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post #106 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 11:49 AM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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how easy do you really think it is to just quit your job in an instant and move on to a new job in your field making the same money you were?
A hell of a lot easier than going through the emotional and financial burden of a divorce.


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post #107 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 12:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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This is why Dr. Harley also tells recovering spouses to relocate if the AP lives in the same town/city. In his experience, couples who do not take precautions to completely eliminate contact very often restart the affair. Removing this major obstacle gives the couple the best chance of success.
But still the underlying question is, is it worth uprooting your life, family, career and whatever else on a gamble of if the WS is going to ever cheat again or not?
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post #108 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 12:46 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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But still the underlying question is, is it worth uprooting your life, family, career and whatever else on a gamble of if the WS is going to ever cheat again or not?
I think a better question would be "If you want to save your marriage, are you willing to do what an expert recommends as what he has deemed a necessary part of recovery, based on his clinical experience helping thousands of couples recover from affairs, for the best chances of success?" Personally, I wouldn't agree to reconcile otherwise (if at all), but YMMV.

My understanding is that the marriages who are able to recover do best with a plan. Winging it and relying on our own emotions clearly doesn't work when a WS's emotions are what got the marriage into trouble in the first place.
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post #109 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 12:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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A hell of a lot easier than going through the emotional and financial burden of a divorce.
So what if the WS quits their job, is now bringing in no money while they look for a new job or brings in much less because they couldn't find an equal paying job and you still end up divorcing? Now the BS is not only stuck with have having had to support the family on their salary alone for however long, but now they'll end up being possibly stuck with an alimony payment or a larger alimony payment then they should, on top of all the other expenses that would be paid for out of the couples joint funds which the WS hadn't contributed to for however long. The BS gets screwed harder and longer in the end.
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post #110 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 12:50 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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But still the underlying question is, is it worth uprooting your life, family, career and whatever else on a gamble of if the WS is going to ever cheat again or not?
If the alternative is that the BS spends all their time worrying and triggering and snooping. I will repost this in case it got lost in all the kerfuffle:

I look at their willingness to quit their job as a barometer for how much they really mean it when they say they want to R. Same with polygraphs, getting rid of things like a car they had affair sex in, that type of thing. There are many things that a WS can and should be doing - should be VOLUNTEERING to do - to let the BS know they're serious, and it's up to the BS what they want to take farther I guess. If you're fine with her still working with the AP, and it isn't taking up a ton of energy for you to verify that she's behaving herself, and she IS willing to give in on everything else, then more power to you.

For you it might work. For most others that cheat with a coworker, it won't.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #111 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 12:52 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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So what if the WS quits their job, is now bringing in no money while they look for a new job or brings in much less because they couldn't find an equal paying job and you still end up divorcing? Now the BS is not only stuck with have having had to support the family on their salary alone for however long, but now they'll end up being possibly stuck with an alimony payment or a larger alimony payment then they should, on top of all the other expenses that would be paid for out of the couples joint funds which the WS hadn't contributed to for however long. The BS gets screwed harder and longer in the end.
Only one 'what if'. And I don't think they should just up and quit - but they SHOULD volunteer to do so, and they should start looking.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #112 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 12:56 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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So what if the WS quits their job, is now bringing in no money while they look for a new job or brings in much less because they couldn't find an equal paying job and you still end up divorcing? Now the BS is not only stuck with have having had to support the family on their salary alone for however long, but now they'll end up being possibly stuck with an alimony payment or a larger alimony payment then they should, on top of all the other expenses that would be paid for out of the couples joint funds which the WS hadn't contributed to for however long. The BS gets screwed harder and longer in the end.
Since many affairs happen with coworkers, the WS in many cases has already compromised their security in their current place of employment. By your rationale, the recovering couple shouldn't do anything to upset the AP because if they are a coworker, they could go directly to HR and cause the WS to lose their job and financially impact the family. This could happen at any moment. A BS has no room to engage in negotiations with an AP and has to do what they must to preserve their dignity and self-respect, even if that means the family must relocate, and the WS must find a new job. This is what a WS does to his/her family when they engage in an affair. It sucks for everyone involved, and it's taking a HUGE financial risk that impacts the entire family. That's why affairs are the most selfish thing a person can do to their family. In ALL cases, removing any possibility of contact with the AP offers the recovering marriage and their family the most security, though admittedly this is limited due to the affair in the first place.

