Husband May Never Move Out of His Mother's House. Did I make a huge mistake? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 54 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 10:15 PM Thread Starter
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Husband May Never Move Out of His Mother's House. Did I make a huge mistake?

Hello all. I'm new here. I'll try to post as much info as needed without making this into a story that never ends.

I met my husband 4.5 years ago, playing an online videogame. We connected instantly and spent hours upon hours talking and playing. We met in person 6 months later. He has always lived with his mother. He pays half the mortgage, and says he just never moved out because he and his mother saved money by splitting bills. We discussed him transferring close to where I live or if that was not possible, that we would both move to another agreed-upon location. The plan was that when he was ready to move, his sister would be taking over his portion of the bills.

He works for an airline, luckily, so travel is not a problem. We see each other very often and have been able to spend months at a time together. 2 years ago, he found out that a transfer near me wasn't possible. His mother told us that my children and I could move in and live there so that we could save money to buy a house. At the time, it seemed like a great idea. A year ago, we decided to get married, and I was supposed to move there by the end of the summer. I had some emergencies that stalled moving, but nonetheless, my kids and I travelled there and spent time in the house with my husband and MIL.

That's when I realized that their relationship was, well, different. My MIL seemed very needy all of a sudden. Anytime I would ask my husband for assistance with something, my MIL would come out of nowhere insisting that he help her with something at once. It was as if she couldn't bear to see him help another woman with anything. In our time there, I realized she is totally dependent upon my husband. He often cooks or orders food for the two of them. He washes the dishes and cleans the house most of the time. He also does all the "manly duties" like yardwork and shoveling snow. Pretty much any chore that needs done, he does it.

On top of that, I've noticed that their relationship creeps me out a bit. Once, while out to lunch, my husband sat across from her, I sat next to my MIL. She exclaimed suddenly that her hands were freezing and reached out and grabbed my husbands hands, insisting that he warm hers up. It was like 85 degrees outside. I felt like she was doing this out of jealousy. Also, when we ride somewhere together, she insists on sitting in the front seat. She walks around in her bra, in my husband's presence. Another time, when my husband had just gotten out of the shower, she yelled for him to help her with the remote. My husband went in to her room in a towel, trying to hold it up with one hand and program the remote with his other hand. His genitals revealed themselves more than once and neither said anything. In fact, they didn't seem like it was any big deal.

I have since decided that I will not be moving in with them EVER. My MIL sends my husband crazy text messages if he doesn't do what she asked him to do. She even threatens him with telling me about the chores that he hasn't done. She constantly pulls passive-aggressive behavior and piles on the guilt so that my husband feels guilty for planning to leave. I feel kind of like I'm in the twilight zone and I have no idea how to approach my husband about these things because I don't think he even realizes anything is wrong. How do I talk to him about things without him getting hurt or offended? And better yet, how can I get him away from his mother?

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post #2 of 54 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 10:31 PM
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Re: Husband May Never Move Out of His Mother's House. Did I make a huge mistake?

Send him a copy of the movie "Goodbye Lenin"... He may get the clue.
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post #3 of 54 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 10:56 PM
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Re: Husband May Never Move Out of His Mother's House. Did I make a huge mistake?

Momma's infant.
became
Momma's toddler.
became
Momma's boy.
became
Momma's teen.
became
Momma's Man
became
Your husband.

Put your foot down on Dear Husband's neck.

Tell him:

Your Mother is not my Mother.

Your Mother is not your Wife.

Your Wife is your only responsibility.

Your Mother or your Wife.

Choose now......or I will choose for you.

If he stumbles, hems or haws, gather your children.

To a new man, you shall go.

To a new man....nary a Mommy's boy be considered, yet again.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #4 of 54 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 01:00 AM
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Re: Husband May Never Move Out of His Mother's House. Did I make a huge mistake?

How old are you, your husband and his mother?

I doubt that your husband will ever leave his mother. The grooming of turning him into her surrogate husband started a long time ago. He's a true mommy's boy.

