I love my wife so much but
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Old 01-04-2012, 02:59 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I love my wife so much but

Hi ,I just need someone to tell me why. We have been married 27 years now and I am still so much in love with my wife but she just does not want me near her.She has been suffering depression for a few years now and Im not sure if that is what is causing the problem or if it's me.We still sleep in the same bed but she tries to sleep as far away as possible,only had sex twice in the past 12 months with a 12 month break inbetween.She goes off to bed early so we kind of watch tv in different rooms. She is the world to me and I can't understand why I am being rejected.She assures me that there is no one else and I do believe her but sometimes my head tells me different.When I ask her what is wrong she says she does not know.Is it me? Don't know.What can I do?Don't know.I love her and can't live without her but it hurts so much being rejected by the one I love.To sleep with someone who is your world but you are unable to touch them is so hard to live with.
I don't know what I want out of this forum,maybe just someone to talk to.My best mate who I used to pour my heart out to died last year so I'm kind of lost and feel very much alone.
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Old 01-04-2012, 03:54 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife so much but

Feel free to come here. You dont give too much information about youreself your wife your kids etc. How long this is going on for. How was it before. I would suggest separate beds for a start. In other words give her some space. You cant carry on like that you are ruining your life and you have to be prepared for change. You must have some idea whats wrong. It must have started somehow. What are your finances like if you separate or divorce. You have to start thinking of that. Its no use loving a person whom you cant have sex with. Youre not alone here, you have many suffering the same problem, men and women. Are you both working. If you look at other threads you will see the information usually one needs to give.
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Old 01-04-2012, 04:16 AM   #3 (permalink)
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A bit of background. We have been married for 27 years and have 3 grown up children.We both work ,me I work away quite a bit and have done so for 23 years working overseas a month at a time and a month home.We live in a biggish house that needs a lot of work done to it but work has been scarce the last 3 years so money all run out and nothing to spare to finish the renovations.Money is playing a big part in the stress levels especially with my wife.I now have a more perminent job away again and think it may be time to sell up and move into something smaller.Hopefully the money cituation will help. I know she needs soace but Im away for 28 days surely thats enough space. I can be very aggresive but would never hurt any of my family and have taken steps to curb my anger by seeing a specialist.All this on top of loosing her father has driven her to the depths of dispare.To see her in this state of depression really hurts. I just wish I could bring the smile back to her face.
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Old 01-04-2012, 04:26 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife so much but

What do you children say being grown up they must have something to say. Do they still live at home. Or is your wife all alone without you. You perhaps never read my post properly but you dont say why this started or how long. Its unlikely to be because of anyone like her father but because of you. Why dont you sell the large house and move into something smaller. A change of scenery can help. You havent at all mentioned what her excuses are.
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Old 01-04-2012, 04:46 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife so much but

Two of our kids still stay at home and another is away.The youngest also has depression and sometimes helps but other times it's as if she is trying to drive a wedge between me and her mother.We have lived in this house for 15 years and it will be hard to leave but I think you are correct in saying it's time to move to something smaller.Things have been good and bad with us for years not any different from any other marrage. This cituation got worse with the depression that started with her loosing her father.When I ask her what is wrong I usually get " I don't know".I asked her if she misses sex and she doesn't.I have put on a lot of weight over the last couple of years and kind of let myself go so maybe time to shake off the weight and get back into shape.I get worse withy age but she just blossoms.
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Old 01-04-2012, 06:13 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife so much but

Thanks
Would she mind if you left or got divorced. I dont believe in staying in a sexless marriage just for the older kids.
If you dont think she will change. You have to do something.
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Old 01-04-2012, 06:43 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife so much but

Reconnect with your wife. You both are emotionally/physically disconnected at this moment. Find out what her needs are, affection, communication, help around the house, maybe take her out, buy her flowers, ect.. You guys are living as roommates, but I think most marriages go through this at one point or another. We did and I woke up and realized my hubby has always met and was meeting my needs and I wasn't meeting his. My husband is always so kind and does everything for me! It was time I repay him. Now we are reconnected and life is good! We spend time every night snuggling with each other, holding hands, talking. He actively listens to me when I talk to him, looks me in the eyes and responds at the right time. I wish my hubby would of talked to me instead of me trying to figure out why we were living as roommates for a while. He would go downstairs on his computer while I stayed upstairs on my iPod touch. That has all changed now. The sex is fabulous now too! However, my drive kicked in and that seems to help.

Find out how to reconnect. Do nice things for her without her asking. There is always marriage counseling too. Your wife has no idea how important sex and affection are to you unless you tell her. Communication is so important. However, your wife may have gone through menopause. I've not reached that point, but I've read once it hits, your libido goes down the drain. I'm not looking forward to those years.

Good luck! You may need marriage counseling to figure out how to reconnect with your wife. She may not even realize what is going on and how you feel. You might want to have a gentle talk with her about your needs, maybe you both can meet in the middle somewhere.
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Old 01-04-2012, 07:08 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife so much but

Get the book "His Needs Her Needs" this shows couples how to reconnect.

