Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble? - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

User Tag List

 647Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #106 of 257 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 05:27 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,498
Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

Quote:
Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post
Hey there smartypants, I stated my opinion in a post with no reference to you whatsoever.

You butted in, corrected me, and told me that I didn't know what Gus's actual intentions were. I will absolutely concede to Gus if he chooses to correct me. But you can stick it in your ear.
Smartypants!
Surely you can do better than that?

Andy1001 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #107 of 257 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 05:32 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,473
Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andy1001 View Post
Smartypants!
Surely you can do better than that?


The obscenity filter will translate it to asterisks; even if I did happen to hate you enough to say something really abusive.

I don't hate you. But your fingerwagging comment went right up my nose.
notmyrealname4 is offline  
post #108 of 257 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 05:34 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,498
Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

Quote:
Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post
The obscenity filter will translate it to asterisks; even if I did happen to hate you enough to say something really abusive.

I don't hate you. But your fingerwagging comment went right up my nose.
OK enough.I am digging at you and I apologise.
Andy1001 is offline  
 
post #109 of 257 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 05:41 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4,942
Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Livvie View Post
I still don't think we have the whole story. You say part of the reason you and your wife couldn't make it to LA together is because "she" could not afford it... You didn't say "we" couldn't afford it. You were not willing to pitch in funds for a vacation together? I totally don't understand that.
Interesting. I read it completely different. I read it like anytime he makes the suggestion to go to NO the words that come out of her mouth are "I can't afford it." If this is what she is actually saying, he shouldn't correct it to "we" in the telling of his side of the story. It should be written with "she."

edit:
Quote:
However, yesterday I found out that she is going to New Orleans with her girlfriend for four days. This came to a rather big surprise to me because we have talked about going to two places since we've been together (3+ years) - Vegas and New Orleans bc she's never been. We ended up getting married in Vegas in the fall so we could cross that off her bucket list. But now it seems like she's going with a friend to New Orleans instead of saving it for us.

We haven't been to New Orleans yet bc she keeps saying that she doesn't have the vacation time. She can't afford to go. And her ex won't take the kids. Yet somehow she was able to overcome all of those obstacles for this trip. She suddenly has money. Was able to take two days off and get her ex to take the kids an extra day or two. In addition, she booked it weeks ago but kept telling me that it was undecided when I asked over the last couple weeks. Then when I found out yesterday she kept saying that she doesn't need my approval or to check with me.
Okay, I see why we disagree. Nope, I can't see your version.

Last edited by phillybeffandswiss; 04-10-2017 at 05:45 PM.
phillybeffandswiss is offline  
post #110 of 257 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 05:50 PM
Forum Supporter
 
blueinbr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 6,292
Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andy1001 View Post
Smartypants!

Surely you can do better than that?


Are the diaper changes getting to you Andy?
blueinbr is offline  
post #111 of 257 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 05:52 PM
Forum Supporter
 
blueinbr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 6,292
Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

What happens in Nawlins stays in Nawlins.

Unless she gets pregnant.
blueinbr is offline  
post #112 of 257 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 06:16 PM
Member
 
lovelygirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,848
Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

I see her as irresponsible, uncaring towards your feelings and she's trying to walk over you given that you didn't stress your limits and deal breakers.
She's testing you and is getting away with little-to-no consequences.
It's like she married you for convenience. How can one not even communicate a plan to the other spouse, especially when this plan was supposed to be happening WITH the said spouse??

Goes beyond my logic. I just don't get it.

Childish.

Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
lovelygirl is offline  
post #113 of 257 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 06:43 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 133
Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

Lots of crazy issues.

But an idea might be to take a vacation to vegas with a friend or alone on the next available weekend you don't have child care duties. Try to plan the vacation so it is a mirror of her vacation. Don't discuss it with her ahead of time, other than to let her know you are going somewhere.

Don't take your wife. If she complains, tell her you don't need her permission. Tell her to stop being controlling. Copy her word for word. Go.

See how she feels about it.

It may be instructional. Will she realize the symmetry? I would hope so, and learn from it. But one can never tell. Is it a bit much? I don't think so, but I am against separate vacations. I think they tear couples apart.
WilliamM is offline  
post #114 of 257 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 08:01 PM
Forum Supporter
 
The Middleman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 1,887
Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

Quote:
Originally Posted by germanchip1 View Post
Her exact words were - "I should be allowed to go wherever I want without asking for permission." Then prior to that she flat out said, "I'm not asking permission." Then kept asking, "So, I'm only allowed to go somewhere that you approve of?"
Separate vacations to me are a big NO in a marriage. I don't know about you, but I know my personality, and I wouldn't be home when she got back.

