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post #1 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 02:10 AM Thread Starter
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I might hit my wife

i am a man of logic and maturity. the concept "husband is always wrong, gets me really angry. I was really close to losing my temper and beating the **** out of my wife. But I controlled my anger, but I am not sure till where I can control it. Everyone has a breaking point, and I don't want to experience it.

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post #2 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 01:44 AM
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Re: I might hit my wife

@anoynymous

If you are that close to hitting her, you need to get into anger management counseling.
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post #3 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 02:01 AM
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Re: I might hit my wife

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i am a man of logic and maturity. the concept "husband is always wrong, gets me really angry. I was really close to losing my temper and beating the **** out of my wife. But I controlled my anger, but I am not sure till where I can control it. Everyone has a breaking point, and I don't want to experience it.
Hi There

Being a man, I totally understand how frustrating it is when you feel like you are 'wrong' but before you do anything stupid - just remember, violence of any sort is completely unacceptable.

Isn't it interesting - a true masculine responds to challenge. If a man has a business and things aren't going well, what happens? He pushes harder and tries to find a way to make it work. But when he's in a relationship and he doesn't understand what's happening, he either becomes a mouse or he gets aggressive. If you were respond to this situation as a challenge and recognise that this is a huge learning experience for you that could turn your life around, then it would free you.

Yes, men are logical but feminine energy doesn't respond the same. Recognise that when she's firing those 'bullets' at you, she's calling to you to listen and meet her needs. Understand that her world is an emotional world based on feeling, not logic. If you actually made an effort to become somewhat of a detective and understand what she's actually calling out to you for, then you could turn things around.

As long as you get angry and aggressive, you simply will go nowhere in your relationship...
I don't mean to be blunt but it's important that you grasp this message - otherwise you will continue to experience the anger and rage that you are feeling at the moment.

Thanks
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post #4 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 02:06 AM
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Re: I might hit my wife

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i am a man of logic and maturity. the concept "husband is always wrong, gets me really angry. I was really close to losing my temper and beating the **** out of my wife. But I controlled my anger, but I am not sure till where I can control it. Everyone has a breaking point, and I don't want to experience it.
Don't.

Leave her if you can't control yourself. You probably shouldn't be married.
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post #5 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 03:25 AM
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Better have a really good reason to hit your wife or any woman for that matter. You may find yourself in a worse situation.

What would it solve?

If one or both of you have such issues... Divorce.
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post #6 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 06:08 AM
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Re: I might hit my wife

Does she hit you?

Only reason to hit someone is to protect yourself.
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post #7 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 06:46 AM
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Re: I might hit my wife

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Originally Posted by shrah25 View Post
Hi There

Being a man, I totally understand how frustrating it is when you feel like you are 'wrong' but before you do anything stupid - just remember, violence of any sort is completely unacceptable.

Isn't it interesting - a true masculine responds to challenge. If a man has a business and things aren't going well, what happens? He pushes harder and tries to find a way to make it work. But when he's in a relationship and he doesn't understand what's happening, he either becomes a mouse or he gets aggressive. If you were respond to this situation as a challenge and recognise that this is a huge learning experience for you that could turn your life around, then it would free you.

Yes, men are logical but feminine energy doesn't respond the same. Recognise that when she's firing those 'bullets' at you, she's calling to you to listen and meet her needs. Understand that her world is an emotional world based on feeling, not logic. If you actually made an effort to become somewhat of a detective and understand what she's actually calling out to you for, then you could turn things around.

As long as you get angry and aggressive, you simply will go nowhere in your relationship...
I don't mean to be blunt but it's important that you grasp this message - otherwise you will continue to experience the anger and rage that you are feeling at the moment.

Thanks
Actually I think this is too simplistic. I often had the feeling that during certain arguments we have at home (usually when her PMS is really bad), my wife would on some level prefer it, if I showed any sign of being violent (or getting me into that stage). It would give her the confirmation that she is able to "get me out of myself" and lose control. It's really mental sometimes.

I never really lost it with her but I was also extremely close. It would usually happen during a very heated argument (about absolutely nothing) and when I know she's trying just to get a reaction out of me. I would then often ask her to leave the room or try to leave the room myself because I know, that once she calms down, it'll be over and she will stop this non sense and things will be normal. But when she won't let me go, won't give me space/doesn't respect my request for leaving me alone, it's difficult not to tip over to that bad place. On occasion, I have tried to push her aside so that i could go to anther room. I would do it carefully. However in her head, she would get her "satisfaction" that I lost control (and say that I "shoved" her or whatever) without me actually getting "violent" as such. She would then storm off and leave me alone (which is what I want in those situations). I have also tried just counting and bearing being in the same room while she throws accusations and ridiculous things at me (it's mostly meaningless, hormone-related behaviour, I realise, for some, there can be valid and serious arguments). But it was not as productive as pretending to get violent, if that makes sense...

Sometimes we "resolve" the problem by ****ing vigorously too. Go figure. It's literally once a month, like clock-work (though intensity of arguments varies).

