Jealousy: Good or Bad? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

User Tag List

 114Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 42 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 12:33 PM
Forum Supporter
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 11,319
Cool Re: Jealousy: Good or Bad?

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
But God describes Himself as a "jealous God".
"Jealous" of all of His Children and their choice of either acceptance or rejection of His very presence!


"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
arbitrator is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 42 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 12:40 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
bandit.45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 17,257
Re: Jealousy: Good or Bad?

I guess I think there are righteous forms of jealousy: such as a husband being jealous of a man hitting in his wife. That is a protective instinct.

Then there is the unrighteous jealousy, or envy or maybe covetousness, where one spouse is jealous of the other spouse's career success or jealous of the spouse's ability to be social and make lots of friends, while he or she is a shy wallflower.
bandit.45 is offline  
post #18 of 42 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 12:42 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
bandit.45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 17,257
Re: Jealousy: Good or Bad?

Quote:
Originally Posted by arbitrator View Post
Bandito: Could you elaborate a little bit? I'm not adverse to this philosophy, in fact, it's somewhat opened my eyes; but I think that I might be able to go somewhere with this!
If there was a woman hitting in me at a party... blatantly coming on to me, I would expect my partner to be jealous. In fact I think I would be a bit disappointed if she was not, because that tells me she does not value me or the relationship as much as I would hope.
bandit.45 is offline  
 
post #19 of 42 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 12:55 PM
Forum Supporter
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 11,319
Cool Re: Jealousy: Good or Bad?

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
I guess I think there are righteous forms of jealousy: such as a husband being jealous of a man hitting in his wife. That is a protective instinct.

Then there is the unrighteous jealousy, or envy or maybe covetousness, where one spouse is jealous of the other spouse's career success or jealous of the spouse's ability to be social and make lots of friends, while he or she is a shy wallflower.
Thanks, Bandito!

Jealousy in that she is supposed to be mine and nobody else's, just as I'm supposed to be hers and nobody else's!

The very same goes for the children that we are fortunate to bear!

In both these instances, jealousy can definitely be "good!"

But I am never supposed to be jealous of any of her earthly attributes, just as she is never supposed to be jealous of mine!

But being the earthly inhabitants that we are, doing that might be a totally impossible task!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
arbitrator is online now  
post #20 of 42 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 01:15 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
bandit.45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 17,257
Re: Jealousy: Good or Bad?

Well I then I guess for clarity sake, there needs to be a delineation between jealousy and covetousness.

When I see my partner ogling a rock singer or a really cut, buff guy, I am going to experience a twinge of jealousy. I think that is healthy, because it is a real, honest reaction. It is my instinctive reaction to protect what I feel is mine.

Covetousness or envy, I would say, would be if I were to want another man wife or possessions for myself. Or to want the professional career success my partner has, which would lead to resentment in the marriage.
bandit.45 is offline  
post #21 of 42 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 01:20 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
bandit.45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 17,257
Re: Jealousy: Good or Bad?

Quote:
Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
I see jealousy as almost entirely bad. In a good relationship each person is confident of their partners attraction and affection. Each can trust the other completely so there is no cause for insecurity.
I think this is a reckless mindset, but I respect where you are coming from.

Last edited by bandit.45; 04-04-2017 at 01:41 PM.
bandit.45 is offline  
post #22 of 42 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 01:28 PM
Moderator
 
lifeistooshort's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,423
Re: Jealousy: Good or Bad?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
I agree that there is a difference between jealousy and self respect but, like porn, everyone defines their own difference.

I am familiar with your sitch Life, and in your case it was a question of what your gut instinct was telling you and what boundaries would be considered normal dealing with an exwife and children and ex in laws and trying to keep a big happy family for the sake of the kids. Your husband was walking that line awfully close but considering the other issues his line walking was out of bounds.

How does a person know if their definition of self respect and boundary setting has crossed the line into jealous controlling behavior? My personal answer is that if you must resort to jealous controlling behavior in order to feel secure in your partner's commitment to you, it's not a good relationship. We partner to make us stronger. We partner to give and gain assistance through life. But if that partnership requires constant surveillance it is not a good partnership.

If your spouse has been unfaithful, you shouldn't even attempt to reconcile unless you know that you will be able to trust them again, given enough time to heal and mend. But if you know you're going to be supervising and checking...don't bother to reconcile because the partnership is over and it is now ownership.

Edited to add:
I think a small amount of what many call jealousy, and others call boundary setting is good for a marriage. It shows commitment to the commitment. It shows that you're paying attention because this person is important to you. But more than that is too much.

It's true that this boundary is subjective, though there are social norms that most of us would agree on.

Keep in mind that in my situation there were no "children" that he had to walk a line for. His daughter was grown and many things he did in fact had nothing to do with her. They had to do with poor boundaries and an ex wife who got off on her perceived place in his life. To me, that has nothing to do with insecurities and everything to do with being disrespectful to your current partner.

Him hiring his ex wife to be the realtor when WE went house shopping because he didn't want to hurt her feelings (without discussing it with me, so **** my feelings ) had nothing to do with their grown daughter and everything to do with disrespecting our relationship.

