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post #1 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 09:48 PM Thread Starter
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Arrow Wife is emotionally detached

We've been married for 17 years together for 19 years. From the beginning the relationship was great. Sex was great. Communication was great. For the last 7 years she's been slipping away emotionally. Right before our son was born it started. We moved to Florida 2.5 years ago and she was emotionally gone right after. Cold as ice to me. Hates sex. Doesn't show me any emotion. Does not do anything in a loving way towards me at all. She's nice to any animal or any other person. Very nice to anyone else. Neutral or mean sometimes towards me I could not take it anymore last August after numerous requests we try counseling. She would always ignore me and not even respond. I had to get her attention somehow. I signed up for a few dating sites and left my computer on so she'd see it. She did and boy was she upset and hurt. She figured it out that I never even talked to anyone on the sites and was only trying to get her attention. So we started counseling and I really thought things would get better. We didn't even have any serious issues like infidelity to fight over. Just her lack of everything a marriage needs. I come to find out after a few sessions of counseling that she was abused as a child for a long period of time by a relative. I thought part of me died inside when I heard. She didn't tell me a lot of details but enough for sure. She was born with a rare bone disease and has had surgeries since she was 3. Her mother treated her as an equal and not as a daughter. So there was no love from her mother at all. Her mom broke up the marriage and tried her best to hide the kids from the father. My wife has been through a hell i can't even imagine since she was 3. I found all this out soon after counseling started. It all started making sense.

She constantly ignores any and all of my needs. She told me a month ago she just can't give me any affection anymore. It reminds her of her abuser. She said that after I asked her if she would hug me every now and then? I felt like I reminded her of her abuser. Which really cute me. I used to get mad and give her the silent treatment after she'd ignore me after while. My frustration builds and then I just stop talking to her in anger. Now that I known what she's dealing with it can handle it for longer periods but I always end up avoiding her and not talking. Not out-of anger but out of hurt and pain. She always thinks I'm mad because she wouldn't have sex on this or that night. I can go without sex. It's hard to go without any affection whatsoever though. No days she's glued to her phone or laptop. Sometimes even has headphones on all day. Very irritating. Some days she hardly talks to me. She doesn't work. She's disabled with knee problems.

The counseling might be helping her but it's NOT helping us in the marriage. She's actually gotten worse towards me. She's added in yelling and swearing at me which I've never seen her do to anyone. It's only happened a few times but it really scared me I already thought she can care less about me and then you ad in yelling and swearing at me. I felt like running away forever. She also never apologizes for anything she ever does or says. She can't do that. She does however give excuses. It's always blamed on a flare up or the prednisone made me yell at you. Lame excuses but I foregive her. It's really hard to forget when they don't take any ownership or responsibility. I feel like my life is in turmoil. I feel isolated from her. She'll talk about things and be like this or that's "mine" never ours. It's always her not ours. It's like she doesn't know what marriage is about. At times she sounds selfish. I don't want to leave her. I can't leave her. With everything she's been through, if I left her it'd just be another betrayal in her life. I couldn't do that to anyone. Plus I made a commitment before god. The counselor explained how people who are abused like this that the spouse always takes a lot of heat from the one who was abused. I'm really not looking forward to 30 years of this behavior. It's so hard for me to deal with this. The nicest thing shes done or said to me in the last few years was "thanks for cleaning the house" via text message. The worst is how I remind her of her abuser. It's tearing me apart.

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post #2 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:00 PM
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Re: Wife is emotionally detached

You are not required to live like this because of your vows.

Good times and bad? Lol, you were duped.

My thoughts:
You said she's on her phone or computer all the time-- red flag.
You said she once had great sex with you and now after years of good sex---- it's all because of childhood abuse?
I call BS.

Your wife is likely having online emotional affairs. Who else is satisfying her emotional needs for intimacy that every person has?

You are not loved by your wife. If that is love--- who'd want it?

Just divorce and find a woman that does love you. You are staying out of fear, not because of honor.

Don't be fearful. You've made every effort. It's time to break this off and let her be happy--- obviously you aren't doing it for her. Let her find someone that does (she won't, but YOU can).

JMO
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post #3 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:02 PM
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Re: Wife is emotionally detached

Btw, she was abused. Ok, I get it.

Does that give her the right to abuse you?

Escape your abuser bro! She did. You can, too.
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post #4 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is emotionally detached

I'd think the same thing. She's not talking to men on her phone or on Facebook or anything else. I'm on her phone sometimes to send faxes. Her apps are always open and phone never locked so I can't see something. She's listening to this one show she used to watch as a child and she loves that show. Or watching videos or researching things.

But I agree I can't let her abuse me because of what she went through. It's hard when you have a child. I don't wanna mess him up as well.

