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post #46 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 09:14 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The confusion of it all

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The OP admits he contributed to the issues in the marriage. An EA can be very damaging. I think he owes it to his wife to have the "I'm unhappy, we either go back to MC/marital coaching, or we part ways" talk. In this whole thread, I see him trying to make it better but not communicating to her that he's at the end of his rope (unless I'm mistaken?).
No, I have told her a few times that if things don't start to change that I'm done. During one of our conversations shortly after I saw the text from the other man I told her that I thought it was time to talk to attorneys. When she ask me why, I told her about getting a divorce. That was when I started to see things start to change in a positive way. She still has mood swings and there are good and bad days, but I have seen some improvement in her.

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post #47 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 09:29 AM
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Re: The confusion of it all

Brother, unless you are going to turn over a new leaf with regards to transparency, the two of you will have built the proper foundation.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #48 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 09:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The confusion of it all

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Brother, unless you are going to turn over a new leaf with regards to transparency, the two of you will have built the proper foundation.
All I can say right now is that since she got back from vacation this past Friday things have been totally different, and in a good way. I don't want to have any talks about our issues or what we need to do about them just yet. I need to see how things go and if they stay on the same path as they seem to be right now. I think that if I bring things up right now it may just push her back again like it has before. There will be a long talk at some time in the near future but knowing her and how she reacts to things, it has to be at the right time and it can't be forced.
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post #49 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 02:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The confusion of it all

Wow, I'm confused all over again LOL. I know I just said earlier that things have been totally different since my wife got back from vacation, and they really have. And it's because of that and what I just found that really confuses me.

So she had been away and came back Friday night, our son has off from school this week so he's staying with my in-laws for a week. My in-laws live 8 hours away from us and I drove in there this past weekend, I drove up Saturday and back Sunday. My wife had told me when she first told me I had to take him there, that she wasn't going to go for the ride. She said that she was going to have too much work to get caught up on since she had been away for a week. Then when she got back on Friday night, she was talking about how she wanted to get the house in order and the guest room cleaned up for when her parents bring our son back and stay a few days for Easter. This struck me as odd since it was a different reason than what she originally told me. When we were saying goodbye before I left for her parents she then told me that she really just wasn't in the mood to go. So now I have 3 different stories, and it seems the last one was the truth. But really, why lie, I don't care if she didn't want to go, I didn't want to go.

So know here's the real confusion. With all the BS that's been going on, before I left for my trip, I set up a hidden camera in the bedroom connected to our surveillance system. I also disconnected the feed from the DVR to the TV so if she tried to look at it, she wouldn't be able to see anything and possibly think the system wasn't on. So everything is still recording but there's no way she can see any of the video feeds to see that I added the bedroom camera. I also left a VAR hidden in the kitchen, in our house any time anyone ever comes over at some point or another they're always in the kitchen, so I'm covered. I have a camera on my driveway, one on my front door, one on the back door and now one in the bedroom.

So this afternoon I go to check the video. I bring up the playback screen and select Saturday's date. The screen shows 1 hour blocks that you can pick to start from and those blocks show up green if there is recorded video. So I bring up the screen, and from 4pm to 10pm on Saturday shows no recorded video. So I go to 3:30 and fast forward, around 5 to 4 I see her in front of the TV looking around and then she walks away. She comes back a minute later, climbs up on something, reaches behind the TV and the feed goes out, she unplugged the cameras. Right after that the video starts again at 10:15pm with her stepping down after plugging them back in. So I run downstairs to get the VAR, I download the audio because it's easier to listen to and mark things on my laptop. I didn't have much time so I jumped around it at 15-20 minute intervals, if I didn't hear any voices within 30 seconds I jumped again. I heard when I walked out the door to leave on my trip and I heard her on the phone with me around 10:30 at night, all I heard between those two times were my one dog walking around his cage. The dog is only in the cage when we're not home because he's still a puppy and still loves to get into trouble. I do need to listen to every second of the recording but from what I've heard so far it sounds like she left the house.

When I talked to her that night I asked her what she ended up doing because she had told me that a couple different friends and wanted to get together with her, and she told me she didn't go out anywhere other than to run a couple errands. So the big question and confusion now is if she did leave the house, which it seems like she did because I haven't heard anything on the VAR, why unplug the cameras? Hearing that the dog was in his cage tells me that she definitely left the house. She told me that she was probably going to run a couple errands. But why disconnect the cameras? The only thing that I can think of, and if you go back through the thread you can see the post, a few weeks ago she made all kinds of accusations at me about how she "knows" I'm spying on her, and even though I proved her wrong on all of the accusations she still told me she didn't believe me. So could she just be testing me again? I don't know, but once again I'm not telling her that I know what I know and I'm just collecting evidence. My next step is to find the opportunity to get into her phone again and see if there's anything there.
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post #50 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-28-2017, 07:28 PM
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Re: The confusion of it all

AME,

Care to update given your recent posts on other threads?

