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post #1 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 03:41 PM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Distance might kill it, what to do ? :(

Me and my girlfriend are having a long distance relationship, she is 25 and I am 19, that is not easy I admit it, but our love is strong and we really love eachother, fights happen, problems too but we always fix them or work on them till they are not a problem anymore but now something is changing, some days ago we had a huge fight since she wanted space and I at least wanted to know the reason wich she said she didn't know herself and was also pms'ing but I kept pushing on it and then that lead into fight and then a talk about it that we fixed.

While on that she told me I was too clingy and that sometimes she feels suffocated/tired and that that's why she wanted space but she also has the habbit of hidding her emotions and problems sometimes so she does not bother me with them and so when she ask's space I think its that, I don't like that because I want to be always there for her and help when that's the case and so I made her promisse me that she will only ask me space when the reason is that she feels suffocated and I would do my best to not make her feel that way, we agreed and fixed the issue.

Now yesterday she told me she had bad news that her work time will change soon and she will have to work 12 hours, leading only to one hour maybe two in max. of us actually talking wich made me feel so depressed knowing she would not have much time for me making our long distance relationship worst, but I accepted it, I don't want to give up on us just because of that, she was depressed about it too I could tell and she was kinda giving up and saying that she did not know if we would overcome this and that we will probably split because of it in future wich it hurted me seing her giving up like that when she would always be hopefull in our future, sometimes more than me, and telling me that I would get over it after sometime if it happened wich I got pissed because I love her and she saying that hurted me and saying all she wanted was me being happy and that she was sorry for not being able to give me more time together and attention like we usualy do and that I deserved someone who would do that for me, I rejected and denied all that saying what asked what did she wanted and if she was sure about our relationship and she with tearing up said she wanted to be with me but she wanted me happy and knew we were gonna split because of this and I kept in saying that we would overcome this and this will make us stronger, I do am insecure but I know she wouldnt cheat on me, but to be honest ive been overthinking and what if she falls for some dude now that we wont have much time together, I mean like a co-worker, because they do try to seduce her but she shuts them down always but what if distance changes this I don't want to give up of us but I really am scared of what this could bring.
I would like to know what you guys think about this and should I do about it please help.

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post #2 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 04:04 PM
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Re: Distance might kill it, what to do ? :(

It sounds to me like your gf wants to break up with you but is afraid to do so.

I was in a long distance relationship with my partner for close to 5 years. We spent every free minute either on Skype or messaging each other via whatsapp. Oftentimes, we even went to sleep/woke up together via skype. I can't imagine either one of us feeling a need for space, it was always the exact opposite. Overall, the long distance was difficult and I certainly wouldn't advise it to someone at your age. You really should be going out and having fun with friends rather than staying home/glued to your screen.


How long have the two of you been long distance? And how much longer do you plan to be?
What work does she do that now requires her to work 12 hours?
How much cyber time were you guys spending together at the time when she said she wanted space?
Why does she think you are clingy? Do you think you can come across as clingy sometimes?
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post #3 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 04:26 PM
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Re: Distance might kill it, what to do ? :(

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Now yesterday she told me she had bad news that her work time will change soon and she will have to work 12 hours, leading only to one hour maybe two in max. of us actually talking wich made me feel so depressed knowing she would not have much time for me making our long distance relationship worst, but I accepted it, I don't want to give up on us just because of that, she was depressed about it too I could tell and she was kinda giving up and saying that she did not know if we would overcome this and that we will probably split because of it in future wich it hurted me seing her giving up like that when she would always be hopefull in our future, sometimes more than me, and telling me that I would get over it after sometime if it happened wich I got pissed because I love her and she saying that hurted me and saying all she wanted was me being happy and that she was sorry for not being able to give me more time together and attention like we usualy do and that I deserved someone who would do that for me, I rejected and denied all that saying what asked what did she wanted and if she was sure about our relationship and she with tearing up said she wanted to be with me but she wanted me happy and knew we were gonna split because of this and I kept in saying that we would overcome this and this will make us stronger, I do am insecure but I know she wouldnt cheat on me, but to be honest ive been overthinking and what if she falls for some dude now that we wont have much time together, I mean like a co-worker, because they do try to seduce her but she shuts them down always but what if distance changes this I don't want to give up of us but I really am scared of what this could bring.
I would like to know what you guys think about this and should I do about it please help.
The part that is underlined: I've done this with bfs on 2 occassions when I was in my teens. Once because I was feeling insecure and really wanted reassurance and he was usually not an emotionally responsive person so I felt I needed to scare him into displaying emotion. The second time because I wasn't really feeling things and was to chicken to say it outright. Either way, your gf comes across as a bit immature in her approach. She's 25 but acting like a teenager.

