Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 12:34 PM Thread Starter
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Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

Hi. So, I need some guidance. I'm trying to understand if I'm overreacting and letting something bother me that I shouldn't.

My wife of six months told me she was going to take a weekend getaway with one of her friends. No biggie as I was going to be in the midwest with my kids for break anyhow (blended marriage).

However, yesterday I found out that she is going to New Orleans with her girlfriend for four days. This came to a rather big surprise to me because we have talked about going to two places since we've been together (3+ years) - Vegas and New Orleans bc she's never been. We ended up getting married in Vegas in the fall so we could cross that off her bucket list. But now it seems like she's going with a friend to New Orleans instead of saving it for us.

We haven't been to New Orleans yet bc she keeps saying that she doesn't have the vacation time. She can't afford to go. And her ex won't take the kids. Yet somehow she was able to overcome all of those obstacles for this trip. She suddenly has money. Was able to take two days off and get her ex to take the kids an extra day or two. In addition, she booked it weeks ago but kept telling me that it was undecided when I asked over the last couple weeks. Then when I found out yesterday she kept saying that she doesn't need my approval or to check with me.

I don't know but I think I'm a good marriage you talk about things at least. Maybe she still ends up going but the way it went down and not telling me when asked bothers me. I turned down one offer from a friend to go to Vegas a year ago bc I wanted to go with her. Am I naive to be the one that cares or talks about things? Or am I just overreacting which I've done before.

It's bothering me. I'm not mad. I'm just really hurt bc I feel like I'm the only one that cares. I couldn't ever imagine talking to her about going somewhere together and then going with someone else. Ever. It basically says I don't want to go with you or be with you. Or no?

Is this the first step to the end? Does this say she doesn't value being around me as much as I do? Am I putting too much or too little into how this all went down and what it means? Do I need to start protecting myself so I don't get hurt shortly down the road? Lots going on in my head.

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post #2 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 12:42 PM
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I think you're right to consider this an issue. Couples should want to spend their vacation time together.

However, blended marriages bring issues to the marriage, which is why second marriages have a higher divorce rate. You were already planning to spend your vacation without your wife, so I think that issue needs to be addressed first.

Why wasn't your wife included in your vacation plans? I think that's your bigger issue than where she chose to go with a girlfriend while you were already planning to be apart.

It's very important in blended marriages to make sure you're putting your wife and time with her first.
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post #3 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 12:46 PM Thread Starter
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Good point that I should've added. I wish she was coming on vacation with me. In fact the original plan was to go to her Dads with all of the kids however she told me she couldn't take the vacation time. That's when I decided to take my kids to see their grandma rather than sit at home. But then to come find out that she took time off to go to New Orleans. Trust me I'd rather go on vacation together. I think that is important for couples. And I enjoy any time we get together.
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post #4 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 12:53 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

I think you were manipulated here by your wife and I think you know that.Now,does she just want a vacation without kids or is it something more.This is what you are really asking.Nobody can tell you this except her or her friend.Time to start investigating.
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post #5 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 12:54 PM Thread Starter
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She had a very controlling ex before so I feel she carries that heavily into our relationship. She keeps saying she doesn't need my approval to go. I'm not asking for approval but it just doesn't feel right that there was no conversation about it. I don't know. And I do feel like couples should do things together like vacations. Maybe I'm old fashioned.
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post #6 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 12:56 PM
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Good point that I should've added. I wish she was coming on vacation with me. In fact the original plan was to go to her Dads with all of the kids however she told me she couldn't take the vacation time. That's when I decided to take my kids to see their grandma rather than sit at home. But then to come find out that she took time off to go to New Orleans. Trust me I'd rather go on vacation together. I think that is important for couples. And I enjoy any time we get together.
That's an issue. I agree with you- this is a sign that you need to address in your marriage. Your wife is behaving independently, making decisions without considering you. Does she have kids too? This could stem from her experience being a single mom if so.

I'd explain to her that in order to have a solid marriage with you, you need her to work towards interdependence- where the two of you make decisions together, not independently.

Independent behavior can destroy love in marriage.
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post #7 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 12:59 PM Thread Starter
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Yeah I can see it now. How she suddenly can take vacation and has money. I'm sure she wants to do it without kids but we have every other weekend to ourselves so we could've gone together at anytime.