But sending people to "anger management" by default is not always the most informed option (unless the guy actually loses it properly, then perhaps prison is a better option). I think people don't realise how bad it can get for women during PMS. I now keep an app on my phone so i kind of know what I am dealing with and when.
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post #8 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 06:54 AM
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Re: I might hit my wife

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Originally Posted by inmyprime View Post
Actually I think this is too simplistic. I often had the feeling that during certain arguments we have at home (usually when her PMS is really bad), my wife would on some level prefer it, if I showed any sign of being violent (or getting me into that stage). It would give her the confirmation that she is able to "get me out of myself" and lose control. It's really mental sometimes.

I never really lost it with her but I was also extremely close. It would usually happen during a very heated argument (about absolutely nothing) and when I know she's trying just to get a reaction out of me. I would then often ask her to leave the room or try to leave the room myself because I know, that once she calms down, it'll be over and she will stop this non sense and things will be normal. But when she won't let me go, won't give me space/doesn't respect my request for leaving me alone, it's difficult not to tip over to that bad place. On occasion, I have tried to push her aside so that i could go to anther room. I would do it carefully. However in her head, she would get her "satisfaction" that I lost control (and say that I "shoved" her or whatever) without me actually getting "violent" as such. She would then storm off and leave me alone (which is what I want in those situations). I have also tried just counting and bearing being in the same room while she throws accusations and ridiculous things at me (it's mostly meaningless, hormone-related behaviour, I realise, for some, there can be valid and serious arguments). But it was not as productive as pretending to get violent, if that makes sense...

Sometimes we "resolve" the problem by ****ing vigorously too. Go figure. It's literally once a month, like clock-work (though intensity of arguments varies).

But sending people to "anger management" by default is not always the most informed option (unless the guy actually loses it properly, then perhaps prison is a better option). I think people don't realise how bad it can get for women during PMS. I now keep an app on my phone so i kind of know what I am dealing with and when.
Hi There

Relationships are complex and I agree that there is probably a lot more to it than what I referred to but it's important to work at a simple level first if they are operating at an 'unconscious' level. If someone is dealing with anger and then you suddenly jump deep into childhood traumas or the examples that you gave, then it may appear too complex and further exacerbate the issue. When healing, you have to go through the various stages, not just jump straight into the depths of the root cause - otherwise that root cause will never have the impact that it needs to have.

You're points are absolutely valid and accurate - but taking individuals through the various stages is crucial and sometimes that means stating some of the simple concepts first and then progressing from there.

Thanks
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post #9 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 07:00 AM
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Re: I might hit my wife

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Originally Posted by shrah25 View Post
Hi There

Relationships are complex and I agree that there is probably a lot more to it than what I referred to but it's important to work at a simple level first if they are operating at an 'unconscious' level. If someone is dealing with anger and then you suddenly jump deep into childhood traumas or the examples that you gave, then it may appear too complex and further exacerbate the issue. When healing, you have to go through the various stages, not just jump straight into the depths of the root cause - otherwise that root cause will never have the impact that it needs to have.

You're points are absolutely valid and accurate - but taking individuals through the various stages is crucial and sometimes that means stating some of the simple concepts first and then progressing from there.

Thanks
Yes of course you are right. But is it the "job" of the spouse to be your partner's shrink? Most of us are not qualified (it's not because we don't want to do it, we just might do it the wrong way. People train for this kind of thing for years and take exams!).

In my wife's case, 95% of our arguments are hormone-related. 3 weeks each month, we have an otherwise almost perfect marriage!
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post #10 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 07:15 AM
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Re: I might hit my wife

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Yes of course you are right. But is it the "job" of the spouse to be your partner's shrink? Most of us are not qualified (it's not because we don't want to do it, we just might do it the wrong way. People train for this kind of thing for years and take exams!).

In my wife's case, 95% of our arguments are hormone-related. 3 weeks each month, we have an otherwise almost perfect marriage!
Great question! My take on this - and yes, another simple answer - is that it's our job in a relationship to love our partner unconditionally. Then the question is that, what would you be prepared to do for someone that you truly love? Typically the answer is anything. When you love someone unconditionally, even when all the stones are being thrown, it's amazing the healing force it has on the other person. I do believe it's also our job as part of the learning process to truly learn about our partners at an in-depth level...As we learn more, we can continue to give more which then expands our capacity to give love.

From there, either it works, or you get to a place where you recognise that loving them means letting them go onto the next stage of their journey. If that means that they need to rediscover themselves and heal those wounds on the inside, then so be it.

Partners are not there to coach - partners are there to love...truly love.

If they only love when they get something in return, then it's a transaction and that, in the long run, never works...

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post #11 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 07:30 AM
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Re: I might hit my wife

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Great question! My take on this - and yes, another simple answer - is that it's our job in a relationship to love our partner unconditionally. Then the question is that, what would you be prepared to do for someone that you truly love? Typically the answer is anything. When you love someone unconditionally, even when all the stones are being thrown, it's amazing the healing force it has on the other person. I do believe it's also our job as part of the learning process to truly learn about our partners at an in-depth level...As we learn more, we can continue to give more which then expands our capacity to give love.