The bolded part: you'll surely learn this as you get older but it would behoove you to avoid convincing yourself that your gf is incapable of cheating on you. This is as much a possibility whether she gives you all the time in the world or limits your time, as she is doing now.

Please also clarify, why do you guys now only have one or two hours of time together? What is the extent of your communication? Is it strictly skype? Do you not stay in contact throughout the day through chat?
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post #4 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 04:30 PM
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Re: Distance might kill it, what to do ? :(

Have you ever actually met? How long have you been in contact?
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post #5 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 04:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Distance might kill it, what to do ? :(

We have been dating for 3 months and half now on long distance and we are planing to till we can sort things out and me moving out with her in future in her country wich being realistic might take some 2-3years to be honest, but we will visit eachother in space between, well she is a Pharmaceutical Quality Inspector and she can't deny the 12hour when it comes because its mandatory (they had a reunion for it and it says on her contract they can request it be that way for what she told me) also we spend Like 5 hours together on skype usualy (when she asked for space, wich only lasted like a day and its still current hours we usualy have), before that it was 8hours but we reduced it since she needed more sleep she was only having like 5-6hours of sleep and we raised it to 8, I know I do am clingy 2 of my 3 ex's said so too but my gf says she loves me being clingy, before she would spam msg me while i slept of missing me so much and is clingy too wich now not so much :/ but she said is because her work is making her more tired that theres still that 2% of her that wants her space and and made her suffocated, I never made her not go with her friends out, except once because I thinked she was going with a guy alone to cinema but then she told me it was a girl and she ended up canceling anyway, something changed and im not to sure if its her actually getting worn out of work or if shes losing interest in me
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post #6 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 04:51 PM
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Re: Distance might kill it, what to do ? :(

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We have been dating for 3 months and half now on long distance and we are planing to till we can sort things out and me moving out with her in future in her country wich being realistic might take some 2-3years to be honest, but we will visit eachother in space between, well she is a Pharmaceutical Quality Inspector and she can't deny the 12hour when it comes because its mandatory (they had a reunion for it and it says on her contract they can request it be that way for what she told me) also we spend Like 5 hours together on skype usualy (when she asked for space, wich only lasted like a day and its still current hours we usualy have), before that it was 8hours but we reduced it since she needed more sleep she was only having like 5-6hours of sleep and we raised it to 8, I know I do am clingy 2 of my 3 ex's said so too but my gf says she loves me being clingy, before she would spam msg me while i slept of missing me so much and is clingy too wich now not so much :/ but she said is because her work is making her more tired that theres still that 2% of her that wants her space and and made her suffocated, I never made her not go with her friends out, except once because I thinked she was going with a guy alone to cinema but then she told me it was a girl and she ended up canceling anyway, something changed and im not to sure if its her actually getting worn out of work or if shes losing interest in me
Please address Diana's comment, have you ever met? How exactly did you meet?

If two of your exes said you are clingy, and now your current gf, then you should really think about that seriously. I've been with one man who was clingy. As a woman, it is a major turn off. As a man, this is something you must address seriously. A clingy man will be perceived as weak by a woman, no ifs or buts about it. Your gf may say she likes this now, that will not last very long. When a woman sees a man as weak, it introduces all sorts of problems in a relationship. She may begin to get very demanding, she may want things her way, she may start to lose sexual attraction to you, she may decide to cheat on you with a more "alpha" guy...

It will be easier if you try to work on your clinginess now as opposed to when you get older.
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post #7 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 05:02 PM
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Re: Distance might kill it, what to do ? :(

3 months long distance is really not that long for a relationship. I'm not sure how many relationships you've been in OP but typically, couples are ecstatic about each other and their relationship at this stage. This 'honeymoon stage' usually lasts for the first year or two of the relationship. During that time, arguments are relatively few and far between, and this is the period when we brush aside the faults in each other. With my partner, it lasted for the first 3 years of our long distance relationship.

It is concerning that you two are having these issues when you've only been together for 3 months. If I were in your shoes, I would tell her exactly what she wanted to hear so I could get a better idea of her true feelings. I would agree with her when she started suggesting that things would not work out and you would break up. I would go even further and suggest we break up now to avoid wasting our time.

If she agrees, then this tactic would have worked in your favor and you just avoided wasting your time on someone who does not want to be with you.

If she balks and goes 360 and refuses to break up, then this still worked in your favor because it's clear that she did not actually want to do this but really just wanted explicit reassurance from you that things will work out. When we feel insecure about our relationship, us women really need reassurance from the man. I always found it extremely corny when men would tell women that everything would be ok in the movies but I now find that it really comforting when my partner says this and means it.
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post #8 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 05:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Distance might kill it, what to do ? :(

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Please address Diana's comment, have you ever met? How exactly did you meet?

