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post #16 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 11:55 AM
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Re: Need an outside opinion on possible red flags

Originally Posted by Bibi1031 View Post

Can you love her enough to realize you will always need to try to convince her that she is safe with you? You know her love is real and she does come around but you have to let her know when she messes up. It takes her a while, but you do get to convince her. Is is probably going to happen often. She is very guarded. I tend to believe that more than the selfish thing.

What is her relationship background? her childhood story?

I do not believe she is selfish. She is extremely guarded.

I am so much like her.

I was married for 15 years. Changed my last name, merged finances, etc etc etc. The ex broke my spirituality. At the end of 15 years I had nothing but my broken soul.
I will never put myself in that position. I was in love last year, broke things off. I feel I am in love now, but I will NOT ever merge finances or change my name again. I am still hurting. I am not healed.
Is your fiancée healed? Talk to her, bring up your issues, listen to her. In the end, it is up to you whether you want to invest so much in someone who is not healed or move on.

I say Left, but mean Purple
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post #17 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 12:04 PM
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Re: Need an outside opinion on possible red flags

Finances -- I'd be suspicious, just as you are, but if it was simply about getting married to feel secure enough to merge finances, that's understandable.

Family -- I'd have a problem with this, if my H wouldn't let my family (or my friends for that matter) stay at our place. This would be a big red flag for me.

Surname -- More and more women are opting to just keep their maiden names. Both my and H's surnanes are fairly long, but I was determined to hyphenate, which I started doing. During this time though, we were fighting constantly about everything, and I didn't feel like a part of a team; we were 2 separate people with 2 separate agendas. So, I switched my name back on everything, and now I just go by my maiden name. I know some people who say that you HAVE to have the same surname to be a team, but I disagree. It takes a helluva lot more than a name to work as a team!
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post #18 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 12:46 PM
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Re: Need an outside opinion on possible red flags

She sounds selfish and entitled. If things are bad now, when you're both on best behavior, what's it going to be like in a few years--or when some poop hits the fan with jobs, finances or illness. I agree with other posters....she's not marriage material. With all the fighting, perhaps an MMA opponent, but not a respecting, loving wife in the long term.
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post #19 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 02:55 PM
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Re: Need an outside opinion on possible red flags

I just ended my engagement because of his selfish behavior. I felt he didn't truly love me because he wouldn't even consider my feelings in 95+% of our life situations. It was usually his way or the highway. He confirmed it all after we broke up, telling me he really only liked me as a friend and getting into a new relationship FOUR DAYS after we split. Listen to your gut on this one.

"Always man needs woman for his friend. He needs her clearer vision, her subtler insight, her softer thought, her winged soul, her pure and tender heart. Always woman needs man to be her friend. She needs the vigor of his purpose, the ardor of his will, his calmer judgment, his braver force of action, his reverence and his devotion." ~Mary C. Adams
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