From there, either it works, or you get to a place where you recognise that loving them means letting them go onto the next stage of their journey. If that means that they need to rediscover themselves and heal those wounds on the inside, then so be it.

Partners are not there to coach - partners are there to love...truly love.

If they only love when they get something in return, then it's a transaction and that, in the long run, never works...
Again, you are completely right, as far as the general idea is concerned. It may be idealistic, but it should be that way at least...The problem is that the act of love itself, is arguably a selfish endeavour: you love someone because you want them to love you back. This may only be the case on a subconscious level of course. Biologically speaking, I think it is only possible to love your child or immediate family really altruistically and unconditionally. Especially the bond between mother and child is the strongest bond possible (genetically) and you will always love your child, no matter what, that's coded into us. The bond between spouses is arguably the weakest (I am talking in general terms as well). This is the reason why we have such elaborate ceremonies (weddings etc) and make so many promises/vows etc to "seal" the bond. It's actually fundamentally not very strong and impossible to actually "seal" anything.

Over the years (and I have only been together with one partner, my wife, for almost 20 years now), I have come to believe, a successful marriage is actually more about couples respecting each other and showing courtesy. Anything beyond it, requires quite a lot of work and self-persuasion. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my wife and would do anything for her. But I can say with certainty that it is not the same type of love as I have for my children. In my head, I feel like I do love her in the same altruistic way, but I am not sure whether it is not my ideals speaking instead.

Last edited by inmyprime; 04-10-2017 at 07:50 AM.
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post #12 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 07:32 AM
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She wants the excitement of you being in the edge. It's not healthy for you. Like, it's stressing out your heart.

She is being a brat.

Offer a trade... She tones it down... You hit her with a flogger while tied to the bed. She wants a spanking that Will sting for a day or so.
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post #13 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 07:39 AM
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Re: I might hit my wife

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She wants the excitement of you being in the edge. It's not healthy for you. Like, it's stressing out your heart.

She is being a brat.

Offer a trade... She tones it down... You hit her with a flogger while tied to the bed. She wants a spanking that Will sting for a day or so.
Beat me to it!

Learn how to spank her without hurting her and start having a lot more sex.

Of course your wrong. You are a man. She knew it going in.

So since she married a man, act like one.

Don't ever hit a woman unless defending yourself or others.

More sex and spanking is my prescription.
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post #14 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 07:43 AM
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Re: I might hit my wife

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Again, you are completely right, as far as the general idea is concerned. It may be idealistic, but it should be that way at least...The problem is that the act of love itself, is arguably a selfish endeavour: you love someone because you want them to love you back. This may only be the case on a subconscious level of course. Biologically speaking, I think it is only possible to love your child or immediate family really altruistically and unconditionally. Especially the bond between mother and child is the strongest bond possible (genetically) and you will always love your child, no matter what, that's coded into us. The bond between spouses is arguably the weakest (I am talking in general terms as well). This is the reason why we have such elaborate ceremonies (weddings etc) and make so many promises/vows etc to "seal" the bond. It's actually fundamentally not very strong and impossible to actually "seal".

Over the years (and I have only been together with one partner, my wife, for almost 20 years now), I have come to believe, a successful marriage is actually more about couples respecting each other and showing courtesy. Anything beyond it, requires quite a lot of work and self-persuasion. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my wife and would do anything for her. But I can say with certainty that it is not the same type of love as I have for my children. In my head, I feel like I do love her in the same altruistic way, but I am not sure whether it is not my ideals speaking instead.
Hi There

I understand where you're coming from here, but i'm going to have to disagree with you here. Love is a verb, not a noun. Love is about giving, not getting. It is absolutely not a selfish endeavour because love is about serving and giving from the heart. As long as you are loving to get back, then it's a trade and then it's not love.

As far as relationships go, I have seen so many couples who have got the most extraordinary marriage where they grow emotionally, mentally and spiritually with each other and have created a love that is so pure, it's beautiful to see. Your comment about a relationship requiring work - well, that goes without saying. This is absolutely paramount for anything to grow in life. For some reason, as a society, we are prepared to go to the gym and build muscle, we're prepared to grow our businesses but very few make the real commitment to do the same for their relationship. This, in my opinion, is what causes so many relationships to fail.

I'll stop going on about this topic here but if you want to learn more, I think a book such as "perfect love, imperfect relationship" by John Welwood might be a good one to read.
Cheers
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post #15 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 07:44 AM
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Re: I might hit my wife

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She wants the excitement of you being in the edge. It's not healthy for you. Like, it's stressing out your heart.

She is being a brat.

Offer a trade... She tones it down... You hit her with a flogger while tied to the bed. She wants a spanking that Will sting for a day or so.
She loves spanking and when I am violent-ish in bed. That's what made me realise that she's teasing out this side of me on purpose sometimes. However I also don't want to sound like a typical abuser who thinks that their wife is asking for it! :-0
She is otherwise like an angel though. Very strange mixture. Sorry for TJ. It's not about my relationship on this thread. Thought i offer a comment that it's not an uncommon feeling. But there is a clear line (in bed, the lines seem to be more blurry..).
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