That isn't jealousy, that is disrespect.

To be honest in retrospect I probably should've called off the whole thing off when that happened, but we've since moved past it and the boundaries have been dealt with. If I ever have cause to date again and i see crappy boundaries with exes or anyone else I'm outta there.
lifeistooshort is online now  
post #23 of 42 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:26 PM
Member
 
Anon Pink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 10,148
Re: Jealousy: Good or Bad?

@lifeistooshort

Oops, apparently I didn't remember your sitch as accurately as I thought. I forgot about the ex's manipulation and the daughter's age... So yes, your husband was facing your boundaries not your jealousy.

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry


"Vaginas are tricky creatures." ~Lucy999
Anon Pink is offline  
post #24 of 42 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 03:06 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,380
Re: Jealousy: Good or Bad?

Its probably just the nature of my relationship, but if my wife decides she prefers someone to me, she is free to leave with my blessings.


Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
I think this is a reckless mindset, but I respect where you are coming from.
uhtred is offline  
post #25 of 42 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 03:29 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 531
Re: Jealousy: Good or Bad?

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
I have a question for both men and women: is jealousy in a relationship a good or bad thing....in your opinion?

Jealousy is a negative emotion that provides motivation to fix a perceived threat. In many cases, that can be a good thing.

Are there positive forms of jealousy?

In what marital situations do think some jealousy is appropriate and positive?
Whenever there is a threat to the bond and intimacy in a marriage.

When is jealousy destructive and negative?
When one spouse perceives a threat to the marriage that doesn't exist or is unreasonable.

Is there a place in marriage or a committed relationship for jealousy?
Of course, it's part of human programming to alert us to a perceived threat to the marital relationship that could result in STIs, another man's offspring, competition for resources/survival, etc.


Jessica38 is offline  
post #26 of 42 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 03:32 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 531
Re: Jealousy: Good or Bad?

Quote:
Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
Its probably just the nature of my relationship, but if my wife decides she prefers someone to me, she is free to leave with my blessings.
That's a personal boundary though. What if she did not make that decision but developed a friendship with another man who was attempting to romance her? You'd likely experience negative emotions designed to alert you to a perceived threat to your marriage.
Jessica38 is offline  
post #27 of 42 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:32 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 1,527
Re: Jealousy: Good or Bad?

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
I have a question for both men and women: is jealousy in a relationship a good or bad thing....in your opinion?

Are there positive forms of jealousy?

In what marital situations do think some jealousy is appropriate and positive?

When is jealousy destructive and negative?

Is there a place in marriage or a committed relationship for jealousy?
Jealousy is normal is there is a threat to the relationship. If its out of control and obsessive when there is no reason for it, it needs dealing with.
Diana7 is offline  
post #28 of 42 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:54 PM
Member
 
peacem's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 527
Re: Jealousy: Good or Bad?

I used to get jealous when I was younger - but I really don't feel it anymore. I think age and life experience corrects those irrational thoughts. I don't know....

Dare I say there is a part of me that gets turned on by him checking someone out...because it means he is still a very sexual person. Recently, we were out in the car and there was a woman with NO bra and huge boobs almost running to catch up to someone. They were nearly bouncing out of her top. My husband hit the curb. I was thinking she really, really needs to get a good bra.
peacem is offline  
post #29 of 42 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 05:49 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,534
Re: Jealousy: Good or Bad?

When I read on this forum about some guys wife texting another man and when she is challenged she tells her husband he is insecure and/or jealous I really get annoyed.That is not jealousy on his part it is simply creating boundaries.But it is highly disrespectful of her and I wouldn't put up with it.
Andy1001 is offline  
post #30 of 42 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 06:00 AM
Member
 
heartsbeating's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Batcave
Posts: 7,222
Re: Jealousy: Good or Bad?

I've had moments where my tail has twitched erratically. It has certainly been insecurity-driven on my part. He notices a mile off. And when I haven't been direct about my feelings he's cut to the chase that I have nothing to feel insecure about. He has little tolerance for it and I'm forced to face that side of myself. It's not that often. I've had women give praise about him when he's not around. I've shrugged it off with a laugh and said, 'Eh he's okay..' I have shared those compliments with him. Yeah, I know I've got a good man.

It's rare that he's displayed jealousy in that way. At a social gathering, he came back to the table and I introduced the guy talking to me. Afterwards we were reflecting on parts of the conversation, as it was interesting. He passed comment that it can take a lot for a guy to talk to a beautiful woman like me. I laughed, 'Whah?!' ...He nodded. There wasn't jealousy though. Pathetic as it sounds, I was left with the warm-fuzzy that he viewed me that way. If he felt someone was out-of-line, that's when his protectiveness emerges, but not derived from jealousy.

We've not experienced envy when the other shines bright... if anything, we encourage it.

Music belongs in a place with hearts beating and brains dreaming and people falling in love. - J.Buckley
heartsbeating is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
financial abuse...how bad is this? Feels pretty horrible bsvanilla2 General Relationship Discussion 75 10-09-2016 06:35 AM
Having a bad night. Insecure about my husband's love for me. EllaSuaveterre General Relationship Discussion 16 10-03-2016 06:55 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome