Need some objective input

lee72 · 01-03-2012, 12:59 PM

I found this forum the other day when trying to find relationship advice the other day. I have to admit that seeing some of the other posts and advice makes it a little easier to ask for help.

I have been in a relationship with my partner for 14.5 years now, so there's allot more than I can sum up in just a few sentences, but I promise to try and be brief. We were close friends starting in Jr high and thru high school. A few years after HS we met up again and dated briefly, then he moved about 2 hrs away and ended up married and had a child. Fast forward a few years and he got divorced, moved back and we ended up dating and living together ever since.

We've had lots of challenges, have seperated, tried counseling (2 sessions and he was done), and continue to stick it out. Here's the problem: neither of us are happy nor have we been for quite some time now. We're more like room mates. We have completely seperate lives outside our home. I have work, take care of our home and spend time with my mom and sisters. I no longer have friends because he never liked anyone that I befriended (and none of them liked him) and it was easier to give up than constantly fight (i know - my fault there). He has work, his son (a few times a year), his art, hobbies and his friends.

I think we both have years of resentment built up and can't get past it. Neither of us are perfect, but at this stage of the game (I'll be 40 this year, he'll be 41) I don't expect him to change for me, he however does expect me to change for him. He recently lost some weight and has been acting out of character / suspicious. Then on Christmas Eve I caught him standing outside on the cell phone talking to a woman, he tried to tell me it was business and then when I asked to see his phone he said no, laughed at me and then cleared the history and said "here, now you can have it". We had a huge fight and he lied to my face several times and then admitted to lying. I'm still not sure what the real truth is though. There have been times over the years that I suspected cheating, but always talked myself out of it. This time it just feels all wrong. During our fight he said that I needed to lose weight, that he has a hard time being attracted to me, and that if I would just have more confidence and initiate sex it may help as well.

It's hard to feel sexy and confident when your partner has checked out on you and basically just wants you to service them out of obligation though. I'm so lonely that I find myself crying all the time now. We have financial issues, intimacy issues, health issues, soooo much and I feel lost and don't know what to do. Do I just keep chugging along like I have been? I've invested allot of time in this relationship and this man and don't know if that even matters any more. I can't go to IC because I have no health insurance, before I lost my insurance I had a few sessions but it was just a start. Sometimes I daydream about being single and free, but then the thought of starting over at my age scares the crap out of me.

I love him, and care about him deeply...we've been a part of each others lives in one way or another for over 25 years. I just haven't been in love for quite awhile, and according to him, neither has he. When do you call it quits? When do you give it more time?

CandieGirl · 01-03-2012, 01:33 PM

I'd say 25 years is more than enough time...don't you want to enjoy the 2nd half of your life? I'm not seeing anything here worth sticking it out for...so you've invested time. You're miserable, and you don't have to be, and don't invest more.

Plus, if there is suspected cheating or other bad behavior, that should draw a line under it for you.

Good luck!

pssa · 01-03-2012, 06:43 PM

I can't find one reason in your post why you should stay with him and I looked really hard. What's worse, being unhappy for 14.5 years and admitting to yourself that this relationship will never make you happy, or spending the rest of your 40+ years with him and feeling just as unhappy on your deathbed?

If you can time-travel, you call it quits many years ago. If not, you call it quits now.

chapparal · 01-03-2012, 06:48 PM

Move on. Can you get his phone records?

accept · 01-03-2012, 11:38 PM

You are not married to him and from the sound of it never will be. I suppose you dont have kids either. From your post it sounds like you are just as much to blame as he is.
During our fight he said that I needed to lose weight, that he has a hard time being attracted to me, and that if I would just have more confidence and initiate sex it may help as well.
It may be hard for you as your next sentence says but its also hard for him. Since you are the one hear seeking advice you have to break the 'spiral' first.
Since not being married whatever you do I dont think will last long anyway.

lee72 · 01-04-2012, 08:54 AM

Thanks for taking time to give me input, it's what I'm here for.

*Chapparal: I can intercept his phone bill if I needed to, but he is self employed in construction and talks with his customers (rich housewives) and interior designers daily, so I wouldn't know if something was strange. Besides, I think it's a either a designer he's having the affair with or his newly single best friend is setting him up with another woman. But, I have no proof.

*Accept: I agree that we both have blame in this and was open about that in the post. The problem is that I keep trying and get nothing but the bare minimum back. If I knew how to "break the spiral" I would, that's also part of the problem. Two days ago, I was waiting at home for him and when he got home from work was in lingerie and ready to initiate sex, (even as hurt as I am) I decided I should try. He walked in, said, "you look nice, but I'm tired" and walked away. Am I supposed to keep trying like that even though I'm hurt more? or am I being too sensitive? I don't know. But as far as your post "Since not being married whatever you do I dont think will last long anyway." I don't think that has anything to do with our issues. A piece of paper saying we're married wouldn't change our situation in one way or another. Actually, our 14.5 years together has lasted longer than any of our friends "marriages" have so far. I think after that long, it's all the same challenges that any committed relationships have, at least for me that is.

The thing is, in all other areas of my life, I'm decisive and have no problem taking charge and being the leader. In this relationship I am constantly second guessing myself on my decisions though and as a result can't decisively say if staying or going is the best thing to do.

accept · 01-04-2012, 11:45 AM

Two days ago, I was waiting at home for him and when he got home from work was in lingerie and ready to initiate sex, (even as hurt as I am) I decided I should try. He walked in, said, "you look nice, but I'm tired" and walked away.
With all due respect to you I dont think thats the way to confront a man where problems are. You are trying to force him into it, that wont work.
You really have to talk to him. I know you will say you cant.
Then at least tell him at the beginning of the day that when he comes home you will be ready and waiting for him.
Dont be surprised if it doesnt work the first day. Give him a whole day to think about it. Do it again the second day in time as long as you dont get angry daily you will succeed.