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post #46 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 02:36 PM
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Re: Confused about husbands F buddy 😬

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Honestly, that is a risk. However, my thinking on this goes this way: If my wife were to meet someone who is truly a better match for her, so that she'd be happier and have a better life with them than with me, then she should go for it. We also both recognize that the initial stages with a new partner can be unrealistically exciting - in poly circles it's called NRE (new relationship energy) and on TAM it's usually called affair fog. So, we know that if such occurs, decisions can't be made until that passes and the situation can be seen more objectively. And it does pass, sooner or later. You don't throw away something good for a maybe - if what you already have isn't so good, then maybe moving on is a good idea regardless.
Personally I think this is SO much better then people who pretend to want to be faithful and then cheat. I hope the stigma goes away and yet I think it is gross, however I think we all will be much better off in the long run. I have no fear that people who live like this will only ever be on the fringe because I don't really think this kind of thinking is what most people want. I think most people want there sexuality to be coveted by their partner. I think that is part of the reason for wanting a partner. But I also think it is quite obvious that there are some people who really just don't care about that. Sex is just like having coffee. It's better that we put all our cards on the table.

I will add two caveat the risk and the potential for irreversible damage of the relationship needs to be spoken about from the get go. Seems OP never took that possibility seriously. I wonder if they ever even talked about that. Just because you don't care about sex at first doesn't mean that eventually you won't meet someone who you will bond with and leave your spouse high and dry. Again it is hard to fight against human nature.

Then there is the other reason why this is a bad idea, and this is the big one. Children. What happens when someone gets pregnant, who has rights to the child. I really don't want the courts to have to waste time figuring all this out, but that is the price of a free society I guess. Also what does it do to a child who is born of this type of relationship. That would be the reason why I think it is a bad idea in a general sense, not a religious one if we are talking morally then I have a different opinion, but I still would rather this then people lie and cheat on a partner who wants to be monogamous. But people are having kids during affairs anyway so is this any more of a mess.


Last edited by sokillme; 04-13-2017 at 02:41 PM.
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post #47 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 02:41 PM
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Re: Confused about husbands F buddy 😬

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Yes that is what I'm saying. I have no desire to be with anyone else. Not at all.
Noooo OP. No established rules and only one partner having sex with others on the side? That is a recipe for disaster OP. You need to do something about this now rather than later.

I think you realize this is not turning out the way you imagined. And I think your LOLs/you laughing is nervous laughter, you trying to hide the serious anxiety and emotional stress you feel regarding the situation.
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post #48 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 02:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Confused about husbands F buddy 😬

Happy to know how you feel 😃
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post #49 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 02:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Confused about husbands F buddy 😬

I do have emotional stress and anxiety about it. Which is why I'm asking for opinions. Hoping to figure out why I feel this way now and not before.
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post #50 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 02:58 PM
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Re: Confused about husbands F buddy 😬

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Noooo OP. No established rules and only one partner having sex with others on the side? That is a recipe for disaster OP. You need to do something about this now rather than later.

I think you realize this is not turning out the way you imagined. And I think your LOLs/you laughing is nervous laughter, you trying to hide the serious anxiety and emotional stress you feel regarding the situation.
Some rules are needed - at the very least, an in depth and wide-ranging discussion of how things work, the potential issues, and how to handle problems before they blow up.

There are many semi-open and mono-poly relationships where only one partner has sex outside the relationship. Again, this can work just fine with some excellent communication about expectations and boundaries. Most that are successful usually start with a bunch of rules, and then ease them with experience. Jumping in and hoping for the best seldom works - either someone gets hurt, or the experiment is ended (often unnecessarily).

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #51 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 03:06 PM
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Re: Confused about husbands F buddy 😬

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I do have emotional stress and anxiety about it. Which is why I'm asking for opinions. Hoping to figure out why I feel this way now and not before.
I think a few of us have addressed why you may feel that way. Do you have a clearer understanding now? Do you now have a better idea of how you're going to handle this moving forward?
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post #52 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 03:13 PM
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Re: Confused about husbands F buddy 😬

I think you have to accept the possibility that your husband is lying and find a way to have an affair right under your nose. I had a FB and invited my wife to join us and everything we did was only with the three of us. We went out and vacationed as a threesoem and had sex as a threesome. We lived in the same house. We did have one on one sex after the threesome for some quality making love time. The threesomes tended to be purely about sexual pleasure. My wife specifically avoided doing anything with her girlfriend other than go shopping, because she said it would feel like cheating. I never took our girlfriend ( she was more than a FB. She was our lover.) out on a date without my wife. I did have another girlfriend that I spent time with and took weekend trips with but I never told my wife that we did not have sex. I cannot spend a day with a woman and just talk. There will be sex involved. Stop being naive and learn that cheaters never tell the truth. There is no good to be had from that.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality when the choice is monogamy or your marriage.
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post #53 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 03:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Confused about husbands F buddy 😬

It confirms a few feelings I have. Which is probably why I have those feelings. 😀 Thank you to all who responded sincerely.
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post #54 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 03:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Confused about husbands F buddy 😬

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I cannot spend a day with a woman and just talk. There will be sex involved. Stop being naive and learn that cheaters never tell the truth. There is no good to be had from that.

