Post Marriage Depression? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 01:43 PM Thread Starter
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Post Marriage Depression?

Hi I have been tearing my hair out for a few months now over my new marriage. I got married in September last year and I am have been feeling depressed and empty since then. I have no interest in sex with my wife and I generally feel like a carer.

To give you some background, I have been with my now wife for over 5 years now and married for just over 6 months. I am a sociable outgoing person and my wife was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis a couple of years ago. SInce then I feel like I am the only person that does anything around the house, I do the cooking, washing, cleaning up and she sits on the sofa doins sod all. I feel I may be beginning to resent her and feel trapped and unhappy because I don't want to just be a care giver.

I have a full on job, and have to come home, cook and clean and eventually get to sit down late in the evening. I have suffered from back issues in the past which resulted in major surgery and also suffer from depression and anxiety. I just don't feel happy and have zero interest in sex with my wife. She is starting to get worried as we don't do it very often at all but I just don't feel an attraction to her anymore.

Is there something that I can do? I have thought about counselling but I worry that they will just tell me I should split up with her and don't want to upset her, her family and my family and I feel like a total failure at the moment.

I love my wife but I am beginning to wonder if it is more as a friend/companion rather than a wife and lover

Any suggestions?

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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 02:41 PM
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Re: Post Marriage Depression?

@Anonymous1981, what is her response when you tell her you feel more like a caregiver than a husband?

And why are you choosing to do the majority of the chores around the house?
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:07 PM
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Re: Post Marriage Depression?

I would talk to her and bring up your concerns. I'm not sure about her condition, but I would think that there are things she could do, health practitioner/med-wise that would help to ease her pain. Is she doing anything about it? It sounds to me like she has a good thing going. There's no reason why you should have to do all of the housework, etc.
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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:20 PM
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Re: Post Marriage Depression?

From your post, your wife's condition and how it has affected the division of household labor do not seem like recent developments. Have you really been resenting her over chores for years? Have you lost attraction to her mid-way through your relationship, due to weight gain or something else? Did you get married under these circumstances, and if so, why?
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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:55 PM
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Re: Post Marriage Depression?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anonymous1981 View Post
I have a full on job, and have to come home, cook and clean and eventually get to sit down late in the evening.
Welcome to the world of most women who also have full time jobs. Ain't so much fun, is it? Now add on having to take care of a couple of screaming kids WHILE you're doing all those chores, and maybe we'll talk.

I wasn't aware that RA was supposedly such a debilitating affliction that all a sufferer can do is sit on the couch 24/7. It doesn't sound right. If she can sit on the couch all day, surely she can sit at a desk all day at an office, right?
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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 05:26 PM
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Re: Post Marriage Depression?

If you were single you'd be coming home and doing those same chores after work, so a lot of the work is not unique to her medical condition. If the work is that much of an issue you can hire a housecleaner and buy pre-cooked/oven ready meals, so you have time to do some things you enjoy instead of having your life be all work. But you might want to see a counselor about your depression and consider getting on meds for it.
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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 05:43 PM
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Re: Post Marriage Depression?

RA is a terrible disease so I feel bad for her. However, you knew she had RA so what did you expect?

Does she work? How old are you guys? Any kids? Future kids?

You married a women with a chronic illness with no cure. I don't understand your thought process and your surprise. You don't have to be a caregiver. She can at least clean up after herself but she will be battling chronic pain and other issues associated with RA. This is your life forever if you choose to stay married to her. But you need to decide now, be 100% in the marriage with all the issues and responsibilities it will have or get out asap and let her find someone new.
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 06:05 PM
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Re: Post Marriage Depression?

You need to talk to her about how you are feeling. Are you able to hire someone to come clean a couple days a week?



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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 06:13 PM
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Re: Post Marriage Depression?

Is she getting treatment for her RA? Have you considered research/talking to her about other therapies tha could help? I've read that going off gluten can help with inflammation and manage pain in those with RA. And, non-psychoactive CBD oil (cannabis) can help manage pain in some diagnosed with RA.

I agree, you need to communicate with her about how you're feeling. I wasn't aware of the physical limitations of RA either, as my MIL has the condition and she cooks and cleans, though her husband is a huge help too.
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 12:06 PM
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Re: Post Marriage Depression?

Good idea! The one thing I would make sure of though, is that your wife pays for the cleaner. It is her, afterall, who refuses to help out, so it's only right for the costs of help for you comes out of her account. That way, she's at least contributing something.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bananapeel View Post
If you were single you'd be coming home and doing those same chores after work, so a lot of the work is not unique to her medical condition. If the work is that much of an issue you can hire a housecleaner and buy pre-cooked/oven ready meals, so you have time to do some things you enjoy instead of having your life be all work. But you might want to see a counselor about your depression and consider getting on meds for it.


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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 12:12 PM
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Re: Post Marriage Depression?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anonymous1981 View Post
Hi I have been tearing my hair out for a few months now over my new marriage. I got married in September last year and I am have been feeling depressed and empty since then. I have no interest in sex with my wife and I generally feel like a carer.

To give you some background, I have been with my now wife for over 5 years now and married for just over 6 months. I am a sociable outgoing person and my wife was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis a couple of years ago. SInce then I feel like I am the only person that does anything around the house, I do the cooking, washing, cleaning up and she sits on the sofa doins sod all. I feel I may be beginning to resent her and feel trapped and unhappy because I don't want to just be a care giver.

I have a full on job, and have to come home, cook and clean and eventually get to sit down late in the evening. I have suffered from back issues in the past which resulted in major surgery and also suffer from depression and anxiety. I just don't feel happy and have zero interest in sex with my wife. She is starting to get worried as we don't do it very often at all but I just don't feel an attraction to her anymore.

Is there something that I can do? I have thought about counselling but I worry that they will just tell me I should split up with her and don't want to upset her, her family and my family and I feel like a total failure at the moment.

I love my wife but I am beginning to wonder if it is more as a friend/companion rather than a wife and lover

Any suggestions?
Yes, advise your W she needs to do more around the house. Understand that older people get arthritis and still do things around the house. It is not a free ride ticket to the couch.

Second, start dating your W again. The marriage getting stale is on both of you. Always continue to date your W.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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