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post #31 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 05:36 PM
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Re: I might hit my wife

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Originally Posted by inmyprime View Post
Yes of course you are right. But is it the "job" of the spouse to be your partner's shrink? Most of us are not qualified (it's not because we don't want to do it, we just might do it the wrong way. People train for this kind of thing for years and take exams!).

In my wife's case, 95% of our arguments are hormone-related. 3 weeks each month, we have an otherwise almost perfect marriage!
As to being the shrink for your spouse. Well yes it is your job to at least help her. If you can't then read and study or get her real professional help.

Seriously, couples support each other and while you may not have the credentials, you did sign up for the support part when you married your spouse.

Not for the statement that really triggered my desire to comment.

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In my wife's case, 95% of our arguments are hormone-related.
That is so incredibly disrespectful! Our spouses usually know our thoughts due to body language, facial expressions, tone of voice etc. If she was upset with you and you gave off any vibes as to oh not not this hormonal crap again, she has a right to be very very angry with you.

If you are not mature enough to be married to a woman and chosen a woman you trusted and respected, then you have no right to be married.

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Originally Posted by inmyprime View Post
She loves spanking and when I am violent-ish in bed. That's what made me realise that she's teasing out this side of me on purpose sometimes. However I also don't want to sound like a typical abuser who thinks that their wife is asking for it! :-0
She is otherwise like an angel though. Very strange mixture. Sorry for TJ. It's not about my relationship on this thread. Thought i offer a comment that it's not an uncommon feeling. But there is a clear line (in bed, the lines seem to be more blurry..).
As stated earlier consensual BDSM is different from violence, except possibly in the eyes of a police officer. For consensual BDSM you need safe words, carefully scripted and agreed upon play session, aftercare, and above all mutual trust. If you feel like you came close to hitting her in a non BDSM setting, you may not necessarily have the control you need to top her. If I were her, I would not want to be topped by someone who felt they ever came close to loosing it.

Let me do a digression for a moment. I have a coworker whose wife once got angry at him and hit him, broke his glasses and kept hitting him. In his mind, to protect himself and stop the fight he hit his wife hard. She called the police, the police arrived and in this State, they are required in a domestic violence situation to haul one partner to jail (zero tolerance, zero judgement). They asked the wife if she hit the husband. She said no. The husband stupidly said yes she did, you see these broken glasses, she kept hitting me until I made her stop by hitting her. That was all the police needed to take him to jail and book him to hold overnight. He admitted to hitting her, she did not admit to hitting him. He was taken to jail in his underwear. He had to call friends and coworkers to bail him out of jail in the morning and bring him clothes to wear to work.

He ultimately got a really good attorney and at trial was not convicted of domestic violence, but the arrest is still on his record. Ultimately, he divorced his wife, but that is another story.

I also know a guy whose wife use to literally beat him with either a rolling pin or cast iron frying pan. Seriously, old school cartoonish. One day he snapped, took the frying pan out of her hand and hit her on the head with it. She died. I met him after he was paroled and we worked together. He was a fairly gentle guy who just lost it one day and lost decades of his life because of it.

The point of the digressions are that violence no matter what you might think and even if you think it might be in self defense, is not as good as walking away and out the door.

You are lucky because you were able to control yourself. However, you have the ability to let people get to you or not. If you allow others to emotionally trigger rage in you, then you have given them control over you. You need to learn though coping skills how not to get angry, how not to feel enraged. That is your responsibility as a man.

Many men in such a situation will simple say, I am too emotional at this moment to continue and I need to take a break, go outside for a walk. I will be back, when I am emotionally under control.

Other men, will just stop what they are doing sit down and go into an emotional catatonic state, where they don't talk, don't look at their partner, and just focus on soothing thoughts.

Still others, will smile, not get angry, look at their partner and ask their spouse, why did you say that or do that honey? I don't think what I did warranted that kind of response from you. They will be calm and not angry and ask their spouse to logically explain why they did something that triggered an action that use to make you angry and rageful.

An example of a coping mechanism that you could take a class on or study more is Non-violent communication theory.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication

Good luck.

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post #32 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 05:48 PM
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Re: I might hit my wife

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
Losing control and hitting someone is a mistake you don't get to make even once. Control is what separates us from animals -
My cat likes to play rough at times. Especially play biting. If he didn't have control I would be Captain Hook.

