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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 06:37 PM Thread Starter
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Marriage issues, need some advise.

I have never participated in a forum before, so I apologize if I am doing it wrong. I just need some fresh eyes on my situation. I can't really turn to family or friends as I don't want their judgment or for them to dislike my husband.

Yesterday I found out my husband is on Tinder. I found out because I noticed a text message from a local number that seems a like a personal number. We are not from the area we live in and only moved here in October. So the people each of us know locally is few and far between. I know I am in the wrong but I ended up reading the text message. Only to find out it was a woman and they met on Tinder. The conversation was innocent enough.

Tinder in my mind is for one thing, sex. So in a panic I immediately said something to my husband when he returned to the car. (back story he left is phone in the car to run into the store.) He become defensive and aggressive. I was driving. He told me that he started in years ago when we had an argument. I brought it to his attention he has a new number so clearly that doesn't make sense that this person would have his number. He clearly continued to lie. He got in my face and screamed and well we were stopped at a light he got out of the bar and punched my window. I drove away.

Later on once we got home he admitted he started the profile on Monday. I looked at the profile and the women he messaged. the conversations were innocent enough. But it still hurts. He said it was because I don't appreciate him. That I don't give him enough attention. He feels like I don't even listen when he speaks.

My husband is in the military he is often gone for weeks at a time. I work full time and we have a one year old daughter. I am the one responsible for our daughter, our apartment and our bills. We live in a apartment on the 3rd floor. When my husband isn't here I am the one lugging groceries and the baby up and down the stairs. We have a dog that I also have to do several trip with up an down the stairs. All that is my daily life. I will admit I do not out my husbands needs first. I just thought he would understand what I go through on a daily basis and cut me some slack. Apparently there is no slack to be cut for me.

This is not the first time an incident similar to this happened. He has reached out to exs in the past for conversation. He also reached out to a sight that was for "conversations" with pretty girls. He always has just the perfect things to tell me. Or I leave the fight feeling like I am the complete piece of **** and I am clearly psycho and don't know what I want.

I have never thought of going on a dating site. I have never reached out to an ex. I love my husband and my life. I thought I was doing everything I could for my family. I am at a completely loss. The times before never hurt as much as this time. I don't know why this one hurts. I thought about just going on Tinder to hurt him. But I don't want to do that. I don't want the drama. I just want this pain gone and I want to know how to fix this.

I don't know what I am looking for from this and I may get no responses. But I am desperate to talk to someone. Thank you for reading and I hope to hear from you.

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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 06:45 PM
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Re: Marriage issues, need some advise.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lstrick423 View Post
I have never participated in a forum before, so I apologize if I am doing it wrong. I just need some fresh eyes on my situation. I can't really turn to family or friends as I don't want their judgment or for them to dislike my husband.

Yesterday I found out my husband is on Tinder. I found out because I noticed a text message from a local number that seems a like a personal number. We are not from the area we live in and only moved here in October. So the people each of us know locally is few and far between. I know I am in the wrong but I ended up reading the text message. Only to find out it was a woman and they met on Tinder. The conversation was innocent enough.

Tinder in my mind is for one thing, sex. So in a panic I immediately said something to my husband when he returned to the car. (back story he left is phone in the car to run into the store.) He become defensive and aggressive. I was driving. He told me that he started in years ago when we had an argument. I brought it to his attention he has a new number so clearly that doesn't make sense that this person would have his number. He clearly continued to lie. He got in my face and screamed and well we were stopped at a light he got out of the bar and punched my window. I drove away.

Later on once we got home he admitted he started the profile on Monday. I looked at the profile and the women he messaged. the conversations were innocent enough. But it still hurts. He said it was because I don't appreciate him. That I don't give him enough attention. He feels like I don't even listen when he speaks.

My husband is in the military he is often gone for weeks at a time. I work full time and we have a one year old daughter. I am the one responsible for our daughter, our apartment and our bills. We live in a apartment on the 3rd floor. When my husband isn't here I am the one lugging groceries and the baby up and down the stairs. We have a dog that I also have to do several trip with up an down the stairs. All that is my daily life. I will admit I do not out my husbands needs first. I just thought he would understand what I go through on a daily basis and cut me some slack. Apparently there is no slack to be cut for me.

