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post #136 of 323 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 12:39 PM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

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@EleGirl Great idea.

Here's an article that might be helpful: http://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/p...-relief?page=1
Turmeric should always be combined with black pepper.
I take the capsules, and never use it with black pepper. It still works great for me, even without pepper.

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post #137 of 323 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 02:01 PM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

@Justtryingtosurvive, have you tried any of these anti-inflammatory herbs or spices to help you with the pain and healing? If not, I would highly recommend you give it a try. They don't have negative side effects, but are food based remedies that have other benefits for your body as well as pain relief.

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I take the capsules, and never use it with black pepper. It still works great for me, even without pepper.
Many turmeric or curcumin (the active ingredient in turmeric) include black pepper or bioperine (the active ingredient in black pepper). Your turmeric supplement may have black pepper in it. Turmeric will still work without black pepper, but the black pepper activates the curcuminin in the turmeric making it more effective.


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post #138 of 323 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 02:16 PM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

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Many turmeric or curcumin (the active ingredient in turmeric) include black pepper or bioperine (the active ingredient in black pepper). Your turmeric supplement may have black pepper in it. Turmeric will still work without black pepper, but the black pepper activates the curcuminin in the turmeric making it more effective.
Possibly. But it isn't listed as an ingredient on the bottle. I do know other people who use turmeric/curcumin and do not use black pepper because it is an irritant, and have had good results with it on its own.



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post #139 of 323 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 12:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

They have me on muscle relaxers but it isn't quite the same and I can take Advil ext but again not quite the same or enough but alas those are the rules I gotta live by and I made that choice long ago. Her parents called today and asked rather calmly if I would be ok with meeting them for lunch on Saturday to talk and I told them I would get back to them and let them know by tomorrow night. Not sure what good it will do to meet up with them right now and while meeting in public would probably keep them on their best behavior not sure what good it would do like I said. Also talked with my family about the nanny issue and they told me not to look into one that they wanted to watch him which is what I figured but I told them if it becomes too much that I wanted them to tell me right away and I would get a nanny.
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post #140 of 323 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 01:55 AM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

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They have me on muscle relaxers but it isn't quite the same and I can take Advil ext but again not quite the same or enough but alas those are the rules I gotta live by and I made that choice long ago. Her parents called today and asked rather calmly if I would be ok with meeting them for lunch on Saturday to talk and I told them I would get back to them and let them know by tomorrow night. Not sure what good it will do to meet up with them right now and while meeting in public would probably keep them on their best behavior not sure what good it would do like I said. Also talked with my family about the nanny issue and they told me not to look into one that they wanted to watch him which is what I figured but I told them if it becomes too much that I wanted them to tell me right away and I would get a nanny.
You are doing well to stay clear of certain drugs. I hope you are able to find something that will give you some relief without danger or side effects. Turmeric is really good for your body overall. I take it almost daily in my green smoothies along with a couple other things I mix together.

You might want to give the grandparents a chance to apologize, but if they start going down an offensive road you could just get up and leave. It's okay to let them know that their comments are not acceptable and that you no longer trust them. I'm sorry they have literally added insult to injury. I hope they get their heads straightened out and can be a support to you and good grandparents, but at the moment I wouldn't trust them either.

It's good that you have a loving and supportive family. Your son will be well loved and cared for while you are working. I'm personally looking forward to playing with my granddaughter in the morning. She's a little piece of sunshine. It sounds like your parents feel exactly the same way about your son.


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post #141 of 323 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 09:00 AM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

My first reaction is to not meet with them. They are not on your side right now, which makes any meeting dangerous. Who knows if they are trying to entrap you somehow? Maybe get you to talk about your drug history while secretly recording you, which they might think they could use against you to get custody. Maybe they just want to plead with you to let them have the kids. Perhaps they want to apologize, but they can do that on the phone. Maybe they plan to schmooze you as part of a longer term strategy to get you to agree to them having custody. I would be very suspicious of their motives right now, and proceed under the assumption that no matter what they say or how they act, it is part of a strategy to get custody.
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post #142 of 323 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 10:12 AM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

If you decide not to meet with them, you could tell them to put whatever they have to say in writing and you will decide if there is a need for further discussion or not. I'd also throw in there that their threats have caused you to severely distrust them, their judgment, and whether they really have your son's best interests at heart.