Hitting a spouse plays right into their plan and is a bad idea.
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post #33 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 05:57 PM
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Re: I might hit my wife

I'm confused... is inmyprime the OP?

(EDIT - addition below)

Nevermind... because of how "inmyprime" responded, I thought he was the OP... and my "BDSM" suggestion was aimed as his response ( #7 )
This is my mistake...
@EleGirl : my response about "your wife is being a brat" and suggesting the BDSM lifestyle was WRONG on my end... I mixed two different posters.

So I disregard what I posted earlier.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.

Last edited by TaDor; 04-10-2017 at 06:14 PM.
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post #34 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 06:09 PM
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Re: I might hit my wife

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Originally Posted by Young at Heart View Post
I also know a guy whose wife use to literally beat him with either a rolling pin or cast iron frying pan. Seriously, old school cartoonish. One day he snapped, took the frying pan out of her hand and hit her on the head with it. She died. I met him after he was paroled and we worked together. He was a fairly gentle guy who just lost it one day and lost decades of his life because of it.

The point of the digressions are that violence no matter what you might think and even if you think it might be in self defense, is not as good as walking away and out the door.
In my state or city... they arrest BOTH people usually. In the case of my wife - she only got arrested because I was the only one bleeding. If both parties have injuries - they arrest both, no matter who started it.

Sorry about your friend..., hopefully that was an OLDER LAW situation.

PS: Yep on BDSM... consenting spanking / etc is not abusive.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #35 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 06:22 PM
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Re: I might hit my wife

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Originally Posted by anoynymous View Post
i am a man of logic and maturity. the concept "husband is always wrong, gets me really angry. I was really close to losing my temper and beating the **** out of my wife. But I controlled my anger, but I am not sure till where I can control it. Everyone has a breaking point, and I don't want to experience it.
anoynymous,
either one of you being violent with the other is wrong. When you mentioned "the concept husband is always wrong" I'm not sure if you were telling us that she can hit you but that you cannot hit her. Either of you being violent is a relationship deal breaker and you need to get some space away from each other probably. Maybe I read into your comment incorrectly?

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post #36 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 06:26 PM
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Re: I might hit my wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by Young at Heart View Post
As to being the shrink for your spouse. Well yes it is your job to at least help her. If you can't then read and study or get her real professional help.

Seriously, couples support each other and while you may not have the credentials, you did sign up for the support part when you married your spouse.

What are you talking about: who said I don't want to help her. I was responding to a comment thatverbally abused spouse should start from the ground up, going back to childhood issues etc. I am not qualified for that kind of level of help! A professional shrink is. Anyway, she doesn't need a shrink and doesn't have those issues in any case.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Young at Heart View Post
Not for the statement that really triggered my desire to comment.

That is so incredibly disrespectful! Our spouses usually know our thoughts due to body language, facial expressions, tone of voice etc. If she was upset with you and you gave off any vibes as to oh not not this hormonal crap again, she has a right to be very very angry with you.

If you are not mature enough to be married to a woman and chosen a woman you trusted and respected, then you have no right to be married.
Again. WHAT?? She wasn't upset with me, her hormones go haywire once a month. It's a scientific fact. Why is it disrespectful? I said it happens once a month, due to her PMS. Is having PMS disrespectful now? Are you confusing me with someone else? I feel rage building up :-) (I am joking, in case it wasn't clear).


Quote:
Originally Posted by Young at Heart View Post
As stated earlier consensual BDSM is different from violence, except possibly in the eyes of a police officer. For consensual BDSM you need safe words, carefully scripted and agreed upon play session, aftercare, and above all mutual trust. If you feel like you came close to hitting her in a non BDSM setting, you may not necessarily have the control you need to top her. If I were her, I would not want to be topped by someone who felt they ever came close to loosing it.

I am not confusing actual domestic violence with BDSM. I mention it in relation to the fact that sometimes it is hard to tell when it becomes a sexual thing in my wife's particular case. It took me a while to figure out that it's sometimes part of a spiel (I still sometimes am not sure), but I imagine some couples may never figure it out. It doesn't give you permission to hit anyone (I don't, until i know for sure we are having sex, and even then I can only do spanking).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Young at Heart View Post
Let me do a digression for a moment. I have a coworker whose wife once got angry at him and hit him, broke his glasses and kept hitting him. In his mind, to protect himself and stop the fight he hit his wife hard. She called the police, the police arrived and in this State, they are required in a domestic violence situation to haul one partner to jail (zero tolerance, zero judgement). They asked the wife if she hit the husband. She said no. The husband stupidly said yes she did, you see these broken glasses, she kept hitting me until I made her stop by hitting her. That was all the police needed to take him to jail and book him to hold overnight. He admitted to hitting her, she did not admit to hitting him. He was taken to jail in his underwear. He had to call friends and coworkers to bail him out of jail in the morning and bring him clothes to wear to work.

