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post #121 of 284 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 06:55 PM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

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And neither do you. Quit threadjacking attacking me. I am not trying to talk to the OP and tell him what think is best for him to do.


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Whilst I and everyone else is very sympathetic to the terrible struggle you went through having to save your grandchild, your case and this case is comparing apples with oranges.

Please, no more threadjacks, @giddiot, OK?


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post #122 of 284 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 08:01 PM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

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Would you have gone to your DIL demanding full custody of your grandchild if your son has tragically passed?

It seems that the OP was more than willing to allow his wife's parents to carry on regular contact. Then they swept the rug from underneath him by threatening to take him to court for custody of HIS child. They drew this red line. He didn't.

I'm incredibly close to my children's' grandparents. Incredibly so. But if they did to me what OP's in-laws did to him, I, too, would cease contact until I knew all my legal ducks were in a row.
If I felt I had really good reason I may look into it. My DIL is a very capable mum and person who has never been in trouble, so I wouldn't need to. As I said it would be interesting to hear what they say. We don't know what their daughter told them or what they know or have seen. People don't usually do things like this for no reason.
Are we getting the full story? We don't know. People will say what they want others to hear.
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post #123 of 284 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 09:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

I haven't ever abused my son nor would I ever do such a thing, I know my past and I know the demons I face but I love my son so much and am honestly doing the best that I can do alone and with family support. I had an open door with them and they spat on that, I understand people do strange things when grieving but I am equally grieving here but I am burying that for the sake of my son and I will be returning to work in about a few weeks if things go as planned and I hope. I don't know what else I can honestly do When they want to calm down and act rationally and reasonably perhaps we can somehow get back onto good terms and they can see their grandchild as much as they want.
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post #124 of 284 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 09:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

To add on and sorry for this but how they treated me even when their daughter was alive this just reinforces my feelings about them. All they have ever cared about is my past and have held that over my head as if it condemns me for the entirety of my life. While not caring about how long I have been clean or that I went to college and got my degree and then moved on and got an amazing job. Nope, none of that matters to these people and I won't be bullied when it comes to my son. I just refuse and have drawn that line like I said in the other post if they can not act like complete lunatics then perhaps we can work something out and get on some kind of better footing. But until they show me they can be trusted again they can go kick rocks for all I care.
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post #125 of 284 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 10:23 PM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

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If I felt I had really good reason I may look into it. My DIL is a very capable mum and person who has never been in trouble, so I wouldn't need to. As I said it would be interesting to hear what they say. We don't know what their daughter told them or what they know or have seen. People don't usually do things like this for no reason.

Are we getting the full story? We don't know. People will say what they want others to hear.
You are right, we do not know the entire story. We have not spoken to the grandparents, etc. But we have to go with what we are told since that is all that we know.

In the end, if the grandparents go the CPS/court route, then people who are there, with their 'boots' on the ground will assess the situation. They will interview everyone involved, maybe even do philological tests, etc. And then they will decide based on the facts.

Are some CPS people screw balls? yep. Are some custody evaluators screw balls? Yep. But a good percentage are not.

Just's past drug use means little to nothing if he has indeed been clean for years, has no criminal record (or at least none since his drug use days years ago), has completed a college degree and has a held a good job.

CPS usually works to keep child with their family. They usually prefer to get parents into counseling long before taking a child away.
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post #126 of 284 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 12:17 AM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

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No they wont kidnap him, they have a home and presumably family and jobs.

If My son died I hope that my daughter in law would let us carry on regular contact with my grandchildren. I know she would because that's the sort of person she is.
I can understand their fears and desperation.
So, what does "open door policy" mean to you? I'm serious because in my world it means they could come by, see him whenever they wanted and the OP never turned them away. Well, until they acted like complete IDIOTS. See, I understood the grief argument until they doubled down on the threats. The first time maybe he overreacted, but they acted foolish again. Sorry, I have to question their sanity when they follow up a threat of "we demand custody" with "we demand days alone with our grandson." No one knows if they would or wouldn't kidnap these kids. In his position, they've made demands twice, you aren't catching me off guard and everything you do is going through the lens of "worse case scenario."

