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post #31 of 257 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 02:16 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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She's controlling you by forcing you to accept her decision to vacation without you without discussing it with you first.

You have every right to be upset that your wife is not treating you like a partner in your marriage.
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post #32 of 257 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 02:19 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

It is rotten. Not the trip but the attitude and deceit leading up to it.

I would not stand for it.
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post #33 of 257 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 02:33 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

IMO you are in for long hard road with this. You seem to be trying hard to make excuses or reasons for her behavior but there aren't any


You are trying hard not to see what you're in but you'd better wake up
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post #34 of 257 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 03:06 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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You are probably right. Time to have a serious discussion bc she does think anytime I say we should talk about things first that it is controlling. And would certainly not be that way if I did it.
There are plenty of women that like to play the "controlling" card; sometimes it's warranted, but, often enough, it's not. And here's the deal -- it's a faux feminist male shaming tactic aimed at making you feel like knuckle-dragging Neanderthal.

Oh, and it has the added benefit of shutting down whatever discussion was going on when the card was pulled out of the deck.

How did your wife's first marriage end?

Did you meet her before or after it ended?

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #35 of 257 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 03:21 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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There are plenty of women that like to play the "controlling" card; sometimes it's warranted, but, often enough, it's not. And here's the deal -- it's a faux feminist male shaming tactic aimed at making you feel like knuckle-dragging Neanderthal.

Oh, and it has the added benefit of shutting down whatever discussion was going on when the card was pulled out of the deck.
I'd own it completely. "Yeah, I'm controlling....you say that like it's a bad thing."


Some control, jealousy, and possessiveness is attractive in a partner and relationship. It means the person cares.

I don't mean crazy stalker maniac stuff...I mean the healthy territorial feelings we have for our husbands/wives.
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post #36 of 257 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 03:56 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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I'd own it completely. "Yeah, I'm controlling....you say that like it's a bad thing."


Some control, jealousy, and possessiveness is attractive in a partner and relationship. It means the person cares.

I don't mean crazy stalker maniac stuff...I mean the healthy territorial feelings we have for our husbands/wives.
That's not what he is talking about.Gus is talking about women pulling the controlling card whenever ANY discussion is going against them,and he is right it is faux feminist bs.
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post #37 of 257 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 03:57 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

Married or not she'll be acting single for those 4 days, drinking and partying with her single friend...She won't be the wet blanket ol' married ladies when the single dudes start hitting on them. Don't ruin it for her.

There are places known for nightlife, drinking and debauchery - two of those are Vegas and New Orleans...

IMO both of those are weekend towns not 4 days...

Buckle up friend...
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post #38 of 257 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 04:09 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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Her last words of - "I'm not letting you ruin this for me" really opened up my eyes to it all.
Those are not the words of loving and sharing individual but someone who selfish, i suspect that her ex was not as bad as she let you know, and i do not think she was as innocent as she lead you to believe....good luck on your marriage, but i would look for small changes in her when she gets back. and you may want to start with checking her suitcase. you can always get an annulment.
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post #39 of 257 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 05:05 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
You've only been married 6 months, and your wife is keeping things from you, not discussing things with you, and is going to New Orleans without you. I'd suggest having a serious discussion with her about what you both expect now that you're married. That's not being controlling, and when women tell men that they're being controlling (I know this, because I've said it myself) they just want their own way. But, I bet that doesn't go both ways, if the roles were reversed and you called her controlling, she would probably not like it.

I wouldn't rug sweep this, just my opinion.
Couldn't have said it better myself. Controlling is manipulation 101 to discredit your opinion on something. You're a wise woman and bet your marriage lasts a long time
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post #40 of 257 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 05:15 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

germanchip1,

She is playing the old "you are controlling card". The best advice I have ever read here is "You can't control anyone, but you can control what you will put up with".


Last edited by Space Mountain; 04-09-2017 at 08:13 PM.
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post #41 of 257 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 05:30 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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Originally Posted by germanchip1 View Post
She had a very controlling ex before so I feel she carries that heavily into our relationship. She keeps saying she doesn't need my approval to go. I'm not asking for approval but it just doesn't feel right that there was no conversation about it. I don't know. And I do feel like couples should do things together like vacations. Maybe I'm old fashioned.
Maybe her ex had to be controlling because her head is hard as stone and her intentions are as blurry and sticky as a young child's sunglasses.

