Need an outside opinion on possible red flags
Background: I am 33 year old male and my now fiance is 33 as well. This will be my second marriage and this will be my fiance's first marriage. We each have a child from a previous relationship.
Essentially I am looking for an outside opinion on my relationship going on 4 years. I have concerns and things that my fiance does that rubs me the wrong way and doesn't make me feel secure. We all have faults and I feel that her's is selfishness. I feel that my fault is planning for the worst and sometimes I worry that I am reading too far into things. This is where I need your guys' help.
I will give some bullet points of things that stick out to me that make me question if my fiance truly loves me, gets me, and is going to be there through thick and thin and not just now when things are good:
1. We both have some sort of shared/split custody with each of our kids. I have my child every other weekend and she has her child 50/50. We lived in separate cities when we met. When we determined that we were looking to be serious and get married I moved to her city (an hour away from my child) and quit my job I had been at for 10 years for a new job. She was unwilling to move closer to halfway because she had her child more and just wasn't willing to budge. I totally agree this was my decision but overall I feel she was insensitive to this and not caring about my needs.
2. She did not want to merge bank accounts originally because of her worrying that my exwife would go after her income. When I explained that it doesn't work like that she still didn't want to budge. 4 years later, I know have 5 times her savings in my emergency fund. She learned of this and her income has dropped some. She now wants to merge finances. I asked why now, and if I wasn't in this good financial position, would she want to merge accounts? She says she would have now that we are getting married she views it differently and her contrary opinion was early on.
3. After being engaged we had a stupid fight regarding a financial purchase that I didn't feel would put our family in a good position. She responded emotionally in the moment and said we aren't married and we can walk away from each other. After days of not talking, and going back and forth, she apologized but because of the words and timing, I just wonder is this more than selfishness. Does she have a view of her way or the highway?
4. It's pulling teeth asking her to read books on blending our family and improving our relationship.
5. Over the holidays she didn't want my family to stay overnight at our house saying she didn't feel comfortable. When I explained how its my family and I view her family as mine, and the idea of marriage she still resisted. Again, she said terrible things out of emotion that put us on the bubble of breaking up. She came around after a week and apologized but again a very long time and terrible words that affects my trust at the core.
6. She said she would hyphenate her last name when married. Since has gone back on it. Became a huge fight and deal breaker, because again the trust issue of what is real or not when it comes to her commitments. When I was willing to walk she agreed to finally do it after pulling teeth.
To sum it all up, I have trust issues and wonder if I have a partner who is in it through thick and thin. I hate listing all the negative things because she does have a lot of good traits. It's just that right now the negative issues are overweighing because they strike me at my core when it takes so long to make up and it's pulling teeth to fix things. Are these signs I should walk or am I going to be losing something as I do love her. I just want to be able to trust and I feel that she doesn't understand my fears and try to respond appropriately so things don't become so explosive. I know that marriage is extremely tough and I learned a lot after my first marriage didn't work. Marriage is all about sacrafice and putting the other person over you. She says she understands this and is working on things. She has gotten a little better but are my expectations too high and it sets her up to fail or are my concerns leggit.