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post #1 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 11:11 PM Thread Starter
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Question Your first and only Love

I am writing this because unlike what I have been reading for the past two weeks, I didn't think it would happen to me.

I met my wife in a night club 13 years ago and we connected in a way that I can honestly only say was like the world dissolved around us. In a room of several hundred we where the only to that existed.

What followed as a very passionate relationship. See before this woman I was a virgin, I was always insecure with myself and never let go when women would show interest in me, or try to get me to do anything. It was different with this woman, I wasn't afraid anymore.

She told me she had triplets that first night, and was nervous to bring anyone new into their lives. she had come from an abusive relationship with their dad and many of the men that followed used her for their needs. I dedicated myself to be her knight in shinning armor and to protect and guide her back to the wonderful woman I knew she could be.

In the years that followed we had our ups and downs, times when we didn't like each other and times when we couldn't imagine ourselves with anyone else. I feel know that because this was my first relationship and because I felt like I was protecting her interests I lost myself in the relationship along the way. I didn't have any friends, I spent my days either at work or with her and the kids.

I thought this was how a family man should be, a provider head of the household and she a loving and dedicated wife. Well all that changed when I started spending more money than I should just to try and make her happy. You want a vacation? Sure I will make that happen, You want to redecorate the house with new furniture, I will do that too. My problem was spending money I didn't have in the believe that as long as it was on her and the kids it was justified.

I kept trying to find jobs that paid more and more money so that I could try to get out debt. Eventually we lost the rental house and had to move into my parents basement. Here we said this would be temporary, I would work hard and we would get back on our feet. She worked to but shortly after we moved in she quit her job for long periods of time. I often complained that I hated this job or that job for whatever reason and she would go back to work to help pay bills.

I eventually got a job that I liked and made good money at. I also was well over my head in debt for trips and things I had no business paying for. I kept all of this a secret to her. As time went on I started to feel resentment toward my wife and " her kids" for making me feel that I was less than a man and couldn't take care of the family needs. She felt it too and tried to stay connected, but over time the feeling became mutual. We were no longer the lovers that so intently connected that night we met.

We became more roommates with benefits and even that got to the point it wasn't enjoyable anymore. Sex became and act, nothing that had any emotional attachment. More time passed and we each tired to keep things going for the kids sake and for our own. Eventually any meaningful communication stopped other than what the kids where doing or what plans we wanted to make for the day.

Throughout our marriage she stayed loyal, because she know I was a good man and because she didn't want to hurt the family. Things looked like they might finally be ok three years ago when we took a trip to Florida and managed to reconnect a little.

Tragedy struck as she had auto immune issues in her early twenties and it struck again. This time almost killing her as it ate her liver away. She was impatient for 32 days, I stood by her side the whole time and did everything I could to be supportive. She lived but suffered permanent health issues with pain in her side and legs. We both enjoy the outdoors and even that was taken away as she couldn't walk for very long at a time.

She had to quit her job again and we had to file for bankruptcy. This was supposed to give us a clean slate and for her to try and recover from this without stress. Instead she spent more and more time in her phone isolating herself from the kids and me. I changed jobs again to find something that made even more money and we finally became stable with bills. the only problem was that I was working all the time and spent little time at home other than at night before bed.

My wife and I drank quit a bit off and on, mostly wine sometimes harder but mostly to be social with each other and to pass the time. It got to the point that I was bringing it home every night even when not asked. I didn't even notice that it was becoming a problem.

So this brings us to recent events.

Two months ago my wife asked me if she could babysit for a couple hours a day to make some extra money. I told her sure not thinking anything about it She told me he was a single dad with two kids that she knew through Facebook.

One month ago she started acting odd, not sleeping all night with me in bed, I thought it was because of her health issues and the panic attacks she gets at night while sleeping. She also got strip throat bad so I gave her space because I couldn't get sick at work.

Three weeks ago my gut told me to say something and I told her she needed to stop babysitting. She said she needed to get out of the house and it was fine.

Two weeks ago I went on a business trip and told her I would be back the next day. Whole gone she packed up her things and moved in with the guy she was babysitting for. She told the kids that night as well and gave them a choice to move in with her or to find somewhere else to live. She didn't thing I would want them anymore once she was gone. This devastated them, the wanted to stay with me, but she cried and one of them left with her.