Cheers,
V(13)
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post #51 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-29-2017, 02:03 AM
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Re: The confusion of it all

Tried couples counseling! Counseling is the best way to bring your declining relation back to the loving state.
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post #52 of 64 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 01:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The confusion of it all

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AME,

Care to update given your recent posts on other threads?

Cheers,
V(13)
Well surprisingly since Easter things have been pretty good up until recently when her dismissive attitude started coming back. I had thought that things really were finally on the right track. Since my last post I have gone through the audio from the VARís and there was nothing, I heard her walking around and leaving the house. Looking at the video again I can see that car had moved and I did hear her come back into the house later and the sound of rustling plastic bags. So once again there is no evidence of anything going on other than just really odd behavior so maybe unplugging the cameras was another test to see if Iíd say something proving to her that I was spying on her, I donít know.

She started a new job and has been very happy and hasnít seemed as depressed as she had been. The ironic thing is that her old job was the number one source of our arguments. Sheís an incredibly hard worker and always puts in the extra effort, she always feels that as a woman in a male dominated field that she always needs to go that extra mile to prove herself. For years her old firm told her things and made promises that they never followed through on and it upset me as much as it upset her. My mistake was that I always voiced my opinion about how I felt they were taking advantage of her to her. She always told me that I just didnít understand how her industry worked and that I just donít get it. Thatís where the irony comes into play, all the reasons that she left and everything I heard her tell other people about why she left her old firm were the exact things that Iíve been telling her for years that always started arguments. I didnít say anything when I heard her say these things recently because I didnít want to start anything, I just kind of laughed it off to myself. I am extremely proud of her and I have let her know that and Iím happy that she made the move and seems happy about it. Our relationship and conversations really did improve and it started to feel like a relationship again up until about a week ago.

I had surgery and was pretty much immobile for a few days. It was an outpatient procedure so she brought me to the hospital and then went out for lunch with a friend but was back just as I was coming out of anesthesia. She brought me home, got me settled in and then went out to run errands. Our son was with my parents and they dropped him off around 7:00pm that night, she didnít get home until about a half hour after that. The next day after our son got on the bus she went to the gym, when she got back she got changed and went to meet a friend for lunch and then make a couple other stops. She picked up our son from school, made her stops and again got home after 7:00pm. That weekend was pretty much the same thing, take our son to his sports and then run errands, some with him and some without him but each day not returning home until early evening. There was nothing suspicious about her being gone all the time but I did think it was odd that here I am not really able to move around the first two days and then fairly limited the next two and she was never there. Iím not saying that I thought I shouldíve had constant attention or anything but at least be around a little bit but she wasnít. I didnít say anything about this to her because I knew it would just cause an argument.

The day I went back to work her dismissive attitude towards me started to come back. I didnít say anything and just kept doing what I needed to do. We spent the following Friday night together having drinks, talking and laughing, the following night we had friends over and it was like I wasnít even there. Anything I said to her got dismissed, during conversations if I said something she would then say something basically changing topics from what I was talking about, if I put my arm around her or something she would quickly think of something she needed to get and walk away, it was just odd considering things had been better.

The following morning she started an argument about where something was for our son. I told her where I last saw it but she was basically yelling at me because I didnít know where it was. Then the argument took a turn towards us and she asked me what my problem was with her. I really had no intentions of starting anything and I am a little upset with myself that I let her get to me but I told her that Iím tired of her dismissive, unaffectionate, withdrawn attitude towards me and I was just done. She asked what I meant by how I said I was done and asked if I was leaving her. I told her that I was getting close to that and that Iím tired of her always treating me like I did something wrong and that I need to make it up to her when I havenít done anything wrong. And then I told her how for the past year she has been the one causing the problems and not me but she keeps either throwing it back on me or giving me the attitude that I did something wrong and itís my job to fix it. I ended the conversation with how Iím just tired of it and I canít keep living like this.

Since then we havenít really spoken much, just household and things about our son. I know that I shouldnít have said what I said because I knew it would just cause more problems but at the same time Iím happy I said it. Iím not going to apologize for it, Iím not going to try and smooth things over, Iím just going to keep living my life and see how things progress.
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post #53 of 64 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 02:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The confusion of it all

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Tried couples counseling! Counseling is the best way to bring your declining relation back to the loving state.


We had gone to counseling back when things first got bad. We went to four sessions and then she told me she didnít want to go because she didnít believe in it and just wasnít comfortable being there. Both myself and our counselor could tell that she wasnít being completely open and didnít want to be there in the first place. I didnít really argue with her about not wanting to go anymore, if both people donít share an interest in counseling itís kind of pointless.
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post #54 of 64 (permalink) Old 05-02-2017, 03:06 AM
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Re: The confusion of it all

Your wife hates you. There's no ILYBINILWY. There's no L at all. And there won't be. You are doing the 180 correctly except for one HUGE mistake: She's not coming back. I don't know why it's implied that they can. They don't. And I see no reason to believe you will be the exception.

