Anybody got time to read this novel? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 03:06 PM Thread Starter
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Anybody got time to read this novel?

I need advice from men and women. I'll try to be brief lol.

I used to be a big time player. Hung out with many women. Then I met my wife. I had problems giving up that lifestyle and I broke her trust. While I did not physically cheat on her, I was speaking to other women behind her back and came close to physically cheating. I repeated this pattern of behavior for a couple years and I changed her as a person and our relationship. I am 100 percent guilty and acknowledge what I did.

I have since married her and left that life behind. I hope to have a family with her. But she is not the same person. I can't blame her, but I want the woman I love back, I just hope she's not gone forever. She used to be this sexual goddess, she used to be up for whatever, she used to be open about it and used to just crave sex, we couldn't keep our hands off each other and we did freaky stuff.

When she found out what I was doing behind her back, our sex life slowed. That wasn't the main reason, I was also working a high stress job and put on 40 pounds. I had a hard time keeping erections and my blood pressure was high, I was in my late 20s. She stayed with me through all of this, i relapsed a few times and contacted women behind her back but we stuck through it. I became a better person, got a new job, and my sexual appetite came back big time. And she wasn't there anymore.

She's diabetic and she had put on weight, she is stressed at her job, she doesn't get in the mood anymore. I'm back to being healthy and I'm ready to go, I wanna get it on with my wife, I'm committed to this marriage, I desperately wanna have sex with my wife. She used to dress up in sexy outfits and surprise me, not anymore. She said she did that out of desperation sometimes to keep my attention, but the effect it had on me was it made me love her more, she knew what turns me on and wanted to satisfy me. That was the hottest thing in the world to me.

Our sex lives have boiled down to maybe once or twice a month now and that's not our only problem. She's become flat out mean to me, and she always turns it around and blames it on me. When she comes home, she's too tired for sex, she's too tired for sex on weekends too, she's just too tired for me. She is too busy and too stressed to appreciate me. She's a teacher so she gets Summer's off, and she tells me every year that it'll get better, it gets worse. She's a clean freak and I'm not, but I try and I've gotten better. When she comes home, it's not a happy time, it's immediately how tired she is, how much she still has to do, and how I didn't do a good enough job cleaning or how I didn't finish all the things she asked me. I procrastinate. But if I could grade us on marriage chores she gets an A+ and I get a B, could I be better? Sure, but I'm passing above average.

I also have turned to porn more than I should. She doesn't like me using porn but if she doesn't have sex with me I deserve to pleasure myself no? Back when I was having erection issues I allowed her to pleasure herself while I went to the other room. I'll never be the gatekeeper of her orgasm. But there have been a few times where I probably should have asked her for sex before assuming she wouldn't be interested and taking care of myself. I got laid way more as a single man than I do married.

She goes 0-100, I think she has an anger problem and is too stressed. She brings a lot of this on herself though, she does a lot of things extra that aren't required by her job and she takes that out on me, she's doing a 6 week weight loss challenge and that isn't required of her, but it's made her extra crabby. We could be talking about nothing and she'll go "oh I actually put things away," and talks down to me in a condescending way. She's rude, mean, belittles me and my efforts, doesn't treat me with respect, doesn't have sex with me, and expects more out of me. When she's mean to me like this I don't even want to do anything. It's almost abusive. She won the power struggle so what she wants she gets. I find myself avoiding confrontation when she gets worked up and going into 1 word responses and walking away. That gets her angry but so does staying and fighting. I'm afraid to anger her, I'm afraid to upset her, even some of my friends and relatives have made some comments and raised some eyebrows at her dominance of this relationship. I'm a mans man, and it's really weird having people see me just fall in line like this. When I try to talk to her, it's my fault somehow, somehow she turns it around and it's my behavior that caused her to be this way or angry. I'm so defeated. If she ever even mentions ending our marriage I fight and beg, but now I'm scared if I tell her how I feel she will leave instantly without a fight. She goes and sees a counselor about how I've hurt her in the past. She sees a counselor about my indiscretions and her trust issues, but I don't think they're addressing her anger issues and treatment of me, I don't even think they're aware of if, because when I sit down in these sessions I try to express myself but even the counselor seems to take her side. I'm lazy and I could do more, but I make the most money, pay the bills, and help out way more than I used to around the house, I think I actually do quite a bit these days, but she doesn't appreciate my efforts, it's never good enough.

