New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son - Page 17 - Talk About Marriage
General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

User Tag List

 852Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #241 of 323 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 09:54 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 33,631
Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

Would your sister or parents be willing to handle the interface with your in-laws? That might be a way to handle it. Let them set up any meetups and supervise them. You don't even need to be there.

Just an alternative idea that might work.


Surviving An Affair -
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.



To Create A Passionate Marriage -
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
EleGirl is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #242 of 323 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 10:31 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,864
Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

This is the thing: you do not have to make a decision about anything right now. You don't have to answer their calls. You don't have to let anyone see your baby.
You don't have to make any deals.

Don't get angry. Know that you aren't required to deal with them and just get healthy mentally and physically.

If you have to talk to them again out of guilt, tell them that you just lost your wife and have a son to see after; you're physically and mentally exhausted and they ar adding to your pain and stress. That you know the want to see their grandson, but they have threatened you with losing your own son and that singular act is more than enough for any reasonable person to cut them totally out of their life. Tell them if they are so stupid as to not see that they are painting you in a corner over your son, that you will wash your hands of them completely.
Tell them you need some time to get well, and then you may choose to revisit their concerns about seeing your son, but that you will not be bullied and pressured into anything concerning him, particularly after their threats.
Then hang up the phone and record any conversations you have with them in the future.
Evinrude58 is offline  
post #243 of 323 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 10:46 AM
Forum Supporter
 
CynthiaDe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 4,603
Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

You do not have to deal with this right now. If you want the fighting to stop, you can do that without giving up any of your rights. If you think that you can solve this by giving into them, I think you are wrong. These sound like people who is you give them an inch they will take a mile. They are showing you that they do not respect or trust you, yet their behavior shows that they are not trustworthy and they do not have your best interests at heart. The don't even have their own grandchild's best interests at heart either, because they are thinking about trying to remove him from the care of his father. The level of dysfunction in these people is staggering.

Text them and let them know that you are taking a break from communicating with them until/unless you are ready and they show full repentance. They have been hostile towards you and you are not going to deal with them right now.

Do not tell them you are weak or any kind of personal information that they could possibly use against you. Just let them know that you are blocking their number as you cannot tolerate further harassment. Be sure to use the word harassment.

If you don't want to fight, stay away from people who are starting fights. Bullies cannot be placated. When you show weakness, they will only press for more. They have clearly shown they do not care about you. Your fiancee doesn't sound like the kind of person who would put up with this. She would expect you to take care of your son and to not allow yourself to be abused by people who don't care about you, even though they are her parents.

Do not make the mistake of thinking that your fiancee would want you to let her parents run roughshod over you. From what you have said of her, it doesn't sound like she would tolerate this from them.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


Standard Evidence Thread:
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
CynthiaDe is online now  
 
post #244 of 323 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 11:48 AM
Forum Supporter
 
CynthiaDe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 4,603
Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

When I am talking about a legal document, this is what I had in mind. It forces the grandparents to acknowledge your parental rights and to abide by your wishes. There is no visitation schedule and they are given zero rights, but agree to stop harassing you and threatening you in order to see their grandson. If they are unwilling to sign such a document it shows that they are not safe. These are very basic human rights for you as a parent. If they cannot acknowledge these things, they are a danger to your family. Here is an example of what Im talking about:

We, (grandparents names), recognize that justtryingtosurvive is the parent and legal guardian of (name of child) and that he therefore has the authority to either allow or deny visitation with his son, (name of child). We agree to abide by the wishes of justtryingtosurvive regarding (name of child) when or if we are allowed visitation.

We agree not to harass and/or threaten justtryingtosurvive and agree to stop any effort to obtain custody of (name of child).

If or when justtryingtosurvive allows us visitation of (name of child) we agree to care for (name of child) in a healthy and safe manner and to return him to the place designated by justtryintosurvive at the time designated by justtryingtosurvive.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


Standard Evidence Thread:
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
CynthiaDe is online now  
post #245 of 323 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 12:22 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 6,304
Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

.