She also told my son not to say anything till I got back and them to tell me everything. He did wait till the day I was coming back to tell me. I was shocked that this happened and that my trust was destroyed. I felt betrayed, and couldn't understand why someone that had a pretty good marriage would throw it all away.

I started reflecting on things and what lead up to this, and why. I realized that I pushed her away, took her for granted and couldn't get past my own insecurities to make her feel truly loved again. I don't feel that this relationship with the new guy will last long as she has a lot of medical issues and he is pretty poor. He also has 2 kids of his own and with her and the one child will make 5 in a cramped house.


I do not blame my wife, I do feel pain, sorrow, regret and a better understanding of my role in this. I feel that I truly love my wife and only feel it more so now that she is gone.

She is still talking to me but said that she loves me but not in love with me anymore. I asked her if we could work on things and she said she didn't think so, its been to many years. I asked with time and she said she didn't want to think about it now.

People want to place blame on the other person for the outcome that resulted. This has made me grow as a person. I have finally started to let go of my own insecurities and what has been holding me back this whole time. My wife has not made mention of a divorce, I think for fear that if this affair does not work out she will have me to fall back on.

I realize that I cannot be anyone's second choice, I am encouraging her to get a job and even created a resume for her. She has no money and the guy she is with is not helping her other than with a place to live.

My question to you, is do I continue to be the man she knew and loved and that I realize I truly am deep inside, or do I step aside and let her see if she can find happiness in a new relationship?

Sorry for the long read, but its hard to condense 13 years together.

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post #2 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 11:16 PM
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Re: Your first and only Love

She's gone. She made the decision to move in with someone else. She could have worked on your relationship.
Be there for your kids, work out, improve yourself. Don't beg & play the "Pick me" game. It will make you look pitiful in her eyes.

It will suck for a while, but look forward, not back.
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post #3 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 11:39 PM
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Cool Re: Your first and only Love

You are, and always will be the man she once idealized!

But the love story went awry as did your lifelong dreams! You were demoted to "Plan B" status as she found herself a "Plan A" to opt out for!

Let her go ~ quickly embrace "the 180" and place your priorities in taking care of your children! In time, after adequately grieving this heartbreaking loss, you will likely find a woman who will love the very core of your loving existence!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

Last edited by arbitrator; 04-11-2017 at 07:21 AM. Reason: Edification
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post #4 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 06:07 AM
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So you have two of her kids? Or do you also have a biological one as well?

She's a crappy mother to leave two 13yr olds behind.

Stop caring about her happyness... She didn't care about yours. You can't win her back with kindness.

Start 180 and divorce.
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post #5 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 06:24 AM
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Re: Your first and only Love

@bw36912 Is she blaming you for it all?

And for someone who has an autoimmune problem that has damaged her liver, her drinking alcohol is not sensible. Certainly as she is a mother of young children.

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http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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post #6 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 08:12 AM Thread Starter
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I have two of her children, I do not have off own. She cannot have anymore kids after she had the triplets by normal means.
The kids have told me that they think what she did was wrong, even the one that left for her. They said they want my happiness and that I should move on.

The kids are 16, will be 17 this year. I met them when they had just turned 4.

It seems like they are taking this breakup better than I am. I feel it might be because they at least have one parent home trying to keep a normal life for them.
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post #7 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 08:24 AM Thread Starter
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She said the day after she left that the drinking wasn't helping her auto immune issues. That she only drank because she didn't want me to drink alone.

The guy she ran off with told her to get out as soon as possible from me. So I know there is a lot projection to justify what she did. She wants to be friends and thinks that she did the best thing for both of us. That this will make things better.

As far as I can tell it made me feel insecure about myself, betrayed and confused. She seems perfectly fine with this new guy.

She has no job though and is selling a few things to try and make money. She said she would get a job but according to the daughter that left with her she hasn't even started looking.

I am afraid that I will be stuck with payments on her new car that she left eith as it is in both of our names.
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post #8 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 08:38 AM
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Cool Re: Your first and only Love

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Originally Posted by bw36912 View Post
She said the day after she left that the drinking wasn't helping her auto immune issues. That she only drank because she didn't want me to drink alone.

The guy she ran off with told her to get out as soon as possible from me. So I know there is a lot projection to justify what she did. She wants to be friends and thinks that she did the best thing for both of us. That this will make things better.

As far as I can tell it made me feel insecure about myself, betrayed and confused. She seems perfectly fine with this new guy.

