor, see my reply to manfromlamancha; it pretty much outlines the answers to your questions!


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What if your husband cheated with a co-worker (male or female) - and so you can both support your household - he continues to work with his AP 8+ hours a day, going out of town on biz trips, spending lunches together - in the park, in the car by the park, in the back seat of the car by the park?

But he says "I won't talk to the AP anymore, trust me" - you'll take him at his word?
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post #78 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 09:43 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Yes, I know this, and yes, even though I'm pretty unhappy in my marriage, I haven't cheated on H. I don't think there's anything wrong with finding other people attractive, and I'm sure H has done this as well. But no, if H worked with a woman he had a fling with, I think I would be OK with that, as long as he was using protection. I've suggested that we could both go outside of our marriage to find satisfaction in this area, but he wouldn't hear of it.


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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
There is a big difference here. IF is stated in the bolded above. Why should an innocent spouse [you] have to leave their job?

Ursula, IF your lips, boobs and nether regions remain pure; no man [after marriage] has enjoyed these treasures other than your dear husband, and you did not banter lust or romance a man at work, you would have no need or reason to leave your job. You know this. This is common sense.

If your husband was jealous for no real reason, then that is a horse of a different color.

Your color would not Sorrel be, nor Gruilo, but Albino, sic., snow.

The cheaters are the ones who need to quit their jobs. Or better, the POSOM or POSOW.

And IF, dear Ursula, your husband cheated with a co-worker and she still worked with him after D-Day and during the "R" attempt, I am sure you would want him to exit his job...stage left.
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post #79 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 10:34 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

livelihood, shmivelihood.
what is more important -marriage or career? Because really, we all could (mostly) earn a living working anywhere.

I had an affair with a co-worker. He quit 6 weeks later - or my husband ran him out of town or something. Thank god because I couldn't stand seeing him and it aggravated husband to no end. I could have GLADLY quit - I OFFERED to quit. But it worked out that he did.

Husband had affairs with two women in the business world in this town. One, I think, works elsewhere. The other works 100 yards away from hubby. He's supposed to tell me if he sees her. I guess he hasn't OR, he's afraid to tell me. If he's lying I feel sorry for him that he must lie to stay married but that's his deal. If I find out he's been lying I'm done. I don't like (in fact I HATE) that one of them lives here.

Speaking of Harley - I emailed him and my question about living here was read on his radio show (they sent me a book too!). Harley said to move, that the triggers are not something I should have to deal with. When hubby said that talking about the affairs emptied his love bank I said really? Do you really want to do everything Harley says in His Needs Her Needs? Because if that's the case then we should move, according to Harley. That shut him up.

It's only by the Grace of God, my benevolent Mercy, his big **** and the money he makes that keep me here. Oh, and the family and love thing too. But if he actually worked with her? Done. Or multiple choice A)me. B)your stupid career. Your choice honey..
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post #80 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 12:12 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ursula View Post
And I couldn't agree more! No, we haven't cheated on each other that I know of, but we've talked about open marriages, and I've told H that he was welcome to go find it elsewhere if he wanted to, so no, I wouldn't make him quit his job; that's his livelihood, and my job is my livelihood.
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Originally Posted by Ursula View Post
Yes, I know this, and yes, even though I'm pretty unhappy in my marriage, I haven't cheated on H. I don't think there's anything wrong with finding other people attractive, and I'm sure H has done this as well. But no, if H worked with a woman he had a fling with, I think I would be OK with that, as long as he was using protection. I've suggested that we could both go outside of our marriage to find satisfaction in this area, but he wouldn't hear of it.
So why are you even on this thread??? Your contributions to the topic at hand are totally irrelevant if this is all true.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #81 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 01:01 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

** Exiting stage left **

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So why are you even on this thread??? Your contributions to the topic at hand are totally irrelevant if this is all true.
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post #82 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 02:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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Point of that is... the Wayward knew they were doing something they know is WRONG... so they are going to have to suffer some consequences. They know that getting busted at work will be a problem.
Yes, but if those consequences are the need to quit their job and possibly be out of work for some period of time looking for a new job, won't you both be suffering the consequences? Between the temporary lose of income, the stress from that, and just the stress from looking for a job to begin with, you end up putting a lot more stress on an already stressful and tense situation.

The wayward never thinks of this so they don't care about it until they get caught and are forced to do it. And now you're stuck supporting a wayward spouse, wondering what that spouse is really doing all day while you're off at work, it just completely compounds the problem but doesn't necessarily end the affair or punish them for what they've done. I think if the wayward truly is remorseful and really does want to fix things, the true test of that is to leave them at their same job, make them see the other person everyday as a reminder of what they did. If they can do that and not go back to the affair then you know things may be able to work out, and if they can't do it and go back to the affair, then at least you find out rather quickly that they could never be trusted again and things just weren't meant to be.
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post #83 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 04:31 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

@Hope1964, you know, I was thinking about this the other night, and my thoughts on this thread are in fact relevant. Just because you don't agree with them doesn't mean they should be discounted. So, I'm taking back my former "exiting stage left" post because you're just not playing fair.

