General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I have been married for 8 years, but have been with my husband for 10 years total. I am unhappy and can't figure out why. He is a great guy, great father to our 2 children (ages 6 & 4). My whole family loves him and thinks he is just soooo wonderful. Our sex life is not at all great and we have discussed this together. A little background of us goes.... we were both in a group of friends when we first met, everyone else was in a relationship except us, so we got together. We had some issues in our dating years and we almost broke up, but decided to work it out. We have never really had the same friends, so that makes it hard to hang out. I have never lived alone, and being alone quite terrifies me. Since I moved out at 18, i have always lived with someone else. I am thinking of seperating, but am also afraid that both our families will dislike me for this. I need some advice and help.
Ok I know this is a little cliche, but I recently have started to question my feelings for another. He is a really great friend to me and has suported me through a lot. He has the same feeligs, but does not want to be the reason for me ending a marriage. Now, I have been unhappy for longer than I have known this person. My husband is the night in shining armor that every girl wishes for, but now that I have it, I don't know if it is for me...to be the princess. And as far as the sex life, I guess it can be fixed, but who is to say that fixing it will fix everything? Plus, when we try to "spice things up", I get very nervous and uncomfortable around my husband. With these things being said, 1. if I love my husband, why should I have feelings for someone else, and 2. I should not be uncomfortable with my husband when we r in bed.
Having feelings for another man is likely clouding how you feel about your husband....you are focused on the negative in him to justify moving on to something more 'exciting' .... but in reality, you will likely feel the same about the new guy after time goes on ... I say this because rather than trying to improve what you have determined are issues within your marriage, you are thinking of walking away ... I am not sure if being nervous in the bedroom has much to do with your husband as it does with you being able to feel more comfortable in the bedroom?
I am not having an affair. And I don't know why I am uncomfortable around my husband, it could be because i am not comfortable with myself..aka body image. I have felt uncomfortable in the bedroom ever since we had the kids. I think it is a body image thing, and I am also afraid to embarass myself with a sound, or noise or face, etc.... We are going to go to the doctor this week to see if there is anything he can do to help with his "short cummings". We are going to try to fix this problem we r having.
You ARE having an emotional affair whether you want to think so or not. You are thinking in inappropriate ways for a married woman. This man IS clouding your thinking. If you can get totally rid of him for 6 months (the other man) WITH NO CONTACT AT ALL, see how your views of your husband change. If you leave your husband now, no matter what way you spin it, the other man is the starting of the reason you are doing this. Cant approve at all.
It sounds to me your H is somehow 'scaring' you.
Does he say anything if you do something 'wrong'. Why do you call it 'his' short comings they sound like yours.
It is surprisingly not that uncommon for a wife of around 10 years with a great husband, kids, and no real problems to speak of, to suddenly feel "unhappy and not know why". It is also sadly not that uncommon for a wife with these feeling to seek "understanding" or "support" from a male "friend".
Your friendship with this man is increasing your "unhappiness" in your marriage. How he "understands and supports" you when you tell him how you feel about your husband and your terribly boring and unhappy life in general.
Yes, you are in an emotional affair. As long as it continues nothing will be "fixed" in your marriage because there is always a third person involved.
You are at the crossroads. 1. Continue with the OM and eventually divorce only to realize years latter that you made a stupid mistake. 2. Cut off all contact with OM totally and work on your marriage.
By the way. My wife gave me the "I'm not happy and don't know why" speech around year #15 or our marriage. We worked through it. Have now been happily married for almost 40 years.
Ok, I know understanf the EA part and I said his "short comings" because that's just it...it is no longer than 15 min. Maybe 1-2 times has it ever been longer than that. I have never had the big "O" with him or anyone before him and that terrifies me. That is why he is going to the doctor to see if that can be helped in any way. As for the OM....I told him everything, because like it or not he is my best friend. But we have decided to stop talking to each other so that I can work on my marriage and see if it can be fixed. It pains me a lot to loose my bff, but I guess I have to in order to see if leaving is the right thing for ME. I am glad to see that others have had this similar talk of unhappiness. But ultimately in the end I NEED TO BE HAPPY, and if that is with my husband, than great, and if not that I have to believe that is what is meant to be. Right??
I have never had the big "O" with him or anyone before him and that terrifies me.
So you dont even know for sure what to expect only what you read and that 'terrifies' you. Why should it. Do you think you are 'less' woman because of it.
Perhaps some woman poster here can reassure you.
It does not take much time to have an Emotional Affair and create a bad marriage. Continue on it you want to destroy your marriage. There are too many of us here that know all about having our spouses justify these relationships right into divorce.
wow, i thought this was a place to seek advice not get ground into the ground. And accept...i do feel like less of a woman because of it. I feel like there is something wrong with me because of it, and feels like it is all his fault...maybe i am to blame for our bedroom problems
Since youre not sure who is to blame. Or even if there is anything to be blamed about. Youre doing the right thing by asking the doctor. Please dont get me wrong. I am not trying to 'ground' you. Just to understand your problem. Now you have made it very clear to us.
I am sure we will all be interested to know what the doctor comes up with.
Scared and confused 
