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post #31 of 49 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 08:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The confusion of it all

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Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
You are a talker not a doer and your wife knows this very well.
I know I've become more of a talker than a doer over the course of our problems. I was never like that before and it's something that now that I realize it, I'm working to change it.

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post #32 of 49 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 08:36 AM
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Re: The confusion of it all

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It does make sense. And the main reason I have been backing off lately and not pushing any issues is because she's told me that she needs to feel peace and to feel comfortable with our relationship again before she feels she can start trying to work on things. After reading and posting on these forums, and reading other articles and books, I do see where I have gone wrong trying to work on things and I understand that now. Lately when we do talk about things I don't offer up my opinion as easily and openly as I used to, instead I just listen to her. If she asks a question or asks for any opinion I do give it to her, but I'm not as free with my thoughts as I used to be. Since I've been doing that I have seen a difference, but like I said, it's the random mood swings for no known reason that throw me off.

Personally I have dropped all expectations of her other than the typical things regarding our house and our son. That has seemed to help a lot with my attitude. I have told her that she needs to do the same, but as must as she's agreed I don't think she has. Her thinking always seems to revert back to thinking about how I used to be in the past before I really started making an effort for all this. I do plan on giving things some more time, most likely through the summer and fall, we always seem to spend the most time together and have the most fun together during the spring, summer and early fall, so I'll see what happens through then and go from there.
Great stuff.

Out of curiosity, what's an example of how you used to offer your opinion up in the past?

Thanks
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post #33 of 49 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 08:57 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The confusion of it all

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Great stuff.

Out of curiosity, what's an example of how you used to offer your opinion up in the past?

Thanks
Basically if she was telling me about a problem at work or venting about a person at work, I'd offer up my opinion of how she could try and "fix" it or I'd give her my opinion of the person she was venting about. A lot of that revolved around her job, she loves her job but has been very stressed over it and very over worked. I think she's always felt that as a young female attorney that she's needed to prove herself and go above and beyond in everything. But her firm has also made a lot of promises to her that they haven't followed through with which really bothers me because I know how hard she works. I have told her during conversations how I think they're taking advantage of her and she needs to step up and say something and have always given her my honest thoughts on all of this, which in turn always started an argument about how I just don't understand "her world".

Ironically enough, she just got a new job at a different firm, basically because of all the failed promises and everything else over the years. She was talking about all of it with myself and a friend the other night and all the reasons she talked about of why she was leaving were almost word for word what I've been telling her the last couple years. I just sat there listening and thinking to myself "really, when I said that I was mean and didn't understand your world" lol, but no I didn't say anything, I just listened. She did look over at me a couple times while she was talking almost looking for a reaction from me about what she was saying but I didn't have one.

She's always been a very strong minded person. It's something I always loved about her and admired, up until it started getting in the way of our communication and relationship. But again, that's one of the reason I've stopped offering up my opinion on things unless I'm asked for it. I understand now that when she talks or vents about things that are bothering her, she not looking for an opinion or a solution, she just needs to vent and I need to stop trying to fix things that I have no control over.
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post #34 of 49 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:09 PM
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Re: The confusion of it all

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Basically if she was telling me about a problem at work or venting about a person at work, I'd offer up my opinion of how she could try and "fix" it or I'd give her my opinion of the person she was venting about. A lot of that revolved around her job, she loves her job but has been very stressed over it and very over worked. I think she's always felt that as a young female attorney that she's needed to prove herself and go above and beyond in everything. But her firm has also made a lot of promises to her that they haven't followed through with which really bothers me because I know how hard she works. I have told her during conversations how I think they're taking advantage of her and she needs to step up and say something and have always given her my honest thoughts on all of this, which in turn always started an argument about how I just don't understand "her world".

Ironically enough, she just got a new job at a different firm, basically because of all the failed promises and everything else over the years. She was talking about all of it with myself and a friend the other night and all the reasons she talked about of why she was leaving were almost word for word what I've been telling her the last couple years. I just sat there listening and thinking to myself "really, when I said that I was mean and didn't understand your world" lol, but no I didn't say anything, I just listened. She did look over at me a couple times while she was talking almost looking for a reaction from me about what she was saying but I didn't have one.

She's always been a very strong minded person. It's something I always loved about her and admired, up until it started getting in the way of our communication and relationship. But again, that's one of the reason I've stopped offering up my opinion on things unless I'm asked for it. I understand now that when she talks or vents about things that are bothering her, she not looking for an opinion or a solution, she just needs to vent and I need to stop trying to fix things that I have no control over.
Yup, I'm glad you've learnt the lesson.

