Need an outside opinion on possible red flags - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 09:23 PM Thread Starter
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Need an outside opinion on possible red flags

Hello,

Background: I am 33 year old male and my now fiance is 33 as well. This will be my second marriage and this will be my fiance's first marriage. We each have a child from a previous relationship.

Essentially I am looking for an outside opinion on my relationship going on 4 years. I have concerns and things that my fiance does that rubs me the wrong way and doesn't make me feel secure. We all have faults and I feel that her's is selfishness. I feel that my fault is planning for the worst and sometimes I worry that I am reading too far into things. This is where I need your guys' help.

I will give some bullet points of things that stick out to me that make me question if my fiance truly loves me, gets me, and is going to be there through thick and thin and not just now when things are good:

1. We both have some sort of shared/split custody with each of our kids. I have my child every other weekend and she has her child 50/50. We lived in separate cities when we met. When we determined that we were looking to be serious and get married I moved to her city (an hour away from my child) and quit my job I had been at for 10 years for a new job. She was unwilling to move closer to halfway because she had her child more and just wasn't willing to budge. I totally agree this was my decision but overall I feel she was insensitive to this and not caring about my needs.

2. She did not want to merge bank accounts originally because of her worrying that my exwife would go after her income. When I explained that it doesn't work like that she still didn't want to budge. 4 years later, I know have 5 times her savings in my emergency fund. She learned of this and her income has dropped some. She now wants to merge finances. I asked why now, and if I wasn't in this good financial position, would she want to merge accounts? She says she would have now that we are getting married she views it differently and her contrary opinion was early on.

3. After being engaged we had a stupid fight regarding a financial purchase that I didn't feel would put our family in a good position. She responded emotionally in the moment and said we aren't married and we can walk away from each other. After days of not talking, and going back and forth, she apologized but because of the words and timing, I just wonder is this more than selfishness. Does she have a view of her way or the highway?

4. It's pulling teeth asking her to read books on blending our family and improving our relationship.

5. Over the holidays she didn't want my family to stay overnight at our house saying she didn't feel comfortable. When I explained how its my family and I view her family as mine, and the idea of marriage she still resisted. Again, she said terrible things out of emotion that put us on the bubble of breaking up. She came around after a week and apologized but again a very long time and terrible words that affects my trust at the core.

6. She said she would hyphenate her last name when married. Since has gone back on it. Became a huge fight and deal breaker, because again the trust issue of what is real or not when it comes to her commitments. When I was willing to walk she agreed to finally do it after pulling teeth.

To sum it all up, I have trust issues and wonder if I have a partner who is in it through thick and thin. I hate listing all the negative things because she does have a lot of good traits. It's just that right now the negative issues are overweighing because they strike me at my core when it takes so long to make up and it's pulling teeth to fix things. Are these signs I should walk or am I going to be losing something as I do love her. I just want to be able to trust and I feel that she doesn't understand my fears and try to respond appropriately so things don't become so explosive. I know that marriage is extremely tough and I learned a lot after my first marriage didn't work. Marriage is all about sacrafice and putting the other person over you. She says she understands this and is working on things. She has gotten a little better but are my expectations too high and it sets her up to fail or are my concerns leggit.

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post #2 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 09:44 PM
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Re: Need an outside opinion on possible red flags

Not merging accounts until she found out how much money you have, would bother me it seems she just wanted to get her hands on the money.

What does she have against your family? Is there room to have them there? weird to me since she will soon be a part of the family, one would think that she would get to know them.

I don't know your fiance but it seems she wants your money and does not want your family around, she should want to be a part of learning how to get blended families to work as it can be tough.

Even though you love her, I would be taking a long hard look before I say I do. This is why I believe in couples living together before marriage, you never really know someone until you live with them.

Good luck on what ever you decide is best for not only you but your child to as they will be around her.



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post #3 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 09:49 PM
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Re: Need an outside opinion on possible red flags

I think you should listen to your gut feelings. It sounds like your expectations are too high for her. She can't meet them, and she is never going to. You need to find someone who can meet your expectations. She needs to find someone who can be satisfied with what she has to offer. Doesn't make either of you bad people, just people who aren't a good fit.


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post #4 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 09:53 PM
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Re: Need an outside opinion on possible red flags

Hmmmm.

Looks like a onesided relationship to me. Ask me how I know, lol.

