Originally Posted by Ex Abusive husband View Post
I have been with my wife for 16 years and it has been hell from the beginning. I grew up with both my parents in a secure home whilst she was first left to wonder the streets while her mother got drunk and slept with as many men as possible and later her mother went on to dump her at her mothers brothers house while she went to another country...
First let me start by telling you I am far from perfect and I know I probably deserve what she has done...
When I first met my wife to be aged 17 then, she already was known to be anybody's but I don't like to judge people over the opinions of others.. Anyhow when I met her I saw her and fell straight in love with her. She Was and still is beautiful to me I was attracted by the innocent look that she had she seemed like she had a good caring heart and for me that's key in any relationship.... We started dating and it wasn't long before I realised how unstable she was and why.. In the beginning I was so loyal to her that people began to laugh at me and think I was stupid for even entertaining her.. (I didn't care I loved her) and still do... Anytime we went out I'd notice that she NEEDED to have the attention of all the guys for all the wrong reasons and as time went by I started hearing stories about her been with Tom, ****, Harry, and his uncle... I confronted her and she would always deny it and even watch me fight and hurt others that had informed me of her wrong doings. I mean I really loved this girl and would believe anything she would because she would proper start crying and saying why don't you trust me... But no matter how much I believed her my soul was never at ease... Later down the line we split up because I just couldn't trust her anymore after reading a letter she wrote about having sex with another guy... This absolutely kicked my teeth in but I did not harm her in anyway I just walked away... A few months later after splitting up she started tracking me down and going everywhere I went just to get my attention and I only went and fell for it and took her back because deep down inside I still lived her... Not long after getting back together the make up sex was still pounding, so pounding that she told told me she was pregnant... This where things got serious for me. I explained to her that I dont take single parenthood lightly and have no intention of starting a family with her unless she could be honest and faithful... She agreed and told me she loved me and wanted to be with me forever... I was blown away, I had started that dream of having a stable family built on honest and love.. Things were fine for a short while after my first child was born. We were both happy until I started noticing those old traits starting to appear again sneaking around lying and so on... but because I didn't want to take the risk of pushing her away by me acting insecure I didn't say anything as I wanted to show her that I have forgiven her from the first time... we went on to get married and have 3 more kids that I love with all my heart... I will be honest that throughout the years of having the kids I did get wound u a few times and push her about totally wrong I know, it just used to get to me so bad because I knew she was lying and taking me for a mug but she would always heavily deny it.. After these years it wasn't until halfway through 2015 that she finally admitted sleeping with a multitude of men, from blow jobs in cars to getting bent over in toilets, you name... I kid you not, it was by the grace of god that I managed to hold my temper in.... GOD knows a peace of me was ruined in that one sentence it shattered me mentally and physically I stopped believing and doing all the things I loved gave up on friends, family and work... But I did not lay a finger on her instead I embraced her and told her I loved her even more for her honesty but i am badly scarred from this revelation... We carried on for the sake of the children and in 2016 she started playing about again... When I found this one out I went absolutely hulk mad I just snapped I didn't punch kick or bruise her I just through her out my way HARD!!! Then smashed things in the house until police were called I was arrested and she told the police I was abusing her physically this was the beginning of the end... I was released from the police station and she begged e to stay with her and said she was sorry... Again for the sake of the kids I stayed now in 2017 I have caught on the phone to 3 different men telling them she loves them and needs to be loved because her husband is a bastard and a bully... The only difference is this time my daughter who is now 16 found her phone and come crying to me because her mum punched her in the face when she asked how could you do this to dad... I calmed the situation down as I just couldn't take no more explosive behaviour around the kids so I let it go.. But now because I've been so calm and understanding she is starting to get physical and has stabbed me with a chisel once, and tried to stab me with a kitchen knife last week simply because she was drunk. Again the police were called by the neighbours but this time she was arrest outside in the street in front of the neighbours whilst swearing at me and the kids... She'd finally done it and showed her true wicked ways to everyone... So I'm sitting here waiting for her to come out of the station all apologetic but instead was met by the police telling me that I'm not allowed near her because of domestic violence I was again confused and upset but it gets worst, she sent a message to say she is not returning to me or the kids and we can all go to hell... Now I'm sitting here with 4 truly beautiful kids that are crying daily for this ***** of a woman that I still love for some reason and I still want to work things out... Just to prove to my kids that you don't just give up on relationships...
The pain and the emptiness in this house is overwhelming I look at my kids and cry when I'm alone because I feel have failed them and should have done something as the man of the house to hold things together...
Shall I give up or continue my quest of love and belief in her ??
She's a diamond girl until she drinks and abuses cannabis. I never used to smoke or drink but now she's got me into drink and smoking cannabis.. When parting with friends I then bumped into cocaine because I just can not handle cannabis and drink at all so friends at a party said the coke would stop the spinning...
I've managed to no touch a thing since she has been gone but I want her back so bad that it's making life seem impossible...
SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP
Is this situation my fault ?? And how do I get her back and help her to change ???
Hi @Ex Abusive husband
Firstly, I'm truly sorry for what you're having to go through. This is absolutely tragic and I know how much you must be hurting right now.
I want to be crystal clear about one thing here - it's natural to sometimes look inside and blame yourself for what you're going through and what's happened but let me tell you - this is not your fault.
It's without any shadow of a doubt that your wife has got some deep rooted fears and beliefs that have probably been formed through some challenging childhood experiences (possibly trauma) and this has led her to seek constant attention, alcohol and excessive cheating. It really wouldn't have mattered who she was with, this sort of behaviour would have been expressed.
I have no doubt in my mind that she was called to you all those years ago because she felt on some level that you could be the source of her healing but if she wasn't willing to deal and confront her demons head on, she was just a ticking time bomb unfortunately. I've seen it time and time again and in the end, unless you can face the demons head on, then healing never occurs.
You seem like a lovely guy and I can totally understand how your emotions can boil up to the point where the feelings are expressed physically. I'm not saying it's right, i'm just saying that I understand how it gets to that point. However, your focus must now be on (a) your children and ensuring that they have a safe and loving environment and (b) ensuring that you do the right thing for you as well. I know you love your wife but it really sounds like she needs to do some serious work on herself ie explore therapy/coaching etc so that she can heal those wounds. If they aren't healed, then she will continue to express this negative behaviour and your family will be the recipients of the pain.
There is clearly a bit of codependency going on here as well and I know there is a part of you that, as a man, wants to serve, protect and heal her. This is admirable but you need to decide at what cost? If you are wanting to be by her side every step of the way, then that's great but she needs to make a commitment to healing. That means cutting the alcohol, going to therapy and truly re-discovering herself. I honour you for your capacity to love but it needs to be done in a way that doesn't end up stripping you of your self worth as well.
What do you believe your next steps are?