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post #136 of 150 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 11:25 PM
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Re: So it's been 2 weeks

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But didn't I do her a favor by leaving her alone? Is that not what she wanted?
I don't know what she wanted. Neither do you. We aren't gifted with the ability to read minds. I hope you realize you are codependent. Here is how I've approached my own codependency: I have enough problems figuring out my own motivations. That being said, why would I waste a single minute of my time trying to figure out anyone else????

It's over with her. Let it rest. Move on with your own life. Quit focusing on being lonely/alone. If you want to bulk up to feel good about yourself, I think that's great. But I get the feeling it's all about being able to attract women. I'll tell you this in all honesty. The times in my life I've been enjoying myself and not focused whatsoever on the opposite sex was when I had men crawling out of the woodwork! Maybe it's simply because I was enjoying life just for what it is. Something to consider ....


I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
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post #137 of 150 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 08:59 AM Thread Starter
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Re: So it's been 2 weeks

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I don't know what she wanted. Neither do you. We aren't gifted with the ability to read minds. I hope you realize you are codependent. Here is how I've approached my own codependency: I have enough problems figuring out my own motivations. That being said, why would I waste a single minute of my time trying to figure out anyone else????

It's over with her. Let it rest. Move on with your own life. Quit focusing on being lonely/alone. If you want to bulk up to feel good about yourself, I think that's great. But I get the feeling it's all about being able to attract women. I'll tell you this in all honesty. The times in my life I've been enjoying myself and not focused whatsoever on the opposite sex was when I had men crawling out of the woodwork! Maybe it's simply because I was enjoying life just for what it is. Something to consider ....
Codependent? You're probably right. It never crossed my mind before but it sounds pretty accurate.

I know it's over. I'm just always seeking to understand everything that I don't understand, thus the question about why she reacted how she did when our paths crossed.

Quit focusing on being alone? How can one do that when it's their reality most of their non-working hours? And I haven't enjoyed life in a long while, although spending time with this woman had made it a little better.
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post #138 of 150 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 04:12 PM
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Re: So it's been 2 weeks

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I'm just always seeking to understand everything that I don't understand, thus the question about why she reacted how she did when our paths crossed.
Yeah, that's pretty much the standard response codependents give. Trying to understand everything you don't understand ... why? Do you have an answer? No. Do you understand the real reasons and motivations for what you do? I doubt it. It's an exercise in futility. It also allows you to focus on things you can't control, because you think if you could only understand other people you would have some type of control over life. Life happens. You can drive yourself nuts and waste a lot of your time just trying to figure out people and situations.

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Quit focusing on being alone? How can one do that when it's their reality most of their non-working hours? And I haven't enjoyed life in a long while, although spending time with this woman had made it a little better.
Here's what you can control: Your attitude. Focus on the negative and keep spinning your wheels. That is certainly your right. If you don't enjoy life, then that's where your attitude comes in. If you are stuck in that mindset, your circumstances will remain the same. If you don't enjoy life, then it is simply because you choose not to. Happiness is an inside job. And, quite frankly, your life could be far worse.

I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
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post #139 of 150 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 11:11 PM
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Re: So it's been 2 weeks

And, after a great deal of thought, I've decided to add a P.S. to my previous post. You have been given excellent advice. But the pattern remains: You are told to quit feeling sorry for yourself, you don't post for a few days, then you come back whining about your circumstances.

And you make excuses over and over for yourself. Hey, you want to sit on your pity pot, please go right ahead. But people on TAM can only give so much advice. When we have a whiner-in-residence, we generally just check out and wish them well.

So before I add my parting P.S., I want to tell you an episode from my life. I spent three days a month for six months in an infusion center. That's where cancer patients go to get chemo. The staff at the center thought it was funny to turn on the Food Network on the huge flat screen in the waiting room. Those of us who had diarrhea and vomiting to contend with thought it was hilarious. We would sit around talking about all the great food being prepared and reminiscing about some of our favorite meals. Bald men. Bald women. People who knew they might not make it out of there alive after a year. In fact, it sounded like the wildest party you can imagine. People laughing, joking, taking off their wigs. We all had a great time. The highlight of my three days was being able to choose between a turkey or ham sandwich. I also LOVED the therapy dogs who came through to give us a lift. I had my own private cube, complete with TV, intercom, and a nearby bathroom.

It is something I can't explain to anyone other than those who have gone through chemo, but we all learned to enjoy ourselves for what we had. There was a camaraderie. There was a sense of hope. There was a sense of living in the moment and making the best of that moment.

Sorry, marksaysay, but I'm going to check out of your thread. You are a whiney, complaining child. BTW, I went through six months of chemo alone, since my drunk husband couldn't manage to get his act together enough to be there for me. His life. His choice. I'm glad he wasn't there.

I'm no superhero. I'm no saint. But I AM someone who went through some really, really difficult stuff alone. And, by the grace of God, I came out the other end just fine.

Now why don't you just quit feeling sorry for yourself, okay????

I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
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post #140 of 150 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 07:28 PM
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Re: So it's been 2 weeks

Did you ever stop to think that although your improved physical fitness gets you noticed by what you are classifying as more physically attractive females that it could also have to do with the vibe you are putting out because you are feeling better about yourself. Yes having a physically attractive partner is nice but also consider the old saying beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Having a true connection would seem to make a person physically more attractive in each others eyes. Remember as someone else pointed out (sorry to original person who posted this I don't remember where I saw it and don't want to go clear back through all these pages) beauty fades it is what is on the inside and the relationship you have with another person. Be careful you aren't picking woman based on their looks, that could be part of your past problems. Yes, that initial attraction from looks should be there but you should also have things in common and like what is on the inside. Look at this woman you are still pining over.... does her personality and how she acts/treats people really warrant your attention in any manner?
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post #141 of 150 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 07:00 PM
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Re: So it's been 2 weeks

OP,
May I offer a completely unorthodox and possibly insane suggestion. You are 41, I can only assume that she is roughly the same age, give or take a few years. So why not try an absolutely ridiculous approach. Why do you not ask to meet with her and actually discuss what happened in the relationship. Listen to her perspective on where it was going and express to her yours. Ask her why she acted the way she did and explain to her your actions. This dance of "no contact" and ignoring but not really ignoring is quite immature and juvenile.

You should both be adults and adults converse, exchanging information and opinion. The most efficient and accurate way to gain knowledge about someone is to ask them. This "I'm over her" song you are singing has lost its tune. Just ask her what happened and how she feels then act/react accordingly, it is really quite simple, for adults. She may actually find your mature approach refreshing and it will certainly answer some of your questions and relieve your curiosity and need to "over analyze". It would seem you have something to gain and very little to lose in the effort.

Peace and long life
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post #142 of 150 (permalink) Old 05-07-2017, 07:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: So it's been 2 weeks

Since it's been awhile I thought I'd update:

On April 13th, I sent her an email hoping to gain clarity. She responded shortly after to reveal her "last straw" moment. It was really a misunderstanding, which I explained in my reply, but nonetheless, I'm pretty aware I'd done plenty at that point to cause her to want to cut the string, so to speak...neediness, clinginess, lack of confidence, etc. The discussion ended with my reply which contained no begging or pleading. I wished her well and said "Take care".

I overheard some people discussing taking their college finals this week. I thought of her since she's also a student and sent her this text:

Hey. I know it's been a minute but I overheard someone talking about taking finals and you popped in my head. I'm sure you aced yours. Anyhow, hope all is well!!!

Today, we had our first interaction since March. We ended up having to pass directly by each other at church so to avoid any awkwardness, I spoke. She smiled and responded in kind. She then said something I didn't catch, thinking she was talking to her son. She then speaks again and says, "Did you hear me? I said I liked your tie." I simply said "thanks" and walked away.

OAN, I've definitely been attracting a lot more attention. I'm up about 18 lbs since the end of February (was 162, now 180) and it definitely shows as people comment daily. Many of my clothes are starting to shrink, too...lol. I catch girls turning their heads quite frequently which puts a smile on my face. I've really started feeling a little more confident...ok...a lot more confident. And I do believe the attention due in part to my physical appearance, but also because of a different "vibe" I may actually be putting off. Whatever it is, i like it. I'm slowly seeming to get back to a healthy frame of mind. I've got a ways to go yet but things are definitely getting better.

One sign of some progress to me is the fact that I normally would come here, especially after today's interaction, and ask you all what does her actions mean? Why did she compliment me? Etc. Not this time. Truthfully, it doesn't really matter.
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post #143 of 150 (permalink) Old 05-07-2017, 07:15 PM
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Re: So it's been 2 weeks

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Put a rubber band around your pecker and every time you think of this woman reach down and snap it!!
This may be the greatest sentence ever created. Dear god I can't stop laughing.
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post #144 of 150 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 08:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: So it's been 2 weeks

Well, I just got an email from this girl which said simply this:

"I dont know why im emailing you. I just felt the need to."

She really put a lot of thought into that one. Lol. I don't plan on responding until tomorrow after I've had a chance to think about a few things.
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post #145 of 150 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 08:56 PM
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Re: So it's been 2 weeks

Really?

Really?

Why?

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post #146 of 150 (permalink) Old 05-09-2017, 05:53 AM
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Re: So it's been 2 weeks

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Well, I just got an email from this girl which said simply this:

"I dont know why im emailing you. I just felt the need to."

She really put a lot of thought into that one. Lol. I won't be responding.
There you go, fixed it for you.

Weightlifters Standard Evidence Thread

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Your marriage reminds me of a guy dragging a dead whale across the beach.
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post #147 of 150 (permalink) Old 05-09-2017, 05:57 AM
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Re: So it's been 2 weeks

You must really like playing with crazy.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #148 of 150 (permalink) Old 05-09-2017, 07:00 AM
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Re: So it's been 2 weeks

OP,
I reference my earlier post wherein I suggested communicating. Perhaps your contact with her and subsequent explanation of events which were misinterpreted caused her to rethink her position. You do realize that you can communicate with her without thinking she is going to marry you tomorrow do you not? She reached out to you and if she has indeed had a change of heart based on the clarification you provided then this may be the moment of nirvana that you have dreamt of these last two months.

Just be sure if you respond to her you do not propose in the text or email. Simply see how she feels and see if there is any way to proceed forward. If so, then act accordingly and if not then accept that and move on.

Peace and long life
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post #149 of 150 (permalink) Old 05-09-2017, 09:47 AM
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Re: So it's been 2 weeks

Perhaps the thread title could be changed to

"So it's been 6 weeks"
(and I still can't move on...)
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post #150 of 150 (permalink) Old 05-09-2017, 01:27 PM
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Re: So it's been 2 weeks

Beware the vortex.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
The Feminine Review

Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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