Finances? Lol, you're an idiot if you EVER combine. Classic case of what's yours is mine, what's mine is mine.

I think her saying she wants to break up is a clear red flag.

However, all relationships have them.

How's the sex?
Do you have fun together normally?
Do you always pay when you go to dinner?

Personally, I can tell that you already feel used.
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post #5 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:03 PM Thread Starter
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She actually likes my family a lot. We have a huge house. 2 extra bedrooms when our kids aren't there and regardless we have a HUGE basement.

She processed it through a selfish lens at first until I blew up on her and said how is this being on the same team and showing that you want to be married. But it always take a deal breaker situation to shake her up and make her apologize, which I hate doing because that is so not me. I hate drama and fighting.
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post #6 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:07 PM Thread Starter
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Sex is great and we have lots of passion. We have a really good time spending time with each other normally. Our kids get along so well and we both treat each other kids excellent. The family unit has so much potential if so can get over the trust issues.

I do normally pick up dates at about 75% of the time. She does the other 25%.

I do feel used and it seems such a simple concept and thing to fix but it's not getting there. I have explained to her that when she says these hurtful things and takes forever to apologize that I interpret that as she doesn't love me. She has resoundedly confessed her love for me and I believe that fact but treating people that way when things don't go your way or being selfish doesn't line up with me. I hate being confused about that or wondering if I am asking to much but I can't imagine everyone deals with that.
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post #7 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:07 PM
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Re: Need an outside opinion on possible red flags

You walked into the flag pole and it knocked you senseless.
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post #8 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:09 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Decorum View Post
You walked into the flag pole and it knocked you senseless.
Wow that struck home. That might be THE point! The issue is me.
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post #9 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:17 PM
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Re: Need an outside opinion on possible red flags

There are bigtime red flags here.

Her first thought in everything is herself. Your feelings don't count until she's over a barrel.

It will likely get worse if you marry her. Will you then threaten divorce when she's choosing herself over and over again?

I figure you will be having a 75/25 type of relationship in general. Are you good w that?

Last edited by Evinrude58; 04-12-2017 at 10:24 PM.
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post #10 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:17 PM
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Re: Need an outside opinion on possible red flags

Based on my own experiences after being married twice. The first time I trusted blindly and joined and blended in every way. 21 years later, I didn't have my sisters anymore (they were his and he kept them). I didn't have my god children either (he got those too because blood is thicker than water)

So, here comes my second marriage. I thought I had chosen wisely. My second X was an only child. Both his parents were dead. I didn't have any siblings in law I could lose if we parted ways or any parents in law I would lose as well. That really hurt the first time around. I didn't want that the second time around.

My first X threw away our hard earned money on his AP. I didn't want that to happen ever again either. Hence the separate bank accounts, now the fact that she wants to join is where we differ. Maybe she trusts you now or is selfish. That is up to you to find out. But things are not always like they look. By talking you can find out why she doesn't want your families to blend the way they should.

What I am trying to say, is that she may be very guarded if she lost too much in her first marriage and may not want to give that much of herself in her second marriage. Kind of a self preservation coping skill if you know what I mean.

That doesn't mean she doesn't love you, she is simply guarded and rightfully so. It's awesome that you can be 100% trusting again, but not all of us are.


Communication is key here. If you can't communicate your concerns, then that should be the true red flag that you are simply not a good match for til death due us part and you may end up like me and divorced a second time around and not wanting to ever do it a third time.


Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #11 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:29 PM
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Re: Need an outside opinion on possible red flags

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brinkle13 View Post

1. We both have some sort of shared/split custody with each of our kids. I have my child every other weekend and she has her child 50/50. We lived in separate cities when we met. When we determined that we were looking to be serious and get married I moved to her city (an hour away from my child) and quit my job I had been at for 10 years for a new job. She was unwilling to move closer to halfway because she had her child more and just wasn't willing to budge. I totally agree this was my decision but overall I feel she was insensitive to this and not caring about my needs.

One sided no compromise

2. She did not want to merge bank accounts originally because of her worrying that my exwife would go after her income. When I explained that it doesn't work like that she still didn't want to budge. 4 years later, I know have 5 times her savings in my emergency fund. She learned of this and her income has dropped some. She now wants to merge finances. I asked why now, and if I wasn't in this good financial position, would she want to merge accounts? She says she would have now that we are getting married she views it differently and her contrary opinion was early on.