They made it adversarial twice, there will not be a third time without lawyers and court involved.


OP talk to your lawyer and set up a document which states, your parents get temporary custody/guardianship if anything happens to you. If CPS gets involved Heroin will scare them no matter how long you've been off. On this, I strongly disagree with Ele's assessment. If they are being this silly, you need to keep your son out of foster care or their hands IMO.
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post #127 of 284 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:55 AM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

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To add on and sorry for this but how they treated me even when their daughter was alive this just reinforces my feelings about them. All they have ever cared about is my past and have held that over my head as if it condemns me for the entirety of my life. While not caring about how long I have been clean or that I went to college and got my degree and then moved on and got an amazing job. Nope, none of that matters to these people and I won't be bullied when it comes to my son. I just refuse and have drawn that line like I said in the other post if they can not act like complete lunatics then perhaps we can work something out and get on some kind of better footing. But until they show me they can be trusted again they can go kick rocks for all I care.
Good for you.
I seriously mean that.

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post #128 of 284 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 05:16 AM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

wrong thread sorry.

Last edited by phillybeffandswiss; 04-12-2017 at 07:57 AM.
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post #129 of 284 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 02:49 PM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

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How could I possibly be found criminally liable for a wreck I didn't cause? A drunk driver hit us and killed my fiancee, I and my fiancee were sober. No she didn't have a will as we were/are reltively young and wasn't expecting this at all. But I am on his BC as the father.
Then you are probably in good shape. The best thing is to talk to a lawyer who is knowledgeable about such cases.
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post #130 of 284 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

Thinking of just getting a nanny for my son while I am at work and when I return. Hate to bother my own family and burden them with this. I also took everyone's advice and applied for the Social security for my son and if approved it will be going into a trust fund for him as suggested. Honestly pretty depressed, IF I could go back and change places with her I would she was so much more deserving of life than myself. Don't know why I wasn't taken instead and it's just really hard to wanna keep going but I have to for my son can't really think of myself anymore now that I got little man in my life. Physical therapy puts me in more pain then I have felt since the first few days in the hospital and the multiple surgeries. But some of my fiancees friends dropped by and first thing they said to me was that I should try and reconcile with her parents it honestly felt like her parents were talking and I asked if they had talked to her parents and how on earth they would know we were having issues and they wouldn't answer me.

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post #131 of 284 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 11:33 PM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

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Thinking of just getting a nanny for my son while I am at work and when I return. Hate to bother my own family and burden them with this. I also took everyone's advice and applied for the Social security for my son and if approved it will be going into a trust fund for him as suggested. Honestly pretty depressed, IF I could go back and change places with her I would she was so much more deserving of life than myself. Don't know why I wasn't taken instead and it's just really hard to wanna keep going but I have to for my son can't really think of myself anymore now that I got little man in my life. Physical therapy puts me in more pain then I have felt since the first few days in the hospital and the multiple surgeries. But some of my fiancees friends dropped by and first thing they said to me was that I should try and reconcile with her parents it honestly felt like her parents were talking and I asked if they had talked to her parents and how on earth they would know we were having issues and they wouldn't answer me.
Good job in applying for social security. I cannot imagine why you wouldn't be approved. That money will go a long way towards helping your son to have a strong financial start in life once he becomes an adult.

You don't know why this terrible thing happened. Perhaps she had fulfilled her purpose in life and you, on the other hand, have a lot left to do. The feelings and guilt you have is normal. I've heard this same thing before. But you had no choice in the matter and neither did she. We all have to live our lives to the best of our ability. You have a beautiful child to raise who needs you and that certainly gives purpose to your life as you have said. Be thankful that at least one of you is there to raise him up.