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Her thinking always seems to revert back to thinking about how I used to be in the past before I really started making an effort for all this.
BINGO! Good luck changing that. It will always be there. The fear. It will never go way. And EVERYTHING you do confirms that you will not change. Protect yourself brother. If she doesn't love you , she's not REAL concerned about your happiness. Plan accordingly.
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post #55 of 64 (permalink) Old 05-02-2017, 02:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The confusion of it all

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Your wife hates you. There's no ILYBINILWY. There's no L at all. And there won't be. You are doing the 180 correctly except for one HUGE mistake: She's not coming back. I don't know why it's implied that they can. They don't. And I see no reason to believe you will be the exception.



BINGO! Good luck changing that. It will always be there. The fear. It will never go way. And EVERYTHING you do confirms that you will not change. Protect yourself brother. If she doesn't love you , she's not REAL concerned about your happiness. Plan accordingly.
Well the interesting thing is that since I pulled the 180, she has been coming back. Yes there are still issues, issues that are not that easy to just push aside, but for the most part her attitude has changed for the better. All the BS she seems to being pulling now seems be a test to see if I'll get upset or start questioning her or whatever. She's seen and acknowledged the changes in me and I have done the same with her. Yes I still question if the changes in her are real just like she does with me, only she chooses to test me to see if they really are real. Nothing happened in our marriage that was a total deal breaker. We both caught each other texting and chatting with other people, we both disconnected because of the others attitude, and we both failed at communicating our feelings.

I have planned accordingly and am ready to be on my own again if that is the way things ultimately end up. During all of this I have been working on my personal finances, down to how much child support will be and the split of our assets. Other than missing seeing my son everyday, the transition into single life will be relatively seamless at this point. But with the changes I have seen from her compared to the way things between us were, there has been a major improvement.

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post #56 of 64 (permalink) Old 05-02-2017, 02:33 PM
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Re: The confusion of it all

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Well the interesting thing is that since I pulled the 180, she has been coming back. Yes there are still issues, issues that are not that easy to just push aside, but for the most part her attitude has changed for the better. All the BS she seems to being pulling now seems be a test to see if I'll get upset or start questioning her or whatever. She's seen and acknowledged the changes in me and I have done the same with her. Yes I still question if the changes in her are real just like she does with me, only she chooses to test me to see if they really are real. Nothing happened in our marriage that was a total deal breaker. We both caught each other texting and chatting with other people, we both disconnected because of the others attitude, and we both failed at communicating our feelings.

I have planned accordingly and am ready to be on my own again if that is the way things ultimately end up. During all of this I have been working on my personal finances, down to how much child support will be and the split of our assets. Other than missing seeing my son everyday, the transition into single life will be relatively seamless at this point. But with the changes I have seen from her compared to the way things between us were, there has been a major improvement.
Is this all since yesterday, because your post from yesterday afternoon doesn't reflect any of this.

Your feelings about your marriage seem to yo-yo depending on how your wife is treating you That Moment. Do you think that's fair or am I reading things wrong?
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post #57 of 64 (permalink) Old 05-02-2017, 02:42 PM
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Re: The confusion of it all

Maybe this is about the best the two of you are capable of.
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post #58 of 64 (permalink) Old 05-02-2017, 02:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The confusion of it all

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Is this all since yesterday, because your post from yesterday afternoon doesn't reflect any of this.

Your feelings about your marriage seem to yo-yo depending on how your wife is treating you That Moment. Do you think that's fair or am I reading things wrong?
No this is not all since yesterday, my post from yesterday is from the last week, before that things have improved a lot. But as much as they may have improved they still are not great and no where near what a marriage should be. My point in my last post is that as much as there are still problems in my marriage and there have still been ups and downs, there has also been improvements, more so then there have been problems.
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post #59 of 64 (permalink) Old 05-02-2017, 02:49 PM
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Re: The confusion of it all

Too Good to Leave is a great book. It helped me think. I'm still too chickenhearted to do what I want to but the book is good.
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post #60 of 64 (permalink) Old 05-02-2017, 03:48 PM
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Re: The confusion of it all

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Well the interesting thing is that since I pulled the 180, she has been coming back.
Please understand that I am not just trying to win an argument. I LIVED this. I went through months of trying to make myself a better person. Same as you. She was playing along. But I'm not perfect. I slipped up. As soon as I did, she ripped me a new one. That's when I realized they don't come back with the 180. They're just happy your not pestering them and everything is nice nice. You're happy, they're happy...

Go ahead. Shake things up. Not in a bad way. In a "I'm glad things are so cool right now, but it still gets a little bad sometimes. Let's talk about it" way. Make it a little more serious than playing nice with each other and see what happens. I hope I'm wrong. I hope she plays along and tries to better your relationship. Counseling? More time together? Better sex? Something.

But,"hey, this is nice not having to deal with the fact that our marriage is over" can work too. Just be sure you know what you're dealing with.

Good luck.
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