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post #46 of 276 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 01:33 AM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

Just,

Not defending their behavior - they screwed up. That said - your child has no mother and will benefit from a big support system.

Trust me on this - if you take a chance on them - when it works out - you will feel good about it.

Same way your fiancée felt good about taking a chance on a recovering heroin addict.

It is easy to have a focus for your anger - at having your life ripped apart - but that doesn't make it right.




Quote:
Originally Posted by Justtryingtosurvive View Post
It wasn't a suggestion and did not come off as such and I reacted accordingly, I had an open door policy with them and then they tried to burn me. And even if I am on medical leave I am still bringing in a paycheck and can still take care of my son. I am not worried about them going to CPS I highly doubt they would and on the small off chance they might I do not fear CPS or them. If they wanted to be super helpful to me the way they tried wasn't the correct way to go about it. They are going to have to earn my trust back on my terms. Like I said I will consult with an attorney on Monday morning. I make near double what her parents make so this isn't even like where they could provide better for him either. And When I do return to work my parents will be watching over him and then I will get him on my way home from work ext.


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post #47 of 276 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 01:48 AM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

@Justtryingtosurvive

How did they approach you? Did they say that they would like to take primary care and thought it would be good because of your history with drugs and because it's hard to raise a child alone?


Or did they also threaten you with going to court, going to CPS and other aggressive actions?

Did they yell at your or become loud, threatening, etc?

It would really help to know a bit more detail about this because I think different people are making different assumption here in responding to you.
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post #48 of 276 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 03:04 AM Thread Starter
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

Sorry sure, It felt like an ambush I got home from some physical therapy and they met me at the door and said they wanted custody because they were worried and also still not 100% trusting of me even though their daughter was. And when I told them not they got loud with me and then threatened me with court, Never mentioned CPS at all. Just really hard to trust them again right now after that, And I know they never truly accepted me or even liked me to be honest. And I don't understand why, Well I guess I do in a way I know she could have done loads better than me and I know she took a risk on me but she was honestly my everything. She was my reason for staying clean along with my son. Just honestly don't know how to go on right now and have been putting all of my strength into my son right now.
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post #49 of 276 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 06:19 AM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

Quote:
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Sorry sure, It felt like an ambush I got home from some physical therapy and they met me at the door and said they wanted custody because they were worried and also still not 100% trusting of me even though their daughter was. And when I told them not they got loud with me and then threatened me with court, Never mentioned CPS at all. Just really hard to trust them again right now after that, And I know they never truly accepted me or even liked me to be honest. And I don't understand why, Well I guess I do in a way I know she could have done loads better than me and I know she took a risk on me but she was honestly my everything. She was my reason for staying clean along with my son. Just honestly don't know how to go on right now and have been putting all of my strength into my son right now.
Given the way they approached you, I think you're doing the right thing under the circumstances.

I'd still go protect yourself legally and document everything to the letter. Write down the exact encounter with your in - laws.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #50 of 276 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 08:48 AM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

You will get there. The whole situation sucks.

You should be legally safe. From what you said - I wouldn't trust them. for a long long... long time. Threatened you with court - for what?!

Sorry you are going through this.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #51 of 276 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 12:13 PM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

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Given the way they approached you, I think you're doing the right thing under the circumstances.

I'd still go protect yourself legally and document everything to the letter. Write down the exact encounter with your in - laws.
I completely agree. At least, until consulting an attorney and getting everything in order, I would cut them off, too. They had no business making such a "suggestion", and then threatening with court. In his shoes? I guarantee I would have done the same thing... even with my own parents, if they had ever approached me in that manner. I love(d) my parents, very much. God forbid, if I had died, I absolutely would hope my husband would take these steps if my parents ever approached him the way OP was approached.

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post #52 of 276 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 12:39 PM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

Quote:
Originally Posted by Justtryingtosurvive View Post
Sorry sure, It felt like an ambush I got home from some physical therapy and they met me at the door and said they wanted custody because they were worried and also still not 100% trusting of me even though their daughter was. And when I told them not they got loud with me and then threatened me with court, Never mentioned CPS at all. Just really hard to trust them again right now after that, And I know they never truly accepted me or even liked me to be honest. And I don't understand why, Well I guess I do in a way I know she could have done loads better than me and I know she took a risk on me but she was honestly my everything. She was my reason for staying clean along with my son. Just honestly don't know how to go on right now and have been putting all of my strength into my son right now.
Thanks for sharing more of how they approached you. I can see why it upset you so much. That was pretty confrontational.

They were not very smart either. They could have simply been as helpful to you as possible so that you and your son had the support you needed. And that way they also could have been able to make sure that there was no problem.

