Telling People To Quit Their Jobs - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
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post #121 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 02:07 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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So basically isolate the WS and yourself from the rest of the world. If the WS cheated once, there's always a chance and opportunity it will happen again and that's just fact. And with that fact, leads to questioning where they really are, what they're doing and who they're with when you're not together which causes mistrust. And the mistrust and chance of another affair equals jealousy. There is no real way to solve the problem and be sure the problem is solved
No it's about minimizing contact with someone that a spouse has develope feelings for. Those feelings need to be extinguished through minimizing contact in a way that helps both spouses recover.

I certainly don't advocate isolation from the opposite sex. In fact I am much more of an advocate of OSFs than most TAMers.


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post #122 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 02:09 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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So basically isolate the WS and yourself from the rest of the world. If the WS cheated once, there's always a chance and opportunity it will happen again and that's just fact. And with that fact, leads to questioning where they really are, what they're doing and who they're with when you're not together which causes mistrust. And the mistrust and chance of another affair equals jealousy. There is no real way to solve the problem and be sure the problem is solved
You remind me of my husband. Everything is black and white to him. If I tell him that I like something (or hate something) then he takes that to mean that I absolutely ADORE it and would give ANYTHING IN THE WORLD to posses it and he has to run right out RIGHT NOW and get it for me (or that he had DAMNED WELL NEVER EVER EVER bring it up EVER AGAIN and I will kick his ass if he ever does)

Also, you can come up with all the what if scenarios you want to, and they'll all be possible. But in the process you're basically hobbling yourself.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #123 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 02:32 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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I don't know, I think going from well off to poor because of reconciling with a WS would create much more animosity and resentment than anything else, and lead straight to a divorce.
Well then I guess it's a catch 22:

1) Spouse stays at the job, continues to cheat on you behind your back and you end up divorced.

2) You force the spouse to quit their job. You become destitute and resentful and you end up divorced.

If the outcome is the same, then maybe the best choice is to just save yourself the years of mental anguish and just divorce them immediately.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #124 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 02:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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You remind me of my husband. Everything is black and white to him. If I tell him that I like something (or hate something) then he takes that to mean that I absolutely ADORE it and would give ANYTHING IN THE WORLD to posses it and he has to run right out RIGHT NOW and get it for me (or that he had DAMNED WELL NEVER EVER EVER bring it up EVER AGAIN and I will kick his ass if he ever does)

Also, you can come up with all the what if scenarios you want to, and they'll all be possible. But in the process you're basically hobbling yourself.
I know we can come up with all the scenarios in the world, that's the point of the entire thread. There is no real right or wrong of how to deal with the situation and there is no black or white. That's the point, you read all these other threads and see all these comments about how the WS needs to do this or that immediately or it's divorce. All these threads have such black or white comments and comments that don't question the "what if's" and just jump straight to "don't bother, just divorce, you'll be happier". That doesn't fix anything, it doesn't solve the problem, and the reality of it is that no matter what you do or try or propose or whatever else, there is no definitive advise any of can give on another's situation. All we can do is tell our stories and hope other learn from them, and maybe something we say to someone will help. But there is no black and white or right and wrong in any of this, and that's what people keep seem to be missing.
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post #125 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 02:55 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Quitting the job allows for the chemicals of limerance to wear off. Then, the WS can think clearly and see what an a$$ they've been instead of being in lurve with the AP.
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post #126 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 04:16 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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So basically isolate the WS and yourself from the rest of the world. If the WS cheated once, there's always a chance and opportunity it will happen again and that's just fact. And with that fact, leads to questioning where they really are, what they're doing and who they're with when you're not together which causes mistrust. And the mistrust and chance of another affair equals jealousy. There is no real way to solve the problem and be sure the problem is solved
Nope, just isolate the WS from their affair partner so the marriage can heal and recover. Unless the WS is a serial cheat, then yes, if the BS is willing to stay through that (God help them), the WS will need to likely isolate themselves from the OS by whatever means necessary. I've heard of a spouse moving to a home-based business and couples going into business together to protect the marriage from more damage.

I think that if recovering the marriage is your number 1 priority, you'll do whatever it takes to make that happen. When we resign ourselves to only one choice, quit and be poor or stay and see the AP, we are really limiting ourselves. There are many alternatives that don't include a WS still in contact with their AP. Are they easy? No. Convenient? No. But nothing about recovering from an affair is going to be easy, which is why many choose to D instead.
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post #127 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 02:31 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

@AtMyEnd : you are trying so hard to prove your point based only on your opinion of a situation that has NOT happened to you. You say "it makes no difference" - but there are dozens / hundreds of people here, in which almost ALL of them have real-life experiences and relationship EXPERTS (doctors) - that all say otherwise.


Your wife was only doing inappropriate communication with another lawyer that she'll cross paths with because of their profession. Okay, she avoids him and of course no lunch dates. That would be very different if she was have such talks with another lawyer or person in the same law firm. As a lawyer, its easy to find work in another firm or on her own.

