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post #121 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 11:17 AM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

I guess the honeymoon period is over for her.
She would rather spend time with a single friend than with you.
We don't have her side here, but we know that actions speak volumes and her actions mean that you're not her priority anymore.

Now you didn't seem to care until you heard the location, which suggests that you might not have her in your priorities either.

So just go back to not caring about each other and your marriage should be fine.

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post #122 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 11:29 AM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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Originally Posted by Miss Independent View Post
What do you mean?

Op is overreacting.
I just meant that your view on this seems in line with someone who places a strong value on independence. I meant it as a friendly gesture. In this specific case, I don't agree that the OP is overreacting, but your point of view is also important.
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post #123 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 08:46 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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@germanchip1 Unfortunately it doesn't matter what you and almost all of us think. You're wife will never think that she is doing anything wrong. Be prepared that if you tell your wife what you are thinking, you'll now be known as "the controlling husband".

How's the rest of your relationship?
I disagree, she does think it's wrong. Otherwise she would haven lying through her teeth about the trip for so long and is now putting the blame on him. I would be shocked at this point if she doesn't already have a meet up planned.

She knows her and her husband had this on their wish list. She knows exactly how she would feel if he pulled this stunt on her. This isn't a rabbit hole, it's Mammoth Cave.

Simply ask her to leave her rings at home........then hock them for your down payment on a lawyer.


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post #124 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 09:35 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
It sounds as though she doesn't get a break often from her kids because her less than stellar ex isn't exactly Father of the Year. Gotta be honest - taking her kids, adding yours to the mix, and bringing the whole crew to her father's house doesn't exactly sound like a 'vacation' to me at all. It just sounds like she'd be running a huge daycare center at her dad's house the entire time she was there.

If I were her, I would have picked New Orleans, too. Sorry.
C-Grade counter point.

Problem: She hid her plans from her husband and sprung it on him at the last minute, with no input from him. And that was one of the destinations on THEIR bucket list.

And she lame-excused earlier plans....by lying about not being able to get time off, and having no money. She has discounted her husbands feelings. She hides things.

Being independent is fine.....if both are of the same mindset. He is not. She knows this. Knew it would bother him. She did not care. When he showed hurt and concern, she got huffy.

Just sayin'?

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post #125 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 09:44 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
It sounds as though she doesn't get a break often from her kids because her less than stellar ex isn't exactly Father of the Year. Gotta be honest - taking her kids, adding yours to the mix, and bringing the whole crew to her father's house doesn't exactly sound like a 'vacation' to me at all. It just sounds like she'd be running a huge daycare center at her dad's house the entire time she was there.

If I were her, I would have picked New Orleans, too. Sorry.
I have to say that this post cracked me up. You have a way with words, She's Still Got It.

While I've posted different advice, I do think this is a valid point- just because she's going to New Orleans with a single girlfriend doesn't mean she's cruising other men. It might really have something to do with the logistical "baggage" of a blended family. I still don't think it makes it right, as she's behaving independently, doing what she wants regardless of how her husband feels about it, but I wouldn't assume she's trying to get together with other guys.
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post #126 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 10:10 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

I think some people are mixing the OP's problem with his current vacation. So, I disagree with the logistics of the blended family and her doing daycare.
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post #127 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 10:59 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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I didn't have a problem when she said she was going to do something with her friend for the weekend. Yes, she does need to get away from the kids once in a while. Although, keep in mind that we don't have any kids every other weekend.

My issues are that she decided to go to the one place we talked about going together. That she said she didn't have money to do a big weekend trip with me. That she didn't have any vacation time she could take off. Then she hides the fact that she is going to New Orleans for weeks after I've asked if they figured out what they were doing and she kept saying they hadn't.

Where did your wife miraculously find the money, and vacation time from work, for this trip?

She's not telling you everything. Can you put a GPA app on her phone to track her while in NOLA?

Since she doesn't want to act like a married woman, grant her wish and serve her with divorce papers when she returns.

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post #128 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 12:42 AM
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Is this kind of behavior typical with your new wife?

I think most of us would find her behavior, setting up the trip weeks in advanced without telling you major Issues. That would and should hurt anyone in your position. How could she not know it would hurt your feelings and be disrespectful. Unless she did not give a damn?

Sorry... A few nights in that City with her "friend" (have you meet her?) Instead of you is a big problem. She and her friend, drunk and dancing with other drunk guys... Things are going to happen?.