This is not the first time an incident similar to this happened. He has reached out to exs in the past for conversation. He also reached out to a sight that was for "conversations" with pretty girls. He always has just the perfect things to tell me. Or I leave the fight feeling like I am the complete piece of **** and I am clearly psycho and don't know what I want.

I have never thought of going on a dating site. I have never reached out to an ex. I love my husband and my life. I thought I was doing everything I could for my family. I am at a completely loss. The times before never hurt as much as this time. I don't know why this one hurts. I thought about just going on Tinder to hurt him. But I don't want to do that. I don't want the drama. I just want this pain gone and I want to know how to fix this.

I don't know what I am looking for from this and I may get no responses. But I am desperate to talk to someone. Thank you for reading and I hope to hear from you.
I'm really sorry you are in this position, istrick. You are not psycho, and you are definitely not a piece of ****. It's time to ask your husband if he will go to marriage counseling with you. It's definitely wrong for him to be on the sites that he is.

If he is willing, please attend counseling with him. If he's not willing, get individual counseling. I hope you won't put up with this sort of behavior.

Hang in there.
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 07:16 PM
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Re: Marriage issues, need some advise.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lstrick423 View Post
I know I am in the wrong but I ended up reading the text message. Only to find out it was a woman and they met on Tinder. The conversation was innocent enough.
You think you were in the wrong because you were suspicious about a text and you read it and it turns out your suspicions were correct? You're wrong, but only about thinking you were wrong. This is just the beginning of the checking up on him you'll need to be doing. It started with that text but it won't end unless you either decide to bury your head in the sand or divorce him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lstrick423 View Post
Tinder in my mind is for one thing, sex. So in a panic I immediately said something to my husband when he returned to the car.
Tinder is a place to hookup and have sex. The conversation was "innocent enough" because it was just getting started. Your BIG mistake was immediately confronting him because all that will do is make him more careful going forward and you didn't have much on him so he easily deflected.

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Originally Posted by lstrick423 View Post
He become defensive and aggressive.He got in my face and screamed and well we were stopped at a light he got out of the bar and punched my window.
Yes that's what they do. You know the expression. The best defense is a good offense. If you expect a person who has cheated or is going to cheat or is thinking about cheating to immediately confess to the complete truth- whatever it may be- you are badly mistaken.

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Originally Posted by lstrick423 View Post
He clearly continued to lie.
Here's what you know for sure. Your husband is a liar, and he was on a dating site looking to hookup with a woman for sex. Anything else is just conjecture. But I think it's enough for most people to realize their marriage is in serious trouble. It's even enough for a lot of people to immediately file for divorce.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lstrick423 View Post
Later on once we got home he admitted he started the profile on Monday. I looked at the profile and the women he messaged. the conversations were innocent enough.
The conversations were innocent because he either deleted the ones that weren't innocent or he wasn't on there long enough to get into the other stuff.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lstrick423 View Post
He said it was because I don't appreciate him. That I don't give him enough attention. He feels like I don't even listen when he speaks.
Yeah it's all your fault, not his. He has no remorse. Sorry but this isn't going to work out with him because he doesn't see a problem with his behavior.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lstrick423 View Post
This is not the first time an incident similar to this happened. He has reached out to exs in the past for conversation. He also reached out to a sight that was for "conversations" with pretty girls.
He's a repeat, remorseless offender who blames you for his actions and lies to you repeatedly.

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Originally Posted by lstrick423 View Post
I don't know why this one hurts.
Because it's getting to the point that you can no longer deny that your marriage is in trouble and that he's cheating on you or will eventually cheat on you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lstrick423 View Post
I thought about just going on Tinder to hurt him
All that will do is give him a green light to go hook up with some girl. He's already blaming you. "She's doing it, so I can too".