Is she being treated for depression?
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Old 01-04-2012, 09:31 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife so much but

Get your health back! Losing the weight will make you more attractive and will help your state of mind too.
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Old 01-04-2012, 09:46 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife so much but

Thanks for the replies they have helped no end.Computer and not listening thats me and has been for some time.Weight loss is deffo on the cards.I'minlovewithmyhubby and ImSoMuchInLoveWithMyWife and it's time I took charge and got off my a*se and do something for us both.
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Old 01-04-2012, 09:59 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife so much but

Dont worry buddy you can share here, i know its very hard for you at this time time but have you tried to talk to her about the things going on or is there something in her mind? Don't hesitate and be positive to all things
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Old 01-04-2012, 05:40 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife so much but

The good news is there is a lot you can do to improve your life and that of your family. I think you already know what they are - getting in shape, losing weight, selling the house. A couple of other things that have been suggested like reading books to get a handle on how relationships work.

You mentioned two other things, a history of aggression and working away. There is not much you can do about the job situation given this economy but the agression, how have you resolved that. Are you certain that your wife does not harbor any residual resentment?

When you are home try to spend as much time together as possible. Do things together and relax close together. Let her get used to your casual touches periodically during the day. Touch her hand briefly, guide her by touching her waist when you are walking with her etc. best of luck.
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Old 01-04-2012, 06:41 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife so much but

Good advice so far.

No one's mentioned it so I will, how do you know your wife isn't involved in an EA or PA? Don't just take her word for it, no cheater will just admit to it. Have you done any snooping?

Is she using her computer or phone alot? Protective of it? Going out with friends? Have you checked her phone records for excessive calls or texts? Her Facebook/email account for messages?

It's one thing to feel distanced from your spouse, that's the sign something isn't right. When she actively tries to distance herself, that is when I'd get really worried.

My wife fell into depression after her father died. She was really sad (more than usual) for almost a year. Me being an idiot thought it would just go away on its own. The depression was the catalyst for her to start an EA on facebook/text and that lead to her having a PA a month later. At that point, she wouldn't let me touch her, and started hiding her body from me.

Not saying your wife is cheating, but extended depression is a good way to start. If your wife isn't cheating now, she is definitely in the place that leads to it. All it takes is someone to show interest in her, make her feel alive again, and she's going to be addicted to it.
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Old 01-04-2012, 09:44 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Wink Re: I love my wife so much but

Got to try to lose the weight. I would try to lose 20 pounds, work out at a gym, and then turn her down for the next month as a matter of principle.

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Originally Posted by don'tknow View Post
Two of our kids still stay at home and another is away.The youngest also has depression and sometimes helps but other times it's as if she is trying to drive a wedge between me and her mother.We have lived in this house for 15 years and it will be hard to leave but I think you are correct in saying it's time to move to something smaller.Things have been good and bad with us for years not any different from any other marrage. This cituation got worse with the depression that started with her loosing her father.When I ask her what is wrong I usually get " I don't know".I asked her if she misses sex and she doesn't.I have put on a lot of weight over the last couple of years and kind of let myself go so maybe time to shake off the weight and get back into shape.I get worse withy age but she just blossoms.
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Old 01-05-2012, 04:26 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife so much but

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Good advice so far.

No one's mentioned it so I will, how do you know your wife isn't involved in an EA or PA? Don't just take her word for it, no cheater will just admit to it. Have you done any snooping?

Is she using her computer or phone alot? Protective of it? Going out with friends? Have you checked her phone records for excessive calls or texts? Her Facebook/email account for messages?

It's one thing to feel distanced from your spouse, that's the sign something isn't right. When she actively tries to distance herself, that is when I'd get really worried.

My wife fell into depression after her father died. She was really sad (more than usual) for almost a year. Me being an idiot thought it would just go away on its own. The depression was the catalyst for her to start an EA on facebook/text and that lead to her having a PA a month later. At that point, she wouldn't let me touch her, and started hiding her body from me.

Not saying your wife is cheating, but extended depression is a good way to start. If your wife isn't cheating now, she is definitely in the place that leads to it. All it takes is someone to show interest in her, make her feel alive again, and she's going to be addicted to it.
I see where your coming from COguy but I doubt this is the case.I am very well known in my area and anyone who wants an afair with my wife has to think first is it worth the hassle as I do have quite a rep.Snooping is something I'll try just to set my mind at rest.my wife does not have much time to conduct a PA or EA as she works and when not at work she is home.Sometimes she visits friends but not often.As for what am I doing regards my aggression I have been seeing a specialist and things are much better as I kind of stay clear of trouble.Back to the PA thing.She does not like me touching her at all let alone hold her hand and yes she never is undressed in my presence.I hope the main factor is money and living in this house so I will have to try and get the place sorted and maybe on the market.The only thing is she will not move into a smaller place with me as she does need her own space.One other factor is my 20 year old daughter who seems to play up and cause all sorts of trouble with me when she sees things are bad with us.Last night she had a tantrum ,started her usual shouting at me and throwing things.My wife was in tears and in a bad way the rest of the night.I just wanted to cuddle her but that just would repulse her.I just had to go sit in the kitchen away from my daughter just to keep the peace.Oh and of course when I am away my daughter is just the perfect angel.
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