I'm so sorry you're having so much pain. I wish there was something that could be done to help you quicker. Keep pressing on. You are doing well.

That is too bad that the grandparents are rallying the troops when it is them who should be apologizing and asking for forgiveness and what they can do to earn your trust. Sending people to speak for them doesn't really help their case.

As far as hiring a nanny, ask your parents before doing that. They may want to care for him or for you to hire someone to help out at their home, so they can leave if necessary, like for grocery shopping or something. I watch my granddaughter twice a week. It would hurt my feelings if my daughter and sil decided to hire a nanny instead. A nanny isn't going to love her like I do. It is inconvenient to watch her, but on the other hand, I feel like they are dropping off a little dolly for me to play with. She is such a delight and a joy to my heart. We keep each other smiling. My mother helps me out, so if I need to go to the store or put in a load of laundry, she is there also. That makes it a lot easier for us to get things done around the house or run an errand. Anyway, I'm thankful that I am available to watch my granddaughter and do it gladly because I love her and my kids.

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post #132 of 284 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 02:16 AM Thread Starter
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

Just thought the nanny might be a better option but I will talk to my family tomorrow and see what they really want. Yeah I don't know why they enlisted mutual friends like that they just need to come to me and apologize and I do not owe them anything. Pain is bad and sometimes I wish I could take pain killers but my sobriety is much more important than the pain that I am feeling in the here and now although the pain does keep me awake lately but nothing I can't handle.
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post #133 of 284 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 02:31 AM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

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Just thought the nanny might be a better option but I will talk to my family tomorrow and see what they really want. Yeah I don't know why they enlisted mutual friends like that they just need to come to me and apologize and I do not owe them anything. Pain is bad and sometimes I wish I could take pain killers but my sobriety is much more important than the pain that I am feeling in the here and now although the pain does keep me awake lately but nothing I can't handle.
I think that making your parents, and maybe your sister, part of the decision for hiring a nanny is a good idea. That way if they want to do some of the child care, it gives them a chance to offer. You might find that a mix of your family and a nanny are the right answer.
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post #134 of 284 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 02:47 AM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

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Thinking of just getting a nanny for my son while I am at work and when I return. Hate to bother my own family and burden them with this. I also took everyone's advice and applied for the Social security for my son and if approved it will be going into a trust fund for him as suggested. Honestly pretty depressed, IF I could go back and change places with her I would she was so much more deserving of life than myself. Don't know why I wasn't taken instead and it's just really hard to wanna keep going but I have to for my son can't really think of myself anymore now that I got little man in my life. Physical therapy puts me in more pain then I have felt since the first few days in the hospital and the multiple surgeries. But some of my fiancees friends dropped by and first thing they said to me was that I should try and reconcile with her parents it honestly felt like her parents were talking and I asked if they had talked to her parents and how on earth they would know we were having issues and they wouldn't answer me.
Yea, sounds like your friends talked to your sort-of-in-laws. Too bad they were not more forth wright about that.

Being depressed at this point in time is expected. Are you in grief counseling? You might want to consider doing that.

Have you looked into any kind of homeopathic, or more natural, forms of pain control? You might find something that will take care of at least some of the pain. For example, often pain is caused by inflammation. Turmeric is considered a spice. It's also used to reduce inflammation. I use it as a tea (.5 to 1 tsp in 2 cups of hot water, sweeten to taste.) It really does make a difference. If you want to try it, buy the turmeric from a store like Sprouts or trader joe's. The quality is much better, at least that's my experience.

I've also heard of people using acupuncture for pain relief, yes even after surgery.

http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/581266

Acupuncture after Surgery | Santa Monica Acupuncture and Wellness

Last edited by EleGirl; 04-13-2017 at 12:17 PM.
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post #135 of 284 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 11:33 AM
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Re: New here, Dead fiancees parents are trying to take my son

@EleGirl Great idea.

Here's an article that might be helpful: http://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/p...-relief?page=1
Turmeric should always be combined with black pepper.

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