OR ... I also might find myself, coincidentally, taking a vacation to the same city and staying at the same hotel as they are at the same time. I can be a spiteful bastard when I want to be.

She doesn't deserve your "understanding" with the way she is just totally ignoring your feelings. You may want to reconsider this whole marriage. She's carrying a lot of baggage.


"If more people were judgmental, then maybe there would be less infidelity"
The Middleman is offline  
post #115 of 257 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 09:04 PM
Member
 
Miss Independent's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: In your head
Posts: 606
Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve1000 View Post
At least you're true to your screen name!


What do you mean?

Op is overreacting.

Miss Independent is online now  
post #116 of 257 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 09:33 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 607
Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

Germanchip1, you exactly described my ex wife in your op and I will share with you what I learned from my experience. First of all, I am not and was not a controlling husband. I responded to my ex a little milder than you are portraying yourself here. I was only slightly annoyed and hurt at her indifferent and independent behavior ... little did I know what misery awaited me.

I'm convinced that my ex's behavior (and likely your wife's too) was a symptom of a more sinister problem that lay concealed underneath. I would describe the core problem as a profound lack of respect for and commitment to me (you) and our (your) marriage. It's the type of attitude that enables a person like this to walk away from your relationship without a second thought. All it takes is for the marriage to go through a little rough patch and bang, they will abandon ship just like that.

I could write a book on the dynamics involved here, but will simply tell you that if I had to do it all over again I would have had divorce papers waiting for her when she returned from her fling. It would have cut my losses and spared me a lot of agony. I normally wouldn't recommend such a response, but I'm convinced there's no saving a relationship with this type of person. I readily concede that YMMV and am only going from my own hard and harrowing experience. Good luck.
commonsenseisn't is offline  
post #117 of 257 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 09:46 PM
Forum Supporter
 
TX-SC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,540
Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Independent View Post
What do you mean?

Op is overreacting.
I don't believe he is overreacting at all.

So, let's say you and your husband talked at length about taking a trip that you both wanted to go on. You kept trying to arrange it, but he kept finding various reasons he couldn't go: not enough vacation time, too much work, not enough money, etc. Then, without even discussing it with you, he arranges to go with a buddy of his instead. In fact he tells you to "get over it" or calls you "controlling" if you even try to discuss how you feel about it.

That's how you think a marriage should be? If so, I'm glad I'm not married to someone like you!

The ONLY way this would be acceptable in my marriage is if she or I was offered some free tickets or a free trip to go with a friend. Even then, I would immediately tell my wife of the offer and ask her for her opinion. I'd consider how she may feel about it and might turn the trip down anyway just so she doesn't feel left out.

Then there's the "getting drunk with her single friend" thing too? Sorry, this whole deal is rotten to the core. If my wife did this, I wouldn't divorce her but you can be dang sure she wouldn't be invited on the cruise I'd be about to book to the Bahamas for when she got back from New Orleans!

BTW, I lived in NO for a couple of years and it's a great place to get laid. Especially for a couple of drunk women, married or not.

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk

"You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind!" Victor Von Frankenstein
TX-SC is offline  
post #118 of 257 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 11:09 PM
Member
 
Miss Independent's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: In your head
Posts: 606
Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

Quote:
Originally Posted by TX-SC View Post



If my wife did this, I wouldn't divorce her but you can be dang sure she wouldn't be invited on the cruise I'd be about to book to the Bahamas for when she got back from New Orleans!



Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk

Wouldn't it be childish?

Anyway, I have to get up at 4am. I'm going to reply to your hypothetical example tomorrow.

In the meantime @germanchip1, can you clarify a few things?

1. Did your wife ditch you to go with her friend?

2. How long has she been friends with her?

3. Was her trip with her friend cheaper than the one you two were planning?

4. Was the trip to Nola a family trip or couple?

5. You said that you turned out your friend proposition to go to Nola. Was it your choice?
Miss Independent is online now  
post #119 of 257 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 12:58 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,498
Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

Quote:
Originally Posted by blueinbr View Post
Are the diaper changes getting to you Andy?
I've been banned from diaper duty except in an emergency.
Andy1001 is offline  
post #120 of 257 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 06:02 AM
Forum Supporter
 
blueinbr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 6,292
Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

German

How old are you and your wife?
blueinbr is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
A woman who is in a relationship wants to go on a vacation ALONE???????? SMG15 The Social Spot 62 06-05-2016 02:34 PM
Vacation Without the Spouse Tortdog General Relationship Discussion 320 05-18-2016 03:19 PM
My nightmare vacation Corpuswife Relationships and Addiction 12 12-13-2015 02:43 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome