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post #46 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 07:05 PM
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I think this is important: Is the "grandma" you are visiting and staying with YOUR mother, or your EX WIFE'S mother?

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post #47 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 07:13 PM Thread Starter
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I think this is important: Is the "grandma" you are visiting and staying with YOUR mother, or your EX WIFE'S mother?
My mom. I would never go to my exs. I'm not disrespectful like that.
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post #48 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 07:13 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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She had a very controlling ex before so I feel she carries that heavily into our relationship. She keeps saying she doesn't need my approval to go. I'm not asking for approval but it just doesn't feel right that there was no conversation about it. I don't know. And I do feel like couples should do things together like vacations. Maybe I'm old fashioned.
Did she or did he just have healthy boundaries?
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post #49 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 07:41 PM Thread Starter
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She had a very controlling ex before so I feel she carries that heavily into our relationship. She keeps saying she doesn't need my approval to go. I'm not asking for approval but it just doesn't feel right that there was no conversation about it. I don't know. And I do feel like couples should do things together like vacations. Maybe I'm old fashioned.
Did she or did he just have healthy boundaries?
So that is what I am trying to understand. What is or isn't healthy boundaries? That's why I'm lost on if I'm in the right or wrong here. Bc I've always been with someone that wanted to spend time with me. And we put each other first.
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post #50 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 08:15 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

That's a painful jolt into what she is really like it usually takes something like this to expose their true personality.Nice little arrangement going on you take the kids while shes off without a care in the world
Something like this could escalate into anything and just means more heart ache for you while she has the freedom of a single woman to drop everything and go
I think the not telling you about the plans while they were already in place was a shocking lie and deceit from a so called partner in life you couldnt forgive that and her secret plan
i think it is very telling of the true nature of your wife and it would be interesting to find out what her version of controlling is and what he was controlling her about you dont want to be just the next doormat
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post #51 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 08:26 PM
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She had a very controlling ex before so I feel she carries that heavily into our relationship. She keeps saying she doesn't need my approval to go. I'm not asking for approval but it just doesn't feel right that there was no conversation about it. I don't know. And I do feel like couples should do things together like vacations. Maybe I'm old fashioned.
Did she or did he just have healthy boundaries?
So that is what I am trying to understand. What is or isn't healthy boundaries? That's why I'm lost on if I'm in the right or wrong here. Bc I've always been with someone that wanted to spend time with me. And we put each other first.
Healthy boundaries are what you decide for yourself that you are unwilling to live with, and if your spouse does it anyway, even after you tell them they are hurting you, you tell them that's not going to work for you.
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post #52 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 08:34 PM
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You exerted a healthy boundary in your marriage, and she called you controlling. The fact that she called her X controlling is concerning, but honestly, it's a claim I hear so many women use, I think most don't realty understand how independent behavior is bad for marriage unless they are willing to read up on healthy marriages.
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post #53 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 08:40 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

I am all for equality in marriage, which means that decisions are made by both of us. I would never take a vacation without talking to my wife about it first.

I hate to say it, but I believe you made a mistake in marrying this woman. You are in for a long, hard road if you continue down this path. She is using her independence to control YOU.

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post #54 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 09:07 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

You are not wrong she is, she is also, disrespectful, deceitful, uncaring,and childish.



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post #55 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 09:28 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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Originally Posted by germanchip1 View Post
She had a very controlling ex before so I feel she carries that heavily into our relationship. She keeps saying she doesn't need my approval to go. I'm not asking for approval but it just doesn't feel right that there was no conversation about it. I don't know. And I do feel like couples should do things together like vacations. Maybe I'm old fashioned.
This is not the issue. The issue is she lied to you. That is at the core of what is wrong with this scenario.
Not only that, but she knew this would upset you and now she's gaslighting you. She is doing this by telling you she doesn't need your permission when she clearly knows that is not what you are saying. She is saying that to get the focus off what she's doing.

Has she made comments about not needing your permission in regards to other things that have happened?


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post #56 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 09:36 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

I can't believe anyone would think about going to NO LA or Las Vegas without their spouse. Her attitude simple multiplies that be a million.
Now why would a woman be lying about a trip to Bourbon Street? Hmmmm, I can only think of one thing. Sounds like her ex is the lucky one.
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post #57 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 09:49 PM
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So you were going to all go to her dad's for the week, but then she want able to take w week off of work. So then you decided to go away without her to your mom's. Was she included in that decision?

You keep saying "she can't afford" to go to LA with you. What's up with that? Why wouldn't you help fund a trip with your wife? I don't understand why you wouldn't afford it TOGETHER.
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post #58 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 10:27 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

What was her reaction when you told her that if she didn't want to take time off to visit her family you would just go ahead and visit YOURS instead?
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post #59 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 10:44 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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So you were going to all go to her dad's for the week, but then she want able to take w week off of work. So then you decided to go away without her to your mom's. Was she included in that decision?

You keep saying "she can't afford" to go to LA with you. What's up with that? Why wouldn't you help fund a trip with your wife? I don't understand why you wouldn't afford it TOGETHER.
This has absolutely nothing to do with what the problem is.

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post #60 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 11:39 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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Hi. So, I need some guidance. I'm trying to understand if I'm overreacting and letting something bother me that I shouldn't.

My wife of six months told me she was going to take a weekend getaway with one of her friends. No biggie as I was going to be in the midwest with my kids for break anyhow (blended marriage).

However, yesterday I found out that she is going to New Orleans with her girlfriend for four days. This came to a rather big surprise to me because we have talked about going to two places since we've been together (3+ years) - Vegas and New Orleans bc she's never been. We ended up getting married in Vegas in the fall so we could cross that off her bucket list. But now it seems like she's going with a friend to New Orleans instead of saving it for us.

We haven't been to New Orleans yet bc she keeps saying that she doesn't have the vacation time. She can't afford to go. And her ex won't take the kids. Yet somehow she was able to overcome all of those obstacles for this trip. She suddenly has money. Was able to take two days off and get her ex to take the kids an extra day or two. In addition, she booked it weeks ago but kept telling me that it was undecided when I asked over the last couple weeks. Then when I found out yesterday she kept saying that she doesn't need my approval or to check with me.

I don't know but I think I'm a good marriage you talk about things at least. Maybe she still ends up going but the way it went down and not telling me when asked bothers me. I turned down one offer from a friend to go to Vegas a year ago bc I wanted to go with her. Am I naive to be the one that cares or talks about things? Or am I just overreacting which I've done before.

It's bothering me. I'm not mad. I'm just really hurt bc I feel like I'm the only one that cares. I couldn't ever imagine talking to her about going somewhere together and then going with someone else. Ever. It basically says I don't want to go with you or be with you. Or no?

Is this the first step to the end? Does this say she doesn't value being around me as much as I do? Am I putting too much or too little into how this all went down and what it means? Do I need to start protecting myself so I don't get hurt shortly down the road? Lots going on in my head.
Yes, you are right to bring this up. Sounds like your W is taking your for granted. Just be honest and firm, no emotions, just say, surprising how you could do all that but not with me though we discussed it. Then go plan a trip with a male friend to the same place or somewhere she wanted to go. She needs to experience some of her own medicine, maybe you are too nice a guy. Read NMMNG.
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