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post #61 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 11:57 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

She doesn't need your permission to go.......
That's it in a nutshell.
She's telling you your opinion doesn't matter and to go screw your self.

You have got one of "those" on your hands.

Prepare to be a doormat.

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post #62 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 05:28 AM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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Originally Posted by germanchip1 View Post
Good point that I should've added. I wish she was coming on vacation with me. In fact the original plan was to go to her Dads with all of the kids however she told me she couldn't take the vacation time. That's when I decided to take my kids to see their grandma rather than sit at home. But then to come find out that she took time off to go to New Orleans. Trust me I'd rather go on vacation together. I think that is important for couples. And I enjoy any time we get together.
It sounds as though she doesn't get a break often from her kids because her less than stellar ex isn't exactly Father of the Year. Gotta be honest - taking her kids, adding yours to the mix, and bringing the whole crew to her father's house doesn't exactly sound like a 'vacation' to me at all. It just sounds like she'd be running a huge daycare center at her dad's house the entire time she was there.

If I were her, I would have picked New Orleans, too. Sorry.

Last edited by She'sStillGotIt; 04-11-2017 at 10:38 AM.
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post #63 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 06:08 AM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
It sounds as though she doesn't get a break often from her kids because her than stellar ex isn't exactly Father of the Year. Gotta be honest - taking her kids, adding yours to the mix, and bringing the whole crew to her father's house doesn't exactly sound like a 'vacation' to me at all. It just sounds like she'd be running a huge daycare center at her dad's house the entire time she was there.

If I were her, I would have picked New Orleans, too. Sorry.
You would disrespect your husband and go to a place like New Orleans with a single friend? Ok.

Point is she wants to go alone. Simple as that. If not, there would have been some compromising, all kids at the ex's then they could have gone somewhere together.

And the not being able to take time off, not enough money BS, when all of a sudden when he's committed to taking his and her kids away to his mother's, all of a sudden she can get the time off and has enough money?

I'd be a little pissed. In fact, I'd tell her "Have a nice time, I'll have the divorce papers ready for you to sign when you get back"
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post #64 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 06:10 AM
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Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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Originally Posted by germanchip1 View Post
Taking my kids to spend time with their grandma that they only see once or twice a year. But I will need to drink this weekend. Lol. Lord knows the wife already said she was getting drunk to her friend.


Getting drunk in New Orleans? Is that possible?

Maybe she plans to go to the WWII museum, the aquarium, or the zoo.

Ha.

Btw, when is she going? I'll be there next week (with my wife). She never would permit me to go there by myself and my buddy for four days. Rightfully so.

Last edited by 225985; 04-10-2017 at 06:15 AM.
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post #65 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 06:27 AM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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Getting drunk in New Orleans? Is that possible?

Maybe she plans to go to the WWII museum, the aquarium, or the zoo.

Ha.

Btw, when is she going? I'll be there next week (with my wife). She never would permit me to go there by myself and my buddy for four days. Rightfully so.
Because spending one day each at the museum, aquarium, and the zoo leaves one full day and she's concerned you'd get bored on the fourth day. She'd let you go for three days.
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post #66 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 08:14 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

I didn't have a problem when she said she was going to do something with her friend for the weekend. Yes, she does need to get away from the kids once in a while. Although, keep in mind that we don't have any kids every other weekend.

My issues are that she decided to go to the one place we talked about going together. That she said she didn't have money to do a big weekend trip with me. That she didn't have any vacation time she could take off. Then she hides the fact that she is going to New Orleans for weeks after I've asked if they figured out what they were doing and she kept saying they hadn't.
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post #67 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 08:16 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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Originally Posted by 225985 View Post
Getting drunk in New Orleans? Is that possible?

Maybe she plans to go to the WWII museum, the aquarium, or the zoo.

Ha.