Last edited by 225985; 05-01-2017 at 07:08 PM.
225985 is offline  
post #246 of 323 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 12:53 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 9
Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

Be on guard. I've seen grandparents get down and dirty to get custody of a grandchild. You need to spend time thinking about or writing down any and all skeletons that you might have in your past that they could possibly use against you because if you do have anything remotely damaging that they know about, they'll use it against you. They might even hire an investigator to dig into your past. Protect yourself starting now. Sorry for your loss but you could lose your son if you don't stay alert and focused on self-protection.
Jo3163 is offline  
post #247 of 323 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 12:55 PM
Forum Supporter
 
CynthiaDe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 4,603
Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

Even if the grandparents were able to show that you were an unfit parent (I don't know how they could do that. You are a dedicated father.), that does not mean they would be first in line to be the guardians of the child. Your son has other relatives. Don't you have siblings? They would be considered more fit due to being young.

The whole idea that they could get custody of your son is ludicrous. If it ever happened it would be due to corruption.

I think you should stop worrying. Cut them off and let them stew in their own juices. Don't give them another thought. Especially at your son's very young age, he is not going to know any difference. When he gets older he can decide what he wants to do. Yes, they may miss out on his childhood, but that's on them. If they want to be terrible people there isn't anything you can do to stop them, but you don't have to give them access to your child.

The main issue I see with all this is that you are giving in to people who are mistreating you because their mistreatment is stressing you out. It's not logical. If someone mistreats you that shouldn't give them what they want. Just the opposite. It should be the reason for cutting them off and blocking their number so you don't have to deal with their nonsense. You might want to consider changing your number rather than blocking them.

When you are stronger, you can decide if you want to allow them any kind of visitation and only under your terms, but right now you are letting something bother you that really isn't your problem. It's the grandparent's problem they are trying to put off on you. Let go of false guilt and move on with your healing. Don't let them get in the way of your healing and your personal wellbeing. Right now you have given them that power, but you can take it away by not allowing them to mess with you any longer.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


Standard Evidence Thread:
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
CynthiaDe is online now  
post #248 of 323 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 01:08 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 1,874
Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

I think that if you try and show them some compassion and let them see their dead daughters only child you wont regret it. Some of the posts here are very OTT. They are not going to run off to Mexico with the child.

As a grandparent myself I am able to see things from both sides, while many here cant.
Diana7 is offline  
post #249 of 323 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 02:03 PM
Member
 
lorikeet25's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 37
Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

I think you should postpone any formal decisions. Let them see him or not for the time being, but do not put anything in writing giving them rights. Do what your lawyer says. That's why you hired him.

Later when you are stronger, revisit the issue. But for now, block them. Email only. Do not engage.

If you would like them to spend time with him, have a trusted family member proxy it.
lorikeet25 is offline  
post #250 of 323 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 02:20 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 33,631
Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
I think that if you try and show them some compassion and let them see their dead daughters only child you wont regret it. Some of the posts here are very OTT. They are not going to run off to Mexico with the child.

As a grandparent myself I am able to see things from both sides, while many here cant.
You have no idea what the GP will and will not do. You don’t even know them.

What we do know is what the OP has told us. Two times the GP threatened to take his son away from him via legal action. That is a real threat that he needs to take seriously. They have already promised him that they intend to take custody of his son. Why are you continually ignoring this?

I'd love to watch your reaction if someone threatened to take legal action to take your children away from you.

And you are wrong that other posters here cannot see things from all sides. The thing is that others here have experiences that YOU DO NOT have.

For example, I have a nephew who lost all rights to even have visits with his son because his ex-wife’s mother decided that she wanted 100% custody and she got it. He took the stance that you are suggesting, be kind, don’t distrust them, blah blah. She and her husband were able to get custody because they are filthy rich, they are close friends with all the judges, and my nephew had a few things in his past. (Like 2 DWI’s 15 years prior while in the military… in VA Beach for riding a bike back to the hotel. Yep a DWI while riding a bike. And he lost his son over that.) Oh, and to make matters worse, the Grandmother who got 100% custody of his son, is a raging alcoholic. But she knew all the judges, many of whom are her drinking buddies.

You clearly have no idea the depth of horror that some grandparents will do to get control of their grandchildren.

My nephew has not seen his son in 10 years. He does have another son with his first wife. They get along great and are very good co-parents. He is an excellent father.


Surviving An Affair -
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.



To Create A Passionate Marriage -
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
EleGirl is online now  
post #251 of 323 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 02:23 PM
Forum Supporter
 
CynthiaDe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 4,603
Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
I think that if you try and show them some compassion and let them see their dead daughters only child you wont regret it. Some of the posts here are very OTT. They are not going to run off to Mexico with the child.

