Husband May Never Move Out of His Mother's House. Did I make a huge mistake? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 54 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 04:57 PM
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Re: Husband May Never Move Out of His Mother's House. Did I make a huge mistake?

Why will it cause hostility from you side of the family?

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post #17 of 54 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 06:38 PM
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Re: Husband May Never Move Out of His Mother's House. Did I make a huge mistake?

Is your husband's name on the title and the mortgage? If so, he can force a sale, split the equity with mommy and everyone go their own way. If only mommy's name, he is probably screwed out of the equity. I strongly suggest your husband consult with a real estate attorney in the area where the house is located to find out his rights.

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post #18 of 54 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 11:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband May Never Move Out of His Mother's House. Did I make a huge mistake?

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Why will it cause hostility from you side of the family?
My family is very attached to my children. My father is like his mother to an extent. He believes that he is within his rights as a father to try and dictate the lives of his adult children. Usually, he'll be angry with me or my siblings for a time when we don't agree with him, but he always gets over it. My parents both believe that my kids and I are better off near them. Mostly, I think they say that simply because they are so attached and not being near us will be very difficult for them. On my end, there will be a period of time where they'll be upset, but they'll realize and accept that this is for the best. On his end, I don't know how his family will respond because he's never moved out of his mother's home, much less moved several states away.
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post #19 of 54 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 11:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband May Never Move Out of His Mother's House. Did I make a huge mistake?

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Is your husband's name on the title and the mortgage? If so, he can force a sale, split the equity with mommy and everyone go their own way. If only mommy's name, he is probably screwed out of the equity. I strongly suggest your husband consult with a real estate attorney in the area where the house is located to find out his rights.

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Actually, we just found out a couple days ago that his mother refinanced and cashed in the equity on the home 5 years ago. He's been paying half the mortgage as part of an agreement that he would end up wth the home after his mother was gone. I think this was the final straw in him deciding to put in the transfer at last.
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post #20 of 54 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 04:53 AM
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Re: Husband May Never Move Out of His Mother's House. Did I make a huge mistake?

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Actually, we just found out a couple days ago that his mother refinanced and cashed in the equity on the home 5 years ago. He's been paying half the mortgage as part of an agreement that he would end up wth the home after his mother was gone. I think this was the final straw in him deciding to put in the transfer at last.
Besides that she isnt very old and could easily live for another 30 years! If she cashed this in its hard to see why she can't afford this on her own. She can always downsize as well. If he leaves she will only need one bedroom.
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post #21 of 54 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 04:55 AM
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Re: Husband May Never Move Out of His Mother's House. Did I make a huge mistake?

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My family is very attached to my children. My father is like his mother to an extent. He believes that he is within his rights as a father to try and dictate the lives of his adult children. Usually, he'll be angry with me or my siblings for a time when we don't agree with him, but he always gets over it. My parents both believe that my kids and I are better off near them. Mostly, I think they say that simply because they are so attached and not being near us will be very difficult for them. On my end, there will be a period of time where they'll be upset, but they'll realize and accept that this is for the best. On his end, I don't know how his family will respond because he's never moved out of his mother's home, much less moved several states away.
Its understandable that they will miss the children of course, but with your dad the way he is, it maybe advisable for you to move away anyway.
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post #22 of 54 (permalink) Old 04-27-2017, 07:19 PM Thread Starter
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So I'm not sure if I should continue this thread or start a new one. As I posted before, my husband submitted his transfer to a new city. He must be at his new job in the new city by May 30th. Last week, he came here for a visit.

The first day he got here, he and I were going to the kids' school to have lunch with them. I was running late and he was fusing at me. As we got in the car, I told him jokingly to hurry. I noticed that he looked upset and I immediately told him I was just joking. As we got to the intersection to turn onto the main street in town, he hit the gas, ran through a stop sign, almost got hit by a car and proceeded to slam his foot down on the gas pedal. He got up to almost 65 in a 30 mph zone before I yelled at him to slow down. After we left the school, he apologized and just said that he was mad at me for yelling at him. That was the first incident.

I don't know if I mentioned it before, but I had a shoulder injury last year that still causes a lot of pain. I was lying in bed with him and I asked him to massage my shoulder and upper back. I was trying to explain where it hurt, and all of a sudden, I felt him push down on my shoulder with all of his weight not once, but twice. Pain immediately shot through my shoulder. I started crying. The pain was so bad I stayed in bed all night. Eventually, it got so bad I ended up in the emergency room later that night. After we left the hospital, I asked him why he had done that. He said that he wasn't trying to hurt me and he thought I wanted more pressure. My husband is not stupid and he has medical training. When I pointed this out he started crying and said he didn't know why he did it. Maybe he's angry at his mother. Maybe he's angry at me.