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post #143 of 323 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 11:13 AM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

I wouldn't let these people within a country mile of me or my child. The stakes are simply too high.
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post #144 of 323 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 12:04 PM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

Bring a witness if you do meet. I am with Thor as I've seen these things go sideways. Do not respond to ANY questions about your past drug use, fights or anything which may make you appear to be an unstable parent. If it heads in this direction immediately leave, in a calm manner, with zero answers.
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post #145 of 323 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 01:22 PM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

Kept up with your thread a little.
I worry about your past addiction.

You getting clean, getting a degree, getting a job, and not taking pain medicine in order to ensure you stay sober---// that's impressive to me.

I do hate that the grandparents can't tell their side. But I do know that some people are just *******s.

One doesn't just swoop in and demand a man's son. They should have better sense than that.

You seem to be reasonable. I've read your posts carefully and your logic is sound.

I just want to tell you I hope everything turns out ok. If you eventually can allow the kids grandparents back in his life, that's great. If they're a couple of looneybirds--- don't feel guilty about excluding them.
I would not even consider talking to them or letting them see your son for a while. They've proven that they are strictly interested in taking your son. You don't need that worry now.

I advise you don't meet them. Show them they are not the center of your universe.

They need to think about the things they've said to you for a while.

Good luck.

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post #146 of 323 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 02:59 PM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

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They have me on muscle relaxers but it isn't quite the same and I can take Advil ext but again not quite the same or enough but alas those are the rules I gotta live by and I made that choice long ago. Her parents called today and asked rather calmly if I would be ok with meeting them for lunch on Saturday to talk and I told them I would get back to them and let them know by tomorrow night. Not sure what good it will do to meet up with them right now and while meeting in public would probably keep them on their best behavior not sure what good it would do like I said. Also talked with my family about the nanny issue and they told me not to look into one that they wanted to watch him which is what I figured but I told them if it becomes too much that I wanted them to tell me right away and I would get a nanny.
I think it's a good idea to meet with them. In public. But make sure you avoid topics like being on muscle relaxers, your previous addiction, etc.

I completely understand you losing your cool with your son's grandparents. They were out of line. That said, in the long run, I think it would be best to try to work something out with them. Obviously don't let them have overnights with the kid, only supervised visits until you're comfortable. Consider that they are probably just as emotionally hurt as you are, maybe worse, because they just lost a daughter. And I'm sure they're terrified of losing the opportunity to see her only son. That fear likely caused them to act rashly, and then you--through no fault but theirs--confirmed their fears by taking the kid out of their lives. (Talk about self-fulfilling prophecies)

You might try sitting down with them tomorrow, and saying something "Hey, look, I'm sorry if I flipped out on you, but when you came to me and demanded custody of my son, it caused me to panic. I'm not giving him up. But I also want him to have his grandparents in his life. What you did really damaged my trust for you and it's going to take a lot for us to rebuild that, but I know you've got to be hurting, just like me, because while I just lost the mother of my son, you lost your daughter. And I know our son is your only connection to her. Why don't you guys meet us at [public place] on [pick a date] so he can spend some time with his grandparents."

ETA: Obviously if they won't see reason, or keep acting crazy, they'll have to go.
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post #147 of 323 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 03:18 PM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

See. I disagree with any admission of wrong doing in this case. They threatened you with custody and you said they never liked you before she died. So, while I understand the above sentiment, do not imply, state or give the impression you did anything wrong by flipping out. Minor admissions get you tied up in court and there are way too many cases out there to prove my assertion.

If you are going to apologize make no reference to what you may or may not have done. "I am sorry things have become tense, what would you like to discuss?" Their actions, to me, currently carry a level of distrust. They've brought up custody and visitation twice. Then they inserted her friends, as intermediaries, on their behalf. Trust nothing and admit nothing right now. Later you may be able to mend the relationship, but it is too fresh right now.
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post #148 of 323 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 04:06 PM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

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See. I disagree with any admission of wrong doing in this case. They threatened you with custody and you said they never liked you before she died. So, while I understand the above sentiment, do not imply, state or give the impression you did anything wrong by flipping out. Minor admissions get you tied up in court and there are way too many cases out there to prove my assertion.

If you are going to apologize make no reference to what you may or may not have done. "I am sorry things have become tense, what would you like to discuss?" Their actions, to me, currently carry a level of distrust. They've brought up custody and visitation twice. Then they inserted her friends, as intermediaries, on their behalf. Trust nothing and admit nothing right now. Later you may be able to mend the relationship, but it is too fresh right now.
I recommended it as a peace offering. Do it to get the dialogue going. But I understand not doing it. The OP hasn't really done anything unjust.