When women offload their problems, generally they are saying "listen to me and show me you care and understand". Most men fail badly at this and it's no wonder arguments start all the time!

Anyway, keep learning my friend. You're doing great. It's a painful process but it's worth it in the long run - I promise.

Cheers
Sri
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post #35 of 49 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 09:38 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The confusion of it all

So just a little vent here and I guess an update to things, lol. My wife has been away for the past week with a friend on a trip the two of them had been trying to plan for about 10 years and just never found the time to take. Personally I did feel it was a good idea to get away with one of her best and oldest friends, I figure that with everything going on in our relationship it would be a nice break for both of us and it would give her a chance to relax and reset.

So the day she left for her trip was her birthday, so the night before we celebrated, nothing crazy, just us, our son and a close friend. I don't think she really expected anything given how things have been and the fact that months ago she had pretty much completely blown off my birthday. So we were just sitting around having a couple drinks and I whispered to my son to go get mommies present and her birthday cards. He did and kind of snuck up on her and gave them to her, he then told her to wait to open them until after the cake. She opened her present, which was really from our son, and read his card and gave him big hugs, kisses and thank him. Then she opened the card from me, again nothing crazy or romantic, just a nice card with a message in it about how proud of her I am because of her new job that she's excited about, how I think this is going to be a great year for her, and that I loved her. She read the card, put it down and continued right with the conversation we were having prior, no smile, thank you, kiss....nothing. It didn't phase me much because her attitude towards pretty much anything I've said or done recently has been fairly dismissive most of the time. It did bother me a little that she basically didn't acknowledge anything, but whatever.

So the next morning she left for her trip and it's just been me and our young son for the week. Since she's been gone I have not initiated any conversation with her, my feelings were to just let her be and relax. Surprisingly she has been texting every morning "good morning", we'd chat a little bit about what her plans for the day are and anything going on at home that was interesting and that would be it. Occasionally through the course of each day she would text asking how my day was going or sending me a picture of her, I would respond but the same as I have been doing, minimally. As the week went on our conversations when she texted got better and we'd chat longer. There were a couple times when the conversation was going well and she'd say something and the timing was right so I'd throw out a flirty little comment about what she said. And as usual, the comment would be dismissed and she'd either change topics or just go right on with the conversation. Again, it didn't phase me much since that's just the way things have been but I had figured the timing and mood of the conversation was right so I threw out the comments. We were chatting last night before bed and I had asked her if she was sad that it was the last night of her trip, she said no that she was ready to come home and felt good. I told her that was great and that I'm happy that she'll be home again, she replied back "thank you" but that was it.

The one thing that has bothered me a little bit has been how she hasn't seemed to want to talk to our son since she's been gone. She Skyped with him the first day she was gone and she asked how he was doing when we'd text, but that was it. Typically when she's away or we're away together without him she Skypes with him everyday and sometimes calls to talk to him each day as well, but not this time. The only real reason this all bothers me is it just seems like she totally disconnected herself from her life for a week, which don't get me wrong I do feel it was a good thing for her, but it's just odd that she hasn't wanted to talk to him at least.

So now she'll be home from her trip tonight and I'm really curious to see how things will be. Things had been improving some before she left, but I'm not expecting much. What I'm even more curious about it how next week will be. Our son is off from school and going to stay at my in-laws for the week because we both have to work. This is another reason why her not seeming to want to talk to our bothers me, she's been away for a week and now he's going to be away for a week. I'd think that she'd want to get as much time with him as she could but it doesn't seem that way. But anyway, I'm curious to see how next week will be when it's just her and I with no kid and no kid responsibilities. I'm not planning anything but I think I will throw out there a couple times of meeting up for dinner or drinks after work. Just something to get the two of us out of the house together and acting like adults, lol. But we'll see how things go, hopefully they go better than they have been.
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post #36 of 49 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 10:14 AM
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Re: The confusion of it all

Her detachment from your son is concerning. I don't think your plan to back off is going to work here. I hope I'm wrong, but it seems to me like you're losing her. The two of you have serious issues concerning infidelity and likely a lot of hurt surrounding that. You need to get back to your MC, or another marital coach who can help you guys heal and restore intimacy in your marriage. Your plan isn't working. She's trying to detach from you, is how it seems to me.
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post #37 of 49 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 10:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The confusion of it all