Rocky waters up ahead...
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post #129 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 07:58 AM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

Okay, let me explain my earlier post.
Quote:
Originally Posted by germanchip1 View Post

We haven't been to New Orleans yet bc she keeps saying that she doesn't have the vacation time. She can't afford to go. And her ex won't take the kids. Yet somehow she was able to overcome all of those obstacles for this trip.
Quote:
I'm sure she wants to do it without kids but we have every other weekend to ourselves so we could've gone together at anytime.
This is why I don't agree with the daycare scenario. You don't need to get the ex to "take the kids," if a trip was planned for the OP, his wife and all of the kids. Also, he says they have every other weekend free, with JUST the two of them and she STILL gave those reasons. So, she shrugged off a trip using multiple reasons, which now look like excuses, to make time for a friend and not her husband. One of two places she really wanted to go and he wanted to go with her. If she was HONEST about going with the friend, even with all of the current scare scenarios, I'd say he was overreacting. No, she hid the vacation until both of their plans were already made. Yes and I will say purposefully. If they have every other weekend FREE, why would she plan it on a weekend when the families are supposed to be together? You know, when the ex won't take them. She could have made the same plans on a weekend when the kids weren't there and never involved the ex.

I'd be pretty pissed as well. Add in the unnecessary lying and I'd be wondering about the end as well.
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post #130 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 08:09 AM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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Yeah I can see it now. How she suddenly can take vacation and has money. I'm sure she wants to do it without kids but we have every other weekend to ourselves so we could've gone together at anytime.

She's going with a single girlfriend. So I'm trying to figure out what all that means? How normal is it for women to do vacations like that? She keeps saying she should be able to go on vacation and take trips with her friends. Which ok I can accept. But then you pick the one place we've talked about for a couple years now but don't have any money or vacation time to go with me?

I see some flags here.

1) She has dismissed your feelings
2) She does this both about going on the trip and also going to a place on your mutual bucketlist
3) New Orleans is a party town. Are they going to check out the French Corridor architecture or are they going to party and if they are going to party, her single friend may be trying to hook up and that puts your wife in a compromising position
4) I disagree that your trip equates to hers. her trip is what single people do, your seems to be a family obligation
5) Why weren't things like this discussed before marriage ?
6) What broke off her first marriage ? Was he controlling or did she use that as an excuse to get out ?
7) I have been married 12 years together 20. We have only taken 2 big vacations apart. She wanted to do a band cruise and I wanted to visit friends in Wyoming. She normally goes to Wyoming with me and I did one of the cruises with her. This we discussed and agreed on and she was invited to Wyoming each time as I was the cruise. Never any exclusion. However, I feel she needed time with her friends on one as she felt the same for me. We were still invited though. I take many more weekend trips than she does fishing, golfing etc.... apart but most weekend trips are together. SO I WOULD be concerned with her attitude and her desire to be married to you while being the travel queen primarily with her friends. Why did she get married ?

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post #131 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 08:15 AM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
There are plenty of women that like to play the "controlling" card; sometimes it's warranted, but, often enough, it's not. And here's the deal -- it's a faux feminist male shaming tactic aimed at making you feel like knuckle-dragging Neanderthal.

Oh, and it has the added benefit of shutting down whatever discussion was going on when the card was pulled out of the deck.

How did your wife's first marriage end?

Did you meet her before or after it ended?

My thoughts exactly
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post #132 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 08:19 AM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

If you have to lie to your spouse in order to go on vacation, then, yes, you are in trouble.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


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post #133 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 08:30 AM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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Originally Posted by Miss Independent View Post
Wouldn't it be childish?

Anyway, I have to get up at 4am. I'm going to reply to your hypothetical example tomorrow.

In the meantime @germanchip1, can you clarify a few things?

1. Did your wife ditch you to go with her friend?

2. How long has she been friends with her?

3. Was her trip with her friend cheaper than the one you two were planning?

4. Was the trip to Nola a family trip or couple?

5. You said that you turned out your friend proposition to go to Nola. Was it your choice?

all of these questions are irrelevant to OP's problem here. His wife is doormatting him and who knows what her intentions are. I am more curious as to what her demons are from the first marriage and how those dynamics were brought into this marriage. He should consider an ultimatum or cutting her loose
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post #134 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 08:34 AM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

even though Chip hasn't responded in a day or so, if I was him, based on her reactions and her attitude, I may be on the phone to a good PI in NO today. It is worth the $$ to see what she's about now than to find out in some obscure way 10 years from now that you blew 10 years living a lie

Did she leave info on where she's staying ?

Another key will be how she treats him while he's gone. One of my buddies who stepped to the plate and divorced his now ex she took a similar trip to vegas. Called him one time in 5 days and texted him twice. Turns out she hooked up with 3 different guys out there. He hired a PI and papers were in her hands two weeks later

Time to step to the plate Chip Today is reckoning day
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post #135 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 08:58 AM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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Originally Posted by wmn1 View Post
all of these questions are irrelevant to OP's problem here.
Plus, Four of those questions were answered in his OP and subsequent posts.
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