Prior to this episode, I'd been doing some research on mother-son enmeshment. I feel like he has a lot of the symptoms of this. I shared some of what I found with him before this happened in an effort to convince him to consider therapy. Was I wrong to bring it up with him? Before this happened, I never, in a million years would've thought that he would ever hurt me in any way. I've been with this man for almost 5 years. We've had many heated arguments and he never laid a hand on me. I'd never really seen him angry. We've talked at lengths about these two episodes, and he's assured me it'll never happen again, but I'm kind of scared. I told him that I can't join him in the new city until he gets some counseling. He told me that I'm being unreasonable. He's upset that I've pressed so hard on him to move out, and that it's not fair to back out now that he has no choice but to move. Am I overreacting?
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post #23 of 54 (permalink) Old 04-27-2017, 08:34 PM
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Re: Husband May Never Move Out of His Mother's House. Did I make a huge mistake?

Red flags for sure. He sounds very immature, as if he has never grown up.
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post #24 of 54 (permalink) Old 04-27-2017, 08:42 PM
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Re: Husband May Never Move Out of His Mother's House. Did I make a huge mistake?

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Originally Posted by ladyskraps View Post
So I'm not sure if I should continue this thread or start a new one. As I posted before, my husband submitted his transfer to a new city. He must be at his new job in the new city by May 30th. Last week, he came here for a visit.

The first day he got here, he and I were going to the kids' school to have lunch with them. I was running late and he was fusing at me. As we got in the car, I told him jokingly to hurry. I noticed that he looked upset and I immediately told him I was just joking. As we got to the intersection to turn onto the main street in town, he hit the gas, ran through a stop sign, almost got hit by a car and proceeded to slam his foot down on the gas pedal. He got up to almost 65 in a 30 mph zone before I yelled at him to slow down. After we left the school, he apologized and just said that he was mad at me for yelling at him. That was the first incident.

I don't know if I mentioned it before, but I had a shoulder injury last year that still causes a lot of pain. I was lying in bed with him and I asked him to massage my shoulder and upper back. I was trying to explain where it hurt, and all of a sudden, I felt him push down on my shoulder with all of his weight not once, but twice. Pain immediately shot through my shoulder. I started crying. The pain was so bad I stayed in bed all night. Eventually, it got so bad I ended up in the emergency room later that night. After we left the hospital, I asked him why he had done that. He said that he wasn't trying to hurt me and he thought I wanted more pressure. My husband is not stupid and he has medical training. When I pointed this out he started crying and said he didn't know why he did it. Maybe he's angry at his mother. Maybe he's angry at me.

Prior to this episode, I'd been doing some research on mother-son enmeshment. I feel like he has a lot of the symptoms of this. I shared some of what I found with him before this happened in an effort to convince him to consider therapy. Was I wrong to bring it up with him? Before this happened, I never, in a million years would've thought that he would ever hurt me in any way. I've been with this man for almost 5 years. We've had many heated arguments and he never laid a hand on me. I'd never really seen him angry. We've talked at lengths about these two episodes, and he's assured me it'll never happen again, but I'm kind of scared. I told him that I can't join him in the new city until he gets some counseling. He told me that I'm being unreasonable. He's upset that I've pressed so hard on him to move out, and that it's not fair to back out now that he has no choice but to move. Am I overreacting?
Maybe mummy used to ask him to massage her, trigger point? He needs counselling but do not act like a second mother.
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post #25 of 54 (permalink) Old 04-27-2017, 08:58 PM
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Re: Husband May Never Move Out of His Mother's House. Did I make a huge mistake?

Um no, that would creep me out too! I say trust your gut. Better to feel silly than to live the rest of your life regretting you didn't trust your gut.

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post #26 of 54 (permalink) Old 04-27-2017, 09:18 PM
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Re: Husband May Never Move Out of His Mother's House. Did I make a huge mistake?

