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post #16 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 09:52 AM
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Re: I'm an idiot. I lost my soul mate.

I'm going to say this out loud....(or at least type loudly!) You created so much damage I can't imagine your wife every forgiving you or being comfortable with you in her life. Yes that is critical of me to say but the next point is you need to let that "old life" go and focus on you and a new life. Learn from your mistakes, build the life you want.

I am speaking from experience. There was a period of my life where I was a very bad man, one day I realized I was embarrassed at myself and started the process to change. Anyone who knew me then finds it hard to believe the good life I have made for myself, and tryingtocope you can do the same. It all needs to start with becoming proud of yourself, learning to do the right thing even when no one is around to know.

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post #17 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:07 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm an idiot. I lost my soul mate.

You are right. It was mostly about me and I wrote it to seek some advice and perspective on how she feels. I appreciated all comments and I think I have a better understanding after reading everyones comments. We all do the best be can. I only wrote a little about her because she keeps her feelings under wraps and barely speaks to me so I really don't have any idea if how to do this. All I know is she wants to move on and I feel the right thing to do is support her in this journey and be a good friend and dad.

thank you.
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post #18 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:08 AM
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Re: I'm an idiot. I lost my soul mate.

You need to learn to accept and deal with the fact that you screwed this up big time. Give her the divorce, and continue with your counseling, learn to be a better man, for yourself and for any future partners you may have.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #19 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:14 AM
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Re: I'm an idiot. I lost my soul mate.

Don't even try to be her friend. The good dad part, you're spot on about.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #20 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:21 AM
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Re: I'm an idiot. I lost my soul mate.

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Originally Posted by tryingtocopedad View Post
I am 43 and my wife is 41. We have been together for 20 years and married for 14 with three fantastic kids. We have had ups and downs over the years and some very bad times. She is very moody and keeps her feelings bottled up, I lack communication skills and tend to ignore things until they blow up. During the years I coped with the stress and my own perceived failure by coping with alcohol and prescription drugs. I ended up doing two years in prison and during that time my wife discovered an affair I had 10 years ago during a very difficult time for us. I worked with the woman and she had me bent over the barrel so to speak. I paid her stupid amounts of money to not tell my wife and to go away. This went on for years...the money not the affair. Finally I cut off the supply and went on with my life and my wife and I had our third child. Things weren't perfect but I was happy and we were doing ok. Then I went to prison and my world went to hell. She found out about my affair and decided she wanted to divorce. She filed twice while I was gone only to withdraw them when I begged her not to do it. She is very angry, bitter, and HURT. She told me again yesterday that she wants to date and go on with her life and can't stand me around. It was devastating, soul crushingly painful. The thought of my wife being with someone else is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. For the first time I think I understand how she felt at my betrayal. I want to vomit. As I sit in my office I simply can't function. I spent my two years away bettering myself, I lost 100 pounds got into shape, took self help, gave up drinking and pills. I know I can be the man she deserves.

Our mutual friends tell me to ride it out and stay strong. Just "focus on the kids" is what they tell me. "She's pissed but she'll come around" is what one told me who knows her well. I don't think so. I'm focusing on the kids and they are my priority but the pain makes me upset and I have a hard time showing a brave face. She barely communicates with me and that adds tension which the kids pick up on. I'm trying to be supportive and respectful (I don't go into the bathroom when she's changing or showering and I don't try to be sexual with her) I sleep at my moms house until July when my parole is up. I know that if I truly love her and I want her to be happy then I need to support her on this journey and hope that she finds happiness with our without me. But it is so hard. She is my world and I didn't realize it until I screwed it up. What can I do? Is there hope? I pray everyday for reconciliation.

I've been seeing a counselor through the church and she was nice but brutal. My wife did not attend. She is "done". She's had two years to adapt and move on and I spent two years believing I could earn her back. How do I earn her trust back? Does anyone know?

I don't want to lose her but I want her to be happy. So confused.


You were not an idiot. Idiots know how to remain loyal. You were selfish - and you are continuing to be selfish.

You claim to be the man she deserves, but the man she deserves did not cheat on her. The man she deserves hadn't lied to her in the past. The man she deserves would not have given her money away just to keep his secret. The man she deserves did not go to prison for his illegal activities and force her to raise three children on her own. The man she deserves did not cause her the embarrassment of suddenly realizing that the last 10 years of her life was her living a lie.

Your selfishness continues to show in your post being mostly about you and your struggle. You gave up the right to be heartbroken thinking of your wife being with another man when you made the choice to be with another woman. It really is that simple. You just screwed up way too many times, and should have no expectation of getting her back, yet you are posting here on this site, looking for ideas to do just that.

You need to stop being selfish. You need to be there for your kids. Their lives are in a state of chaos right now, whether you realize it or not. Be a supportive part of their lives. Show them you love them everyday and that daddy will never go away for 2 years like he did before. Do as well at your job as possible to save for your and your kids' futures. And NEVER let on for a second that the current state of their lives is either their fault or their mother's fault. If your wife decides to come back to you, consider yourself lucky, but the time of you having the right to pursue her is over.