Btw, when is she going? I'll be there next week (with my wife). She never would permit me to go there by myself and my buddy for four days. Rightfully so.
She's going this Thursday through Monday. I couldn't ever imagine going anywhere like that on a trip with friends without a serious discussion with my wife.
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post #68 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 08:20 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
She doesn't need your permission to go.......
That's it in a nutshell.
She's telling you your opinion doesn't matter and to go screw your self.

You have got one of "those" on your hands.

Prepare to be a doormat.

Her exact words were - "I should be allowed to go wherever I want without asking for permission." Then prior to that she flat out said, "I'm not asking permission." Then kept asking, "So, I'm only allowed to go somewhere that you approve of?"
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post #69 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 08:26 AM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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Hi. So, I need some guidance. I'm trying to understand if I'm overreacting and letting something bother me that I shouldn't.

My wife of six months told me she was going to take a weekend getaway with one of her friends. No biggie as I was going to be in the midwest with my kids for break anyhow (blended marriage).

However, yesterday I found out that she is going to New Orleans with her girlfriend for four days. This came to a rather big surprise to me because we have talked about going to two places since we've been together (3+ years) - Vegas and New Orleans bc she's never been. We ended up getting married in Vegas in the fall so we could cross that off her bucket list. But now it seems like she's going with a friend to New Orleans instead of saving it for us.

We haven't been to New Orleans yet bc she keeps saying that she doesn't have the vacation time. She can't afford to go. And her ex won't take the kids. Yet somehow she was able to overcome all of those obstacles for this trip. She suddenly has money. Was able to take two days off and get her ex to take the kids an extra day or two. In addition, she booked it weeks ago but kept telling me that it was undecided when I asked over the last couple weeks. Then when I found out yesterday she kept saying that she doesn't need my approval or to check with me.

I don't know but I think I'm a good marriage you talk about things at least. Maybe she still ends up going but the way it went down and not telling me when asked bothers me. I turned down one offer from a friend to go to Vegas a year ago bc I wanted to go with her. Am I naive to be the one that cares or talks about things? Or am I just overreacting which I've done before.

It's bothering me. I'm not mad. I'm just really hurt bc I feel like I'm the only one that cares. I couldn't ever imagine talking to her about going somewhere together and then going with someone else. Ever. It basically says I don't want to go with you or be with you. Or no?

Is this the first step to the end? Does this say she doesn't value being around me as much as I do? Am I putting too much or too little into how this all went down and what it means? Do I need to start protecting myself so I don't get hurt shortly down the road? Lots going on in my head.
I understand how you feel about this, my wife just returned from a trip to Mexico with a friend of hers. The two of them had been talking about going away together for years but were never able to get it together until now. My wife also takes a trip to Italy each year with friends and family to ski. All they do is ski for a week and since both myself and my son are not really into skiing, we don't go. We haven't been away together on vacation in about 2 years, pretty much since we really started having problems. It does bother me that she can find time to take these trips but can never seem to find time for trips with me. The one thing I will say is that since she's returned from this latest trip with her friend, her attitude towards me and our relationship does seem much better. If the two of you spend most of your time together, sometimes I think it's good to take separate vacations. That time apart can help clear your heads of any little problems you may be having and actually help the relationship.
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post #70 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 08:36 AM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

Chip:

Google the term "gaslighting". It will make sense when you read it.

Next, I want you to read this link: https://www.lynneforrest.com/article...ces-of-victim/

Then you need to have this one-sided conversation with your wife, and you must be calm and firm when you do so:

"Wife, first you lie about having the time off available. Then you lie about having the money available. Then you lie about the location until the last minute. Then when I point these things out to you, you accuse me of being controlling. I thought I had married a person with integrity and commitment. You have shown me that I was wrong on both counts."

Then walk away. If she insists on trying to continue the discussion, simply hold your hand up and say:

"Discussions about relationships are for those whose actions demonstrate they are committed to the relationship. Until you stop to stop gaslighting me, you are making it clear that is not the case."

Then walk away again.