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post #5 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:06 PM
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Re: Wife is emotionally detached

Do you really want to live your life like this? I sure as hell wouldn't.

If she needs IC help great but IMO you tell her to get help and fix this with your help and blessing or you are out.

Set a time limit.
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post #6 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:08 PM
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Re: Wife is emotionally detached

Hope you are not unduely affected by this long running negativity as depression is contageous. Another person of her past experience may be really appreciating your attention and care. Could she be using her past as an excuse to hide her feelings towards you. Have you checked and excluded her spending all her emotional energy in an affair for the last seven years
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post #7 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is emotionally detached

Yes we dealt with it last summer when I made her think I cheated. I was asking her but she swore there was never anyone. She's not working now and hasn't driven anywhere in 3 months. She had a knee replacement last month. I'm always using her cell. Texting from her cell. She hides nothing. If there's an affair then she's a magician at hiding it.

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post #8 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 11:11 PM
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Re: Wife is emotionally detached

Senor Moliverna,

When your wife is down the basement doing the clothes, tell her to stand still for a minute. Tell her not to move.

Turn out the light.

Walk over to her carefully.

Bend down really low. Lift her robe.

Hah!

The pilot flame on her [marriage hot water] tank has gone out. The main burner is corroded from the constant dripping leak. The pilot will never re-light.

Your wife's mind has corroded beyond repair.

Time for a new [marriage hot water] tank. As luck would have it, the new women will deliver warm water to you.... on demand.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #9 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 12:51 AM
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Re: Wife is emotionally detached

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Originally Posted by Moliverna View Post
I'd think the same thing. She's not talking to men on her phone or on Facebook or anything else. I'm on her phone sometimes to send faxes. Her apps are always open and phone never locked so I can't see something. She's listening to this one show she used to watch as a child and she loves that show. Or watching videos or researching things.

But I agree I can't let her abuse me because of what she went through. It's hard when you have a child. I don't wanna mess him up as well.

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Him growing up seeing his father getting abused is going to mess him up much worse.

I don't think you have to divorce her yet, but you have to tell her either she changes or you are going to. You need to stand up for yourself if not for you for your son. He is learning patterns from your marriage. Just like your wife learned from her Mom. Is it any coincidence that a women whose mother hid her children from their father treats her own children's father like an after thought. One day you may watch your son's wife treat him like your wife treats you if you are not careful.

I suspect you suffer from codependency, you might want to get a book or two on that. Right now you don't have a healthy relationship and if you don't change your wife isn't going to.

You don't have to divorce her but you can separate for a while and let her decide if that is how she wants to live. She may divorce you and then you are not responsible. Or she may decide to finally get help.

By the way the tricking her to think you were cheating was very passive aggressive way of dealing with your issue, attacking problems like that doesn't particularly make you attractive to women. The like men who are assertive even if it is with them. Weak men make women feel unsafe. Part of what we provide for them is safety, both physically and emotionally. You would do much better with your wife if you stand up to her. She will respect you more and it may change her attitude. There is a book that lots of people recommend here called "No More Mr. Nice Guy" you can find a pdf online. You might want to read it.

Are you sure, SHE is sure you didn't cheat? You say here, I only did it to get her attention, but frankly that is like cheater speak 101. I wouldn't believe it if I were her. Why couldn't you just say, we go to counseling or I am done.

Also why a few dating sites? One wasn't enough to get her attention? Something doesn't pass the smell test about that. Are you sure you are not being passive aggressive here with us about this? Like maybe you were thinking about cheating and just chickened out or got caught before you did. That seems more likely since it was more then one site. I wonder if this has been the dynamic in your relationship. You not directly addressing problems with her and in general. That will cause a women to lose respect for a man real quick.

Last edited by sokillme; 04-09-2017 at 01:13 AM.
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post #10 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 08:09 AM
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Re: Wife is emotionally detached

For her to just turn everything off is not normal. Only thing I can think of is her being unhappy with the move. Maybe she misses everybody back home.

Could she be having an affair with someone very locally. Someone that she doesn't have to call or text. Don't dismiss a possibility of an OM because you don't think she has time.

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post #11 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 08:29 AM
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Re: Wife is emotionally detached

Something is here that you're missing. You say that this problem occurred rather quickly 7 years ago. It's been 7 years and you've been living like this?
Then 2.5 years ago when you moved, it got even worse?

Either figure out what it is, tell her to help you fix whatever it is and as said, give her a time limit.

You are just giving up your life for a person that seems to not give a flip about you.
It's a totally ridiculous thing to do.

It's simple: she either starts treating you like a husband, or you find someone who will.

Honestly, 7 years????????
What's YOUR problem?
Geez, do something. It doesn't matter if she's cheating or whatever............ if this is how it is, you set her free. Do you love her so little you don't want her happy? Do you hate yourself so much that you think you don't deserve happiness?

Move forward. Whether it's right or wrong, move forward. Do something. Doing nothing has gotten you here.
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post #12 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 09:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is emotionally detached

Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
Him growing up seeing his father getting abused is going to mess him up much worse.

I don't think you have to divorce her yet, but you have to tell her either she changes or you are going to. You need to stand up for yourself if not for you for your son. He is learning patterns from your marriage. Just like your wife learned from her Mom. Is it any coincidence that a women whose mother hid her children from their father treats her own children's father like an after thought. One day you may watch your son's wife treat him like your wife treats you if you are not careful.

I suspect you suffer from codependency, you might want to get a book or two on that. Right now you don't have a healthy relationship and if you don't change your wife isn't going to.

You don't have to divorce her but you can separate for a while and let her decide if that is how she wants to live. She may divorce you and then you are not responsible. Or she may decide to finally get help.

By the way the tricking her to think you were cheating was very passive aggressive way of dealing with your issue, attacking problems like that doesn't particularly make you attractive to women. The like men who are assertive even if it is with them. Weak men make women feel unsafe. Part of what we provide for them is safety, both physically and emotionally. You would do much better with your wife if you stand up to her. She will respect you more and it may change her attitude. There is a book that lots of people recommend here called "No More Mr. Nice Guy" you can find a pdf online. You might want to read it.

Are you sure, SHE is sure you didn't cheat? You say here, I only did it to get her attention, but frankly that is like cheater speak 101. I wouldn't believe it if I were her. Why couldn't you just say, we go to counseling or I am done.

Also why a few dating sites? One wasn't enough to get her attention? Something doesn't pass the smell test about that. Are you sure you are not being passive aggressive here with us about this? Like maybe you were thinking about cheating and just chickened out or got caught before you did. That seems more likely since it was more then one site. I wonder if this has been the dynamic in your relationship. You not directly addressing problems with her and in general. That will cause a women to lose respect for a man real quick.
We've been in counseling for a year almost now. How could anyone be totally sure she didn't cheat but I'm pretty sure. I'd be a miracle for me not to see any texts or calls or emails or something.

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post #13 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 09:32 AM
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Re: Wife is emotionally detached

Divorce. This is neglect and abusive. Sorry, that is the reality of your situation. She is what she is at this point in time but if you detach, learn to let go of the things that cause you pain that you have no control over, you can restart. This is a learning process for you. Failure is not learning a lesson when life throws you a wrench.

Look at the facts. The marriage is worse, she needs you and not that she wants you. She is likely to be this way towards anyone. She is causing you to develop unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Your vows can supercede your long-term health, the possibility of having your children have healthy role models for guidance and to be around, you as a person. I am willing to stay with someone through the good times and the bad as long as they put effort into it or they are simply using me. You are the giver and her the taker. She does not respect you. Your pain from her lack of love and neglect shows that. You are a possession to make her feel safe. You can feel sorry for her, but don't martyr yourself and your life for her. There should be ahealthy balance. There is support and there is you that is sacrificing too much that it becomes detrimental to your mental and physical health. Who will support you if your spouse is unable to be there for you.

These are things you need to ask yourself. Lots of people are hurt as children. Would you feel sorry for a drug dealer that does it originally to find food an shelter, knowing they were dealing since adolesence? Fact is, many dysfunctional people have levels of dysfunction you just happen to know more intimate details about this particular person.

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post #14 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 09:39 AM
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Re: Wife is emotionally detached

When a marriage has hit the rocks, cutting the rigging is sometimes the only way to save the ship. You and your kid are the ship. See a lawyer and get yourself out of this shipwreck.
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post #15 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 11:28 AM
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Re: Wife is emotionally detached

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
Something is here that you're missing. You say that this problem occurred rather quickly 7 years ago. It's been 7 years and you've been living like this?

Then 2.5 years ago when you moved, it got even worse?



Either figure out what it is, tell her to help you fix whatever it is and as said, give her a time limit.



You are just giving up your life for a person that seems to not give a flip about you.

It's a totally ridiculous thing to do.



It's simple: she either starts treating you like a husband, or you find someone who will.



Honestly, 7 years????????

What's YOUR problem?

Geez, do something. It doesn't matter if she's cheating or whatever............ if this is how it is, you set her free. Do you love her so little you don't want her happy? Do you hate yourself so much that you think you don't deserve happiness?



Move forward. Whether it's right or wrong, move forward. Do something. Doing nothing has gotten you here.


Because it's passive aggressive to accept unacceptable behaviour for long periods of time and then blame someone else 7years later. Just how it works. Now, time to deal with it.


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