I'm sorry if my response seems harsh, but this is your situation. Live your life as a good and responsible person going forward. Actions speak much louder than words. Best of luck to you, your wife, and your children.
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post #21 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:23 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm an idiot. I lost my soul mate.

Thank you to everyone who responded with your advice and comments. They certainly give me perspective. A woman's view is always appreciated as I am a complete moron when it comes to communication and understanding women's feelings and hints and even direct comments. Yes I am that dense when it comes to women.

What I take away from your posts and, what I feel inside is I need to support her and be a good friend, be the best dad I can be, and be a good person. The first is the hardest but I'm committed to doing that, she deserves to be happy and I owe her that. I can only pray that one day things will change between us, but not make that my motivation.

I hope one day I can earn her trust and love back. I guess the hardest thing now is how do you co-parent and make the kids feel secure, loved, and that things are ok? My youngest daughter is her mother's clone and is especially affected by our situation and is quite nasty to me. Any advice? I don't know how to reach her. My wife is supportive of my efforts and tries to talk with her but she is a very strong headed 7 year old.
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post #22 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm an idiot. I lost my soul mate.

Part of self-help is making amends to those you have hurt. I don't know how to do that with her or the kids. They were alone for 2 years and suffered. How do you make up for that? What do they need from me? Other than letting her "go" how can I be a good partner to her?
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post #23 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 11:43 AM
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Re: I'm an idiot. I lost my soul mate.

You'll likely have to demonstrate to your daughter, over an indeterminate amount of time, that you are there for her and can be a supportive father. You may never gain her full trust, as she may always be more "loyal" to her mother (for good reason, she has learned by your actions toward her mother what NOT to accept in a man) but you should do your best to try, and only give up if she point blank asks you to stay out of her life.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #24 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 12:29 PM
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Re: I'm an idiot. I lost my soul mate.

I may be able to give you some hope for redemption.

My FIL did affairs and spent a butt load of money that was embezzled. He tried to commit suicide before his embezzlement was revealed. He was arrested and He went to prison for 2 years. A slap on the wrist for all he did illegally. He came clean to his wife when he could do so to not put her in a legal bind herself. (He tired to have her be able to plead ignorance for as long as possible so she did not get charged herself.)

he financially stole from a widely know and prominent organization and to the tune of 900,000$ OVER 7 years so it was imperative he protect his wife that he betrayed so bad. It was not until he was sentenced that the biggest confessions came. He admitted a bunch of things. Like strip clubs, faid for sex, prostitution, alcoholism, etc. I am sure there are more grimy details, but they are none of my nevermind.

In the end we opened our home to him when he was released from prison. He lived here about 9 weeks? I am not sure. But he had to move here because his Betrayed wife did not want him near her. In the end i think she was jealous that he had so much one on one time with the grand kids, (my boys) that she started coming up, and then He would suggest driving them down and staying on his daughters couch down there for the weekend to have dual time with the grand kids.

What My FIL did was accept what she wanted. He went on with his life trying to better himself. Trying to be a good man. He was helpful and offered a lot to the people in his life who he loved. He served everyone, NOT like a slave, but like...finally his focus was right and good. She picked up on it and soon they were trying a few dates... then Stay the weekend, then the talk came about that he should move down there and get his job there to help her make ends meet.

Now? They are almost a year since he came out of prison. and three years from the discovery of the double life.

He is happy enough i think. I know the job and work effects him. The loss of long term friends has also hit him hard. But he threw himeslf into his family. And I am sure his life is not really how he wanted, but from my perspective, he found redemption.

I hope you do too.

(Edit to add) while FIL was in prison my MIL did not hide the fact she was dating and sleeping with a coworker. She was with him up till around the time he was released from prison.

You might need to grow to accept this may be what your wife needs to do. She needs something you simply cannot give her. She wont allow it right now. Maybe she needs another relationship and see how that is before she ever entertains another chance for you.

Last edited by threelittlestars; 04-12-2017 at 12:35 PM.
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post #25 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 12:38 PM
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Re: I'm an idiot. I lost my soul mate.

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
No such thing as soul mates. That's emotional thinking.

There ARE other women that you can love just as much as your wife.

However, until you let your wife go and accept she is gone, you cannot move on and let another woman in your heart.

I know you are hurting. I know you go to sleep and wake up thinking about how you can fix this.
You can't. You can't make someone love you. Your wife leaving is not the end of the world. It's the end of one chapter in your life. You have got to muster the strength to start writing a new chapter. It is up to you. And it can be just as good as you make it.

You aren't alone. There are millions of people that have had this happen to them. It did to me.
Just like me, you can get through this. Is it going to hurt? Yes.
Is it going to seem like more than you can handle? Yes
Is it going to get better? Slowly.