Selfish in nature.

3. After being engaged we had a stupid fight regarding a financial purchase that I didn't feel would put our family in a good position. She responded emotionally in the moment and said we aren't married and we can walk away from each other. After days of not talking, and going back and forth, she apologized but because of the words and timing, I just wonder is this more than selfishness. Does she have a view of her way or the highway?

Selfishness and no regard for your input

4. It's pulling teeth asking her to read books on blending our family and improving our relationship.

No compromise

5. Over the holidays she didn't want my family to stay overnight at our house saying she didn't feel comfortable. When I explained how its my family and I view her family as mine, and the idea of marriage she still resisted. Again, she said terrible things out of emotion that put us on the bubble of breaking up. She came around after a week and apologized but again a very long time and terrible words that affects my trust at the core.

Selfishness and no compromise. Your family doesn't count.

6. She said she would hyphenate her last name when married. Since has gone back on it. Became a huge fight and deal breaker, because again the trust issue of what is real or not when it comes to her commitments. When I was willing to walk she agreed to finally do it after pulling teeth.

It's all about her. You don't count for much

To sum it all up, I have trust issues and wonder if I have a partner who is in it through thick and thin. I hate listing all the negative things because she does have a lot of good traits. It's just that right now the negative issues are overweighing because they strike me at my core when it takes so long to make up and it's pulling teeth to fix things. Are these signs I should walk or am I going to be losing something as I do love her. I just want to be able to trust and I feel that she doesn't understand my fears and try to respond appropriately so things don't become so explosive. I know that marriage is extremely tough and I learned a lot after my first marriage didn't work. Marriage is all about sacrafice and putting the other person over you. She says she understands this and is working on things. She has gotten a little better but are my expectations too high and it sets her up to fail or are my concerns leggit.
A relationship has to be balanced @ 50/50 or the one putting the most in will get taken for granted and lose respect if there was any to begin with.

My prediction is you'll probably Marry her and end up being a doormat.

Why are you engaged? If you're smart you'll put your heart away and start using your head here. If you think it's bad now just wait.
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post #12 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:38 PM
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Re: Need an outside opinion on possible red flags

She is extremely self-protective.

She climbs in her shell at the first sign of conflict.

She has massive trust issues.

She is extremely sensitive and touchy and sometime takes imaginary offense.

The home is the most important thing in her life. That is why she wants no one else in it. I suspect she is a great homemaker.

She is likely suspicious of everyone motives.

It will take a long time to win her confidence....hell, it has been over four years!

At the first sigh of conflict she will put her armor on again.

She does love you.

However, your view of life and traveling through it are at odds. You are not compatible.

Divorce? Up to you.
You cannot pin her down, her taciturnity is pronounced. She is always afraid of being hurt.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

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post #13 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:45 PM
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Re: Need an outside opinion on possible red flags

From what you've written, I really don't think she's marriage material for anyone. And if her behavior is bad now, it will only get worse once your married. It seems she's only inclined to apologize because she wants to make sure the marriage happens. Once you're married and that's not hanging over her head anymore, things will take a turn for the worse.
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post #14 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:49 PM
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Re: Need an outside opinion on possible red flags

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She is extremely self-protective.

She climbs in her shell at the first sign of conflict.

She has massive trust issues.


She does love you.

She is always afraid of being hurt.


Can you love her enough to realize you will always need to try to convince her that she is safe with you? You know her love is real and she does come around but you have to let her know when she messes up. It takes her a while, but you do get to convince her. Is is probably going to happen often. She is very guarded. I tend to believe that more than the selfish thing.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #15 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 09:53 AM
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Re: Need an outside opinion on possible red flags

Frankly you both come from failed relationships and you both bring tremendous baggage to the new relationship.

Personally I think you both you some couples counseling to work through your own issues. Trust has to be earned and build it also has to be given.

Who knows maybe she's a selfish *****. Or maybe you're a paranoid fool. I don't Think it's one or the other though. I think you both have issues.

You have to work out your feelings and approach to money. You have to work out your feelings and approach regarding the family. There are many things like this that you have to come to terms with before getting married. Counselor will mediate and help you each express yourself and try to work through this.

She could just be **** testing you, and you're responding to nicely. Who knows




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