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Her detachment from your son is concerning. I don't think your plan to back off is going to work here. I hope I'm wrong, but it seems to me like you're losing her. The two of you have serious issues concerning infidelity and likely a lot of hurt surrounding that. You need to get back to your MC, or another marital coach who can help you guys heal and restore intimacy in your marriage. Your plan isn't working. She's trying to detach from you, is how it seems to me.
But see that's the odd thing about this past week, we've not only texted more with each other during the day then we have been recently, but the we've been having actual conversations about things and she's been the one to initiate all of it. So in a sense it feels like since she's been away she has been trying to reconnect with me on a certain level more than she has been, but yes the lack of communication with our son does bother me. Maybe she did need just a week away to relax her mind and kind of disconnect herself from everything and only concentrate on herself. I mean really, from time to time it's good for everyone's mental health to just completely detach from their realities for a little. I guess I'll see what happens and how things go when she gets back tonight.
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post #38 of 49 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:18 PM
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Re: The confusion of it all

That is all well and good, but when you took it a flirty direction, there was no response.

You do not hold any romantic interest for her; you are her roommate; someone she can have friendly text chat with...you are in the friend zone.

Jessica is right about one thing: your marriage is on life support.

Sorry, brother, but I am not real optimistic at this point.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley

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post #39 of 49 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 11:54 AM
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That is all well and good, but when you took it a flirty direction, there was no response.

You do not hold any romantic interest for her; you are her roommate
Yep.
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post #40 of 49 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 12:52 PM
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Re: The confusion of it all

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That is all well and good, but when you took it a flirty direction, there was no response.

You do not hold any romantic interest for her; you are her roommate; someone she can have friendly text chat with...you are in the friend zone.

Jessica is right about one thing: your marriage is on life support.

Sorry, brother, but I am not real optimistic at this point.
Your wife appears to be suffering from an extreme case of ILYBINILWY syndrome.

I agree with farside and Jessica that your marriage is on life support, and your wife may be getting ready to pull the plug.

Since she is an attorney, I would speak to an attorney first, one who doesn't know her. Let him/her explain all your options, then file. You're already in an adversarial relationship.

There's nothing wrong with a sneak attack to blindside her.

Good luck.

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post #41 of 49 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 01:10 PM
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I wouldn't give up because your wife is not in love. You can turn it around but you need help and a plan.

You're in the phase that they talk about when they say marriage is hard work.

Couples who've been married for decades typically hit a period where they fall out of love. The ones who stay married get through it.

But you really have to want it and be willing to do the work.
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post #42 of 49 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 02:31 PM
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Re: The confusion of it all

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I wouldn't give up because your wife is not in love. You can turn it around but you need help and a plan.

You're in the phase that they talk about when they say marriage is hard work.

Couples who've been married for decades typically hit a period where they fall out of love. The ones who stay married get through it.

But you really have to want it and be willing to do the work.
They have been down the MC road and she blew it off after a few meetings. It takes two to tango.Why squander good money on shopping around for another MC, when she's not interested.

Best bet is to apply that money towards a damn good divorce
attorney.

Time is too short on this planet to waste it on someone who's not willing to meet him halfway.
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post #43 of 49 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 02:39 PM
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Re: The confusion of it all

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But you really have to want it and be willing to do the work.
If she doesn't really, truly want it, you will see it in her eyes... up to that point believe in everything your relationship can deliver.

After that point, and those eyes tell you she is gone, let go of all you cannot control... and commit to it.

It's a painful walk to get through it, but if she truly doesn't want to be there with and for you, letting go is better for you both.

Love yourself more at all times... you will succeed no matter where your path leads.

नमस्ते 🙏
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post #44 of 49 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 04:17 PM
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Re: The confusion of it all

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They have been down the MC road and she blew it off after a few meetings. It takes two to tango.Why squander good money on shopping around for another MC, when she's not interested.

Best bet is to apply that money towards a damn good divorce
attorney.

Time is too short on this planet to waste it on someone who's not willing to meet him halfway.
The OP admits he contributed to the issues in the marriage. An EA can be very damaging. I think he owes it to his wife to have the "I'm unhappy, we either go back to MC/marital coaching, or we part ways" talk. In this whole thread, I see him trying to make it better but not communicating to her that he's at the end of his rope (unless I'm mistaken?).
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post #45 of 49 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 09:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The confusion of it all

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That is all well and good, but when you took it a flirty direction, there was no response.

You do not hold any romantic interest for her; you are her roommate; someone she can have friendly text chat with...you are in the friend zone.

Jessica is right about one thing: your marriage is on life support.

Sorry, brother, but I am not real optimistic at this point.
I get it and I feel the same way. However, she returned from her trip Friday night and her attitude towards me and our relationship seem totally different. It hasn't magically changed or anything but her responses to things are totally on the positive side. It's a little weird, but I'm going to roll with it and see what happens. Maybe a week anyway gave her time to think about things, clear her head and relax. We'll see how it goes.
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