They didn't have sex because she wouldn't. Not because he wouldn't. That's why he went to her house, was to have sex. And that's what I was ok with. Then they ended up not having sex because of her. My husband was frustrated by it. And that's where my confusion set in as to what she really wanted out of their relationship. Seems she wants company. In my mind if she wants company she should ask a friend. Not a married F buddy. So that's where I'm having trouble with it. Hope that makes sense.
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post #55 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 03:56 PM
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Re: Confused about husbands F buddy 😬

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They didn't have sex because she wouldn't. Not because he wouldn't. That's why he went to her house, was to have sex. And that's what I was ok with. Then they ended up not having sex because of her. My husband was frustrated by it. And that's where my confusion set in as to what she really wanted out of their relationship. Seems she wants company. In my mind if she wants company she should ask a friend. Not a married F buddy. So that's where I'm having trouble with it. Hope that makes sense.
You get to set your own boundaries. You should probably negotiate them with your H, but you still get to set your boundaries in what you will or will not accept.

From the above comment and your earlier comments, I suspect that you viewed what you H was doing as just F-ing with an F-buddy with no emotional involvement. Your fear is that there is the potential for emotional involvement and you don't want to loose you H or have someone competing for your H's emotional affection. You can handle his F-ing another woman, but not getting to know her or develop any kind of emotional or meaningful relationship.

That is why some women can handle a husband paying money for sex, but not allowing the H to have either an affiar with someone they like and could end up loving. That makes sense to me as sex releases a variety of hormone bonding chemicals that typically cause two people to fall in love. With a paid pro or a true FB, there is not strings and no chance of attachment at least on the part of the other woman.

I would suggest that you and your H need to have some serious discussions on boundaries. This would probably be greatly helped by a marriage counselor. I would also suggest that you and your H get a full spectrum STD/STI test.

Good luck.

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post #56 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 04:17 PM
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Re: Confused about husbands F buddy 😬

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
Personally I think this is SO much better then people who pretend to want to be faithful and then cheat. I hope the stigma goes away and yet I think it is gross, however I think we all will be much better off in the long run. I have no fear that people who live like this will only ever be on the fringe because I don't really think this kind of thinking is what most people want. I think most people want there sexuality to be coveted by their partner. I think that is part of the reason for wanting a partner. But I also think it is quite obvious that there are some people who really just don't care about that. Sex is just like having coffee. It's better that we put all our cards on the table.

I will add two caveat the risk and the potential for irreversible damage of the relationship needs to be spoken about from the get go. Seems OP never took that possibility seriously. I wonder if they ever even talked about that. Just because you don't care about sex at first doesn't mean that eventually you won't meet someone who you will bond with and leave your spouse high and dry. Again it is hard to fight against human nature.

Then there is the other reason why this is a bad idea, and this is the big one. Children. What happens when someone gets pregnant, who has rights to the child. I really don't want the courts to have to waste time figuring all this out, but that is the price of a free society I guess. Also what does it do to a child who is born of this type of relationship. That would be the reason why I think it is a bad idea in a general sense, not a religious one if we are talking morally then I have a different opinion, but I still would rather this then people lie and cheat on a partner who wants to be monogamous. But people are having kids during affairs anyway so is this any more of a mess.
Can we not just go back to how it was before I read this thread? One partner per couple? This makes my head hurt...
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post #57 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 04:18 PM
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Re: Confused about husbands F buddy 😬

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I may be ok with that as long as it's just sex. I don't feel they need to hang out alone if they aren't having sex. Maybe I'm crazy! Lol
It very clearly is not just sex.
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post #58 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 04:24 PM
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Re: Confused about husbands F buddy 😬

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Originally Posted by Vinnydee View Post
I think you have to accept the possibility that your husband is lying and find a way to have an affair right under your nose. I had a FB and invited my wife to join us and everything we did was only with the three of us. We went out and vacationed as a threesoem and had sex as a threesome. We lived in the same house. We did have one on one sex after the threesome for some quality making love time. The threesomes tended to be purely about sexual pleasure. My wife specifically avoided doing anything with her girlfriend other than go shopping, because she said it would feel like cheating. I never took our girlfriend ( she was more than a FB. She was our lover.) out on a date without my wife.
Ok, to be fair, this does sound kind of amazing. I didn't know this can be real life, but more like a dream, after which you have to change the bedsheets.
I guess one pre-requisite is to find a lesbian wife? And a lost/confused/unstable young girl? This just seems as improbable as the origin of life for some reason.

Last edited by inmyprime; 04-13-2017 at 04:30 PM.
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post #59 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 04:35 PM
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Re: Confused about husbands F buddy 😬

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They didn't have sex because she wouldn't. Not because he wouldn't. That's why he went to her house, was to have sex. And that's what I was ok with. Then they ended up not having sex because of her. My husband was frustrated by it. And that's where my confusion set in as to what she really wanted out of their relationship. Seems she wants company. In my mind if she wants company she should ask a friend. Not a married F buddy. So that's where I'm having trouble with it. Hope that makes sense.
The problem really isn't in what she wants, it's in that your husband is willing to supply whatever it is she wants. Therein lies the main issue of why you feel uncomfortable now. Your husband is acting like he has two wives, not a wife and ''f'' buddy. It seems to be bordering into treating her as he treats you, his wife. That's not on her, that's on him.

I'd simply explain that you've had a change of heart, this now bothers you, and while you still like the fantasy aspect of it, you would like better boundaries now. Hopefully, he'll choose you. If he doesn't, then you have a different set of issues to deal with.

''Sometimes, you fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time.'' - Unknown
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post #60 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 04:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Confused about husbands F buddy 😬

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Can we not just go back to how it was before I read this thread? One partner per couple? This makes my head hurt...
Lolol you don't have to read it 😉
That's why it's hard to get good advice. You almost have to have been in that kind of relationship to understand where I'm coming from. Sorry your head hurts!
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