He ultimately got a really good attorney and at trial was not convicted of domestic violence, but the arrest is still on his record. Ultimately, he divorced his wife, but that is another story.

I also know a guy whose wife use to literally beat him with either a rolling pin or cast iron frying pan. Seriously, old school cartoonish. One day he snapped, took the frying pan out of her hand and hit her on the head with it. She died. I met him after he was paroled and we worked together. He was a fairly gentle guy who just lost it one day and lost decades of his life because of it.

The point of the digressions are that violence no matter what you might think and even if you think it might be in self defense, is not as good as walking away and out the door.
Do you think I don't realise this? And why I try to run a million miles away from this kind of situation from even arising? What is it with these forums where people either don't take in or don't want to take in the actual content of a post before writing an emotionally laden reply.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Young at Heart View Post
You are lucky because you were able to control yourself. However, you have the ability to let people get to you or not. If you allow others to emotionally trigger rage in you, then you have given them control over you. You need to learn though coping skills how not to get angry, how not to feel enraged. That is your responsibility as a man.

Many men in such a situation will simple say, I am too emotional at this moment to continue and I need to take a break, go outside for a walk. I will be back, when I am emotionally under control.


Other men, will just stop what they are doing sit down and go into an emotional catatonic state, where they don't talk, don't look at their partner, and just focus on soothing thoughts.
Have you read my post?? Those are exactly the things I do to stop myself. Are we getting into thought crimes again?

Ok, I put it down to internet mis-communication.

Last edited by inmyprime; 04-10-2017 at 06:42 PM.
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post #37 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 06:52 PM
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Re: I might hit my wife

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Originally Posted by inmyprime View Post

Ok, I put it down to internet mis-communication.



Let's put the blame where it belongs please...the internet mis-communication came straight from the thread starter who has only posted once and then flew the coupe so to speak.

OP, we really need more info on exactly why you think hitting your wife is a good idea. Thankfully you haven't done it, but it is a big problem you are even thinking about it as an option. You must be pretty upset over something she does constantly. Why do you stay if it is this bad? What options can you use that are not destructive to make her see that this upsets you tremendously? If you were just venting about wanting to hit her, your post makes a little more sense, but we obviously need more information to better understand your situation.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #38 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 07:07 PM
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Re: I might hit my wife

Jackie Gleason [as Ralph Kramden] had this figured out in the Fifties. He did.

When his wife, Alice, pushed his buttons, he jerked his head back, his big belly bursting out of his bus drivers jacket.

He paced, he pounded, he wagged that big fat finger in her face.

Finally, when he could not hold it in any longer. He held his fist in her face.

Ralph would scream out. "To the Moon, Alice, to the Moon"!! Everyone who watched this show could not wait until he did it again...and again.

That program could never be aired or played today. Re-runs, I am sure would avoid those particular scenes.

And rightly so. Ralph never hit Alice.....he loved her more than anything in the world. That beautiful wife just enjoyed pushing Chubbies buttons.

He was the original Archie Bunker.

Alice was TV's original, free thinking....independent women. When I was a young teen, I thought she was a shrew. Now, looking back, Ralph was an overbearing boor, a bully,
A big Teddy Bear, a Schmoozer, with a big mouth and a big heart that he hid from others.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #39 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 07:14 PM
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Re: I might hit my wife

Op - take it from me, in most states lumping your spouse is actually illegal...especially in California. California takes that **** seriously. Avoid CA at all costs.

Now in Minnesota locking your spouse in the trunk of the car and leaving it in your unattached carport in January, assuming there's adequate ventilation, isn't even an infraction. The Gopher state is dope!

.........><)))#">
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post #40 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 07:18 PM
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Re: I might hit my wife

You do not want to hit your wife.

Jail is not a very fun place, bail is expensive and there are a lot of guys in there that do not take too kindly to wife beaters.

Your family and friends will likely be completely humiliated, especially when your name is ran in the news paper.

Got a job? Sure your boss is going to love hearing why you don't show up to work for a few days.

Buy a punching bag if you want to hit something.


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