General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I don’t quite know where to begin. I’ve been with my husband for almost 15 years, and we have 2 young children. He’s 9 years older than me, and we started dating when I was 21. I feel that even though he is older, I am much more responsible than he. I am constantly trying to save and budget, and all he wants to do is spend. I am career and education focused, and he thinks school is a waste of time. There have been many times in the past 10 years that I’ve mentioned going to law school, and he always says, “Oh, that’s such a waste of time. (Now it’s…) You’ll never have any time for the kids.” It seems that our lives are moving in different directions, and I don’t know if I want to continue to be with him. Throughout our marriage there have been instances, that I have blocked from my memory, in which he made my needs seem unimportant. We haven’t had sex in almost 3 years, and I don’t want to. It’s not that I don’t want to have sex (because I DO!), just not with him. I’m not attracted to him in that way anymore because of the way he makes me feel. I’ve talked to him about it, but I just don’t see it changing. I am afraid of going out on my own. We are friends and things are amicable between us, we go on vacation together with the kids, we go out to dinner and family functions with the kids, but never just the two of us. We sleep in separate bedrooms and we watch television in different rooms. I’m afraid of being alone. I don’t need a man to define who I am, but I want someone to share my life with. I would like to be with someone that I enjoy spending time with, someone who supports me in my choices, and someone who doesn’t belittle my aspirations. I’ve never cheated on him, but I think now I understand why some people do. I don’t feel comfortable carrying on a relationship behind someone’s back, and I don’t think that I would. I’m just so afraid of separation or divorce, but I don’t know how much longer I can live without intimacy! Any advice that you have would be greatly appreciated.
How did you survive life before you guys married/ moved in together?
I imagine that you'd be able to handle yourself just as well.
I dont know what to say to you to help motivate you to get over your fear, and just file for divorce already.
Just know that its all in your head, and in your current situation you know that you will never be a lawyer, or this, or that. You will be whatever you have to be for him, and thats a pathetic existence, IMO.
If you leave him.... what stops you from doing the things you want to do?
I guess you are right, I am alone. We started dating when I was 21, we were friends for a year before that. I was in college, lived at home, and we moved in together a year later. So for the majority of my adult life we've been together. We have young children and they adore him. He is a good father. Right now he's been out of work for over a year and I support the household. He still gets unemployment which helps supplement, but he is having a diificult time finding a job. Financially, we can't afford to part ways. Aside from that, it's a very scary leap to take. Posted via Mobile Device
In your case, you pretty much are alone, either you saying you are going to leave will improve the marriage, or your marriage is over anyway.
If you do separate, you need to learn to be happy alone, satisfied alone, enjoy being alone, before you can be happy in a relationship. When you're happy with yourself, then healthy relationships can form. You won't feel trapped in a bad relationship because there won't be a fear there that you HAVE to stay.
That's what's going on now. You don't want to be married to this guy anymore, not because he's a bad person but because there is no relationship there. Your needs are not being met. The only thing keeping you from moving on is fear, fear of being alone. Confront that fear, it will make your future decisions easier.
I hope your husband does turn it around though, you owe it a shot to try and make it work. Have you suggested MC? Written a letter about how you feel? As Dr. Phil would say, you have to earn your way out of a marriage (where you committed your life to someone). Don't bottle up your feelings for years and then just say "I'm leaving." You have an obligation to make your needs known clearly and specifically and give your husband a chance to meet those needs.
Also, as a man giving advice to a woman, don't think that the hints or implications that you give out are clear signs to him. You need to very clearly and specifically state what your needs are. Don't say things like, "I need you to spend more time with me." Say something like, "I need you to spend 30 minutes with me before bed talking about our day." Don't say, "Be more romantic." Say something like, "I need you to initiate a romantic act (flowers, cards, letters) at least once a week."
I just wonder who is the one who is leaving whom. Whose idea was it to be separate already. I suppose yours. You really have to make your mind up. Youre so sure he cant 'change' and be what you want. Just remember he once was.
Afraid of leaving my husband... 