She wants to start trying for a kid this summer, how could I bring a kid into this? All she cares about if what she wants. If we have a kid I'll just be even more secondary... Anybody have advice?

I would like to note that I love my wife more than anything. I've never been so connected with a person, that's why I've come this far. I don't necessarily want to give up on her.


Last edited by A little lost; 04-02-2017 at 03:24 PM.
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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 03:33 PM
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Re: Anybody got time to read this novel?

What have you done to help her heal from your infidelity? She has lost that reverence for you. That is a magic thing that women give you. But it is fragile. If you destroy it it is very hard if not impossible to get back unfortunately. What exactly did you do?

First of all you need to acknowledge your mistake, and really acknowledge it. this seems to be the book that everyone recommends. I would read it and do what it says.

However you need to also talk to her about how she treats you. I would not bring kids into a marriage where you are this unhappy. Eventually even if you were a jerk you are going to get tired of being treated like one, especially if you have tried to change. How long has it been? It takes years to heal.

I would consider marriage counseling with someone new. But unless you wife knows the stakes she may not want to change. Or she may just end it. If that is the case they you were never meant to survive your dalliances.
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 03:33 PM
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Re: Anybody got time to read this novel?

Read up
https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glo...r_Nice_Guy.pdf

Join a gym start working out. If you can't get out of your doormattish behavior your life will be what it is.

Neither of you are responsible enough to have children at this time.

Better start talking and quit trying to nice her. You aren't perfect and neither is she.

Looks like an impending train wreck from here.
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 03:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Anybody got time to read this novel?

I have very much owned what I did, I never physically cheated on her, but there was talk of it happening. This was 3 years ago. She has full access to my phone and technology, all of my passwords, etc. I hide nothing from her and give her nothing but honesty.

Sounds like it may be too late? Damage is done?
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 03:43 PM
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Re: Anybody got time to read this novel?

Quote:
Originally Posted by A little lost View Post
I need advice from men and women. I'll try to be brief lol.

I used to be a big time player. Hung out with many women. Then I met my wife. I had problems giving up that lifestyle and I broke her trust. While I did not physically cheat on her, I was speaking to other women behind her back and came close to physically cheating. I repeated this pattern of behavior for a couple years and I changed her as a person and our relationship. I am 100 percent guilty and acknowledge what I did.

I have since married her and left that life behind. I hope to have a family with her. But she is not the same person. I can't blame her, but I want the woman I love back, I just hope she's not gone forever. She used to be this sexual goddess, she used to be up for whatever, she used to be open about it and used to just crave sex, we couldn't keep our hands off each other and we did freaky stuff.

When she found out what I was doing behind her back, our sex life slowed. That wasn't the main reason, I was also working a high stress job and put on 40 pounds. I had a hard time keeping erections and my blood pressure was high, I was in my late 20s. She stayed with me through all of this, i relapsed a few times and contacted women behind her back but we stuck through it. I became a better person, got a new job, and my sexual appetite came back big time. And she wasn't there anymore.

She's diabetic and she had put on weight, she is stressed at her job, she doesn't get in the mood anymore. I'm back to being healthy and I'm ready to go, I wanna get it on with my wife, I'm committed to this marriage, I desperately wanna have sex with my wife. She used to dress up in sexy outfits and surprise me, not anymore. She said she did that out of desperation sometimes to keep my attention, but the effect it had on me was it made me love her more, she knew what turns me on and wanted to satisfy me. That was the hottest thing in the world to me.