As a grandparent myself I am able to see things from both sides, while many here cant.
I am a grandparent. This is not about seeing the side of the grandparents. They are way out of line. I don't think they will run off to another country, but I do not trust them. They have shown that they have nefarious plans against justtryingtosurvive.

Compassion is one thing. Giving into bullying behavior is quite another. It is really odd that you think the grandparents can threaten and demand from the father of this child and he should give into them out of compassion. Giving in to threats only encourages people to issue threats. It's not compassionate to enable people in their dysfunction and sin.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


Standard Evidence Thread:
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
CynthiaDe is online now  
post #252 of 323 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 05:46 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Justtryingtosurvive's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 55
Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

Stressed is a nice way of putting it severely depressed is another just been hitting me like a ton of bricks past few days. I didn't go meet them and have honestly rethought out the agreement I was ready to have them sign. I don't know what to do honestly but I want to do what is right. And no she probably wouldn't have put up with what her parents have pulled but they have at least been semi-tolerable as of late. All I know is I need my space not just from them but from everyone, Having family around every day is helpful and I love them for it but I do need my space for a while. I just need some space to process and mourn and try and see if I can function on my own. I texted them after my PT appointment that I would appreciate if they didn't contact me for a few weeks and allow me some space they never texted me back. But I will be telling my family the same thing here after today. But I wish she was here instead of me, None of these issues would be happening had she survived my family wouldn't of tried to take our son from her and her parents wouldn't of gone off of the deep end.
Justtryingtosurvive is offline  
post #253 of 323 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 05:50 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 33,631
Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

If you need some space, have you considered going somewhere on your own? You could leave your son in the care of your parents and go on the trip.. not too long, but a few days.

Do you have a friend or family member who will go with you?

You need to focus on yourself for a while so that you can be strong for your son.

Surviving An Affair -
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.



To Create A Passionate Marriage -
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
EleGirl is online now  
post #254 of 323 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 06:07 PM
Member
 
GTdad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,153
Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
I think that if you try and show them some compassion and let them see their dead daughters only child you wont regret it. Some of the posts here are very OTT. They are not going to run off to Mexico with the child.

As a grandparent myself I am able to see things from both sides, while many here cant.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CynthiaDe View Post
I am a grandparent. This is not about seeing the side of the grandparents. They are way out of line. I don't think they will run off to another country, but I do not trust them.
I'm a grandparent as well, and if ever I was so stupid and insensitive as to threaten a son-in-law or daughter-in-law with seeking custody of a grandchild under similar circumstances, I would hope they would have enough self-respect and spine to tell me to go piss up a rope.
GTdad is offline  
post #255 of 323 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 07:43 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 5,197
Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

Quote:
Originally Posted by Justtryingtosurvive View Post
Well, they have no rights in the state of Washington. Now I really don't know what to do, I mean I thought this would be the best idea and kill two birds with one stone so to speak. I protect myself legally and give them time to see him but also if they try and do anything shady then I have legal recourse as I can show the courts the paperwork ext. The agreement was just going to say that they could see him on days that I designate and could change at my discretion and that if they did not return my son when I wanted then They would be in violation of the agreement and they would no longer have access to him. I don't know I just thought this was the easiest way to end this feud and I just am tired of fighting with them. And thought this would be a sort of an olive branch and end this here and now and everyone gets what they wanted. I wish this was easier in all honesty and just trying to do right by my son and honor my fiancees memory.
How is everyone getting what they wanted, when you have repeatedly expressed you do not want them around? No, this is called trying to make others happy at your expense.
Also, you are assuming they would sign something with this type of caveat. First it alerts them to a lawyer. Second, I'd keep it and use it against you in court. Once it is filed in court, you are locked in.
phillybeffandswiss is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
My ex wife's is teaching my son bad habits txcouple903 Life After Divorce 15 03-19-2017 12:50 AM
Had the talk with my oldest son and impressed with my daughter katiekr The Family & Parenting Forums 2 12-05-2016 04:54 PM
Fellow parents of older teens, what are your thoughts? Beautiful-day-I-hope The Family & Parenting Forums 15 04-19-2016 12:14 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome