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post #16 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:59 PM Thread Starter
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I am slowly feeling better, until yesterday I really had not slept much in two weeks. Today I feel a little different about things.

I tried to spend time with my kids yesterday and text the daughter that is with her to keep her included. My wife found out about the text thread and made me feel that it want ok to keep her out of the loop.

I had a realization that this woman make life about herself and really no one else. I as was being pointed out to me being codependent with a disfunctional person that used her illness and my insecurities to her advantage.

I am making myself let her go, I tell myself that 3 times a day. I want things for myself, someone that will appreciate me for me. Its time to think about the future with my kids and her not in them.

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post #17 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 05:27 PM
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Re: Your first and only Love

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I have two of her children, I do not have off own. She cannot have anymore kids after she had the triplets by normal means.
The kids have told me that they think what she did was wrong, even the one that left for her. They said they want my happiness and that I should move on.

The kids are 16, will be 17 this year. I met them when they had just turned 4.

It seems like they are taking this breakup better than I am. I feel it might be because they at least have one parent home trying to keep a normal life for them.
Just because your wife has destroyed her own life and your marriage, don't let her destroy any relationship you have with "your" children and they are your children. You have been their father since they were 4 years old. You will always be their father. They will want you in their wedding someday.

If you are parenting a 16 and 17 year old, I would urge you to get some family counseling as they are at a rebellious and sexually experimental age, where what your wife did could cause long term harm to their maturing into adults. These children (the two with you and the third) probably have serious questions they don't feel they can ask you in normal discussion. Creating a situation where they can ask questions and learn from their mother's mistakes may be really helpful to them.

They probably wonder if you to will stop loving them and if all love relationships are just temporary. As their father you need to help all three of them deal with this radical change in their life and emotional situation.

Good luck.
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post #18 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 07:24 PM
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Re: Your first and only Love

OP,
You took some major blows with 2 x 4's and they seem to have helped. I think your wife has used you all these years.

As pointed out, look at how she handled all this. Pretty despicable.

You should totally cut her off and get a lawyer and cut HER out of your life as best you can.
She will undoubtedly try to take advantage of your weakness and ask you for money, etc.

You are a total fool if you don't sell the car and keep everything you legally can.
Stop being used!
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post #19 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 11:04 PM Thread Starter
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I am forced to stay in contact with this woman because of the kids. I just got a facebook status update for her. The mother of the guy she an off with is welcoming her into their family. I wonder if she knows what she did or who she really is...it doesn't matter.

I am trying to ply nice till I can file for divorce, but the kids and even her dad want me to work things out with her. Why should I let myself to feel this way anymore or let her ruin my life. I want to file in a few days but the kids are begging me to give her a chance to come to her senses.

I don't want to hurt the kids anymore than they already are. She is treating this mans kids like her own, and ignoring the two that dared stay with me. I feel the sooner I get this over with the sooner they can heal.

I also feel bad that now the triplets that have been apart, will not see each other except on weekends.
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post #20 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 11:06 PM Thread Starter
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Sorry for all the grammatical errors I type most of this through my phone.
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post #21 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 11:53 PM
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Re: Your first and only Love

Filing doesn't make it final. You can slow or stop the process before the divorce is finalized.
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post #22 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 12:03 AM
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Re: Your first and only Love

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She said the day after she left that the drinking wasn't helping her auto immune issues. That she only drank because she didn't want me to drink alone.

The guy she ran off with told her to get out as soon as possible from me. So I know there is a lot projection to justify what she did. She wants to be friends and thinks that she did the best thing for both of us. That this will make things better.

As far as I can tell it made me feel insecure about myself, betrayed and confused. She seems perfectly fine with this new guy.

She has no job though and is selling a few things to try and make money. She said she would get a job but according to the daughter that left with her she hasn't even started looking.

I am afraid that I will be stuck with payments on her new car that she left eith as it is in both of our names.
First this is NOT your fault -- SHE is the one that choose to cheat. It should give you a good indication of the type of person she really is that she left her kids....
As for her selling things, you should NOT let her do that -- or document what she does. those are probably community assets, and you should account for them when you DIVORCE her. Also, SELL her car -- why would you need to be saddled with that debt?
Seriously, while you may have caused issues in the marriage, you did NOT choose to CHEAT like she did -- NO excuse for that.

BTW -- you should contact the POSOM's mother and let her know EXACTLY what your wife did...

Last edited by jlg07; 04-13-2017 at 12:08 AM.
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post #23 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 12:05 AM
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Re: Your first and only Love

It sounds like your wife has some very serious mental issues. I would recommend filing for divorce as soon as possible. If she comes to her senses and you decide to do so, you can stop the divorce. But you need to get it started NOW.

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post #24 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 12:46 AM
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Re: Your first and only Love

@bw36912 : you are not going to be cured of co-dependency overnight. it may takes weeks, months or years to get a handle on it. A therapist can help you a lot in that.

Locate a CODA group to talk with others. It's like AA, but for those of co-dependency. Home - CoDA.org

Go to amazon.com and buy these books or ebooks, or see if they are at the library.
1 - You're not crazy - you're codependent by Jeanette Menter
2 - The Human Magnet Syndrome by Rose Rosenberg
3 - The White Knight Syndrome by Lamia & Krieger
4 - Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist (How to end the drama and get on with life) by Margalis Fjelstad

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #25 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 12:52 AM
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Cool Re: Your first and only Love

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Originally Posted by TX-SC View Post
It sounds like your wife has some very serious mental issues. I would recommend filing for divorce as soon as possible. If she comes to her senses and you decide to do so, you can stop the divorce. But you need to get it started NOW.

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And please take the time to let all of those kids know just how very important that they are to you, that what divorce filing actions that you take are not necessarily aimed at them, but rather their cheating mother, and that no matter what, that you will always love, cherish, and revere them! With the plethora of time that you spent raising them, they know that they are preeminently just as much "your kids" and will always be!

And as such, please let them know that you will always be there for them if they ever should need you!



"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #26 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 04:53 PM Thread Starter
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Well it has been two weeks since she left. I have come to terms with the fact that she is gone better now. The weight and the fact that two of the kids really don't want to see her weighs heavily on her as it should.

I found out that she is letting her boyfriend drive the jeep. I am going to contact the back and see what they can do. She has not really looked for a job in the past two weeks, so unless I drop her on everything she will feel no real push to move forward.

I am struggling with being a single parent, maintaining the house and diner with the hours that I work, but I am managing.
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post #27 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 10:58 PM
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Re: Your first and only Love

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Originally Posted by bw36912 View Post
Well it has been two weeks since she left. I have come to terms with the fact that she is gone better now. The weight and the fact that two of the kids really don't want to see her weighs heavily on her as it should.

I found out that she is letting her boyfriend drive the jeep. I am going to contact the back and see what they can do. She has not really looked for a job in the past two weeks, so unless I drop her on everything she will feel no real push to move forward.

I am struggling with being a single parent, maintaining the house and diner with the hours that I work, but I am managing.
The bank is going to tell you that you are on the hook, they want their money. You need to talk to a lawyer and file. In the legal separation papers put she is keeping jeep and from date of filing she is legally responsible for payments, insurance etc.

Your letting her run the show, your letting the kids make decisions about whether to file or not. Quit doing this. Time is not your ally in these situations and the longer your current situation goes on the worse it will be for you.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #28 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 08:43 AM
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Re: Your first and only Love

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Originally Posted by bw36912 View Post
Well it has been two weeks since she left. I have come to terms with the fact that she is gone better now. The weight and the fact that two of the kids really don't want to see her weighs heavily on her as it should.

I found out that she is letting her boyfriend drive the jeep. I am going to contact the back and see what they can do. She has not really looked for a job in the past two weeks, so unless I drop her on everything she will feel no real push to move forward.

I am struggling with being a single parent, maintaining the house and diner with the hours that I work, but I am managing.
You need to legally separate. If she is letting him drive your car, if anything happens YOU are liable and it could really ruin you financially. Please get with a lawyer asap over these items.
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post #29 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 11:37 AM
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Re: Your first and only Love

Contact the insurance company, let them know about it... which may work for you or against you. The OM is not on the insurance. Of course, attempt to take possession of the car. he who maintains the costs of ownership - gets the car.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #30 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 02:20 PM
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Re: Your first and only Love

My insurance policy covers any driver I authorize to drive my car. Which is good because if they do something, my insurance is in force. If they are not authorized, my insurance is not in force.

Any owner of the vehicle can authorize someone else to drive it. I speculate OP's wife can legally authorize posom to drive the car. If he wrecks it or injures someone, the insurance would be valid and in fact protect OP. However, protection only to the limit of the insurance.

If you're making all the payments for the car, go take it back.

Your lawyer may have ways to take you off of the liability for any damages she or posom may cause with the car. Legal separation or a public announcement (e.g. published notice in the local newspaper) may create the legal firewall to protect you. Separation/announcement in my state is enough to sever financial liabilities such as new debts.

You do need to talk to a lawyer.
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