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post #16 of 24 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 01:05 PM
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Re: Communication and Trust Problems

I am someone who believes in complete honesty and openness in marriage, and also the sharing of all finances and bank accounts. Also if you are marrying her, unless her sons have their own supportive dad, you effectively become their dad.
My husband took my children on as their own when we married. They were all young adults at that time. We talk about everything, and neither of us would spend a lot of money without discussing it with the other. Its completely understandable that she wants to support her sons through college, but her attitude of 'its not your business' is a red flag. When you marry everything is each other business.

I feel you are having some doubts, and because of that, I would advise that you don't plan a wedding at this time. Most of your time 'dating' has been spent apart, and you need to now get to know each other face to face. It may be best if you don't live together for a time until you are sure of where this is going. Some counseling together may also help, so that you can find out if they are any more secrets.
For example, do you want children? Does she?. Has she got debts now such as credit cards?
Does she have contact with the boys father? Do they? How do they feel about you moving in and maybe marrying their mum?

I would say that yes, a bankruptcy is a massive issue that can greatly damage chances of getting credit and loans in the future. So its something that will affect you as a married couple.

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post #17 of 24 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 03:00 PM
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Re: Communication and Trust Problems

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Originally Posted by Andy1001 View Post
You need a watertight pre up in place,go and see a good divorce lawyer.This bankruptcy is a worry and you need to forget this idea that she is good with money,she's not.If I'm understanding this correctly she intends paying both her sons way through college and you are expected to contribute.Have you any idea how much college in the US costs compared to Britain,and I'm not talking about Oxford or Cambridge here just any middle ranking college.Whether you contribute directly or you pay for all other expenses then you need a good six figure income t put two kids through college.
Be honest,is this an attempt at getting a green card or is this true love because you need to get your eyes opened fairly quickly.This could end up with her in massive dept and you as her husband liable for some or all of it.


Eve state universities can have tuition around $25K per year. So that doesn't living expenses.

Imagine, you, the stepfather suggesting that they take out some student loans to cover these expenses. It does not look as if the your, the mother of these 2 teenagers will support you in that.
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post #18 of 24 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 03:13 PM
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Re: Communication and Trust Problems

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Eve state universities can have tuition around $25K per year. So that doesn't living expenses.

Imagine, you, the stepfather suggesting that they take out some student loans to cover these expenses. It does not look as if the your, the mother of these 2 teenagers will support you in that.
He hasn't said what careers they want to pursue so you have to take that into consideration.I will tell you something I have learned about people who get a free ride college wise and those who have to take on big debt and/or work their entire college career.A lot of the ones on the free trip aren't too bothered whether they pass first time or not,the attitude is "what's another year"especially when Dad or Mom are paying.So a four year expense is suddenly a five or six year one especially if kiddo changes his or her mind about what they want to study after a couple of years.
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post #19 of 24 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 04:42 PM
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Re: Communication and Trust Problems

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Eve state universities can have tuition around $25K per year. So that doesn't living expenses.

Imagine, you, the stepfather suggesting that they take out some student loans to cover these expenses. It does not look as if the your, the mother of these 2 teenagers will support you in that.
As their mother she has every right to pay for their fees, and has probably been saving hard so she can do that. However, if she wants to get married, its one of the many things she should tell her husband about.
I wish I could have paid my daughters fees, she is still paying off her loan 9 years later.
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post #20 of 24 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 05:23 PM
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Re: Communication and Trust Problems

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As their mother she has every right to pay for their fees, and has probably been saving hard so she can do that. However, if she wants to get married, its one of the many things she should tell her husband about.
I wish I could have paid my daughters fees, she is still paying off her loan 9 years later.
A friend of mine told me that her father ended up marrying 4 times in his life. She was part of the first family. As she finished high school in the mid 70s, she said her mother wanted "find herself." The next two families that he married into, he helped with the cost of university education.

I went out with this friend when one of her stepsisters was in town. The daughter from her father's 4th marriage. They both reminisced in a friendly tone how my friend's father finally asked for a pre-nup .... to which the stepsister's mother was happy to sign ...... since she had more money than he did.