She has no job though and is selling a few things to try and make money. She said she would get a job but according to the daughter that left with her she hasn't even started looking.

I am afraid that I will be stuck with payments on her new car that she left eith as it is in both of our names.
You need out of this relationship, but as long as her kids are respectful of you and treat you well, then you can always remain in a "father capacity" to them!

Regarding the car with the dual note, I'd just go ahead and pay it off and then sell it to someone, or gift it to one of the kids!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #9 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 08:48 AM
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Re: Your first and only Love

Sorry to hear about your situation. It's time to start focusing on yourself. If you want to remain as the kid's father figure, then do so. However, know you won't have any parental rights if you haven't adopted them legally so she can prevent it. But since you aren't the father you also aren't responsible for child support, so she'll probably want you to remain in their lives voluntarily to help out with them financially. That's a major negotiation advantage that you have.
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post #10 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 10:59 AM
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Re: Your first and only Love

Let her go. She is an adult, and she has made her decision. With actions come consequences, and so she shall reap whatever consequences come her way. You don't have to be a jerk to her, but you should not ride to her rescue either.

If she asks you to help her with something, carefully consider saying No. You are no longer her husband, you're just some guy she used to know. For example, she can find someone else to help with her resume. She can hire help or do things herself. You sound not only like the Knight in Shining Armor, you are the pre-emptive fixer. You fix things before the other person even knows it is broken. You should wait to be asked before you do things for people. You should also think about whether they are using you to do things for them because it is easy to get you to do it, or are they really unable to do it otherwise.

For example, fixing flat bicycle tires. This was my own "Aha!" moment. I would keep the kids' bicycles in great working order. The kids didn't really notice, and they really didn't care. But, more importantly, they didn't learn to take care of their own things. They didn't know how to fix the flat tire. And that made them less competent as humans, while putting more work on me unnecessarily.

When your stbxw needs something done, first wait until she asks you. Then, probably you should say No, both for her benefit and yours.

You sound like a Really Nice Guy. If you haven't read it yet, you should read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. R. Glover.

Another book you should read immediately is "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by M. Smith. It is far more than the title suggests, so just get the book and read it.

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post #11 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 11:04 AM
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Re: Your first and only Love

You should talk to a lawyer asap. The kids are a real complication, and you need real information about how your local laws and courts likely will look at your situation. Most lawyers will give a free 15 - 30 minute consultation where you can get your basic questions answered.

Document everything, including everything she does related to the kids. Include everything you do regarding the kids. This kind of documented information can be extremely helpful in the custody and child support issues.

The boys are old enough they won't be home too much longer, and the courts will likely defer to their wishes on where to live. But there can be some important legal and financial issues that you need legal guidance on asap.
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post #12 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 11:08 AM
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Re: Your first and only Love

Don't beat yourself up too badly. None of us are perfect, and we all make mistakes in our marriages. It is good you recognize that you contributed to the marital problems, but be sure to recognize your wife contributed to the problems.

I suggest counseling if you aren't in it yet. If you are in the USA, your employer should offer Employee Assistance Program, EAP, which is free and totally confidential counseling for exactly your kind of situation. Someone to talk to in real life who is neutral and experienced in the topic will be of great help to you.
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post #13 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 11:48 AM
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Re: Your first and only Love

Jesus, how many MORE times are you going to lay down on the floor and beg her to wipe her shoes on you?

You're so frighteningly co-dependent it isn't even funny. The woman has done nothing but take advantage of you and suck you dry financially for years. Then when she thought a better opportunity had come along, she thought it was just fine to send one last "FU" your way by packing up while you were away on business and slinking out of the house like the filthy weasel she is. And here YOU are, talking about how wonderful she is and how much you love her and you're running over there asking her to come home to you and writing resumes for her. I'd be willing to bet you're giving her money, too.

Oh - and let's not forget that Mother of the Year was so intent on doing what SHE wanted, that the selfish POS actually told her kids AFTER she'd moved out that they could either come with her to lover boy's house or find themselves somewhere else to live. Is that not just a sterling example of motherhood at it's finest, folks?

I understand that in your co-dependent frame of mind you can't see her for what she is, but I sure can. It ain't rocket science for God's sake. And the saddest part is that you're still begging her to love you and give your marriage another chance. You were even willing to settle for 'some time in the future' if she wasn't open to it right now.