Point is, you seem to think people can turn off their feelings on the dime. if you think otherwise, you are quite wrong - except concerning those who are strictly in it for the sex... it seems that you are likely to justify having an affair yourself more so than your wife, since all you have to do is ignore the other person.


With only about 4 weeks of not seeing her AP, we bumped into each other and all hell broke out lose. Wife turned stupid, her fantasy feelings and ideas burst out and everything she did was stupid, even with her sisters and mother telling her she was being stupid. She ended up in jail because she couldn't think straight. So yeah, if you or your wife are having an EA/PA with someone that is a co-worker... "just don't talk" = not going to happen. Maybe 1 out of 100,000 would that possibly work (that number I pulled out of thin air). What helps to kill an affair is the sunlight and reality of their actions.

Those who are cheating, their affair partner effects their brains like crack. You'd be a fool if you have a person who hasn't touch crack in months, put them in a room with a bag of crack on the other side - and then somehow be *surprised* that he's on crack in 30 minutes. Having an affair becomes an addiction. It effects the brain the same way. It takes months~years for the effects of their AP wears off. If the couple wishes to SAVE the marriage - then they have to work at it... and the WS working with the AP *IS NOT* the way to save your marriage.

Put in the 2~4 weeks notice, look for another job.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #128 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 02:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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@AtMyEnd : you are trying so hard to prove your point based only on your opinion of a situation that has NOT happened to you. You say "it makes no difference" - but there are dozens / hundreds of people here, in which almost ALL of them have real-life experiences and relationship EXPERTS (doctors) - that all say otherwise.


Your wife was only doing inappropriate communication with another lawyer that she'll cross paths with because of their profession. Okay, she avoids him and of course no lunch dates. That would be very different if she was have such talks with another lawyer or person in the same law firm. As a lawyer, its easy to find work in another firm or on her own.

Point is, you seem to think people can turn off their feelings on the dime. if you think otherwise, you are quite wrong - except concerning those who are strictly in it for the sex... it seems that you are likely to justify having an affair yourself more so than your wife, since all you have to do is ignore the other person.


With only about 4 weeks of not seeing her AP, we bumped into each other and all hell broke out lose. Wife turned stupid, her fantasy feelings and ideas burst out and everything she did was stupid, even with her sisters and mother telling her she was being stupid. She ended up in jail because she couldn't think straight. So yeah, if you or your wife are having an EA/PA with someone that is a co-worker... "just don't talk" = not going to happen. Maybe 1 out of 100,000 would that possibly work (that number I pulled out of thin air). What helps to kill an affair is the sunlight and reality of their actions.

Those who are cheating, their affair partner effects their brains like crack. You'd be a fool if you have a person who hasn't touch crack in months, put them in a room with a bag of crack on the other side - and then somehow be *surprised* that he's on crack in 30 minutes. Having an affair becomes an addiction. It effects the brain the same way. It takes months~years for the effects of their AP wears off. If the couple wishes to SAVE the marriage - then they have to work at it... and the WS working with the AP *IS NOT* the way to save your marriage.

Put in the 2~4 weeks notice, look for another job.
What you just said is exactly what I wrote in another post. That you can't just turn it off and how if you cut all contact and happen to run into the AP that all the feeling can come rushing back uncontrollably.
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post #129 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:27 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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What you just said is exactly what I wrote in another post. That you can't just turn it off and how if you cut all contact and happen to run into the AP that all the feeling can come rushing back uncontrollably.
Uh no. I and others are talking about solutions - not the obvious fact that people have feelings. You don't know what you are talking about. Letting the WS continue to work with the AP *DOES NOT WORK* if the goal is to save the marriage. I had to think about my own history a bit... yeah, I told WW and AP that anything more than being co-workers was not allowed. They had both "agreed". This was *BEFORE* I came here and learned much more about infidelity... everything I was doing, was the typical wrong thing to do.

The result is that the two of them became depressed, working together but not supposed to have an EA/PA. Then more resentment on her part. It becomes Romeo and Juliet syndrome - where being "kept away" made their "love stronger". Things got worse by the week until she wanted to break up... she needed her "happiness". Her toy was there, but not supposed to play with it.

Letting your wife (for example) to work side by side with someone she has been having sex with for months - but have told her "no"... doesn't work. Why should it? She already cheated, already was doing something she shouldn't have been doing... and you telling her "no" to her face changes what? It doesn't show her willingness to save the marriage.

Willing to lose / change your job... shows you are willing to sacrifice to save the marriage. Otherwise... keep playing ball.
The *ONLY* people who are agreeing with you on this... are the ones who have not been cheated on. Think about that.

Hope you don't give that advice to friends... considering that experts would tell them and you - that you are WRONG.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.

Last edited by TaDor; 04-12-2017 at 04:34 AM.
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post #130 of 130 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:29 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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The *ONLY* people who are agreeing with you on this... are the ones who have not been cheated on. Think about that.
QFT


People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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