What is true: She has limited vacation time. However, she can take it when she wants [within reason], But, she wants to use it to satisfy her desires and her needs. It is obvious she puts herself first. Most companies want you to use up your vacation time. They just want a reasonable heads-up.

Her attitude: This IS troublesome. She is not a partner; comes across as a competitor. She could have come with you on your trip. It did not suit her. She wanted a more exciting trip. Keep tabs on her. She may stray and play while drinking up Bourbon Street night life.

Family life is probably boring to her.

Her ex may have put her in the rear view mirror over her intractability. Do not assume that her ex was all bad and she was all "poifect".

This I sense: She wants what she wants, everyone else can pound sand.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #42 of 257 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 05:38 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
The important question is, what exactly are you doing on this weekend she'll be gone?

By the way, any answer that doesn't involve travel and alcohol is the wrong answer.
Does not compute.

He will be with his kids at his Grandma's house.

She will be with her girlfriend in party town. A completly different scenario.

As others have said...she still wants the single life.
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This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #43 of 257 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 05:38 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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Making a right isn't my intention.


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I think I know what you mean. lol

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post #44 of 257 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 06:21 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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Originally Posted by germanchip1 View Post
She had a very controlling ex before so I feel she carries that heavily into our relationship. She keeps saying she doesn't need my approval to go. I'm not asking for approval but it just doesn't feel right that there was no conversation about it. I don't know. And I do feel like couples should do things together like vacations. Maybe I'm old fashioned.
Yeah you go ahead and keep feeling hurt and being in your feelings.

Read what you wrote back to yourself out loud.

Her ex is not you. You've bent over backwards not to be that controlling ex, so when your wife tells you repeatedly she doesn't need your permission and then goes to the place you wanted to go to with her, without you.. why are you surprised?

Nothing wrong with taking separate vacations at all, that's not the point here, the point is this was all done with maximum misdirection until the last minute when she told you everything had been booked. Couples are supposed to talk it over and come to an arrangement.

Being hurt and in your feelings and not being her ex, she's done what she wants which is what she's done here.

Either continue as you've been all along, accept her behaviour and wait for the next thing she does without your approval or start not accepting this nonsense and standing up for yourself. You are not her ex, but don't be a doormat either.
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post #45 of 257 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 06:39 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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Good point that I should've added. I wish she was coming on vacation with me. In fact the original plan was to go to her Dads with all of the kids however she told me she couldn't take the vacation time. That's when I decided to take my kids to see their grandma rather than sit at home. But then to come find out that she took time off to go to New Orleans. Trust me I'd rather go on vacation together. I think that is important for couples. And I enjoy any time we get together.
Did you decide on your own or discuss it with your wife? Could she be doing this as an f you, because she wasn't consulted? (So not the right way to behave if she is, just asking the question).

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Originally Posted by germanchip1 View Post
Yeah I can see it now. How she suddenly can take vacation and has money. I'm sure she wants to do it without kids but we have every other weekend to ourselves so we could've gone together at anytime.

She's going with a single girlfriend. So I'm trying to figure out what all that means? How normal is it for women to do vacations like that? She keeps saying she should be able to go on vacation and take trips with her friends. Which ok I can accept. But then you pick the one place we've talked about for a couple years now but don't have any money or vacation time to go with me?
Going with a single gf doesn't mean she's having an affair - people here will be very quick to jump to that conclusion.

Bottom line, you are her husband. What you want should trump what her friend wants. You should be her number 1.

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Originally Posted by Space Mountain View Post
germanchip1,
She is playing the old "you are controlling card". The best advice I have ever read hear is "You can't control anyone, but you can control what you will put up with".
^^^This. SO much this. Your wife needs to know that this is a boundary issue for you, and that there will be consequences if she does it. You need to decide what those consequences will be.

As a general comment, from my point of view, I love my husband. He is my number one, he comes before everyone else in my life. I honestly can't imagine myself going through with something knowing that it will hurt him, I just can't, I love him too much.
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