His relationship with has been him living out his dream to be a man with a normal life. But it sounds like he is not emotionally strong enough to leave his mother. And Lord knows, it sounds like she cannot survive an hour without him.

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post #5 of 54 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 01:33 AM
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Re: Husband May Never Move Out of His Mother's House. Did I make a huge mistake?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ladyskraps View Post
She walks around in her bra, in my husband's presence. Another time, when my husband had just gotten out of the shower, she yelled for him to help her with the remote. My husband went in to her room in a towel, trying to hold it up with one hand and program the remote with his other hand. His genitals revealed themselves more than once and neither said anything. In fact, they didn't seem like it was any big deal.
I am sorry for Not CAN I re-lent, though it really be Lent.
.................................................. ..............................................
His genitals are hers to bathe.

Her back and her breasts are his to scrub.

Now that Momma has aged, he realizes he will soon, a younger hand-maiden, need possess. That be you.

He has been self-weaning himself from Momma's tit. And with that, Momma's now ache, from lack of validation.

I need to go spit.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #6 of 54 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 01:48 AM
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Re: Husband May Never Move Out of His Mother's House. Did I make a huge mistake?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ladyskraps View Post
Hello all. I'm new here. I'll try to post as much info as needed without making this into a story that never ends.

I met my husband 4.5 years ago, playing an online videogame. We connected instantly and spent hours upon hours talking and playing. We met in person 6 months later. He has always lived with his mother. He pays half the mortgage, and says he just never moved out because he and his mother saved money by splitting bills. We discussed him transferring close to where I live or if that was not possible, that we would both move to another agreed-upon location. The plan was that when he was ready to move, his sister would be taking over his portion of the bills.

He works for an airline, luckily, so travel is not a problem. We see each other very often and have been able to spend months at a time together. 2 years ago, he found out that a transfer near me wasn't possible. His mother told us that my children and I could move in and live there so that we could save money to buy a house. At the time, it seemed like a great idea. A year ago, we decided to get married, and I was supposed to move there by the end of the summer. I had some emergencies that stalled moving, but nonetheless, my kids and I travelled there and spent time in the house with my husband and MIL.

That's when I realized that their relationship was, well, different. My MIL seemed very needy all of a sudden. Anytime I would ask my husband for assistance with something, my MIL would come out of nowhere insisting that he help her with something at once. It was as if she couldn't bear to see him help another woman with anything. In our time there, I realized she is totally dependent upon my husband. He often cooks or orders food for the two of them. He washes the dishes and cleans the house most of the time. He also does all the "manly duties" like yardwork and shoveling snow. Pretty much any chore that needs done, he does it.

On top of that, I've noticed that their relationship creeps me out a bit. Once, while out to lunch, my husband sat across from her, I sat next to my MIL. She exclaimed suddenly that her hands were freezing and reached out and grabbed my husbands hands, insisting that he warm hers up. It was like 85 degrees outside. I felt like she was doing this out of jealousy. Also, when we ride somewhere together, she insists on sitting in the front seat. She walks around in her bra, in my husband's presence. Another time, when my husband had just gotten out of the shower, she yelled for him to help her with the remote. My husband went in to her room in a towel, trying to hold it up with one hand and program the remote with his other hand. His genitals revealed themselves more than once and neither said anything. In fact, they didn't seem like it was any big deal.

I have since decided that I will not be moving in with them EVER. My MIL sends my husband crazy text messages if he doesn't do what she asked him to do. She even threatens him with telling me about the chores that he hasn't done. She constantly pulls passive-aggressive behavior and piles on the guilt so that my husband feels guilty for planning to leave. I feel kind of like I'm in the twilight zone and I have no idea how to approach my husband about these things because I don't think he even realizes anything is wrong. How do I talk to him about things without him getting hurt or offended? And better yet, how can I get him away from his mother?

Hi @ladyskraps

Thanks for your message.