When will it become bearable? When you ACCEPT that you can't change this, and you can still be happy. Then you will get better every day.

I wish you luck. Sadly, I can see how badly you want to hang on to her. And the longer you do, the longer you will be in extreme pain.

My hope is that you choose to let her go, and choose to start your life over. You can. The best days can be ahead if you jus give it some time.
You lost me at No such thing as soulmates😑🙁

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post #26 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 12:39 PM
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Re: I'm an idiot. I lost my soul mate.

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Hi @tryingtocopedad

Thanks for your post and your honesty.

Can I firstly congratulate you on making the progress you have - in terms of losing weight, cutting out the drinking/pills and then taking self help. It's a really important part of your journey and it's fantastic to hear that you've done that.

Now in terms of your situation, it's not easy at all because primarily you've lost your wife's trust which can be extremely difficult to get back. However, I genuinely believe it's possible but it will take time and you need to be prepared for all the ups and downs of the journey.

It's purely a case of being there for her (and your kids) at a level that she's never seen before. What you're doing is great in terms of the changes that you've made but you have to demonstrate to her on many levels that you are prepared to do whatever it takes to win her trust back. This means weathering the 'storm' when she gets angry at you and maintaining your composure despite whatever 'bullets' are fired at you. You need to find ways to ensure that she doesn't think your changes are just a one off thing before you end up with someone else. She needs to know in her heart that you are there for the long haul which means you need to serve again and again and again.

As I said, this isn't easy and it will take time to build that trust but as long as you are committed for the long haul and there is a part of her that still loves you, there is always a chance. I say that because I have seen it happen before a number of times so maybe that's why I have faith in restoring these relationships. Obviously there are a number of details within your relationship that I have no idea about but if you genuinely feel that she is your soulmate and you are prepared to stick it out long term, then I do feel it's possible.

Hope that makes sense.

Any questions, please let me know.

Thanks
Sri
Best one

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post #27 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 01:54 PM
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Re: I'm an idiot. I lost my soul mate.

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Originally Posted by tryingtocopedad View Post
Thank you to everyone who responded with your advice and comments. They certainly give me perspective. A woman's view is always appreciated as I am a complete moron when it comes to communication and understanding women's feelings and hints and even direct comments. Yes I am that dense when it comes to women.

What I take away from your posts and, what I feel inside is I need to support her and be a good friend, be the best dad I can be, and be a good person. The first is the hardest but I'm committed to doing that, she deserves to be happy and I owe her that. I can only pray that one day things will change between us, but not make that my motivation.

I hope one day I can earn her trust and love back. I guess the hardest thing now is how do you co-parent and make the kids feel secure, loved, and that things are ok? My youngest daughter is her mother's clone and is especially affected by our situation and is quite nasty to me. Any advice? I don't know how to reach her. My wife is supportive of my efforts and tries to talk with her but she is a very strong headed 7 year old.
Trust is based on consistency of actions. The thing about your children is they want to love you, they want a dad in their life, they want and need a rock. It will take time and patients but you can earn their love again, but you need to be a consistent and POSITIVE presence in their life.
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post #28 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:13 PM
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Re: I'm an idiot. I lost my soul mate.

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
No such thing as soul mates. That's emotional thinking.
Ahhh, my loyal man!

A man can dream. Of Soul Mates. not sole mats as Thee.

A man can die dreaming.

There is always Hope.

Without Hope there is only that downward leaning depression, a hole that we can only, face-fall into.

Today, your Hope is stronger than mine. A "like" to you was given by said Faith.

Today, I fear....no respite or "like" in store or in stock for me.

Your post, you see, was index-finger stroked by a person owning Hope. Your "like" for you was given, her eye has winked.

She likes the hurt and the burned that cannot rest.......... here on TAM.

She feels a kinship. Another hurt soul to share her bitter tears.

And none feel kinship to a Red Hound who loves without fail.

She remains wounded, as do you. She is @Hope1964

And you Sir, are @Evinrude58, Ever kind, Not-Even-Rude.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #29 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 11:08 PM
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Re: I'm an idiot. I lost my soul mate.

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
Ahhh, my loyal man!

A man can dream. Of Soul Mates. not sole mats as Thee.

A man can die dreaming.

There is always Hope.

Without Hope there is only that downward leaning depression, a hole that we can only, face-fall into.

Today, your Hope is stronger than mine. A "like" to you was given by said Faith.

Today, I fear....no respite or "like" in store or in stock for me.

Your post, you see, was index-finger stroked by a person owning Hope. Your "like" for you was given, her eye has winked.

She likes the hurt and the burned that cannot rest.......... here on TAM.

She feels a kinship. Another hurt soul to share her bitter tears.

And none feel kinship to a Red Hound who loves without fail.

She remains wounded, as do you. She is @Hope1964

And you Sir, are @Evinrude58, Ever kind, Not-Even-Rude.


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