Telling People To Quit Their Jobs - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

User Tag List

 205Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #91 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 09:48 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 218
Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Quote:
Originally Posted by TaDor View Post
Its fine that the WS continues to work with their AP... if the result is going to D anyway. If going for R, then it changes things. R doesn't start as long as the BS and AP are able to easily interact with each other. Unless you can get the BS to wear a go-pro camera all the time. Even with the failed attempt at R, my WW quite her job - like the very next day.

Letting the WS continue to work with their AP to "prove themselves" is silly and a setup for failure. The whole thing about the affair is that they have a chemical addiction to each other. It doesn't take much for the affair to rekindle.
It's not a "setup for failure", it is the true test of if the WS can and wants to reconcile. If the WS truly is remorseful and truly wants to reconcile, it shouldn't matter if they're still around the other person. Would you rather the person quit their job to get away from the other person in order to not see them, work on getting over the affair while still thinking about if they truly want to fix their marriage, and then randomly run into the other person months later? What happens then when after months of not seeing them, most likely still thinking about them and missing them, and then seeing them again? Every thought about them will come rushing back all at once, instead of having to see the other person everyday, not speaking to them and letting the feelings die off over time.

Yes I do agree with no contact, except in a work or social environment. All complete no contact will do is repress the feelings, and if there is a random run in, those feelings can just explode again.

AtMyEnd is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #92 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 09:48 AM
Member
 
Hope1964's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Alberta
Posts: 8,650
Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ursula View Post
When people give advice or share thoughts on a public forum, the OP can take whatever they find helpful out of that advice/those thoughts. The rest is moot. If OP garnered something useful out of what I typed, that's great; if not, they can choose to move on from anything I said and onto something that helps them more. That's where relevancy comes into play. And just because you find something silly or not helpful, doesn't mean that everyone else will. Not all of my advice is stellar, no, but neither is yours.

By the way, is there a post that I can visit that will tell me what all these acronyms mean? To me BS means bull****ter, and WS means working spouse.
What you don't realize, because you've never been cheated on, is that BS's are EXTREMELY vulnerable when they've just found out they've been cheated on. You also don't realize that pretty much everything that people instinctively want to do when they find out they've been cheated on will not get them the result they really want.

So not only is telling people what you would do irrelevant because you have no idea what you'd do, but it can also lead BS's down the wrong road with disastrous results for them. Sure the OP can take away what they want - that's exactly why I make it a point to call people out who really have no business posting on BS's threads.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
Hope1964 is offline  
post #93 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 09:50 AM
Member
 
katies's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 338
Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Quote:
Originally Posted by AtMyEnd View Post
It's not a "setup for failure", it is the true test of if the WS can and wants to reconcile. If the WS truly is remorseful and truly wants to reconcile, it shouldn't matter if they're still around the other person. Would you rather the person quit their job to get away from the other person in order to not see them, work on getting over the affair while still thinking about if they truly want to fix their marriage, and then randomly run into the other person months later? What happens then when after months of not seeing them, most likely still thinking about them and missing them, and then seeing them again? Every thought about them will come rushing back all at once, instead of having to see the other person everyday, not speaking to them and letting the feelings die off over time.

Yes I do agree with no contact, except in a work or social environment. All complete no contact will do is repress the feelings, and if there is a random run in, those feelings can just explode again.
I think you need to look at the affair as an addiction and the "fix" needs to be squashed right away.
katies is online now  
 
post #94 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 09:51 AM
Member
 
Hope1964's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Alberta
Posts: 8,650
Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Quote:
Originally Posted by AtMyEnd View Post
It's not a "setup for failure", it is the true test of if the WS can and wants to reconcile. If the WS truly is remorseful and truly wants to reconcile, it shouldn't matter if they're still around the other person.
Sorry if you already answered this, but have you been cheated on?

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
Hope1964 is offline  
post #95 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 10:20 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 218
Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hope1964 View Post
Sorry if you already answered this, but have you been cheated on?
Not with a physical affair, that I know of. I had caught my wife texting all day everyday with another attorney that she didn't work with but was part of the same attorney circle, let's call it, as her. Yes I told her that if I found out she had any communication via text, phone or email that it was a deal breaker but I never told her that she wasn't allowed to be around him in a social setting. Not that I didn't want her to not feel awkward about the situation, but it would've been awkward and raised a lot of questions within her work circle if all of a sudden she wasn't at certain things or suddenly left any time he showed up.

Since all that happened, I know for sure that she has not been in contact with him, or has really seen him much, but she has told me that she's been places and he was there as well. Some things are unavoidable and could raise questions possibly hurt a career if they got out. Which is my point that as much as a marriage is and should be more important then a job, any kind of situation that could damage a persons reputation and end up hurting their career could potentially have longer lasting repercussions that could ultimately do more damage to the marriage than an affair.
AtMyEnd is offline  
post #96 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 10:26 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 218
Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Quote:
Originally Posted by katies View Post
I think you need to look at the affair as an addiction and the "fix" needs to be squashed right away.
But is no contact and isolation from the affair partner really a "fix". Yes the affair and everything about it needs to be squashed as soon as possible, but is a complete cut off the right way to do it? Look at any other addiction, yes a person quits cold turkey, goes through withdrawals and everything else associated with it, but what happens the first time that person is exposed to their former addiction again? The want for it comes right back, and some times stronger than it was before they quit. If the person is mentally ready to be around the addiction it's one thing, but if they're not, they could jump right back to it and in a worse way than before.

