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post #91 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 02:12 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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Originally Posted by germanchip1 View Post
Yes she has kids as well. And as I said her ex was very controlling. So you hit it on the nail with the independence. She's made that comment before. Saying that we should be able to do our own thing. Which yes. To a degree. But like you said we need interdependence where we talk about things. And she doesn't see it that way. She views talking about it as a way of control. Bc of her past.
Doing you own thing means getting one's hair and nails done without the spouse there. Book of the Month Club, etc. Not vacationing sans husband and kids. Just odd.


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post #92 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 02:41 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

You've only been married for six months? With her present attitude I'd venture to guess that you're only an even money bet to make it to a year.
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post #93 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 02:46 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

1. A newly Married woman going for a weekend of drinking and debauchery with a single friend in New Orleans.
2. Didn't have money or time to do something with her husband---- until single bud was free for drinking.
3. Ignored husband and secretly made concrete plans for single bud trip.
4. When asked in a reasonable way about trip and secret plans--- says "I don't need your permission".
5. Calls husband of 6 months "controlling".

6. And most importantly:
Has an obvious strong desire to go out drinking w a single friend in a city far away that is known for debauchery.

Yet, some posters don't see the problem???????

I see a huge problem.
One that needs to be dealt with.
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post #94 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 02:51 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

Switch the genders and it would still be a problem.

It's not just a 'wife' issue.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #95 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 02:59 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
1. A newly Married woman going for a weekend of drinking and debauchery with a single friend in New Orleans.
2. Didn't have money or time to do something with her husband---- until single bud was free for drinking.
3. Ignored husband and secretly made concrete plans for single bud trip.
4. When asked in a reasonable way about trip and secret plans--- says "I don't need your permission".
5. Calls husband of 6 months "controlling".

6. And most importantly:
Has an obvious strong desire to go out drinking w a single friend in a city far away that is known for debauchery.

Yet, some posters don't see the problem???????

I see a huge problem.
One that needs to be dealt with.
There's a definite problem.

The question is: How far does the OP want to go to find out how deep the problem goes?
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post #96 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 03:02 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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1. A newly Married woman going for a weekend of drinking and debauchery with a single friend in New Orleans.
This x 1000

OP, Thursday to Monday in New Orleans. Let's see. They certainly will go to Pat O'Briens and try the Hurricanes. At least one, maybe a second. The drinks are fruity. 30-60 minutes later she will barely be able to stand. They will feel great. They may or may not get hit on there if they are receptive, but they will feel great and then go to any other bar near there and certainly get hit on. Repeatedly. Guys will by them drinks. They will love that and it won't cost them a cent.

Years ago. my buddy and I started at Pat O's. Two hurricanes later, maybe three, I could barely talk. We went to an storefront Chinese restaurant. While I was ordering this drunk blonde came in. We started a chat. She starting eating my food. WTF? No problem there. She invited us to a party. Told us where to go when her friends came to find her. The fish that got away.

We spent a hour trying to find her, gave up and went to another bar. While in line waiting for table we met these two dunk college girls. Starting chatting. Shared a table. We paired up. 10 minutes later, getting physical. We showed them the town. I went home with my pair off. Where did she start her afternoon? Pat O's with hurricanes.

I ended up marrying her. So I have New Orleans and Pat O's to thank/blame for my marriage. I've been to NO dozens of times. Gotten drunk most of the time and I am not even a tourist.

TLDR: Your wife will get very drunk in NO and get hit on. Repeatedly. Whether she can resist cheating is your call.

But all that is incidental to what the others said. This is a power struggle.
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post #97 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 03:35 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

There's no power struggle whatsoever. She has let OP know that he doesn't count.

HIS FEELINGS DON'T COUNT.

The problem lies in the fact that she has the power--- and abuses it.

The other problem is that she WANTS to be cruising bars with single friends instead of vacationing with her husband doing family stuff.

Incompatibility.
I'm very sorry, OP.
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post #98 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 03:40 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
There's no power struggle whatsoever. She has let OP know that he doesn't count.

HIS FEELINGS DON'T COUNT.

The problem lies in the fact that she has the power--- and abuses it.

The other problem is that she WANTS to be cruising bars with single friends instead of vacationing with her husband doing family stuff.

Incompatibility.
I'm very sorry, OP.
I agree.

The OP W has tapped into his earning ability, stability and apparently an on demanded babysitter. You sir are no more than the "help" IMO. Sorry folks, W simply do not disregard their H in these type of matters.

No need to ruin it for your W. Begin the booking of your trip sans W and kids. Get your buddy involved. Assure it is a place similar to NO when it comes to nightlife and drinking. Let us know how it goes.

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post #99 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 03:41 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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You are not wrong she is, she is also, disrespectful, deceitful, uncaring,and childish.
Going to throw in selfish, too.

OP - This is not a good sign. It is a window into her consideration (or lack thereof) for you. Her not being forthcoming with her plans, which were already set, is very shady. Selfishness has no place in a marriage.

This scenario resembles a problem I had with my (now ex) husband and although it was a culmination of things that happened between him and I, selfishness is why we ultimately ended up getting a divorce. Not only is it selfish behavior but it erodes the trust between two people.

Last edited by Mrs.Sav; 04-10-2017 at 04:27 PM.
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post #100 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 04:03 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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There's a definite problem.

The question is: How far does the OP want to go to find out how deep the problem goes?
I think that all he has to do is tell her in no uncertain terms that her independent behavior is killing their relationship and it is not going to work for him.

Independent behavior= selfishness in marriage. BUT- most of us are told that independence is a GOOD thing, especially for a single mom, which is what she was experiencing before this second marriage.

OP, I think you have to address this issue, but go in knowing that she may not really "get" where you're coming from, and that's ok. You don't have to convince her. She just needs to know that it bothers you and hurts the relationship, so it needs to stop.

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post #101 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 04:15 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

She knows it bothers him. He told her.
She doesn't care.


She WANTS to spend time with a single bud drinking, rather than her NEW husband. People are going to do what makes them happy. She likes getting drunk and getting male attention. Let's be realistic. This "want" is not conducive to family life in a marriage.
This is not girls night out.
This is single and married women playing in the city like single women.

Her stuff should be waiting on the doorstep. It's OP's life. He gets to decide.

I just hope she doesn't want to run up huge debt or have kids or have sex with other men----- because she doesn't need his permission for that, either.
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post #102 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 04:19 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

He told her it bothered him but he wasn't sure if he was being reasonable. When you come from a place of knowing that you deserve to be treated like a partner in marriage and your spouse is not doing what is best for the relationship, you're in more of a position to set a boundary in your marriage.

I'd try that first. Be kind, but communicate that this is not going to work for you. And see her reaction.
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post #103 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 04:33 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

Get her to send pics of herself while in NO. Full length that her friend or waiter takes. Looks for the ring on the finger or lack thereof
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post #104 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 04:53 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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Op, I think you're overreacting. I'm sorry but I don't see it's a sign that your marriage is in trouble
At least you're true to your screen name!
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post #105 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 05:15 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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I will consider myself suitably chastised for daring to have a difference of opinion with such an awesome force of nature such as yourself.Im sure the ground trembles in your house when you enter it.


Hey there smartypants, I stated my opinion in a post with no reference to you whatsoever.

You butted in, corrected me, and told me that I didn't know what Gus's actual intentions were. I will absolutely concede to Gus if he chooses to correct me. But you can stick it in your ear.

Quote:
That's not what he is talking about.Gus is talking about women pulling the controlling card whenever ANY discussion is going against them,and he is right it is faux feminist bs.
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