Our sex lives have boiled down to maybe once or twice a month now and that's not our only problem. She's become flat out mean to me, and she always turns it around and blames it on me. When she comes home, she's too tired for sex, she's too tired for sex on weekends too, she's just too tired for me. She is too busy and too stressed to appreciate me. She's a teacher so she gets Summer's off, and she tells me every year that it'll get better, it gets worse. She's a clean freak and I'm not, but I try and I've gotten better. When she comes home, it's not a happy time, it's immediately how tired she is, how much she still has to do, and how I didn't do a good enough job cleaning or how I didn't finish all the things she asked me. I procrastinate. But if I could grade us on marriage chores she gets an A+ and I get a B, could I be better? Sure, but I'm passing above average.

I also have turned to porn more than I should. She doesn't like me using porn but if she doesn't have sex with me I deserve to pleasure myself no? Back when I was having erection issues I allowed her to pleasure herself while I went to the other room. I'll never be the gatekeeper of her orgasm. But there have been a few times where I probably should have asked her for sex before assuming she wouldn't be interested and taking care of myself. I got laid way more as a single man than I do married.

She goes 0-100, I think she has an anger problem and is too stressed. She brings a lot of this on herself though, she does a lot of things extra that aren't required by her job and she takes that out on me, she's doing a 6 week weight loss challenge and that isn't required of her, but it's made her extra crabby. We could be talking about nothing and she'll go "oh I actually put things away," and talks down to me in a condescending way. She's rude, mean, belittles me and my efforts, doesn't treat me with respect, doesn't have sex with me, and expects more out of me. When she's mean to me like this I don't even want to do anything. It's almost abusive. She won the power struggle so what she wants she gets. I find myself avoiding confrontation when she gets worked up and going into 1 word responses and walking away. That gets her angry but so does staying and fighting. I'm afraid to anger her, I'm afraid to upset her, even some of my friends and relatives have made some comments and raised some eyebrows at her dominance of this relationship. I'm a mans man, and it's really weird having people see me just fall in line like this. When I try to talk to her, it's my fault somehow, somehow she turns it around and it's my behavior that caused her to be this way or angry. I'm so defeated. If she ever even mentions ending our marriage I fight and beg, but now I'm scared if I tell her how I feel she will leave instantly without a fight. She goes and sees a counselor about how I've hurt her in the past. She sees a counselor about my indiscretions and her trust issues, but I don't think they're addressing her anger issues and treatment of me, I don't even think they're aware of if, because when I sit down in these sessions I try to express myself but even the counselor seems to take her side. I'm lazy and I could do more, but I make the most money, pay the bills, and help out way more than I used to around the house, I think I actually do quite a bit these days, but she doesn't appreciate my efforts, it's never good enough.

She wants to start trying for a kid this summer, how could I bring a kid into this? All she cares about if what she wants. If we have a kid I'll just be even more secondary... Anybody have advice?

I would like to note that I love my wife more than anything. I've never been so connected with a person, that's why I've come this far. I don't necessarily want to give up on her.
Your wife is a ***** and you may or may not have helped her along that path.
She is still a ***** and you need to grow a set.
You describe yourself as a player and a mans man.
Not seeing it dude.You may have had some success talking with women but you were never a player.
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 03:48 PM
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Re: Anybody got time to read this novel?

Quote:
Originally Posted by A little lost View Post
I have very much owned what I did, I never physically cheated on her, but there was talk of it happening. This was 3 years ago. She has full access to my phone and technology, all of my passwords, etc. I hide nothing from her and give her nothing but honesty.

Sounds like it may be too late? Damage is done?
Not necessarily but there is a lot of work involved on both sides.

Marriage takes two one can't do it.

A good MC if you can find one is your best bet. She needs to be intimate you need to lay off the porn. If you are to afraid to try and have a calm discussion then you have got what you've got. Don't expect any change
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 04:47 PM
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Re: Anybody got time to read this novel?

It sounds like she is still carrying a lot of resentment from your previous infidelities. Pair that with her body image having tanked, and you have one angry, hostile woman. Did you two ever attend therapy to work on the issues with the other women? If not you might want to start going. She should try to lose the extra weight, that would help her to feel better about herself.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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