Bottom line: don't have an affair. You are risking your family's financial and emotional security.
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post #113 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 01:04 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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So what if the WS quits their job, is now bringing in no money while they look for a new job or brings in much less because they couldn't find an equal paying job and you still end up divorcing? Now the BS is not only stuck with have having had to support the family on their salary alone for however long, but now they'll end up being possibly stuck with an alimony payment or a larger alimony payment then they should, on top of all the other expenses that would be paid for out of the couples joint funds which the WS hadn't contributed to for however long. The BS gets screwed harder and longer in the end.
1) I think most people when they say quit mean "start looking for another job in earnest" not "resign immediately". The end result being they separate.

2) To allow the WS to continue to maintain employment in such a toxic environment is like continuing to let an alcoholic work in a bar. How long until a relapse?

3) Personally, I'd prefer poor and a faithful spouse versus rich and her bouncing up and down on someone else's penis on a regular basis. Call me crazy.....

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post #114 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 01:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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1) I think most people when they say quit mean "start looking for another job in earnest" not "resign immediately". The end result being they separate.

2) To allow the WS to continue to maintain employment in such a toxic environment is like continuing to let an alcoholic work in a bar. How long until a relapse?

3) Personally, I'd prefer poor and a faithful spouse versus rich and her bouncing up and down on someone else's penis on a regular basis. Call me crazy.....
I don't know, I think going from well off to poor because of reconciling with a WS would create much more animosity and resentment than anything else, and lead straight to a divorce.
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post #115 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 01:52 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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I don't know, I think going from well off to poor because of reconciling with a WS would create much more animosity and resentment than anything else, and lead straight to a divorce.
The goal isn't to avoid divorce but rather to recover a damaged marriage. The recovery is done through the reestablishment of trust which is done by setting an environment that minimizes situations that would result in questions, opportunity, mistrust and jealousy.


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post #116 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 02:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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The goal isn't to avoid divorce but rather to recover a damaged marriage. The recovery is done through the reestablishment of trust which is done by setting an environment that minimizes situations that would result in questions, opportunity, mistrust and jealousy.
So basically isolate the WS and yourself from the rest of the world. If the WS cheated once, there's always a chance and opportunity it will happen again and that's just fact. And with that fact, leads to questioning where they really are, what they're doing and who they're with when you're not together which causes mistrust. And the mistrust and chance of another affair equals jealousy. There is no real way to solve the problem and be sure the problem is solved
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post #117 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 02:06 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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I don't know, I think going from well off to poor because of reconciling with a WS would create much more animosity and resentment than anything else, and lead straight to a divorce.
And if it does then you SHOULD be divorcing. If the WS RESENTS proving to the BS that they are truly remorseful then to hell with them.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #118 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 02:07 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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So basically isolate the WS and yourself from the rest of the world. If the WS cheated once, there's always a chance and opportunity it will happen again and that's just fact. And with that fact, leads to questioning where they really are, what they're doing and who they're with when you're not together which causes mistrust. And the mistrust and chance of another affair equals jealousy. There is no real way to solve the problem and be sure the problem is solved
No it's about minimizing contact with someone that a spouse has develope feelings for. Those feelings need to be extinguished through minimizing contact in a way that helps both spouses recover.

I certainly don't advocate isolation from the opposite sex. In fact I am much more of an advocate of OSFs than most TAMers.

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post #119 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 02:09 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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So basically isolate the WS and yourself from the rest of the world. If the WS cheated once, there's always a chance and opportunity it will happen again and that's just fact. And with that fact, leads to questioning where they really are, what they're doing and who they're with when you're not together which causes mistrust. And the mistrust and chance of another affair equals jealousy. There is no real way to solve the problem and be sure the problem is solved
You remind me of my husband. Everything is black and white to him. If I tell him that I like something (or hate something) then he takes that to mean that I absolutely ADORE it and would give ANYTHING IN THE WORLD to posses it and he has to run right out RIGHT NOW and get it for me (or that he had DAMNED WELL NEVER EVER EVER bring it up EVER AGAIN and I will kick his ass if he ever does)

Also, you can come up with all the what if scenarios you want to, and they'll all be possible. But in the process you're basically hobbling yourself.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #120 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 02:32 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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I don't know, I think going from well off to poor because of reconciling with a WS would create much more animosity and resentment than anything else, and lead straight to a divorce.
Well then I guess it's a catch 22:

1) Spouse stays at the job, continues to cheat on you behind your back and you end up divorced.

2) You force the spouse to quit their job. You become destitute and resentful and you end up divorced.

If the outcome is the same, then maybe the best choice is to just save yourself the years of mental anguish and just divorce them immediately.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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