Nothing to save here. The only solution is to divorce his lying, cheating, blaming ass.
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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 07:48 PM
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Re: Marriage issues, need some advise.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lstrick423 View Post
Yesterday I found out my husband is on Tinder. I found out because I noticed a text message from a local number that seems a like a personal number. We are not from the area we live in and only moved here in October. So the people each of us know locally is few and far between. I know I am in the wrong but I ended up reading the text message. Only to find out it was a woman and they met on Tinder. The conversation was innocent enough.
Hi there,
I'm just going to say this because I too am in the position your husband is, AKA, I do stupid stuff like being on Tinder. Well I used to have online profiles, but I deleted them all now.

He is totally lying to you about him just having conversations with these ladies. Tinder especially only leads to sex or hookups. Been there done that, luckily I never had any real contact with any ladies from there. Conversations always start innocent, then they move to meetups and thats where it gets hot.

Ask him if he met any of these ladies and what happened.
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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 07:53 PM
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Re: Marriage issues, need some advise.

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Ask him if he met any of these ladies and what happened.
Oh right, he'll come right out and say if he met them and give her all the details as to what transpired.
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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 11:02 AM
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Re: Marriage issues, need some advise.

OP
A married man meeting women on Tinder is not appropriate. There is no easy way to know how far things have gone - it could range from his seeking validation by having women chat with him to meetings for sex.

I don't have much advice to offer. There is no way you can keep him from doing this sort of thing if he wants to. You have every right to ask for a divorce now or if he does it again - but I don't know if that is best for you.
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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 11:26 AM
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Re: Marriage issues, need some advise.

Cheating (emotionally or physically) is never at the fault of the betrayed spouse. He may not have unzipped his pants just yet, but trust me, it was heading in that direction. You may have just been "lucky" enough to catch it at the beginning stages. If your husband was feeling neglected, surely he could have been mature enough to communicate his needs with you. You are no mind reader, and it seems to me that you go above and beyond to keep your family life intact. Now it's his turn to step up or step out (the RIGHT way).
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 11:31 AM
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Re: Marriage issues, need some advise.

If you decide to go on with this marriage it should come with boundaries for him that you discuss with him that he is not to go onto those sites again looking for women. If he does or is unwilling to submit to such boundaries, you should consider divorcing him. It doesn't look that he intends to change his behavior unless you start the discussion.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 11:34 AM
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Re: Marriage issues, need some advise.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lstrick423 View Post
He become defensive and aggressive.... He got in my face and screamed and well we were stopped at a light he got out of the bar and punched my window.

He said it was because I don't appreciate him. That I don't give him enough attention. He feels like I don't even listen when he speaks.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lstrick423 View Post
This is not the first time an incident similar to this happened. He has reached out to exs in the past for conversation. He also reached out to a sight that was for "conversations" with pretty girls. He always has just the perfect things to tell me.
Sorry that you are here talking to a bunch of strangers. What I quoted really stuck out to me. If I didn't know better, I would say that you have married an abuser. You don't mention any more other than you are afraid to tell your family or friends. Does he yell at you a lot? Does he ever hit you instead of the car?

This is not your fault, I hope you can see that. You are a busy woman that is essentially single, trying to keep everything together while your husband is on deployment. I can totally see that you will not always have the energy to give him all of your attention. But that does not give him a pass to go seeking attention elsewhere.

I would recommend you explore the family help options available from your husbands service. I know the Navy has the Fleet and Family Support Centers, not sure of the other branches. Seek some counseling for yourself so that you have someone to talk to and help you work through issues. I would also consider discussing your husbands behavior and see if he would be willing to attend counseling to work through some of the issues you two appear to be are having.

And if he is hitting you or your baby or emotionally abusing you, please have the courage find help.
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 11:43 AM
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Re: Marriage issues, need some advise.

He sounds like a real winner. Do you feel trapped? When did that feeling start? Before your child was born?

Sounds like a miserable marriage. How often are you two intimate?

If you both are miserable, I suspect one of you will finally cut the cord once the kid is old enough for school. That's when I ended my sham of a marriage. That's about when the "7 year itch" comes into play.

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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 12:52 PM
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Re: Marriage issues, need some advise.

Not only is he being unfaithful to you, he is also being abusive. Screaming in your face and punching your car window is out of line, abuse, and should not be tolerated. He has the nerve to blame YOU for his infidelity, that is a load of crap. Dont bother with counseling, file for divorce ASAP.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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