A wise poster, since banned, once said the following:

"Always give defiant people what they want. It rarely works out like they expect."

In order for you to do so, you have to realize you married someone who may not be marriage material, and you must be willing to set her free if she is who she is showing right now. Her actions will show you who she is. Watch not what she says, but rather what she does.


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"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #71 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 08:44 AM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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Originally Posted by germanchip1 View Post
Her exact words were - "I should be allowed to go wherever I want without asking for permission." Then prior to that she flat out said, "I'm not asking permission." Then kept asking, "So, I'm only allowed to go somewhere that you approve of?"
Ask her who will watch the kids as you are going to New Orleans with a single buddy yourself?

Please follow the goose and gander logic and don't make me spell it out...
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post #72 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 08:55 AM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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She's going this Thursday through Monday. I couldn't ever imagine going anywhere like that on a trip with friends without a serious discussion with my wife.
If you have the financial resources, hire a PI firm to snoop on her in NOLA. It doesn't have to be a 24/7 operation, just the prime times, that say there could be some problems.

If there is something going on, they will document it with time logs, photos, etc.

Best to be safe rather than sorry.
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post #73 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 09:08 AM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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Originally Posted by germanchip1 View Post
I didn't have a problem when she said she was going to do something with her friend for the weekend. Yes, she does need to get away from the kids once in a while. Although, keep in mind that we don't have any kids every other weekend.

My issues are that she decided to go to the one place we talked about going together. That she said she didn't have money to do a big weekend trip with me. That she didn't have any vacation time she could take off. Then she hides the fact that she is going to New Orleans for weeks after I've asked if they figured out what they were doing and she kept saying they hadn't.
Your issues are that she's a liar.

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post #74 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 09:16 AM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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Yes, you are right to bring this up. Sounds like your W is taking your for granted. Just be honest and firm, no emotions, just say, surprising how you could do all that but not with me though we discussed it. Then go plan a trip with a male friend to the same place or somewhere she wanted to go. She needs to experience some of her own medicine, maybe you are too nice a guy. Read NMMNG.
If you do this tactic go full "boar". No typo.

Bring swim trunks [new Speedos], a nicely cut new sports jacket and slacks. Lay your tripping clothes on the bed so she can see them.

When her face turns bright red, her guts quiver and she asks "WHAT are these for"?

Holding the Speedos, tell her: "The Hotel has a huge pool that connects to the bar. I love to swim." "Especially, in the heat. It is hot, even at night. Everyone is doing this at night".

The sports jacket: "My buddy has a friend that manages the Goldmine Saloon". "He said to dress up nice".

She will accuse you of trying to pick up women. Give her an angry look. Tell her: "That is over the top and controlling!"

Saying and writing this is a hoot.

Actually going through with this will become an "Exit Declare"!

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

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post #75 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 09:20 AM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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I didn't have a problem when she said she was going to do something with her friend for the weekend. Yes, she does need to get away from the kids once in a while. Although, keep in mind that we don't have any kids every other weekend.

My issues are that she decided to go to the one place we talked about going together. That she said she didn't have money to do a big weekend trip with me. That she didn't have any vacation time she could take off. Then she hides the fact that she is going to New Orleans for weeks after I've asked if they figured out what they were doing and she kept saying they hadn't.
You may not want to openly admit it but clearly you are upset, otherwise you would not have vented here about it. What does your gut tell you?

Ask yourself the following questions. Would you have had a problem if she had gone to Las Vegas? What if she went outside the country or someplace where you could not get in contact with her easily? Would that have mattered to you? If you raised those concerns, do you think she would have responded differently?

According to you, she wanted to go to New Orleans. She knew that you wanted to go there with her and that her going without you would make you upset. Regardless of when she actually divulged it, she knew it would trigger you.

You've already gotten some good advice that would have helped me in my own situation years ago had I been aware. All I can really say is that this will likely not be the only time she will expect to go off on her own without your "permission."
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