She's going with a single girlfriend. So I'm trying to figure out what all that means? How normal is it for women to do vacations like that? She keeps saying she should be able to go on vacation and take trips with her friends. Which ok I can accept. But then you pick the one place we've talked about for a couple years now but don't have any money or vacation time to go with me?
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post #8 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 01:02 PM
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She had a very controlling ex before so I feel she carries that heavily into our relationship. She keeps saying she doesn't need my approval to go. I'm not asking for approval but it just doesn't feel right that there was no conversation about it. I don't know. And I do feel like couples should do things together like vacations. Maybe I'm old fashioned.
She's controlling you by forcing you to accept her decision to vacation without you without discussing it with you first.

You have every right to be upset that your wife is not treating you like a partner in your marriage.
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post #9 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 01:03 PM Thread Starter
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Yes she has kids as well. And as I said her ex was very controlling. So you hit it on the nail with the independence. She's made that comment before. Saying that we should be able to do our own thing. Which yes. To a degree. But like you said we need interdependence where we talk about things. And she doesn't see it that way. She views talking about it as a way of control. Bc of her past.
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post #10 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 01:04 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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Yeah I can see it now. How she suddenly can take vacation and has money. I'm sure she wants to do it without kids but we have every other weekend to ourselves so we could've gone together at anytime.

She's going with a single girlfriend. So I'm trying to figure out what all that means? How normal is it for women to do vacations like that? She keeps saying she should be able to go on vacation and take trips with her friends. Which ok I can accept. But then you pick the one place we've talked about for a couple years now but don't have any money or vacation time to go with me?
It shouldn't take too much thinking for you to figure out what that means.


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post #11 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 01:04 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

You've only been married 6 months, and your wife is keeping things from you, not discussing things with you, and is going to New Orleans without you. I'd suggest having a serious discussion with her about what you both expect now that you're married. That's not being controlling, and when women tell men that they're being controlling (I know this, because I've said it myself) they just want their own way. But, I bet that doesn't go both ways, if the roles were reversed and you called her controlling, she would probably not like it.

I wouldn't rug sweep this, just my opinion.

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post #12 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 01:04 PM
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Yeah I can see it now. How she suddenly can take vacation and has money. I'm sure she wants to do it without kids but we have every other weekend to ourselves so we could've gone together at anytime.

She's going with a single girlfriend. So I'm trying to figure out what all that means? How normal is it for women to do vacations like that? She keeps saying she should be able to go on vacation and take trips with her friends. Which ok I can accept. But then you pick the one place we've talked about for a couple years now but don't have any money or vacation time to go with me?
I see nothing wrong with having a friend who is single and wanting to spend time with her, but not in a situation/on a vacation that bothers your spouse. We shouldn't do anything in marriage that hurts our spouse.

The bigger issue is your wife's view that she can do what she wants without discussing it with you, even if it bothers you.
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post #13 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 01:05 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

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Yes she has kids as well. And as I said her ex was very controlling. So you hit it on the nail with the independence. She's made that comment before. Saying that we should be able to do our own thing. Which yes. To a degree. But like you said we need interdependence where we talk about things. And she doesn't see it that way. She views talking about it as a way of control. Bc of her past.
Then, why did she get married? Yes, it's good to have separate interests, etc. But, if she just wants to live like she's single, and just say she's married, then why did she get married.

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post #14 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 01:06 PM
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Yes she has kids as well. And as I said her ex was very controlling. So you hit it on the nail with the independence. She's made that comment before. Saying that we should be able to do our own thing. Which yes. To a degree. But like you said we need interdependence where we talk about things. And she doesn't see it that way. She views talking about it as a way of control. Bc of her past.
She can do her own thing, as a single woman. As a married woman, she needs to put the relationship first and do things you both agree on.
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post #15 of 258 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 01:08 PM
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Re: Vacation separately - sign we are in trouble?

Tell your wife that this is bull****. Of course she needs permission from you just as you need permission from her for taking holidays and trips with other people. Especially if it is a place you wanted to go to with her. And she knows it. And she needs to check with you just as you need to with her every step of the way in a marriage when it involves quality time together (away from work etc). And the final thing is the manipulation and, lets face it, lying! This is not OK in any relationship leave alone a marriage.


You need to really think (as does she) about whether this marriage is for you or her. She could easily be doing what she is doing without being married to you so why stay married ?

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Last edited by MattMatt; 04-10-2017 at 05:51 PM.
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