Telling People To Quit Their Jobs - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 02:14 PM Thread Starter
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Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Yes I've had my own problems in my marriage. I've had an EA with a woman 1000 miles away from me who I had never met in person. I caught my wife texting another man all day everyday, most likely an EA. And I've also found a suggestive text from a different man on my wife's phone. I've done my investigations and I have found that neither of those incidents ever were physical affairs. I say this just so people understand that I'm just coming out of no where with this.

My question is this, now I totally understand the idea of no contact with the other man or woman after an affair, whether it be emotional or physical. That rule was set by both my wife and I in our situations and was followed by both of us. But as I read thread after thread about affairs there is the constant comment and usually multiple times throughout the thread of how if the affair was with a coworker then that spouse must quit their job immediately, and how that's a must do or the idea of reconciliation can never happen.

Now I don't know where most of you are from or what industries you're in, but how easy do you really think it is to just quit your job in an instant and move on to a new job in your field making the same money you were? Like I said, I completely understand why there should be no contact, but realistically wouldn't quitting a job, most likely being out of work for a little while looking for a new job, and possibly finding a new making less money than you were before, add more stress and tension to an already tense situation and marriage? Not to mention the stress of trying to build your reputation and get established at a new company. I know at least where I live, finding a job in most career type fields are not exactly easy to come by.

Just curious to see the responses here.

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post #2 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 02:32 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Leaving a job isn't always practical - sometimes, there needs to be another solution, perhaps less safe or desirable, but workable. And wouldn't it be ironic if you force your cheating spouse to leave their great job, and then end up divorced and paying spousal support?

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post #3 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 02:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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Leaving a job isn't always practical - sometimes, there needs to be another solution, perhaps less safe or desirable, but workable. And wouldn't it be ironic if you force your cheating spouse to leave their great job, and then end up divorced and paying spousal support?
Exactly. And think of the situations where it's only an EA, and the courts don't recognize that as a valid reason for divorce. You end up adding more problems to your already problem situation.
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post #4 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 02:37 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

The stress the betrayed partner will continue to go through knowing his or her spouse is still seeing the person they screwed around with on a daily basis, is exponentially greater then the temporary financial hardships due to job loss.
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post #5 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 02:42 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

It's the recommendation of Dr. Harley of Marriage Builders, who is a licensed therapist who's had success helping recover marriages from PAs and EAs. In his experience, there is no way to recover from infidelity when the WS is still in physical proximity and/or any kind of contact with their affair partner. Of course, if Marriage Builders advice doesn't resonate, there are plenty of other avenues one can take. But he's had success with his plan and in his experience, there is no way around it.

There are many obstacles and roadblocks to recovery. He states his program won't work without that step. Same with his approach to improve marriages by committing to at least 15 hours of 1 on 1 time together. He won't even counsel couples who can't make this happen, and many couples give very good reasons why they can't.

In the end, it simply comes down to priorities. Are you willing to find a new job, even if it pays less, even if it's in an unrelated field, if it could help save your marriage? If a couple decides not to, that's ok. But realize, his plan simply won't work in that case.

Another thought- he said he started his career focusing primarily on couples where one spouse was a pilot. He saw a ton of failed marriages in this industry due to the travel required. This led him to include "no more nights apart" in his recovery plan. Certainly, MANY couples argue that for the sake of their careers, this simply isn't possible. But when you look at the evidence, nights apart contribute to many PAs and pilots have a high rate of divorce. He can't help recover marriages that continue to spend nights apart because it just won't work in most cases.
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post #6 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 02:44 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Whether it's feasible to actually DO it isn't always the point. It's like a lot of things that should happen, like kicking out the WS, making them take a poly, or selling the car they screwed OW in. Sometimes a lot can be told just from the WS's reaction to such suggestions, or to their willingness to follow through on demands by the BS. It's a **** test, really. Ideally, the WS should VOLUNTEER to change jobs, or sell that car.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #7 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 03:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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It's the recommendation of Dr. Harley of Marriage Builders, who is a licensed therapist who's had success helping recover marriages from PAs and EAs. In his experience, there is no way to recover from infidelity when the WS is still in physical proximity and/or any kind of contact with their affair partner. Of course, if Marriage Builders advice doesn't resonate, there are plenty of other avenues one can take. But he's had success with his plan and in his experience, there is no way around it.

There are many obstacles and roadblocks to recovery. He states his program won't work without that step. Same with his approach to improve marriages by committing to at least 15 hours of 1 on 1 time together. He won't even counsel couples who can't make this happen, and many couples give very good reasons why they can't.

In the end, it simply comes down to priorities. Are you willing to find a new job, even if it pays less, even if it's in an unrelated field, if it could help save your marriage? If a couple decides not to, that's ok. But realize, his plan simply won't work in that case.

Another thought- he said he started his career focusing primarily on couples where one spouse was a pilot. He saw a ton of failed marriages in this industry due to the travel required. This led him to include "no more nights apart" in his recovery plan. Certainly, MANY couples argue that for the sake of their careers, this simply isn't possible. But when you look at the evidence, nights apart contribute to many PAs and pilots have a high rate of divorce. He can't help recover marriages that continue to spend nights apart because it just won't work in most cases.
See this is where everything gets skewed. Yes, counselors can work wonders for a relationship but their advice isnít always practical. Take the 15 hours of one on one time a week. I know that in my life, between my work, my wifeís work, taking care of the house, the pets, our son and all his school and sports activities, all the other day to day responsibilities, and personal time for each of us, itís almost impossible to spend over 2 hours a day of just us one on one.