It's actually better for an addict to continue to be exposed to their former addiction in small doses, continually reminding themselves what could happen if they go back to it.
AtMyEnd is offline  
post #97 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 10:36 AM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 531
Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Quote:
Originally Posted by AtMyEnd View Post
But is no contact and isolation from the affair partner really a "fix". Yes the affair and everything about it needs to be squashed as soon as possible, but is a complete cut off the right way to do it? Look at any other addiction, yes a person quits cold turkey, goes through withdrawals and everything else associated with it, but what happens the first time that person is exposed to their former addiction again? The want for it comes right back, and some times stronger than it was before they quit. If the person is mentally ready to be around the addiction it's one thing, but if they're not, they could jump right back to it and in a worse way than before.

It's actually better for an addict to continue to be exposed to their former addiction in small doses, continually reminding themselves what could happen if they go back to it.
Yes, affair partners are typically like a drug for the WS, who was unable to resist previously and will likely be unable to resist again. I've heard of instances where one look can rekindle the entire thing, only to be taken further underground. Most decent people do not go looking for an Affair- it happens in familiar proximity when chemicals are released (and the spouse has poor or no boundaries). This is why Affair partners are usually a step down from the WS's wife or husband. It isn't planned. This is also why many marital coaches like Dr. Harley of Marriage Builders have come to the conclusion that opposite sex friends are a risk in marriage. Even if the spouse has NO intention of ever having an affair, when neurochemicals like Oxytocin, dopamine, and others that signal lust, attraction, and attachment, it can be very difficult to resist. Putting a spouse who has already shown to release those chemicals around their AP in physical space near that AP is risking the marriage.
Jessica38 is offline  
post #98 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 10:38 AM
Member
 
Hope1964's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Alberta
Posts: 8,650
Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

I look at their willingness to quit their job as a barometer for how much they really mean it when they say they want to R. Same with polygraphs, getting rid of things like a car they had affair sex in, that type of thing. There are many things that a WS can and should be doing - should be VOLUNTEERING to do - to let the BS know they're serious, and it's up to the BS what they want to take farther I guess. If you're fine with her still working with the AP, and it isn't taking up a ton of energy for you to verify that she's behaving herself, and she IS willing to give in on everything else, then more power to you.

For you it might work. For most others that cheat with a coworker, it won't.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
Hope1964 is offline  
post #99 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 10:48 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 218
Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
Yes, affair partners are typically like a drug for the WS, who was unable to resist previously and will likely be unable to resist again. I've heard of instances where one look can rekindle the entire thing, only to be taken further underground. Most decent people do not go looking for an Affair- it happens in familiar proximity when chemicals are released (and the spouse has poor or no boundaries). This is why Affair partners are usually a step down from the WS's wife or husband. It isn't planned. This is also why many marital coaches like Dr. Harley of Marriage Builders have come to the conclusion that opposite sex friends are a risk in marriage. Even if the spouse has NO intention of ever having an affair, when neurochemicals like Oxytocin, dopamine, and others that signal lust, attraction, and attachment, it can be very difficult to resist. Putting a spouse who has already shown to release those chemicals around their AP in physical space near that AP is risking the marriage.
Right, and that's exactly my point. If you pull the addiction away from the person completely all of a sudden like that, if and when the person randomly comes in contact or is around that addiction again by chance, all those feelings can come rushing back in an instant, no matter how long they have been away from it. And unless the affair partner lives in another city or state far away, chances of them randomly bumping into them somewhere is entirely possible.
AtMyEnd is offline  
post #100 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 10:51 AM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 531
Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Quote:
Originally Posted by AtMyEnd View Post
Right, and that's exactly my point. If you pull the addiction away from the person completely all of a sudden like that, if and when the person randomly comes in contact or is around that addiction again by chance, all those feelings can come rushing back in an instant, no matter how long they have been away from it. And unless the affair partner lives in another city or state far away, chances of them randomly bumping into them somewhere is entirely possible.
This is why Dr. Harley also tells recovering spouses to relocate if the AP lives in the same town/city. In his experience, couples who do not take precautions to completely eliminate contact very often restart the affair. Removing this major obstacle gives the couple the best chance of success.

Jessica38 is offline  
post #101 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 10:54 AM
Member
 
Ursula's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 237
Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Like I said @Hope1964, people will take out of it what they will. If you don't agree with me, it's okay, really. See your post entitled "HOLY effing PC police" where many people, including me, don't agree with you. You aren't eager to change your opinion there, and it's okay. Even though we live in the same province, I don't know you, and don't need you to agree with me.

I'm not going to change my opinion for you, nor am I going to stop posting where I like. This is a public forum, and people are free to voice themselves if they feel they have something to add, or they feel they would like to post.