You've got a really interesting situation here but one that needs to be addressed quickly before it brings about more issues down the line.

Your MIL is simply using her son as her primary source of love and your husband is completely afraid to let go of that love as well. Hence they have a dependency on each other. Sadly, as long as they have this 'arrangement', he will never be able to be the husband that you need him to be for you. In short - he's still a boy and until he free's himself from that relationship, he won't become a man.

He needs to truly begin to feel the consequences of carrying on this sort of 'relationship' and how much of an impact that it will have on his life if he continues to be tied to her. I'm not suggesting giving him an ultimatum, but at least speaking to him in such a way that he knows, in no uncertain terms, that you aren't going to tolerate being 'the third wheel'.

A question I have is - where is his father? I presume he has either left or has passed away?

Thanks
Sri
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post #7 of 54 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 02:12 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband May Never Move Out of His Mother's House. Did I make a huge mistake?

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How old are you, your husband and his mother?

I doubt that your husband will ever leave his mother. The grooming of turning him into her surrogate husband started a long time ago. He's a true mommy's boy.

His relationship with has been him living out his dream to be a man with a normal life. But it sounds like he is not emotionally strong enough to leave his mother. And Lord knows, it sounds like she cannot survive an hour without him.
I'm 31, he's 35 and his mother is in her mid 60s. She's not in great health, but he's stayed with me for a full month at a time and she gets along fine while he's gone. When he returns, however, she's got her giant lists of honey-dos.

After days of fighting and long conversations, he's agreed to move to a different state with me. I don't trust, yet, that he will. But I think he's growing tired of her taking advantage of him.
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post #8 of 54 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 02:16 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband May Never Move Out of His Mother's House. Did I make a huge mistake?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
I am sorry for Not CAN I re-lent, though it really be Lent.
.................................................. ..............................................
His genitals are hers to bathe.

Her back and her breasts are his to scrub.

Now that Momma has aged, he realizes he will soon, a younger hand-maiden, need possess. That be you.

He has been self-weaning himself from Momma's tit. And with that, Momma's now ache, from lack of validation.

I need to go spit.
I agree. My biggest concern was that his intention was for me to move in and bear (or at least share) the burden of taking care of her. I think I surprised him by refusing.
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post #9 of 54 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 02:23 AM
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Re: Husband May Never Move Out of His Mother's House. Did I make a huge mistake?

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Originally Posted by ladyskraps View Post
I agree. My biggest concern was that his intention was for me to move in and bear (or at least share) the burden of taking care of her. I think I surprised him by refusing.
I'm glad that you are smart enough to not move into her home. What a disaster that would be!

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post #10 of 54 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 02:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband May Never Move Out of His Mother's House. Did I make a huge mistake?

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Hi @ladyskraps

He needs to truly begin to feel the consequences of carrying on this sort of 'relationship' and how much of an impact that it will have on his life if he continues to be tied to her. I'm not suggesting giving him an ultimatum, but at least speaking to him in such a way that he knows, in no uncertain terms, that you aren't going to tolerate being 'the third wheel'.

A question I have is - where is his father? I presume he has either left or has passed away?

Thanks
Sri
His father left his mother when he was 5. She remarried shortly after and divorced his stepfather when he was 18. His biological father wasn't very involved with him when he was a child. He tried to come back into hubby's life after he'd reached adulthood. They've only recently begun to have an actual relationship.

I have been speaking to him constantly about what our plans will be, since I've refused to move in with them. Just tonight he agreed to make plans to transfer to another location, several states away from his mother. I believe that he's starting to realize that things aren't normal in his relationship with her. I can only hope that he will follow through with his promise. Then of course, there will be the aftermath of the guilt trips she will inevitably lay on him.

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post #11 of 54 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 02:36 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband May Never Move Out of His Mother's House. Did I make a huge mistake?