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Originally Posted by ladyskraps View Post
As we got in the car, I told him jokingly to hurry. I noticed that he looked upset and I immediately told him I was just joking. As we got to the intersection to turn onto the main street in town, he hit the gas, ran through a stop sign, almost got hit by a car and proceeded to slam his foot down on the gas pedal. He got up to almost 65 in a 30 mph zone before I yelled at him to slow down. After we left the school, he apologized and just said that he was mad at me for yelling at him.
Please do not minimize this or make excuses for him. He was "mad"???? He could have killed innocent people and injured you with his out-of-control driving. That in itself would have been enough to freak me out and make me rethink the relationship.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ladyskraps View Post
I was lying in bed with him and I asked him to massage my shoulder and upper back. I was trying to explain where it hurt, and all of a sudden, I felt him push down on my shoulder with all of his weight not once, but twice. Pain immediately shot through my shoulder. I started crying. The pain was so bad I stayed in bed all night. Eventually, it got so bad I ended up in the emergency room later that night. After we left the hospital, I asked him why he had done that. He said that he wasn't trying to hurt me and he thought I wanted more pressure.
Yeah, right. He puts his entire weight on your shoulder and dismisses what he did because the "thought" you wanted more pressure. I call total b.s. on that pathetic excuse.

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Prior to this episode, I'd been doing some research on mother-son enmeshment. I feel like he has a lot of the symptoms of this.
Why are you trying to figure out HIS problems/issues? They are his, not yours. Your issue is your are married to a MASSIVE passive-aggressive mommy's boy who is abusing you. I think you need to look at yourself and ask why you are putting up with this nonsense. YOU, not him.

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I told him that I can't join him in the new city until he gets some counseling. He told me that I'm being unreasonable. He's upset that I've pressed so hard on him to move out, and that it's not fair to back out now that he has no choice but to move.
No, you are not being one bit unreasonable. You are married to a man-child. So he had to move out of mommy's home, now he starts treating you like garbage, and he thinks counseling is "unreasonable." To hell with him. You have every right to be scared. I certainly would be if I was in your shoes.

I applaud you for setting a boundary. Now you have to decide if you will/can stick to that boundary. If not, he'll realize what you say has no consequences and go right on behaving this way. As it is, I'd be done with someone like this in a New York minute. Your life. Your choice. Seriously.

I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
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post #27 of 54 (permalink) Old 04-27-2017, 09:38 PM
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Re: Husband May Never Move Out of His Mother's House. Did I make a huge mistake?

I agree with what the others have said.

He has a problem with anger. You are the target now. I wonder how much of this his mother dealt with.

He's moving because you insisted on it and now he's taking that out on you.

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post #28 of 54 (permalink) Old 04-27-2017, 10:07 PM
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Re: Husband May Never Move Out of His Mother's House. Did I make a huge mistake?

Until the high speed driving and causing your injury to your shoulder. You should have discussed moving to the new city when he had started some therapy and self improvement.

Have you or him discussed going to a CODA meeting, if available? They are hard to come by... there are about 10,000x more people in AA meetings. So look at buying some CODA books (blue one) and a few pamphlets. Start with pamphlets - because they can be read in 20 minutes or so, good for reference and have bullet point reminders.

Yes, he's taking his anger out on you. It's not too ABNORMAL - other than his particular actions are deadly and hurtful. So the thing to find out is... will he be willing to IMPROVE himself?

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #29 of 54 (permalink) Old 04-28-2017, 07:06 AM Thread Starter
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Prior to this episode, I'd been doing some research on mother-son enmeshment. I feel like he has a lot of the symptoms of this.
Why are you trying to figure out HIS problems/issues? They are his, not yours. Your issue is your are married to a MASSIVE passive-aggressive mommy's boy who is abusing you. I think you need to look at yourself and ask why you are putting up with this nonsense. YOU, not him.

I was actually looking for help for myself online. It looks like we both may have been victims of emotional incest. I've scheduled counseling for myself. I'm just really frustrated with myself. I know that, logically, I should probably have ended my relationship with him long ago when I first caught him cheating. But you're right, I do make excuses for him.
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post #30 of 54 (permalink) Old 04-28-2017, 11:16 AM
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Re: Husband May Never Move Out of His Mother's House. Did I make a huge mistake?

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Originally Posted by ladyskraps View Post
Why are you trying to figure out HIS problems/issues? They are his, not yours. Your issue is your are married to a MASSIVE passive-aggressive mommy's boy who is abusing you. I think you need to look at yourself and ask why you are putting up with this nonsense. YOU, not him.

I was actually looking for help for myself online. It looks like we both may have been victims of emotional incest. I've scheduled counseling for myself. I'm just really frustrated with myself. I know that, logically, I should probably have ended my relationship with him long ago when I first caught him cheating. But you're right, I do make excuses for him.
I missed this thread, so sorry for what you've been going through OP.

Emotional incest is a huge problem, and it's not really looked at much. If you've been through it, I suggest finding a counselor who can help you through it, who believes in parentification / emotional incest being a problem. Not all therapists do, so you may have to look around.

I don't know what you've been through, but it is obvious that your H was a victim of parentification and emotional incest. He needs therapy, whether or not you two stay together. You might pass some resources on to him.
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