On top of that thereís all the additional problems making a spouse quit their job will add to an already tense marriage. The added resentment that they had to give up a job they loved or had to take a decrease in pay for. The possible financial struggles of only one income while the other looks for a new job. The possible depression that taking a job they really donít like could cause, and list goes on.

By forcing a WS to quit a job, in my opinion, can add more problems to a failing marriage that will only speed up the process to divorce. And at the same time turn that divorce into more of a messy financial burden then it needs to be.
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post #8 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 03:04 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

Most EAs are really an addiction to neural chemicals like dopamine and th like. Quitting the job is a way to remove the chances of an encounter that will cause a relapse. They still go through a withdrawal but are more likely not to get sucked back in.

Is it really necessary? That depends upon how strong, long and other factors. In my case I removed myself from a position where I interacted with the OW (not my job) but I still continue to see her usually with my wife present at kid and social activities. Not removing entirely made the withdrawal last much longer but I'm over it finally. So if you can quit if you can't work with your spouse on transparency to ensure it doesn't start up again.

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post #9 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 03:05 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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Originally Posted by AtMyEnd View Post
By forcing a WS to quit a job, in my opinion, can add more problems to a failing marriage that will only speed up the process to divorce. And at the same time turn that divorce into more of a messy financial burden then it needs to be.
If you have to FORCE a WS to do ANYthing that comforts the BS, then they should be a FORMERws, and a big ole D should be the letter of the day.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #10 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 03:09 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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If you have to FORCE a WS to do ANYthing that comforts the BS, then they should be a FORMERws, and a big ole D should be the letter of the day.
Its forcing if the betrayed spouse says "I want you to quit your job" which is the only way it's going to happen.

Don't expect the person to say "you know what, I think I'll quit my job because I know it will upset you to know I'm seeing my former affair partner every day".

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post #11 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 03:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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If you have to FORCE a WS to do ANYthing that comforts the BS, then they should be a FORMERws, and a big ole D should be the letter of the day.
By setting any rule for a WS or giving them any type of ultimatum after an affair is forcing them to do something.
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post #12 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 03:22 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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By setting any rule for a WS or giving them any type of ultimatum after an affair is forcing them to do something.
Forcing implies coercion after a refusal. If they willingly do something you suggest even if it is an ultimatum, it is not forcing.

I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen. - Laird Hamilton
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post #13 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 03:25 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

You guys TOTALLY missed my point.

You shouldn't HAVE to give an ultimatum (ie FORCE) a WS to do things that are to help the BS. If you do then the WS is obviously NOT invested in R. Any WS worth staying with will WANT to do things that comfort the BS. If they don't WANT to and LOOK FOR WAYS to comfort the BS, then what the **** do you want to be with them for ?????

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #14 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 03:25 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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Exactly. And think of the situations where it's only an EA, and the courts don't recognize that as a valid reason for divorce. You end up adding more problems to your already problem situation.


Be careful around here saying "only an EA".
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post #15 of 130 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 03:26 PM
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Re: Telling People To Quit Their Jobs

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See this is where everything gets skewed. Yes, counselors can work wonders for a relationship but their advice isnít always practical. Take the 15 hours of one on one time a week. I know that in my life, between my work, my wifeís work, taking care of the house, the pets, our son and all his school and sports activities, all the other day to day responsibilities, and personal time for each of us, itís almost impossible to spend over 2 hours a day of just us one on one.

On top of that thereís all the additional problems making a spouse quit their job will add to an already tense marriage. The added resentment that they had to give up a job they loved or had to take a decrease in pay for. The possible financial struggles of only one income while the other looks for a new job. The possible depression that taking a job they really donít like could cause, and list goes on.

By forcing a WS to quit a job, in my opinion, can add more problems to a failing marriage that will only speed up the process to divorce. And at the same time turn that divorce into more of a messy financial burden then it needs to be.
It comes down to the willingness of the WS to adhere to a plan to save their marriage that takes their own desires and wishes out of the equation and instead asks them to consider their spouses feelings and what is best for the relationship. By their very nature, affairs (PAs and EAs) are the most selfish acts one can do in a marriage. Dr. Harley's position is that selfish acts are independent behavior, and more IB is not good for marriage. Interdependence means taking exraordinary care of your spouse and doing what is best for the relationship.

In a healthy marriage, protecting your career is what is best for the relationship for the reasons you list. But a marriage that has suffered infidelity is unhealthy and in order to recover, the marriage must come first. That is, if the couple is interested in following Dr. Harley's plan. Many are not (and the future success of the marriage is unknown). Even if followed to the letter, Dr. Harley states that his plan may not work after a marriage has suffered infidelity. But in his experience, it's the best shot a couple has at keeping the marriage together. And he's fully aware that Financial Support is one of many spouse's top needs. I've heard him recommend getting a better job as a way to improve their marriages when financial stress is causing problems in a marriage. But in the case of infidelity, the marriage is so broken that the job aspect comes after ending all contact with the affair partner before a couple can begin to recover.
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