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I'm glad that you are smart enough to not move into her home. What a disaster that would be!
A few days spent there was enough to let me know it was a really bad idea. The thing about narcissists is that they can only hide it for so long.
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post #12 of 54 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 05:45 AM
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You're doing the right thing. There are books on toxic parents. I have a similar situation with my own mother. And it's actually a typical problem with a lot of mothers... Even my dad's mom! (Both dead - old age). It was something I was concerned with a bit many years ago.

So.... Does your husband want to be married to you or his mom?

My GF loved my mom and Mom liked my girlfriend. Then when we became engaged - my mom went stupid on me. Even screaming " she's taking you away!" Which she doesn't remember... She should have thought she was gaining a daughter and eventually a grandson. Sucked when she moved in with us. What was supposed to be 2 months turned into almost 2 years. She made everyone miserable... And was very damaging to my marriage. She is not allowed to live with us again... No way.

She lives 12 miles away. Hell, my dad moved 3 states away from his mom on purpose. Oddly my mom and his mom got along very well.

The arrangement is typical of many people in the USA. It sucks... Even with good relationships.

He can't be married to both of you.

The nudity is a bit odd. My mom hasn't seen my junk since my age hit double digits. But some house holds are a bit more lacks than others. The running out of the bath to do his mom's bidding is what's disturbing. He can grow out of that. Moving to another state would do wonders. But he should get some help with books and maybe some therapy.

He's way too much a Mama's boy.
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post #13 of 54 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 02:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband May Never Move Out of His Mother's House. Did I make a huge mistake?

Thanks everyone, for all the advice. I was feeling a bit guilty and selfish because my MIL can't afford the house on her own, but she has other options and children that can help. After reading some of your advice, I pressed him pretty hard last night to make a decision. He just sent me a screenshot of his transfer request to another city, so he finally took some action, which is what I needed. I know that this move will create hostility from both my side of the family and his, but it's really the only way for us to close the gap and live together affordably.
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post #14 of 54 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 02:31 PM
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Re: Husband May Never Move Out of His Mother's House. Did I make a huge mistake?

One of the things I learned from others over the last 66 years is to never marry a momma's boy. His mother will always come before you. My cousin married one and two years later she divorce him. Same thing like you said. He wanted to keep living with his mother, would massage her feet and his mother acted like she was fighting for his attention. Good luck.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #15 of 54 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 04:55 PM
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Re: Husband May Never Move Out of His Mother's House. Did I make a huge mistake?

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Originally Posted by ladyskraps View Post
Thanks everyone, for all the advice. I was feeling a bit guilty and selfish because my MIL can't afford the house on her own, but she has other options and children that can help. After reading some of your advice, I pressed him pretty hard last night to make a decision. He just sent me a screenshot of his transfer request to another city, so he finally took some action, which is what I needed. I know that this move will create hostility from both my side of the family and his, but it's really the only way for us to close the gap and live together affordably.
This is a massive issue now, especially with so many single mums and their sons. They do become surrogate husbands. This happened to a certain extent with my husband and his mum, she looked to him to met her emotional needs, but in his case he didn't need her in the same way. Fortunately he did leave home when he married his first wife at age 25, and then even more fortunately they both moved back to the wife's home here in the UK 5 years later. His mother tried to end all of her sons marriages, and basically wanted them for herself.

I will never understand this. I have a son who left home at age 24, and now has a lovely wife, I couldn't be happier for them, and have never felt in the least possessive. Its what I always wanted for my children. Children are supposed to leave home and be independant, its so selfish of parents to pressure or guilt trip their children to stay. She needs to get a life of her own and for once be responsible for herself.

I think its a good thing that he will be moving so far away, its the best thing do so in such cases. Otherwise she will never let him go. He may have problems with her contacting him all the time and putting the guilt trip on him, and wanting him to visit, so you will need to agree with how that is dealt with. Personally I wouldn't marry a man who was still so very closely emotionally tied to his mother at his age, but hopefully he will do the right thing and leave.
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