If two of your exes said you are clingy, and now your current gf, then you should really think about that seriously. I've been with one man who was clingy. As a woman, it is a major turn off. As a man, this is something you must address seriously. A clingy man will be perceived as weak by a woman, no ifs or buts about it. Your gf may say she likes this now, that will not last very long. When a woman sees a man as weak, it introduces all sorts of problems in a relationship. She may begin to get very demanding, she may want things her way, she may start to lose sexual attraction to you, she may decide to cheat on you with a more "alpha" guy...

It will be easier if you try to work on your clinginess now as opposed to when you get older.
We met online at first and she once visted too, everything was going so good around a month ago, like I said some fights and problems usualy of jealousy of both sides and her insecurities about what if another girl tried to get with me wich we resolved always, I am aware I am clingy, she had said since she is clingy too for her this was good and that she loved it since she says it shows I care and makes be emotionally responsive and caring, I am working on being clingy and doing my best to improve on it, she knows my past pretty well and I know hers, she knows that my first gf actually cheated on me and I know that her ex treated her like she was just there for the sex and only cared for his videogames and would ignore her feelings and basicly dont give a f* about her , I dont know what to do now I am not giving up on us but she seemed off, she blaimed the pms but I really dont bite that, I dont think pms could make her so negative at this point of actually saying this will make us fall apart and that I deserve to be happy bs, wich I had to show her It won't and I am happy with her, but still I think she didnt quite got conviced, I just dont know what to do
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post #9 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 05:16 PM Thread Starter
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Arrow Re: Distance might kill it, what to do ? :(

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3 months long distance is really not that long for a relationship. I'm not sure how many relationships you've been in OP but typically, couples are ecstatic about each other and their relationship at this stage. This 'honeymoon stage' usually lasts for the first year or two of the relationship. During that time, arguments are relatively few and far between, and this is the period when we brush aside the faults in each other. With my partner, it lasted for the first 3 years of our long distance relationship.

It is concerning that you two are having these issues when you've only been together for 3 months. If I were in your shoes, I would tell her exactly what she wanted to hear so I could get a better idea of her true feelings. I would agree with her when she started suggesting that things would not work out and you would break up. I would go even further and suggest we break up now to avoid wasting our time.

If she agrees, then this tactic would have worked in your favor and you just avoided wasting your time on someone who does not want to be with you.

If she balks and goes 360 and refuses to break up, then this still worked in your favor because it's clear that she did not actually want to do this but really just wanted explicit reassurance from you that things will work out. When we feel insecure about our relationship, us women really need reassurance from the man. I always found it extremely corny when men would tell women that everything would be ok in the movies but I now find that it really comforting when my partner says this and means it.
Thanks the advice Keke, to be honest I will do that in the next time she acts like this, I really love her and It will break my heart pretty badly if she does not feel the same anymore but I need to know, I need to know if she wants to be with me like I want to be with her she says she does, but this that you said is a very nice tactic and I will surely use it next time she acts like this, I already showed her what my true feelings are, I never gave up and I never will even if its hard and we can barely talk for some time, now I need to know if she wants to do the same thing or not. Thanks.
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post #10 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 05:31 PM
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Re: Distance might kill it, what to do ? :(

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We met online at first and she once visted too, everything was going so good around a month ago, like I said some fights and problems usualy of jealousy of both sides and her insecurities about what if another girl tried to get with me wich we resolved always, I am aware I am clingy, she had said since she is clingy too for her this was good and that she loved it since she says it shows I care and makes be emotionally responsive and caring, I am working on being clingy and doing my best to improve on it, she knows my past pretty well and I know hers, she knows that my first gf actually cheated on me and I know that her ex treated her like she was just there for the sex and only cared for his videogames and would ignore her feelings and basicly dont give a f* about her , I dont know what to do now I am not giving up on us but she seemed off, she blaimed the pms but I really dont bite that, I dont think pms could make her so negative at this point of actually saying this will make us fall apart and that I deserve to be happy bs, wich I had to show her It won't and I am happy with her, but still I think she didnt quite got conviced, I just dont know what to do
One more thing @Problem. Your gf may say the clinginess is ok but that still doesn't make it so. It is a really bad idea for someone to encourage unhealthy tendencies from another, just because they themselves exhibit these same tendencies. It's no different from a druggie encouraging their partner to do drugs so they can feel better about themselves and can avoid addressing their drug addiction.

The jealousy from both of you are red flags. The clinginess from both of you are red flags. You cannot have a healthy relationship with jealousy and clinginess. That clinginess will quickly evolve into codepency. Please google this and read up on it.

Here's a piece of advice I wish I received when I was 18 and not now at 27. Read the 5 Love Languages and His Needs Her Needs. It will give you a very clear idea of what a healthy relationship should look like. It will also give you really good insight into what women want/need in a relationship, ways to improve communication and establishing boundaries in your relationship. Please do yourself a favor and avoid unnecessary future headaches by reading these books.

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post #11 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 06:25 PM
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Re: Distance might kill it, what to do ? :(

How long did she visit for? The thing is you say you have been dating for 3 months when you haven't. You cant date if you arent together.
My advise to a 19 year old young man such as yourself, is to try and meet a girl in you own country near to you so you can have a proper relationship. Go out with friends, take up interests and hobbies, sports, have fun.
Things are so much harder when you barely meet and you just cant get to know someone properly when you are apart most of the time. You also say that it will be 2 or 3 years before you can move to her country, that's if you are even allowed to.

Already there are issues, and from what you have said, it does sound as if she is wanting this to end but cant say it directly.

Last edited by Diana7; 04-10-2017 at 06:35 PM.
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post #12 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 06:34 AM
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Ldr / another country / years away / 19 years old... And as others have said, red flags...

As many of us are older and more experienced... Take to heart what experience means... If a 9 year old had a view on sometime, you have more experience to know he is not correct.

At 19 you need to find women near you.
Reality is this. The chances of you two being together in 2 years is tiny... I'd say less than 1%.

Consider yourselves as friends and start dating locally. Unless you live in a village, there should be thousands of young women available for you to meet and date, which you are not doing because you are spending 3-5hrs a day Skype to another country.

Good luck.
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post #13 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 06:55 AM
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Also, if she has not figured this out for herself already she will in the next 3 to 6 months. She is hitting her dating prime. Alone take a rhyme with experience to woo her. She may dump you first or not. Either of you can date others without the other knowing.

Even when I was in my late 30s I was dating women 21-35 years old. Met my wife when she was 25 and I was 40.

You have competition and many challenges due to distance. Should support each other on meeting new people locally.
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post #14 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 07:40 AM
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Cool Re: Distance might kill it, what to do ? :(

I cannot help but think that she is covertly sending out signals that perhaps a long distance relationship is just not in the stars for her, but won't come right out and say it!

If there is any chance at a serious revival of this R, might I suggest a "Come to Jesus" Meeting in a neutral venue where you can ask the hard and pressing questions face to face. And trust me, while the mouth does often lie, body language absolutely does not!

My advise is that even though you're a robust 19, there are a plethora of beautiful girls right there in your own locale who would absolutely give their right arm to be wooed by a guy of your magnitude!

B][If it doesn't ultimately work out with your LD GF, please give serious credence to that sage advise!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #15 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 10:35 AM
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Re: Distance might kill it, what to do ? :(

I've been in a long-distance relationship for almost 5 years. We got married a year ago. My experience in a long distance relationship is, when one person in the relationship needs space, one of several things, or a combination of said things is going on :

1) The person needing space has met or hopes to meet someone else.
2) The two of you are running out of things to talk about, and one is getting bored with the awkward silences.
3) Said person is growing tired of the lack of physical contact. A huge part of a relationship is just being close to one another. Cuddling, sleeping in the same bed, even just doing normal things together like cooking together, or going for a walk. A woman needs to feel loved and appreciated in her physical life.
4) She really just needs some space to figure things out and think clearly about whether this relationship is right for her.

You're so young. Most people in their 30s and older will tell you that 19 is too young to find love. Who you are at 19 is often nothing like who you will be at 30. Wants, needs and life goals change. I settled down with someone with similar interests when I was 21. By 26, I had nothing in common with this individual. By then, we had 4 kids who suffered greatly because of our split.

Although I would hope that you would delay settling down with someone until you are ready, I also know that at your age, most of us were stubborn and chose to do what we wanted to anyway defying all advice. So, advice-wise.... Give her a couple of weeks of silence. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Don't call, text or contact her in any way for two weeks. Do not respond to her either. After the two weeks are up, if you still feel the same way about her, send her flowers or some other gift that you know she'll appreciate. Let her know you are still thinking of her and still care for her. If she doesn't respond, you'll have to move on. In the meantime, reconnect with friends and family, go out and have some fun. Keep yourself busy, even if you don't feel like it. Fake it til you make it. If you do reconnect, you'll have more of a social life and won't come off as clingy. If you don't reconnect, at least you'll have plenty to keep you busy! Also, if the two of you decide to keep working at the relationship, make an effort to be present in her physical life. Send her things like flowers, love letters, or one of your tshirts. Holding things that your loved one has touched helps people feel closer.
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