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So why are you even on this thread??? Your contributions to the topic at hand are totally irrelevant if this is all true.
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post #84 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 04:51 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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@Hope1964, you know, I was thinking about this the other night, and my thoughts on this thread are in fact relevant. Just because you don't agree with them doesn't mean they should be discounted. So, I'm taking back my former "exiting stage left" post because you're just not playing fair.
I am flattered that you were thinking about me the other night and felt the need to post back here today

What I don't agree with is people who've never been cheated on trying to tell people who have how they should feel and act. Have you been cheated on? My question still stands - how is your input relevant, since you posted that you and your husband basically have the OK from each other to sleep with coworkers? That's like saying that my input is relevant to a couple struggling with the death of a child, because some day I might have a child of my own.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #85 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 03:07 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

I never knew how painful infidelity could be... until it happened. So much of what you consider "your world" is torn down and set on fire by the cheater.
Having our son in an ICU unit was a painful scary moment for the two of us. Sure we had friends and family concerned that we may lose our child - but they didn't understand us - but things worked out fine in the end. In comparison, the affair has left a much larger emotional foot print on us as a couple... far more painful - in a different way. Of course I'd rather have a breakup/affair situation over the loss of a child. I don't know what its like to loose a kid and I never want to know.


Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #86 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 03:16 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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Yes, but if those consequences are the need to quit their job and possibly be out of work for some period of time looking for a new job, won't you both be suffering the consequences? Between the temporary lose of income, the stress from that, and just the stress from looking for a job to begin with, you end up putting a lot more stress on an already stressful and tense situation.

The wayward never thinks of this so they don't care about it until they get caught and are forced to do it. And now you're stuck supporting a wayward spouse, wondering what that spouse is really doing all day while you're off at work, it just completely compounds the problem but doesn't necessarily end the affair or punish them for what they've done. I think if the wayward truly is remorseful and really does want to fix things, the true test of that is to leave them at their same job, make them see the other person everyday as a reminder of what they did. If they can do that and not go back to the affair then you know things may be able to work out, and if they can't do it and go back to the affair, then at least you find out rather quickly that they could never be trusted again and things just weren't meant to be.
Its fine that the WS continues to work with their AP... if the result is going to D anyway. If going for R, then it changes things. R doesn't start as long as the BS and AP are able to easily interact with each other. Unless you can get the BS to wear a go-pro camera all the time. Even with the failed attempt at R, my WW quite her job - like the very next day.

Letting the WS continue to work with their AP to "prove themselves" is silly and a setup for failure. The whole thing about the affair is that they have a chemical addiction to each other. It doesn't take much for the affair to rekindle.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #87 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 08:49 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

I've never been cheated on that I know of, but I also wasn't trying to tell people how they should act and feel. If that's how it was interpreted, I apologize, as that wasn't the way I meant it. H and I don't have permission to sleep with just coworkers, I've mentioned having an open marriage, which encompasses the general public, not just a certain group of people. And, even though I've never been through infidelity, that doesn't mean that I don't have thoughts on it, and that I'm not allowed to voice those thoughts. Anyone is able to form thoughts on any given subject, and they have the right to voice those thoughts.

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I am flattered that you were thinking about me the other night and felt the need to post back here today

What I don't agree with is people who've never been cheated on trying to tell people who have how they should feel and act. Have you been cheated on? My question still stands - how is your input relevant, since you posted that you and your husband basically have the OK from each other to sleep with coworkers? That's like saying that my input is relevant to a couple struggling with the death of a child, because some day I might have a child of my own.
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post #88 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 08:54 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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I've never been cheated on that I know of, but I also wasn't trying to tell people how they should act and feel. If that's how it was interpreted, I apologize, as that wasn't the way I meant it. H and I don't have permission to sleep with just coworkers, I've mentioned having an open marriage, which encompasses the general public, not just a certain group of people. And, even though I've never been through infidelity, that doesn't mean that I don't have thoughts on it, and that I'm not allowed to voice those thoughts. Anyone is able to form thoughts on any given subject, and they have the right to voice those thoughts.
Of course they are. You still haven't answered my question about relevancy, though.

People simply 'voicing their opinions' about what should happen after infidelity, when they haven't experienced it themselves, can confuse BS's who are looking for a way to get through the most painful thing they've ever experienced. At best. At worst, it can result in them taking really really bad advice. Like not making the WS quit their job a dealbreaker when they cheated with a coworker.

You're not the only one who does that here, unfortunately.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #89 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 09:07 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

When people give advice or share thoughts on a public forum, the OP can take whatever they find helpful out of that advice/those thoughts. The rest is moot. If OP garnered something useful out of what I typed, that's great; if not, they can choose to move on from anything I said and onto something that helps them more. That's where relevancy comes into play. And just because you find something silly or not helpful, doesn't mean that everyone else will. Not all of my advice is stellar, no, but neither is yours.

By the way, is there a post that I can visit that will tell me what all these acronyms mean? To me BS means bull****ter, and WS means working spouse.

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Of course they are. You still haven't answered my question about relevancy, though.

People simply 'voicing their opinions' about what should happen after infidelity, when they haven't experienced it themselves, can confuse BS's who are looking for a way to get through the most painful thing they've ever experienced. At best. At worst, it can result in them taking really really bad advice. Like not making the WS quit their job a dealbreaker when they cheated with a coworker.

You're not the only one who does that here, unfortunately.
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post #90 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 09:45 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

This thread is great! It's "inconvenient" to leave a job after bumping uglies with a coworker. I'd never ask a cheating spouse to quit their job. They can "inconvenience" themselves right out of the house and watch for their divorce papers when they arrive at the office.

They can keep their bloody job.

I've been through quite a few relationships before I met the love of my life. I'm a "leave no stone unturned" kind of girl. I got to know my boyfriends really well, before I committed to a relationship, sex, etc. If I even caught a whiff that someone I was dating cheated on anyone in the past, it was "Nice knowing you. You know where the door is". I don't need that character issue in my life, even if they've "changed", or "learned their lesson". Someone else can test out that theory. There were plenty of hot, educated, honest men out there who turned me on.

So the idea of someone having to leave their job because they're horny, attention-seeking, leg-humpers who can't establish boundaries won't ever be an issue.
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