BTW, Diana, what prevents you from helping your daughter pay down her debt?
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post #21 of 24 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 12:35 AM
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Re: Communication and Trust Problems

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A friend of mine told me that her father ended up marrying 4 times in his life. She was part of the first family. As she finished high school in the mid 70s, she said her mother wanted "find herself." The next two families that he married into, he helped with the cost of university education.

I went out with this friend when one of her stepsisters was in town. The daughter from her father's 4th marriage. They both reminisced in a friendly tone how my friend's father finally asked for a pre-nup .... to which the stepsister's mother was happy to sign ...... since she had more money than he did.

BTW, Diana, what prevents you from helping your daughter pay down her debt?
I was a struggling single mum of three for several years when she as my middle child was aged 18-24, and now I am married again we have 5 children between us. We are very fair and feel that if we help one we should do the same for all of them and just haven't the money. Its a govt student loan and she pays a percentage of what she earns above a certain level so its manageable.

Wow 4 marriages. Sorry but if a guy had been divorced 3 times I would stay away.
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post #22 of 24 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 12:40 AM
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Re: Communication and Trust Problems

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I just find this lack of communication so close to marriage to be a huge warning sign. Especially at our age where we can't be the naïve newly weds anymore. It's really shaken my trust in her and part of me is worried of what other skeletons will fall out of the closet if I'm ever 'lucky' enough to ask the right question.
Man you didn't even need to post on here. You know in your heart of hearts that you shouldn't marry this women. She is dishonest, and that is a huge character flaw in a marriage and partnership. At least postpone the marriage. But I think you know what the smart thing to do is it's just your heart hasn't caught up to your brain yet. I hope it does for your sake.
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post #23 of 24 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 12:44 AM
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Re: Communication and Trust Problems

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Color me confused, but don't most parents try to sock away money while their kids are growing up, in anticipation of being able to send them to college one day? You can't count on them getting scholarships and there's no guarantee they'll be eligible for funding for lower income families.

So the OBVIOUS answer is that parents try to save what they can to provide a college education for their kids.

Why is this such a "surprise" that she's been saving for their college? She probably didn't mention it because she doesn't see it as 'her' money as it's earmarked for her kids.

How did you THINK her kids were getting to college - the College Fairy?

You're acting like she has this big, secret 'slush fund' and she's holding out on you or something. Jeez.
You missed the bankruptcy in her past part that she never revealed, guess you didn't read his whole post.

Quote:
Likewise questions from me resulted in her telling me she'd declared bankruptcy some years ago. I truly can sympathise with the situation that led to it, so I'm not seeing it as a slight against her person (and have told her this) but really, who doesn't tell something so big to the person they intend to spend their lives with? I got the usual "its not a secret, you just didn't ask" response from her which I find incredibly childish.
Pretty big thing not to talk about when they are about to get married and share finances don't you think?
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post #24 of 24 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 11:48 AM
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Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
Color me confused, but don't most parents try to sock away money while their kids are growing up, in anticipation of being able to send them to college one day? You can't count on them getting scholarships and there's no guarantee they'll be eligible for funding for lower income families.

So the OBVIOUS answer is that parents try to save what they can to provide a college education for their kids.

Why is this such a "surprise" that she's been saving for their college? She probably didn't mention it because she doesn't see it as 'her' money as it's earmarked for her kids.

How did you THINK her kids were getting to college - the College Fairy?

You're acting like she has this big, secret 'slush fund' and she's holding out on you or something. Jeez.
You missed the bankruptcy in her past part that she never revealed, guess you didn't read his whole post.

Quote:
Likewise questions from me resulted in her telling me she'd declared bankruptcy some years ago. I truly can sympathise with the situation that led to it, so I'm not seeing it as a slight against her person (and have told her this) but really, who doesn't tell something so big to the person they intend to spend their lives with? I got the usual "its not a secret, you just didn't ask" response from her which I find incredibly childish.
Pretty big thing not to talk about when they are about to get married and share finances don't you think?
She makes a great point though- of course a single mom who's solely responsible for her child is going to save $$ for child's college, if she's able.

And the OP's fiancé did tell him about her BK when he questioned her.

Maybe the issue has more to do with communication?
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