Telling people what I would do is irrelevant if you would like to think of it that way, yes. To me though, no, it's not irrelevant. And yes, I do know what I would do in a situation like that because I know myself quite well in fact.

And us arguing about what's right and what's wrong isn't getting us anywhere, nor is it helping the OP, so let's just agree to disagree here. Have a good day!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hope1964 View Post
What you don't realize, because you've never been cheated on, is that BS's are EXTREMELY vulnerable when they've just found out they've been cheated on. You also don't realize that pretty much everything that people instinctively want to do when they find out they've been cheated on will not get them the result they really want.

So not only is telling people what you would do irrelevant because you have no idea what you'd do, but it can also lead BS's down the wrong road with disastrous results for them. Sure the OP can take away what they want - that's exactly why I make it a point to call people out who really have no business posting on BS's threads.
Ursula is offline  
post #102 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 11:19 AM
Member
 
Hope1964's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Alberta
Posts: 8,650
Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ursula View Post
Like I said @Hope1964, people will take out of it what they will. If you don't agree with me, it's okay, really. See your post entitled "HOLY effing PC police" where many people, including me, don't agree with you. You aren't eager to change your opinion there, and it's okay. Even though we live in the same province, I don't know you, and don't need you to agree with me.

I'm not going to change my opinion for you, nor am I going to stop posting where I like. This is a public forum, and people are free to voice themselves if they feel they have something to add, or they feel they would like to post.

Telling people what I would do is irrelevant if you would like to think of it that way, yes. To me though, no, it's not irrelevant. And yes, I do know what I would do in a situation like that because I know myself quite well in fact.

And us arguing about what's right and what's wrong isn't getting us anywhere, nor is it helping the OP, so let's just agree to disagree here. Have a good day!
No one's telling you to stop posting. I asked what relevancy your comments on this thread have - you still haven't answered that.

Carry on posting whatever you like wherever you like - I have no problem with that. Expect to be called out when you post rubbish, though. Especially when you post on stuff in CWI. I'll add you to my list of people who have not been cheated on and whose posts need to be pointed out as such then.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
Hope1964 is offline  
post #103 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 11:30 AM
Member
 
stixx's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 261
Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hope1964 View Post
Expect to be called out when you post rubbish, though. Especially when you post on stuff in CWI. I'll add you to my list of people who have not been cheated on and whose posts need to be pointed out as such then.
@Hope1964 You can officially add me to your list of people who haven't been cheated on whose posts you feel the obsessive need to point out as if you're some sort of "Forum Police Officer" who thinks people who haven't been cheated on somehow dispense inferior advice.

P.S. Just because you don't agree with another person doesn't mean what they post is rubbish.

Your entire curse filled ranting thread about your husband being "unfairly" disciplined is filled with tons of your posts that are so inaccurate they belong on the garbage pile as well, and there are LOTS of posters that openly disagree with you as I have done but they don't resort to name calling as you have done.
stixx is offline  
post #104 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 11:33 AM
Member
 
Ursula's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 237
Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

I did answer that earlier this morning; see post #89 on this thread!

So, instead of wasting your time referring to your list of posters only to point out that you think their posts are rubbish, and starting arguments, why don't you just move on from them? I can't even imagine having so much time on my hands to be able to do that; that must be very nice to have so much spare time!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hope1964 View Post
No one's telling you to stop posting. I asked what relevancy your comments on this thread have - you still haven't answered that.

Carry on posting whatever you like wherever you like - I have no problem with that. Expect to be called out when you post rubbish, though. Especially when you post on stuff in CWI. I'll add you to my list of people who have not been cheated on and whose posts need to be pointed out as such then.
Ursula is offline  
post #105 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 11:34 AM
Member
 
Hope1964's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Alberta
Posts: 8,650
Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Quote:
Originally Posted by stixx View Post
@Hope1964 You can officially add me to your list of people who haven't been cheated on whose posts you feel the obsessive need to point out as if you're some sort of "Forum Police Officer" who thinks people who haven't been cheated on somehow dispense inferior advice.

P.S. Just because you don't agree with another person doesn't mean what they post is rubbish.

Your entire curse filled ranting thread about your husband being "unfairly" disciplined is filled with tons of your posts that are so inaccurate they belong on the garbage pile as well, and there are LOTS of posters that openly disagree with you as I have done but they don't resort to name calling as you have done.
If you think I've called someone a name then please report me.

I will add you to my list, thanks

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
Hope1964 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Problems with fantasizing about other people? badsanta Sex in Marriage 38 12-22-2016 02:39 PM
Dear Chump Lady, I lost the moral high ground when I told people my wife was cheating Truthseeker1 Coping with Infidelity 55 09-25-2016 10:37 AM
Befriending people with a dark side reesespieces The Ladies' Lounge 17 07-13-2016 12:32 AM
I'm a deadbeat dad who wants to suicide before he's old enough to see who I am Minnion Life After Divorce 74 12-13-2015 11:57 PM
How many people here believe in "Unconditional Love"... what does that mean to you? SimplyAmorous General Relationship Discussion 106 10-26-2011 08:21 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome