Husband is cruel - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:30 PM Thread Starter
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Husband is cruel

Married 12 years. My husband and I don't believe in divorce, but I am seriously wondering if that is my only option. He says and does cruel things to me for absolutely no reason. This last 3 weeks he has said/done: Kissing me grosses him out, I am boring so he doesn't want to spend time with me, he's thrown objects at me because he fell asleep on the couch so I woke him up and asked if he wanted to come to bed with me being that it was 1am and he started screaming at me and throwing things at me, refuses to touch me whatsoever (haven't kissed once in months let alone have sex), I approached him and said I was severely depressed and didn't want to live a lot of days and asked if he could please just talk to me, I promised him it had nothing to do with him and I just needed someone to talk to and he said, "I really don't care." This is the short list. When I try to suggest counseling he refuses to go. When I try to talk to him he rolls his eyes and says I need to stop b****ing at him. I practice for days what and how I should say things to ensure it's short and not "complaining" but anything I mention at all is construed as "b****ing" so I ask how else I'm supposed to approach xyz and he says I'm to accept whatever he says and does. I'm so lonely and confused because he flat out says he loves me and doesn't want a divorce but his actions and words say otherwise. I am attractive, I havent gained weight or anything, I'm about 5'2 and 115 pounds. I simply love him and want to make this work but he doesn't think there's a problem or doesn't care if there is one. If I talk to a friend about what's going on he blows up and screams at me, probably because he's embarrassed, so I have no one to turn to and vent to because I'm trying to avoid angering him. Now one of the problems I have with divorce is we have a special needs child that needs round the clock care. It would be physically impossible for me to work a full time job because of our son, I would have no way of supporting myself and he has told me if I left him he would take our kids away from me and gain custody of them to hurt me.. I don't want to risk that because he screams at them all the time if he has to care for them. They are simply terrified of him. I would like to work on things but don't know how if he won't try. What can I do to make this better? Please don't judge me, I can't take it anymore. Please.


Last edited by Calieindie; 04-08-2017 at 10:47 PM.
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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 11:58 PM
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Re: Husband is cruel

That is no way to live. If he won't work in it, your options are very limited. You either learn to live with it or divorce.
His threat to take custody is not realistic. It simply doesn't work that way. He is just manipulating you into staying. Please consult a lawyer and find out your rights.
What you are describing is unhealthy for you and your children.
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 12:07 AM
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Re: Husband is cruel

He sounds abusive, in multiple ways. He will not be able to take your kids from you. Also, you will be entitled to support from him if you have been mostly a stay at home mom with your special needs child. He knows you are afraid of him and of separating so he believes he doesn't have to change because you will stay with him no matter what he says or does. It's time to prove him wrong. Making a believer out of him may be your only chance at saving this marriage (if that is what you really want). He needs a big time wake up call.

Plus, if he isn't having sex with you, its high time you wonder who he IS having sex with...

Honey I'm sorry you found yourself here, and that you are in such a bad situation. I hope things can get resolved for you and your kids. He sounds like a total dill hole.

Ciao,

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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 12:31 AM
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Re: Husband is cruel

You say that he gets angry if you talk to anyone about your problems with him. How does he know that you are talking to someone about this?

Your husband very emotionally/verbally abusive.

You say that the throws things at you when you try to wake him on to go to bed. Does the throw things at other times? Does he break things, pound on objects like furniture, punch walls/doors/etc? Does he ever hit you, push you, twist your arm, grab you, etc. in anger?
Do you have access to money? Or does he control the money?


The first thing you need to do is to start looking out for yourself here. You need to build a support system. Is there someone like a family member or friend you who can confided in? Someone who is a good head on their shoulders? You would also benefit from getting into counseling.

What kinds of things do you do for yourself? Do you ever get out with friends and extended family?
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 12:35 AM
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Re: Husband is cruel

And to second what others have said, he cannot take your children away from you. Some men, usually abusive men, threaten their wife with taking the children away. Well, he cannot do that. From what you wrote, you are the primary care giver. Plus you can ask the court to do a custody evaluation. They can talk to your children and your children can tell them about being afraid of their father.

When I divorced my son's father, I asked for a custody evaluation. They talked to my son and to both me and my now ex. Their conclusion was that my ex had a bad relationship with our son. So he got limited time with our son and had to go to counseling for 2 years before they would allow him more time with our son.
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 03:51 AM
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Re: Husband is cruel

Quote:
Originally Posted by Calieindie View Post
Married 12 years. My husband and I don't believe in divorce, but I am seriously wondering if that is my only option. He says and does cruel things to me for absolutely no reason. This last 3 weeks he has said/done: Kissing me grosses him out, I am boring so he doesn't want to spend time with me, he's thrown objects at me because he fell asleep on the couch so I woke him up and asked if he wanted to come to bed with me being that it was 1am and he started screaming at me and throwing things at me, refuses to touch me whatsoever (haven't kissed once in months let alone have sex), I approached him and said I was severely depressed and didn't want to live a lot of days and asked if he could please just talk to me, I promised him it had nothing to do with him and I just needed someone to talk to and he said, "I really don't care." This is the short list. When I try to suggest counseling he refuses to go. When I try to talk to him he rolls his eyes and says I need to stop b****ing at him. I practice for days what and how I should say things to ensure it's short and not "complaining" but anything I mention at all is construed as "b****ing" so I ask how else I'm supposed to approach xyz and he says I'm to accept whatever he says and does. I'm so lonely and confused because he flat out says he loves me and doesn't want a divorce but his actions and words say otherwise. I am attractive, I havent gained weight or anything, I'm about 5'2 and 115 pounds. I simply love him and want to make this work but he doesn't think there's a problem or doesn't care if there is one. If I talk to a friend about what's going on he blows up and screams at me, probably because he's embarrassed, so I have no one to turn to and vent to because I'm trying to avoid angering him. Now one of the problems I have with divorce is we have a special needs child that needs round the clock care. It would be physically impossible for me to work a full time job because of our son, I would have no way of supporting myself and he has told me if I left him he would take our kids away from me and gain custody of them to hurt me.. I don't want to risk that because he screams at them all the time if he has to care for them. They are simply terrified of him. I would like to work on things but don't know how if he won't try. What can I do to make this better? Please don't judge me, I can't take it anymore. Please.
What do you love about this man?

Theres no way he will get the kids. Please call a lawyer and get a free conultation you might be suprised what your entiled to in a divorce.
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 05:30 AM
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Re: Husband is cruel

This is what happens when you haven't educated yourself by going to a lawyer to find out what your options are and what a divorce would look like in your situation. You believe whatever this bully tells you and you cower in fear thinking you're a prisoner because your abusive husband claims he's going to 'take your kids away.'

Let's make one thing clear - this guy isn't going to be the recipient of the Father of the Year Award in this lifetime OR the next.

Stop living your life in fear because you believe everything this nasty fool tells you.

From the sounds of it, he's a complete assclown who isn't capable of caring for a goldfish, much less a couple of kids and a special needs child on top of it. I'd be surprised if he actually lasted one full 48 hour weekend doing it all by himself (if you finally left this loser).

Educate yourself. Get to a lawyer.
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 05:39 AM
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Re: Husband is cruel

I thought the same thing as chillymorn69 when I read your post "what do you love about this man?" or more precisely "how can you love this man?".

I think deep down you do not love him, I think you are just use to him being apart of your daily life and you are fooling yourself that it's love. The man is a bully at the least or probably better defined as an abuser.

You absolutely need to get to a lawyer for a consultation. You have more rights and options than I think you realize, not just child support and alimony but government programs that you may be eligible for since you have a special needs child.

Saying you don't believe in divorce and you love your abuser is just your fear talking. You know you want to get away from the man, and no one would blame you, now you need to muster up the courage to do it.
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