And of course you'll gladly continue to pay for the new car this POS took with her when she left. And of course, you'll continue paying paying the insurance as well. You'll also continue paying it even when you find out Prince Charming is driving it all over town. The fact that these two losers are a HUGE liability to you every time they get behind the wheel won't make a difference to you. You'll still continue paying for the car hoping it pleases her. Hey, here's a question. How are you going to feel if her boyfriend has a tragic accident one night and kills someone in your car because he fell asleep at the wheel or had one too many to drink? Guess who'll get sued in the wrongful death lawsuit? That's right, you and that ingrate wife of yours. And if the family is awarded 1.6 million dollars in damages, guess whose wages will be garnished for the rest of your life after your insurance has paid their limit? That would be YOU. Guess who'll lose everything he's ever worked for? Again, that would be YOU because Miss Thang has nothing TO lose since she's too damned lazy to work. Think about what it would be like to be in debt forever and never be able to own another thing - all because of your wife's boyfriend.

Think about THAT when you're paying for that car.

Quote:
I realize that I cannot be anyone's second choice...
Actually, you don't realize that, or you wouldn't be so eager to blame YOURSELF for her **** choices and her continued utter disrespect of you. And you sure wouldn't be begging her to come back to you after she slunk out of the house behind your back rather than showing you a SHRED of respect and being honest with you. Not blaming her for her low rent actions is not 'growth' - it's co-dependency at it's finest.
Quote:
She wants to be friends and thinks that she did the best thing for both of us.
LOL. Of course she does. Opportunist that she is, she knows she can continue to use you as an ATM because apparently, Prince Charming isn't rolling in the cash. And sadly, you'll be only too happy to give it to her.

Please educate yourself on co-dependency and get some help for it.
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post #14 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 12:55 PM
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Re: Your first and only Love

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Originally Posted by bw36912 View Post
I started reflecting on things and what lead up to this, and why. I realized that I pushed her away, took her for granted and couldn't get past my own insecurities to make her feel truly loved again.........I do not blame my wife, I do feel pain, sorrow, regret and a better understanding of my role in this. I feel that I truly love my wife and only feel it more so now that she is gone.
You seriously think this??? Wow. She cheats on you and you take all the blame. Wow. Holy co dependent!!!! You are the worst case of being a doormat I think I've ever seen on here. Wow.

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She is still talking to me but said that she loves me but not in love with me anymore. I asked her if we could work on things and she said she didn't think so, its been to many years. I asked with time and she said she didn't want to think about it now.
She's replaced you. Just like that. The sooner you realize that, the better for all involved, especially your kids.

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Originally Posted by bw36912 View Post
People want to place blame on the other person for the outcome that resulted. This has made me grow as a person. I have finally started to let go of my own insecurities and what has been holding me back this whole time.
really? You see this as growing as a person??? Your wife DUMPED you FOR ANOTHER GUY and you want her to come back to you and you want to take all the blame. THINK ABOUT THAT.

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Originally Posted by bw36912 View Post
My wife has not made mention of a divorce, I think for fear that if this affair does not work out she will have me to fall back on.
So you WANT her to be your sloppy seconds. Got it.

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Originally Posted by bw36912 View Post
I realize that I cannot be anyone's second choice
No you don't. By taking all the blame, you ARE her second choice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bw36912 View Post
My question to you, is do I continue to be the man she knew and loved and that I realize I truly am deep inside, or do I step aside and let her see if she can find happiness in a new relationship?
Do you really think she deserves you? Really?? And do you really think you should 'continue to be the man' that she cheated on and dumped, because it worked so well the first time????????

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #15 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 05:45 PM
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Re: Your first and only Love

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My question to you, is do I continue to be the man she knew and loved and that I realize I truly am deep inside, or do I step aside and let her see if she can find happiness in a new relationship?
Her happiness is no longer your concern. Nothing about her is your concern other than she is a good parent to the children, or that she isn't a bad parent. Better she be absent than bad as a parent.

She has chosen this path. She has cut you out of her life. She has decided she is no longer obligated to put your needs and your well being as any concern of hers.

This is what it means when your spouse leaves you. It doesn't matter whether or not there is someone else, they are choosing to break any bonds of obligation to you.

You should be the man you are and work on becoming the man you want to be. Do it for you. Do it for your kids. Do it for your future happiness and, hopefully, so that you are able to be happy in a future relationship with a higher quality woman. Stop doing or being something in hopes of other people approving.

You really need to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy".
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