The apology can be useful to build up the common ground between both parties. OP and the grandparents just lost someone profoundly important in their lives. They are all likely to be on edge, just due to the stress, and this causes overreactions and rash decisions. Acknowledging that gives them an opening to apologize without having their pride hurt too much, or causing them to feel like OP is using his son (their grandson) like a cudgel to beat them into submission. Of course any apology should be worded so that it wouldn't be admissible against OP. Instead of "flipped out" maybe "have been grumpy (or cranky) with you" or something similar.

The longer this drags out, the more likely people will become entrenched. OP will resent them more for what they've done, and of course try to protect his son. And they'll feel justified in doing it, because he's now living up to their fear of keeping their daughter's only son away from them, and that is likely to lead to more confrontations, as they try to find a way to get access to their grandkid.

I completely understand why he's done what he did so far. I'm saying I probably would have reacted similarly. I'd probably be saying "See if you ever get to visit your grand-kid again" but from the outside looking in, I think it would be wise to offer an olive branch and try to unify a broken family, and I hope someone would advise me to cool the fires of my rage, and try to do that.
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post #149 of 323 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 08:33 PM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

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I recommended it as a peace offering. Do it to get the dialogue going. But I understand not doing it. The OP hasn't really done anything unjust.

The apology can be useful to build up the common ground between both parties. OP and the grandparents just lost someone profoundly important in their lives. They are all likely to be on edge, just due to the stress, and this causes overreactions and rash decisions. Acknowledging that gives them an opening to apologize without having their pride hurt too much, or causing them to feel like OP is using his son (their grandson) like a cudgel to beat them into submission. Of course any apology should be worded so that it wouldn't be admissible against OP. Instead of "flipped out" maybe "have been grumpy (or cranky) with you" or something similar.

The longer this drags out, the more likely people will become entrenched. OP will resent them more for what they've done, and of course try to protect his son. And they'll feel justified in doing it, because he's now living up to their fear of keeping their daughter's only son away from them, and that is likely to lead to more confrontations, as they try to find a way to get access to their grandkid.

I completely understand why he's done what he did so far. I'm saying I probably would have reacted similarly. I'd probably be saying "See if you ever get to visit your grand-kid again" but from the outside looking in, I think it would be wise to offer an olive branch and try to unify a broken family, and I hope someone would advise me to cool the fires of my rage, and try to do that.
You are completely misunderstanding my post. Nowhere in my post do I say he shouldn't apologize, I basically said not to apologize with any type of admission of wrong doing. He can do exactly what you are saying without uttering the words "panicked", "flipped out" "have been grumpy (or cranky) with you" or "I was wrong."

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post #150 of 323 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 10:59 PM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

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See. I disagree with any admission of wrong doing in this case. They threatened you with custody and you said they never liked you before she died. So, while I understand the above sentiment, do not imply, state or give the impression you did anything wrong by flipping out. Minor admissions get you tied up in court and there are way too many cases out there to prove my assertion.

If you are going to apologize make no reference to what you may or may not have done. "I am sorry things have become tense, what would you like to discuss?" Their actions, to me, currently carry a level of distrust. They've brought up custody and visitation twice. Then they inserted her friends, as intermediaries, on their behalf. Trust nothing and admit nothing right now. Later you may be able to mend the relationship, but it is too fresh right now.

^^This.

In your shoes OP, I would take a witness with me, one of your parents most likely - whoever is the calmer one, who won't say much but quickly pull you back on track if things take a tense turn. Do not take your son.

In the meeting, I would refuse to discuss ANY past issues. They are resolved and rehashing won't help things going forward. Only discuss THE POSSIBILITY of them seeing/having the grandson in the FUTURE. Tell them that the way they have behaved has caused you to no longer trust them and that you need time for the trust to start to rebuild. Tell them that you will happily send them photos/videos of your son, if you're comfortable perhaps they can Skype with him. But for now, that's all that will be happening.

They need to realise that they are not his parents, you are his parent, his father and YOU will raise him the way you and his mother would have, had she lived.

I also encourage you to get your will updated asap - like this week - to say that in the event of your death, your parents are to get custody of your son.
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