What you are dealing with is hard. Being an only parent is hard. But people do it all the time and do just fine. It will take time but you will be ok as long as you stick with all the success you have had over the past years.
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post #53 of 276 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 12:48 PM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

You are on the birth certificate as the father. You have been clean and sober for years. You have a mother, father and siblings as backup. See a lawyer, and ensure that nobody can interfere with your rights.

Inform them politely that if they ever ambush you again, it will be construed as harrassment. You will inform them that you will seek an order of protection against them.
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post #54 of 276 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 01:37 PM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

What kind of resources do they have? How about you? Sorry to be cynical but it seems like if it goes to court the winner will be whoever has and is willing to spend the most money.


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post #55 of 276 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 01:56 PM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

@Justtryingtosurvive

When the dust settles and you have recuperated from the car accident, and are working again.....

What do you think it would take to reconcile your relationship with the grandparents?

I agree that what they did was wrong; and if I was you, I wouldn't trust them either.

But they are your kid's grandparents, and all he will ever know of his mom.

But definitely protect yourself in the meantime. I was just wondering about how you might feel differently in the future.

And congratulations for wanting to be an involved, loving Dad. I really admire guys who are like that.

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post #56 of 276 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 04:56 PM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

@Justtryingtosurvive

I am 100% on your side - your love and commitment to your son and his welfare come through loud and clear. I also cannot see how any legal battle on the part of your fiance's parents could be successful.

I can understand why you might feel threatened by them because of the way that they acted; but from everything that you have told us, they have little or no power in this situation. If so, you don't have to fear them. But, you could pity them. Grief can make us all act crazy. It doesn't make what they did right, but do you think that could you ever forgive their behaviour in that context? Only you know what kind of relationship they had with your son's mother. But if there was love and caring and respect, then do you think that they would have had a good relationship with your family if she was still alive? If so, do you think that you could give this as a gift to her?

Eventually when your son grows up, he will have questions about his mother. And you will be able to answer many of them. But some of them, you will not. My grandmother passed away many years ago. But when our family gets together and we tell stories about her, the new things and perspectives we find out from other family members, make her very real to all of us, all over again.

I understand that you need to be strong right now, and your anger is righteous, because you are defending your family. And you should definitely consult an attorney as soon as you can. I also understand why you might not feel that you can trust them physically with your son. But, I can say that if you allowed them to see their grandson (have it supervised, if you are anxious), then that is a fair and wise decision - both to any judge that might ever be asked to consider your parenting priorities; and to your son - later when he understands about his mother's family.

Thoughts are with you.

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post #57 of 276 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 06:13 PM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

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As a grandparent myself that is a very cruel and unjustified way to act. OK you have lost your fiance which is horrible, you have known maybe a few years, they have lost their daughter who they have dearly loved and cared for all her life. They now face you not letting them see her only child.
Yes you have YOUR family, BUT is this what your fiance would have wanted? That you cut her mum and dad out of her child's life? That you react so badly to what was just a suggestion?
You could have said that no, you will bring your child up, but you would love for them to regularly see the child and have a good relationship with him. Cutting your fiances family out of his life is wrong. They are part of his family as much as yours are.
It wasn't a suggestion - they basically met him at the door, told him he can't properly care for his son and that they want to take him.

He can't let them look after him right now because he can't guarantee they won't flee with him.

OP's reaction was completely justified under the circumstances, were I in his shoes I'd have done the same thing, even with my own parents until things calmed down.
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post #58 of 276 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 07:33 PM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

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Unless they can prove that you are a danger to your child, no they cannot take your child away from you.

I do think you need to read up on child custody issues and grand parent's rights in your state. They differ state to state. In most states you don't even have to ever let him see them again if you don't want to.

I also suggest that you see a lawyer for a consultation of how to protect your paternal rights if her parents try to come after you for custody.
Who is listed as the father of the child? Did your fiancee leave a will or any other legal document spelling out what was to happen in case of her death?

Is there any chance that you can be found criminally liable for the accident?

And this is not a question: lawyer up right away.
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post #59 of 276 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 08:19 PM
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New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

.

I think I'm afraid to be happy. Because whenever I get to happy, something bad always happens.

Last edited by giddiot; 04-13-2017 at 08:45 PM.
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post #60 of 276 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 09:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

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Who is listed as the father of the child? Did your fiancee leave a will or any other legal document spelling out what was to happen in case of her death?

Is there any chance that you can be found criminally liable for the accident?

And this is not a question: lawyer up right away.
How could I possibly be found criminally liable for a wreck I didn't cause? A drunk driver hit us and killed my fiancee, I and my fiancee were sober. No she didn't have a will as we were/are reltively young and wasn't expecting this at all. But I am on his BC as the father.
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